Anybody else have a parent that takes any little thing you say the wrong way.,,

You say in your profile that mom is living in Assisted Living. Why would you need a caregiver then? Is your mom at your home now? Is she alone during the day? If you work full time, who takes care of her when you’re working? And if you have to have the AC fixed why would you need a caregiver? I don’t understand.

You say Mom’s primary ailment is depression. Could it also be dementia? Has she been evaluated? These are both conditions that can cause us to become very emotional. I suffer from depression as well. Yesterday, a Facebook friend had to put her cat down. I’ve never met her or her cat but we have been friends for a dozen years online. When I read her post, I cried like a baby.

If Mom is becoming difficult for you to care for, you might want to consider other options for her. It’s a lot to work full time and care for someone who can be difficult.

It must be something in the water today. My mil always asks for help or says she's lonely. Well, that's what happened here today and I was telling her we couldn't join her in her room as it was too hot. This po'd her and she went back to her extremely hot room. That was not at all what was meant, but the way she took it. And she is always asking if I feel ok with her being here. I don't know where she gets this from. Over sensitive?

Sorry, ur post is confusing not enough info. What I get from it is that Mom is in an AL and you weren't able to visit because you found out when you came home the a/c wasn't working. She doesn't understand why you can't visit anyway. Am I close?

Yes, you are close. My mom is in AL, but I spend a good many hours Saturday running around getting things from the grocery store and the drug store and even the liquor store for her. I got a caregiver to sub for me instead on Saturday, that was the route of the problem. My mom expects a certain amount of my Saturday to belong to her. On Sunday I am doing my own laundry and errands before the week starts. Even though my mom is in AL she is not satisfied with everything they give her there. So when I got help she got upset with me. It is hard working full time and spending almost all of your free time waiting on someone else. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I used to have one day of rest, now that is gone.

Oh, and my mom's primary illness is depression and chronic pain from her back, she had a 5 level back fusion that went wrong and is on hydrocodone 4x/day. They don't give you room for more than one thing on the profile.  Her balance is awful and she cannot stand long enough to cook for herself. She also needs assistance with bathing and dressing.  She is also incontinent.

Gati, it sounds like your mother is far beyond Assisted Living and needs a higher level of care. It concerns me she is mixing painkillers and booze. Not a good combination. And if you are spending so much time running around for her, taking care of her and being with her, what the heck is she paying for in Assisted Living? She could be in a much cheaper apartment or her own home with all the help you’re giving her.

There needs to be a putting down of the foot—your foot. Just because she is your mom doesn’t mean she is your Slave Master.
Practice saying, “No, Mom. I can’t do that right now.” If you snap to it every time she barks at you, more than one-half the responsibility for your situation is your fault. Stop being so available to her. Allocate one-half of one of your days to her for her to do as she pleases. Shopping, Visiting, whatever. If you can’t make in because you have something to do, she’ll just have to wait. I would not hire someone else. Pop in with a few groceries if she needs them or a pizza one day after work and that’s it. If she becomes angry and accusatory, tell her good-bye and leave.

I would absolutely consider a higher level of care for her. I really think she needs it. That would take a lot of the pressure off you.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation; it sounds really untenable.

Is mom seeing a psychiatrist for her depression? Is she on meds? Perhaps she needs a different one, a higher dosage or an additional med. Because her reaction to the fact that you will miss one day of visiting is WAY out of proportion.

Start cutting back on your visits.

It sounds to me like your mom has some narcissistic traits and controls you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG--it's a thing, you can Google it!)

Fear, obligation and guilt sound very familiar

Yup. Sounds familiar. I've gotten better at recognizing that it's really not personal, but it's so hard.

 The alcohol and depression also sound familiar and just exacerbate their issues of self-involvement. I have been completely dumbfounded by some of my mother's outrageous demands and blatant disregard of my schedule, financial obligations and... feelings.

I just try to remember when my parents were younger. This isn't who they always were. They are losing control of so many aspects of their lives, they often lash out and have ridiculous expectations that are really based in their fear and frustration.

I'm not preaching or lecturing (I'm actually avoiding my parents altogether currently, after being pushed to my personal limits), but just try to have compassion for your mom and yourself. If she is unreasonable, take care of yourself. Try to be kind to her, but don't engage or apologize. You aren't dealing with a reasonable person, you have to be the reasonable one. Personal boundaries are helpful in avoiding burnout or becoming resentful. 

You're doing what you can, you are doing better than me! 👍🏻

Hope it gets easier 💕

Gait, so sorry to pry, but you haven’t said if Mom is in AL or at your home. If she is in Assisted Living, why are you knocking yourself out caring for her? Where’s the staff? Aren’t meals provided there? Are you allowed to bring liquor in? Does the staff know she’s mixing liquor and pain pills? She could be asked to leave if they don’t know she is and find out.

I hope you can find a solution, but don’t expect Mom to change. Old habits die hard.