Doe anyone else feel this way?

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My mom lived with me for the past 7 months. She had COPD and congestive heart failure. She was intubated 5 times in 4 months. She spent time in rehab. Due to all the intubations she lost her ability to walk. Her heart was only pumping at 15%. Once I brought her home I had hospice step in. One evening she couldn't breath. She had signed a DNR so I called hospice and they started her on morphine. A week or so later she was getting agitated so they started her on ativan. She died 2 weeks ago and I feel like I killed her by letting them give her the drugs. I can't function at all. Has anyone else gone through this?

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Dear Mommasgirl,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know its hard. I'm still doubting myself and its been 10.5 months. Listen to the wonderful folks here. Be kind to yourself and try to access as many supports as needed. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.
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Mommasgirls,
More hugs!!
So sorry you are grieving so hard, and doubting yourself.

Getting help for yourself, like the doctor has suggested, would be a good thing?
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Call your hospice provider and let them know how you are feeling. The hospice provider is required by law to provide bereavement follow up for 13 months after the patient's death. While this does not mean that they provide weekly counseling services, they can reassure you and tell you what your thinking is "normal" grief or out of the "normal" grief range. I am a hospice MD and I still wonder if I should not of been more aggressive in caring for my father when he died at age 79, 10 years ago. But that is just emotions and emotions are not rational. After one year of still feeling guilty that I put him on hospice I did seek counseling and went for about a six months which was really helpful. So my suggestion is that you call your hospice provider and let them know you are struggling a bit. My overall feeling is that if it has just been 2 weeks since he passed away your feeling are very within normal limits. But I would go ahead and call your hospice provider so that they can help you.
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15% ejection is really really low. Your mom was departing soon no matter what. You and I know that getting a pacemaker would have prolonged the agony for everyone, and it would have needed to be turned off soon after installation for her to pass, otherwise she would have been painfully shocked again and again as she was passing. You did exactly what was right.

My FIL did not go gracefully either. He had many desperate operations in his last year and turned up his O2 much higher than prescribed for relief. We were so relieved when he finally agreed to hospice and stopped struggling. He was finally able to rest.... You did the right thing.
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Thinking, that nearing the end of my life, comfort would be a priority over getting one more doctor's visit in, pain relief would be chosen over getting new glasses. If I had a choice, or could not make a choice, I would have to rely on others, my family and doctors. Placing that heavy burden on a daughter would not be fair or desirable, but if she stepped up I would love her no matter what decisions she made on my behalf.
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My dittos to everything said here. We are human, and everything in our humanity tells us to fight for life, to preserve life, and to do all we can to maintain life. But death is a natural part of our mortal journey. Knowing that doesn't automatically make it easy, though. It's very, very hard for those of us left behind. You did everything right and it's natural to keep asking the what if questions. But, again, you did everything right.
I felt the same as you after my mom died from Alzheimer's back in Feb. She stopped eating and could no longer swallow food or liquids. It was her time to go. But I kept beating myself up thinking that there must have been something else I could have done. Like your mom, my mom was getting morphine and ativan from hospice. Every time she got another dose, my little voice of self doubt wondered if it was the right thing. But deep in my heart and in my head, I know it was her time and I was there to make sure she went without pain.
Hugs to you. Give yourself time, and go easy on yourself.
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Mommasgirl, you did exactly right. (((((Hugs)))))
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Thank you all for all your words of support, i need plenty of that. I am in no way blaming hospice at all. Everyone that I dealt with at the hospice center was wonderful and took excellent care of my mom. I just can't push the idea that maybe there was something that I didn't do. She kept asking me when was she going to see the cardiologist, she has this idea the a pacemaker would save her and i keep asking myself 'who was I to make the decision not to take her?'. Towards the end, she was losing her sight and she kept wanting to go to the eye doctor and I kept saying, '2 weeks'. I just miss her so much and I feel so empty. Today is 2 weeks since she's left me. I know she is in a better place, it's just that I am not.
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Mommasgirl - you did everything exactly right. As other said above, there was no way she could live much longer in the medical condition she was in, and all you did was make her final days more comfortable and bearable for her. There was nothing you could do to keep her alive for longer, and nothing you could do to ease her suffering except exactly what you did do. I hope you can find peace with your decisions and the outcome.

For what it's worth, I think the death of a loved one is such a traumatic blow that it's common to keep asking ourselves afterwards "What if I had done this, or not done that?" It's so hard to accept what happened that we keep going over it in our minds thinking there could have been a different outcome. I lost one of my sisters about a year ago and I went through a period of torturing myself with "if only's" even though I had no control over her care or her medical decisions at all. It's normal, but that doesn't make it any less painful, and I'm sorry that you're going through this now even though I understand it.

You'll find lots of caring and support here. I always have.
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As one who has also lost her mom and still misses her everyday, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job caring for your mom and you did all you could in her care. Her health issues were just overwhelming for her. I hope you'll find some comfort in knowing she's at peace. There's nothing easy about this, hugs to you, and know you're not alone.
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