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My mom as been in a long term care facility since Thanksgiving. We moved her here from her home state so that she would have a family member close by. I am not one of those people who do well in hospital type environments.
At first I tried to go visit every day, but I became an anxious riddled mess. So, for my own mental health, I now look at my weekly calendar and plan two visits each week.
I get so anxious that I can't sleep the night before I go and I can't eat most of the day of the visit. Will I get used this? Is this just the transition to a new stage for me?
I just wonder if I am all alone in feeling this way.

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I visited my mom and her sister for 6 years in a memory care facility near me. I had a beautiful Standard Poodle who always went with me. When mom could no longer speak, Vanessa would sit with her head in her lap and mom would pet her while I prattled on about everything and nothing. Mom and Ness are gone now but I will always be grateful to that lovely animal.
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You are not alone in feeling that way. I have anxiety about visiting my mom in AL too. I don't live in the same state, but before a trip to see my mom, I always feel like it's something I have to mentally prepare myself for. Mostly because it's sad, painful and frustrating to see my smart and active mom deteriorating, less about the AL living space itself.
In my experience both mom and I do well when I join for a meal, usually lunch - would the facility let you join mom for a meal, and then you could leave after?
Everyday seems like too much to visit so I'm glad you adjusted. I would go once a week if I were closer.
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I find though mornings till lunch are the busiest time of the day for facilities. Mornings are getting residents up dressed and down to breakfast. While at breakast beds are brpeing made, dirty clothes picked up and thrown in the bins. Then med passes and before you know it, lunchtime.

I would ask the aide what time in the morning is the best time to visit? I am big on stopping in. That keeps staff on their toes. But I started doing just before dinner. The reason being is the aides having trouble keeping Mom in the dining room. These aides were expected to get the tables ready and serve drinks and food. The first course was salad. Mom did not eat it. So since she had no real food in front of her, she would get up and wander. I came in about 4pm one day and the aide said "good, you can watch Mom" and explained why. So I would visitbin the Common area and when the main course was on the table the aide would hollar "OK" and I would take Mom to her table. Then I would kiss herbonvthe cheek and leave. Worked for me and worked for the aides.

Are you spending time with Mom in the Common area. In the AL, I always found someone to talk to. At the NH there was a lovely lady there for her husband. Neither of or LOs could hold a conversation, so we talked. Passed the time away. I never spent more than an hour. Can't do that all day thing.
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I have to second what Hothouseflower said about timing. Before lunch visits or visiting during lunch ( I’d feed mom ) worked well and made for a less awkward departure.

Thanks to lunch I got to know a couple of residents well , as they sat similar personalities together at small tables. This might sound insane but now that mom is recently passed, Im thinking of going back and having lunch with one of the ‘ladies who lunch’, as I called our tiny meal group. ( When its not one’s parent it’s much easier ) Seeing mom was always very very difficult, but the lunch timing plus everything I mentioned helped me.
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I hear you about anxiety. I don't do well with going to nursing homes either.

I'm off on Tuesday to NYC for my three weeks of dad visits. I've got.a knot in the pit of my stomach already. I have been doing this for two years now and hate it.

I limit my visits to under an hour, more than that is unnecessary. I visit before lunch so there is an end time. Then I have the whole rest of the day to myself.

Just figure out what you need to do to calm down. Hang in.
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Try taking some knitting with you. I’m knitting new hot water bottle covers at the moment. It gives you something to do, something to focus your attention on, and it is actually quite relaxing.
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Try to get to bed earlier the night before your visits so that you can start to wind down sooner. You might get more sleep that way, too. Feeling more rested would help you to navigate the visiting day more easily.

One thing that I do when I visit Mom is to turn on the TV 📺. We watch the news together, and I try to comment on some of the stories that might be of interest to her: it’s more relaxing than forcing a running conversation as she is very hard of hearing. TV might also help to take your mind off the hospital-type environment (a kind of distraction).

Magazines are a good idea, too, as articles can be interesting to read.

If the climate permits where you are, there might be an outdoor area that you could sit in—much nicer than being indoors.

If you can’t manage 2 visits a week at the moment, consider scaling it back to 1 until you’re more used to the new environment.
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I’m not sure anyone likes the visits. I did four years of nursing home visits with my mother and pretty much hated them all. Her speech became more and more limited before entirely going away, so one sided conversation was a big challenge. I had to determine to make it positive, though I wasn’t feeling that way on the inside, a sort of “fake it til you make it” After all, it’s not like my mom or anyone really wants a nursing home for themselves and it truly could be any of us. I started going in with a new joke each time, mom would always laugh, I’d trim and paint her nails (not sure either of us cared, but it passed the time) put lotion on her arms and hands, updated her on family and anything else I could think of, took her outdoors unless the weather was too bad, went to activities with her, whatever I could think of, and I’m still sure I could have done better. You will adjust, you’ll never exactly like it, but seeing her as a human in need helps get over the hurdle of the environment. Go do something positive that you enjoy each time you leave. Getting to know some of the other families and staff helps as well. Wishing you peace
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I utilized screaming in the car to the utmost. Also cbd ( no thc ) mild gummies. Then started bringing a ukelele over which I swear worked wonders for me and my mom liked our mini impromptu concerts. Just about nobody can get agitated at a ukelele. Only a few basic chords and you can make up songs on the fly. These three thing saw me though many many visits.
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This can happen, and you can get it to improve over time.
As mentioned, once to twice a week should be sufficient for in person visits. You can make quick phone calls in between (do you get anxious for the phone calls too)?

What if, you don't plan ahead for the weekly visit, if that is possible? IN your mind, make it more spontaneous and decide on the spur of the moment when to go over. Then you wont have to dread it for 24 hours before.
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I think you can do some mindfulness, and you can make it easier, but, I suspect you will have better days where you forget your anxiety and other bad days that it will hit you, many days will be someplace in the middle.

Limit your days and time and what can help is realizing you are in control. Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you just completely walk away. Knowing in your heart that if you absolutely have to you can walk, you have the power here, might help.
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I never felt relaxed or happy about visiting my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living, or in AL before that. Of course, my mother was very negative and chronically complaining and bad mouthing everyone from the staff to my deceased father who was STILL pissing her off, somehow.

I visited her anyway to make sure all was okay with her care and she had everything she needed. I normally went once a week though, and didn't force myself to have a stomachache and anxiety more often, if I could avoid it.

Why are you so upset visiting mom? I don't think anyone likes hospital type environments, but they become familiar enough with time. If not, limit your visits.
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