Anyone in the middle between a caretaker and the caregiver?


I am in between my mother and her mother who has dementia. She is able to care for herself but is getting more dementia-ish all the time. I have tried repeatedly explaining (attempted different methods) to explain how I'm being hurt by one my grandmother who is blaming me for things taking things out on me, other stuff and two my mom who is in complete denial of anything her mother does to me and kinda the fact that I'm in the corner with feelings I don't really understand (other than depression) I really have no one who can get her to understand (No, moving out isn't an option as I have disabilities that I need to be at home with my parents) I realize this isn't exactly a caregiver deal but anyway. I just feel like I'm overlooked and it's like when you tell a kid to just sit down and be quiet. I have done more than my share for my grandma (which I don't go see anymore)



Do you mean that you're trying to explain to your mom the symptoms that you see?

Mom probably sees them too, but would rather not. Making you seem crazy (it's called "gaslighting" makes both of them feel better about the sutuation.

I expect your mother finds caring for your grandmother pretty stressful. I don't know what topics exactly you're trying to raise with her, or whether they're problems you might reasonably hope your mother could help to solve, but I can imagine your mother's on a short fuse at the moment. Who else can you talk to about difficulties coping with your grandmother?

It does bother me that you're not looking towards your future more. This may not be the right time, there may be all kinds of issues you're working on and I know that epilepsy can be an incredibly complex and difficult condition to manage; but at some point, inevitably, you are going to need a plan for becoming independent. You're still very young, yes? - but I wonder if maybe looking ahead and starting to develop a strategy might also make you feel less your grandmother's captive.

I live with my mom and dad but I have epilepsy (seizures) so I really can't move out. My grandma thankfully lives next door so I just see her a couple times a week (like pick up her trash) so that does help. I'm just in the middle of this deal between my mom n grandma. It's kinda strange I mean my mom will pick her up and go to breakfast together on Saturdays which all three of us can be fine. My grandma is one of those people that's me me me and that's it. I'm truthfully not sure how to explain these things because it's like there's something going on between them that I have no clue what is. If I ask/tell my mom something she'll just blow me off. Honestly it reminds me a lot of my grandma which scares me. On the other hand me and my dad (which I really haven't been really close with until the past few years. No reason just didn't connect though we were still loving just like the one piece or something was missing) we get along just fine

Could you clarify the living arrangements? You are living with your mother (and father)? Where is Grandma with dementia living?

I'm hearing you.

My brother has "taken over" the entire care of our mother. He has become so possessive and weird about her. He complains incessantly about what a pain she is, but any offers of help are met with a brick wall. She lives in his home.

I try to talk to him, kind of as a go between b/c mother is kind of scared of him, but he is just angry all the time and "knows best"--and nobody in the family can talk to him. Honestly, my other 3 sibs are 100% MIA and don't care. I do, but I am not allowed at this point to even enter his home. Mother is a "squatter" and he controls her activities, comings and goings and oversees all her medical issues. HE doesn't do a sterling job and she doesn't like the situation--but she CHOSE it.

Mother is unhappy--brother is unhappy, they don't communicate well and I get caught in the middle. I too have depression and this dynamic makes it much worse.

I DO NOT live with them, so I have control over coming/going. Is there any chance you can move out? Living with this 24/7 would be awful. You might find your depression lifting when the causation is "gone".

Does gma live with you? If not, you can curtail your visits to times YOU choose. Sadly, just because people are our relatives, it doesn't mean we like them or get along. IN fact, in they weren't relatives, we probably wouldn't waste a second on them.

Do you receive counseling? A good therapist may be able to help you set healthy boundaries.