Follow
Share

Any Mother’s Day haters out there besides me? Since my mom died I’ve really grown to hate the day. Or maybe it’s the commercial wind up to the day, all the ads reminding us to call mom, send mom flowers, buy mom a gift, take mom out for lunch, each one feels like a little punch to the gut. On most any ordinary day I miss my mom, but I’m not a tearful mess over her loss anymore. I’ve had plenty of time to deal with her passing. But somehow each May it’s like “here we go again” and I feel the tears welling up often. I’ve tried a few years to go to church on Mother’s Day and after leaving mid service each time in tears, feeling like I was making a scene, I now know better than to attempt it. Nothing like a minister saying “who here has a mother?” with everyone smiling to make me run. I don’t have my mom to buy anything for, can’t call her or take her to lunch, and the relentless ads just make me miserable over something I’m generally okay about. Truthfully, I don’t think I was a huge Mother’s Day fan even before losing my mom, I guess it always felt like a bit of a forced holiday to me, one of those things we’re told to do. My now adult children know I’m not big into it, they usually buy me small gifts and we go do something to distract away from dwelling on the day. Am I alone in this or any other haters want to unite in spirit with me?

Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
Thanks Veronica. Yes, it is possible. Per bar association, an attorney can make his own determination whether a client has legal competence. The fact that New legal docs were filed 9 days after the doctor declared her incapacitated should be all that is needed, especially since the new legal docs were SPOA stating that a letter of incapacitation is all that was needed to envoke. Since that had already happened, that should have been open and shut, but maybe I have used dumb lawyers, but it still causes a mess. Every single time I tell this saga to eldercare people, they roll their eyes as they have heard it many times, and yet these 2 arrogant old men have researched NOTHING. Well, of course for asking my mom’s attorney questions, which just cost her more money
(0)
Report

COartist did your Mom revoke your POA after she was diagnosed with dementia.
can't give chapter and verse but I think that is not possible.
On the bright side Mom is already in memory care so at least she is being cared for.
Try and keep a close eye on Mom's conditions and liase with the staff to ensure no harm comes to Mom.
(1)
Report

I absolutely hate mother’s day. I spent Saturday crying. Mom, in her dementia, revoked me as POA and disqualified her children as gaurdians after she was diagnosed and scored at 14 on the MMSE. In our place, she named 2 men in their eighties as POA and MPOA. I have filed APS reports, i have retained attorneys, and all have said it will be costly because it involves pursuing guardianship, and it end up going to an attorney as guardian, just another added expense. Neither of them understand the roles, and poor decisions that the MPOA made almost killed my mother. Neither of them understand dementia and therefore think that my mother was in her right mind when she revoked the POA and named them. So effectively they believe they are protecting my mom from her children. This is her first mother’s day in memory care. She was not a nice person, but with 2 old, arrogant ignorant men who do not understand their roles and by the simple acceptance of those roles and their assumption that my mom’s decisions were valid makes this the most painful Mother’s Day ever. It’s hard enough going through the process of losing your last parent, but add this circus on it and it is almost unbearable
(1)
Report

I agree with you, Gershun....Celebrate your loved ones everyday....not just on the one day that society has designated.
(0)
Report

She1934, I think you may be misunderstanding some of the comments. In my case, I'm all for people celebrating these occasions if they choose to. All I meant was if it's only on these days that people acknowledge their loved ones it's too bad. I went out for lunch at least once a week with my Mom when she was alive. Christmas, on the other hand, is supposed to be a celebration of Jesus birth. Valentine's Day is yet again great but often it's just Valentine's day when some spouses etc. get acknowledged. Wouldn't it be great if people were appreciated every day and then Valentine's day, Mother's day, Father's day etc. would not be so overblown.
(1)
Report

I commented earlier about this because I think it is so sad that so many folks here also expressed "hating" Mother's Day. Will you all also hate your loved one's birthday, if you do celebrate Christmas will you now hate Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving. It, to me, seems so much healthier to celebrate those moments, of course, depending on your personal memories. Plan a tribute to mom or dad or whoever on the special days. Sadness is certainly understandable as is missing them. But sadness and memories do not have to be hateful.
(0)
Report

Hi, I have to say I agree. However for what I have kinda considered to be terrible, awful selfish reasons but my family has explained to me that's not true. Anyway so in my family mothers day is also decoration day at most of the cemeteries. So it went church where both of my parents had alot if roles and then rushing home where alot of arguments about food, money, and flowers always ensued oh and don't forget the fact that my mom hated every gift I ever got her and even locked me out of the house for flowers I got her one year. Then we spent the day running from cemetery to cemetery and family to family and then exhausted we would arrive home where No one was talking to anyone. By the time I was a mother I had already developed a healthy dislike for the holiday. However by this time my dad had remarried to someone who never liked me or my family and forbid the name step mom but he insisted on her being the center of attention on this day. My mom had at least 3 nervous break downs and I had committed her twice.  Nothing was ever good enough. There was fight after fight about time, gas, money, flowers, gifts, food. I came away from every weekend tired, heartbroken, mad ,hurt and broke. My boys were 12 and 17 when I got to have a mother's day just for my family and my boys but it took saying NO and leaving our home for the weekend to get away from family. I've now had a few good years of this and after that first year I found my NO. This year is the first year my mom is out of a facility and a part of the weekend and it has been really hard. All those bad times and pressure and hurt came back and I had been dreading it. But I used my NO and the weekend has been about my immediate family. We honored my mom with simple gifts and a nice lunch Friday and it was good. I know what you mean about this weekend and how it is and I thank God for you for saying what so many feel and God bless you for that and for the fact that you have found the grace to do what is best for you!!!
(4)
Report

Holidays - most were/are initially started with good intentions. I've seen the write ups on how Mother's day was started and the woman who did this had those good intentions (Quint41's post speaks of this!) However, like any other "holiday", commercialization took over. Now we have Father's Day, Children's Day, Grandparent's Day and so on, in addition to all those other "holidays!"

When my daughter was about 3 (may have been just before/after my son was born), she went outside in the backyard and came back in with a small handful of what I call "weed flowers" for me. They are those tiny little things that sometimes grow out there. I told her that those meant more to me than anything! It had nothing to do with a "holiday" and I have over time reinforced that idea. After divorce, Christmas could have become "Present Wars", but I did NOT want to join in that war (really couldn't financially, but it is WRONG to do this!) It was especially bad when he remarried, because now they had additional "grandparents" and other family members, so the kids would get multiple "Christmas" days and a slew of useless gifts. I am not religious, and the kids were not raised that way, so I explained what that "holiday" was really about and how it has become nothing but a revenue generator! If you want to celebrate it, find the TRUE meaning in it rather than just buying stuff!

When they were old enough I said many times that these are just another day, and the buying and gift-giving is just corporate manipulation for generating sales. Someone else mentioned it in the comments - what about all those "non-holidays" throughout the year? Yep kids, if you only care about me or whoever on that one day a year, what is that worth? I prefer you just do something nice on ANY old day, not on a day that corporate America dictates that you MUST do something for me or whoever. Despite this, on one birthday my daughter came with a card, flowers and balloons on my birthday. I acknowledged the thought and told her that while I appreciate it, she should not be spending hard-earned money that she needs (she was probably about 18.) Oh, but dad says... Never mind what he says! Tell him that you have it covered!! That is not really lying, just like the little white lies we have to use now with my mother (dementia.) I reiterated that if you want to do something for me, do it on some random day, then I know it is truly heartfelt, that you are thinking of me without being TOLD to!!!

In recent years, my mother was saying similar things - it's just another day (birthday, Mother's Day, whatever) - however she would like being remembered (maybe not so much on a birthday, given her age.) Now she may or may not know what day it is, but lights up with the card and flowers (it would be hard NOT to do this, because in her facility they have reminders, special meals, etc and she would see others getting that special treatment from family members!) As with others here, our relationship was never huggy kissy touchy feely. However I still tried to "do the right thing." I would be the one most often to coordinate a party or gathering of some kind on "special" occasions. It is still that way. Non-local brother did call her "every Sunday", and I did get tired of hearing this (I was the one who most often called or went to provide some kind of help or visit - not expecting any pat on the back or kudos, but to have that rubbed in your face all the time does get old.) When he came up last week to help finish cleaning out the condo (she moved a YEAR AGO January, two brothers, very little help!!!), we visited mom once together on his arrival. She was ALL OVER him, yet when I show up - What are you doing here? Where did you come from? I don't want any undying love or any showering of whatever, but it does get your goat when the prodigal son comes and gets the royal greeting! I went over to work on a jigsaw puzzle with another resident, as she was more focused on him and to give them time to visit. He did say she questioned where I was and why I was "over there", but made no effort to join us or get me back with them. Another morning I suggested he go have breakfast with her while I get prepared for the long haul to the condo clean out effort. After that he did not want to visit when I suggested it because he had no idea how to interface with her (she repeats a lot and has hearing issues, but still... you were, along with other brother, ready to take her in because MC costs so much - ahahahahahahaha!!) I had, once again, coordinated with both brothers to take her out for Mother's Day (not sure if the local one even goes to visit much, unless I bring up some holiday.) Because the one who was visiting was abusive to me, I kicked him out, so he went that night (Friday) and told her he was not coming back. He's been staying at the condo, tossing everything left and refused to go on Mother's Day, despite me telling him through other brother I would not be there. He does not get here often and SHOULD have gone. I went earlier in the day to avoid them and said I was having lunch with MY kids (lie) and would come back for dinner visit, which I did. Stupid brother did not go. Sure, treat me again like you did when we were kids, but if your mommy is SO important to you, then you should go see her NOW while you still can. Can't wait for the alligator tears when she goes....

So, to summarize, I feel that Mother's Day, like any other "holiday", is just another day. I do find the many emails regarding said days to be tedious - I just delete them without reading them (for instance Father's Day - dad has been gone almost 10 years.) I also do not watch TV, nor do I do Facebook or the like, so I do not get the barrage of ads. I do not need to drive everyday, so I even miss most radio ads - just email and internet ads (but long ago was able to just ignore most all the internet ads that show up! Focus on what I am here for and tune those things out!)

Spend time ANYTIME to be with and/or remember the person or whatever that "holiday" entails. If you still feel the need to celebrate those "holidays", go for it. If not, make it about something else. Think about how many of those "remembrance" days have morphed into barbecues and parades! I started to call many of them "Happy Day off with pay."  That was NEVER the intent for any of them. For those with no mother or children, there are others out there who could benefit from you spending time with them (preferably WHENEVER, not on that corporate day, although they might appreciate that as well!) Many elderly no longer have (or never had) children or family to visit, many children have no mom or dad - give your time to them ANY day, not just those special days! Although our mom is still "with" us (almost 95, but more like 5!) and I visit, I spend time with another resident (100) as well on Jigsaw puzzles (we both love them!) and somehow mom has taken interest (not very good at it, but given that she never had any interest in anything like that, it does keep her occupied sometimes!) The other resident and I enjoy each other's company - she has plenty of family who visit and keep in touch often, so she does not NEED me, but I enjoy her and she loves to see me there! I also try to interact with other residents as well. I'm sure for some it becomes lonely and tedious being there all day, with visits from family on occasion! So rather than wallow in hate for what corporate America has done, channel that energy into making someone else's day or life a little better and brighter!
(0)
Report

My mother died 14 years ago right after Mothers' Day, so it has a double-whammy for me as I don't have any children myself. But my solution is to call up a friend who also isn't a mother (for years it was a male friend, who died this past year) and we wish each other Happy Mothers' Day, because why shouldn't we have a nice day too? This year I bought myself a violet (her favorite flower) that I was going to take to Mom at the cemetery, but I kept it instead at my house because some people steal from cemeteries on special occasions. Yes, it's a commercial just like Christmas, Halloween, Independence Day, etc. if you let it become one. Always glad when these days are over.
(1)
Report

I heard this on the radio yesterday, others may have heard it as well ... this history of Mother’s Day (this is from The History Channel website): “The American incarnation of Mother’s Day was created by Anna Jarvis in 1908 and became an official U.S. holiday in 1914. Jarvis would later denounce the holiday’s commercialization and spent the latter part of her life trying to remove it from the calendar.”
(1)
Report

I lost my mother to sudden, unexpected illness on September 26, 2015. Six months and six days later, my father died of a bowel obstruction. I lost BOTH parents within such a short time span, what could be worse? Well, losing a child. Losing a child is way worse. This past Thanksgiving, my eldest/first born daughter, Jessie, passed away unexpectedly. Her body was found in her car. She had been on her way to her in-law's home on Thanksgiving and never made it there. She left behind two small children, one of whom is with his father and doing great. He was only 6-months old when he lost the sweet, beautiful mother he will have no memories of. Her older child from another relationship, is a beautiful, 12-year-old girl. Her father is out of the picture, so we are raising her and are in the process of adopting her. So, Mother's Day was excrutiatingly painful for me and for her yesterday. There were a lot of tears. We spent the day together hiding from the world. We slept in, had pancakes for breakfast and went shopping for some new clothes for an upcoming baby shower - anything to keep the focus on something else besides the mothers we were both missing so badly.
It went pretty well, but we both lost interest in shopping before we found what we were looking for, so we went home and shared a pizza and settled in for the night. So I thought. Just about dark, she asked if she could go to the park to release a Mother's Day balloon with a message written on it to her momma. I was proud and horrified all at once. We rushed to the store and bought their last, half deflated Mother's Day helium balloon, taped a photo of her children to it and wrote messages on it to her. I drove to the park where we held her memorial celebration of life and it was CLOSED to the public, so we had to drive to a neighboring church and sneak into the park! Who was going to stop us, tho, really??? We walked to the hill where she had released the 36 balloons that day so raw on my heart still. Then she asked me to RECORD her releasing the balloon! I did as I was asked using my iPhone as a spotlight and her's to record the release. We stood there staring up into the dark night sky watching as the balloon with our Mother's Day wishes drifted upward and out of sight in the night sky. Then, we took the long way around the park back to my car at the church. Along the way, she said to me: "You know what's weird? Sometimes it feels like she's still here. I still can't believe she's really gone." The tears welled up and I choked them back as I replied: "As long as you and Jaxson are on this Earth, she is still here. Each of you are a physical part of her, so as long as you are here and someday, your children and their children, she we always be here." We walked silently back to the car and came home. So, to answer your question, I dreaded Mother's Day this year. Cried many times thinking of it and how I'd face it and how I'd help her little girl face it. Thanks to that little girl, I now know exactly how we will face it every year going forward - with balloons and a Sharpie marker on that hill at the park.  So, my suggestion to you and anyone suffering as I was until a 12-year-old girl touched my heart with a simple request is this: Find a new way of honoring the one you are missing.  The heartache and tears will still be there every year, but so will the smiles and laughs and memories and before you know it, hopefully, the new memories of this annual rememberance will bring more smiles than tears.  That is what I am hoping for.
(3)
Report

THANK MY LUCKY STARS that day is over!
(3)
Report

I love Mother's Day and my 3 sons love taking me out and buying gifts. I did the same with my Mom. It is two days in the year Mother's Day and Birthdays to make mom feel special, even if my sons always show it in small ways throughout the year. The same applies for dad, but my sons grew up without their dad, from a very early age, so I was both mom and dad to them. The same applies to ALL birthdays, meaning theirs.
We see it more as a family gathering, which we love. I do know it can be commercial, but I always tell them the gift is not as important as the gathering. Yesterday I got the most beautiful and rewarding message written on two pages from my one son. An "I Remember" message, listing all the many beautiful memories he has as a child. I put my kids before anything or anyone else, even when I had opportunities for a new relationship and owned two businesses. I tried to do for them, more than what I had as a child. The rewards are very fulfilling.

My mom passed away in 2001 and I visit her at her grave on her birthday, Mother's day, Xmas, ens. She is and will always be my mother, even if I didn't have the happiest of childhood and even if she is no longer physically here. It's the natural cycle of life and we do our best with what we have.
(1)
Report

To me, practically all holiday celebration is forced. Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparent's Day, Valentine Day....et al. They are manufactured celebrations to generate revenue.

My Mom has been gone 6 years now and it just doesn't enter my mind. She lived a good long life and while I cried when she died, I don't dwell on her being gone. I don't do "miss you" tributes on Facebook or any other media.

But, don't be worried about your feelings and just let her death go. Remember her, but don't let other people affect your emotions because of the way they act on MD.

My wife and I never had kids, and we don't give those manufactured celebration days a second thought. Our lives are not incomplete because we don't get Mother's, Father's, or Grandparent's Day cards or recognition.

Don't fall for the brainwashing most everyone else has succumbed to.
(3)
Report

I am so sorry, Janet.
(2)
Report

My only child died December 11, 2012. Her death left me feeling like a childless mother.

My mother died July 26, 2017. Now I also feel like a motherless child.

You are not alone in loathing Mother's Day.
(5)
Report

I hate mother’s day period.
(3)
Report

I’ve always disliked Mother’s Day because my mother doesn’t have a maternal instinct in her dna. She’s unappreciative of flowers or gifts no matter the occasion....she’s broken and has ptsd from the war. I feel sorry for her
(0)
Report

Veronica, love your story about Mothering Day.
(0)
Report

I've always hated Mother's Day! The first year after Mom died my one sister who lives out of town phoned me and said "I figured you would be feeling sad today" I replied, to be honest, this day means nothing to me. Every day was Mother's Day to me when Mom was alive. I still feel that way. The same with Valentine's Day. You see all these men walking down the street clutching flowers thinking they are so great cause they are acknowledging the day. When I get flowers just because, I appreciate them a lot more cause it's a surprise and unexpected. Same with Mother's day. To all of you who still have your Mom, take her out for lunch or dinner out of the blue one day and watch her face light up.
(2)
Report

I grew up in the UK so there was no such thing as Mother's Day. We did however have Mothering Sunday which was one of the Sundays during Lent. We kids went to church on the Saturday prior haveing picked wild flowers mostly primroses which grew wild on the banks beside the roads in those days. We each made up little posies for our Mums and took them home. There was absolutely no commercialism in those days. Gifts were not given or expected.
These days our eldest daughter has always sent flowers haveing been mostly raised in the US and this year invited us to a lovely lunch at her house as we now live nearby. I just feel so blessed.
(2)
Report

The event is wearing especially since it often involves persons with health issues (who refuse to wear their hearing aides and instead keep them in a drawer).
(1)
Report

thought I had to share. I went to WalMart to pick up a few things and it was packed with women, women with kids etc. So much for Mother's Day.
(1)
Report

I went to church last night and it was a tad over the top Mother's Day-centric as well. I have no problem with the sentiment of appreciating mothers but at our church it was part of opening greeting, sermon, one song, and of course the ol' all mothers stand up, with a gift giveway to a mother/kid combo who agreed to participate in a (admittedly cute) game show-type segment. 

To be fair, this church is generally very thoughtful in its approach to things and there were acknowledgements of infertility, not everyone can be parents, dads are important too, yada yada but still the whole theme of the service was Mother's Day, a holiday which isn't mentioned in the Bible and that Jesus seems not to have celebrated, as best as I can tell.

Maybe most of the people in churches these days like all this razzamatazz? Is that it? When I looked around the church while mothers were standing up to be acknowledged, there were a lot of stoic, hard-to-read expressions on people's faces....
(3)
Report

I feel you.. I am not liking the insensitivity. It's been 1 year 8 months since our mom has past. I have been pushing myself into trying to do normal things. Working full time plus has kept me super busy. Sometimes, I feel better, other times it's like, I could have stayed home or did something else. So today, Sunday, Mother's day, I went to church. Message... totally about mother's duties... then pastor calls all children/adults included to come to the altar with their mothers for prayer. Tearing up!!! To me so insensitive. There are several people who have lost their mothers recently. There are grandmothers, aunts, godmothers, foster moms, women and even men (alone) who are raising children these days. No acknowledgement, empathy, or sympathy. No prayers offered to those who have lost their mothers, either. There have been better messages and services in the past. I've always try to look for the positive in things, but... this hurts. Oh, I miss my mom so much - the shopping, outings, etc... My mom was soooo appreciative.. the memories are comforting. A few people gave me a hug after service which was comforting. I did reach out to a few people during the day to say Happy Mother's Day... even though painful. Last year (the 1st year without mom), I gave out flowers, cards, and candy... You would not believe the coldness from close family members. So, this year I did not go out my way to them. But hopefully, next year I can get back on track and touch those who I know will appreciate some kindness. I am like show kindness everyday, not just on Mother's day or a special day. Be appreciative of others everyday, not just special moments. Next year, I may stay home or do something more up lifting. I don't like being in a funk...
(2)
Report

I can certainly understand the feelings you describe, Daughterof1930. I wouldn't say I hate it but I certainly find it a painful day. I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother but felt that I 'ought' to buy a gift and a card for her. Choosing a card for her was always an unpleasant experience because most of the messages in the card made me all the more aware that I didn't feel the same love for her. I have two daughters and one is mentally and physically handicapped, who long ago chose to become estranged from me. The second one lives a long way from me and our contact is through infrequent phone calls but regular contact on Facebook. We both regret that we are not close enough to visit. She can't afford to come to me often with her family of 7 children, 4 of whom are still at home. I can't go to her as my husband has severe emphysema and suffered a stroke in 2010. I am his carer. When my daughter called to wish me Happy Mother's Day, she was in tears because her children had not made her feel loved and valued. Like Christmas and birthdays, it is another occasion when we feel that we are not experiencing the great joy that somehow we are 'supposed' to.
(4)
Report

Mothers Day is better titled ‘Retailers Day Number Three’. Retailers here are pushing Valentines Day and Fathers Day up into the league, with valiant attempts at Halloween (when here in Australia it’s spring and pumpkins are out of season). At least Australia doesn’t have Thanksgiving (again, it’s spring, which rather misses the point).

A phone call or an email is quite good enough for Mothers Day, and it does give children a chance to pick a card and make a scribble for Mum and Grandma even if they can’t write very well. It’s quite nice to get a letter in the post with a stamp, that isn’t a bill or a beg.

There is absolutely nothing in the Bible about Mothers Day. Try to avoid shopping and Church for a fortnight, and you can miss the worst of it. My husband and I even manage to dodge most of the Olympics, proving that we have practised building up avoidance skills!
(1)
Report

CaregiverL: "Yeah I hate mother’s day since Dementia my real mother’s gone & evil demon took over her body...I cannot count the number of times she hit, punched & cursed me just today alone." 

Hitting and punching is physical abuse. Is there nothing to be done about this? I am so, so sorry that this is what your life has become!

(Is there NO alternative? Sounds like she she needs a meds overhaul at the very least. Do you ever get respite? Is there anyone else in your family --- SIBS? -- who help out at all? Don't you think she merits placement in a facility?)
(2)
Report

I beg to differ and I don't mind being the anomaly. Celebrate mothers, stepmoms, godmoms, grandmoms and mother-in-laws!
(1)
Report

I have hated mother's day since I lost my mother when i was 15. Never lucky enough to have any children of my own either. I went to church today and they were handing out roses to all the moms. I took one for my cats.
(5)
Report

1 2 3