My mom as been in a long term care facility since Thanksgiving. We moved her here from her home state so that she would have a family member close by. I am not one of those people who do well in hospital type environments.
At first I tried to go visit every day, but I became an anxious riddled mess. So, for my own mental health, I now look at my weekly calendar and plan two visits each week.
I get so anxious that I can't sleep the night before I go and I can't eat most of the day of the visit. Will I get used this? Is this just the transition to a new stage for me?
I just wonder if I am all alone in feeling this way.
In my experience both mom and I do well when I join for a meal, usually lunch - would the facility let you join mom for a meal, and then you could leave after?
Everyday seems like too much to visit so I'm glad you adjusted. I would go once a week if I were closer.
I would ask the aide what time in the morning is the best time to visit? I am big on stopping in. That keeps staff on their toes. But I started doing just before dinner. The reason being is the aides having trouble keeping Mom in the dining room. These aides were expected to get the tables ready and serve drinks and food. The first course was salad. Mom did not eat it. So since she had no real food in front of her, she would get up and wander. I came in about 4pm one day and the aide said "good, you can watch Mom" and explained why. So I would visitbin the Common area and when the main course was on the table the aide would hollar "OK" and I would take Mom to her table. Then I would kiss herbonvthe cheek and leave. Worked for me and worked for the aides.
Are you spending time with Mom in the Common area. In the AL, I always found someone to talk to. At the NH there was a lovely lady there for her husband. Neither of or LOs could hold a conversation, so we talked. Passed the time away. I never spent more than an hour. Can't do that all day thing.
Thanks to lunch I got to know a couple of residents well , as they sat similar personalities together at small tables. This might sound insane but now that mom is recently passed, Im thinking of going back and having lunch with one of the ‘ladies who lunch’, as I called our tiny meal group. ( When its not one’s parent it’s much easier ) Seeing mom was always very very difficult, but the lunch timing plus everything I mentioned helped me.
I'm off on Tuesday to NYC for my three weeks of dad visits. I've got.a knot in the pit of my stomach already. I have been doing this for two years now and hate it.
I limit my visits to under an hour, more than that is unnecessary. I visit before lunch so there is an end time. Then I have the whole rest of the day to myself.
Just figure out what you need to do to calm down. Hang in.
One thing that I do when I visit Mom is to turn on the TV 📺. We watch the news together, and I try to comment on some of the stories that might be of interest to her: it’s more relaxing than forcing a running conversation as she is very hard of hearing. TV might also help to take your mind off the hospital-type environment (a kind of distraction).
Magazines are a good idea, too, as articles can be interesting to read.
If the climate permits where you are, there might be an outdoor area that you could sit in—much nicer than being indoors.
If you can’t manage 2 visits a week at the moment, consider scaling it back to 1 until you’re more used to the new environment.
As mentioned, once to twice a week should be sufficient for in person visits. You can make quick phone calls in between (do you get anxious for the phone calls too)?
What if, you don't plan ahead for the weekly visit, if that is possible? IN your mind, make it more spontaneous and decide on the spur of the moment when to go over. Then you wont have to dread it for 24 hours before.
Limit your days and time and what can help is realizing you are in control. Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you just completely walk away. Knowing in your heart that if you absolutely have to you can walk, you have the power here, might help.
I visited her anyway to make sure all was okay with her care and she had everything she needed. I normally went once a week though, and didn't force myself to have a stomachache and anxiety more often, if I could avoid it.
Why are you so upset visiting mom? I don't think anyone likes hospital type environments, but they become familiar enough with time. If not, limit your visits.