Anticipating grief, loss.

@tiredandalone, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the time you spent with her gives you solace. That the memory of your bond sustains you. And that you find relief in knowing you were there for her in all the ways than you could and that matter. Despite the shock, and despair times I would encourage you to reach out in your grief. Again your story helped me tonight. Somehow we are all in this together.

@tiredandalone, thanks for sharing. The only thing that is helpful is sharing and hearing about what others have experienced. Loss is one of those few universal experiences we share as humans. We should share more but everyone grieves in solitude. I’m not sure how helpful or healthy that is.
But you hit the nail in the head about the anticipatory grief. It’s a whole other monster and I don’t talk about it either but I feel like it’s eating me inside. I still push through and outwardly everything seems under control, it is. I’m going thru all the things I have to do. But the stress and panic that comes over me is something I have a hard time even explaining. It also drives the behavior of trying to control everything and study reports and go down the rabbit hole of all things medical related to the condition at hand. This happens in a very structured way, seemingly all under control. But on the inside is driven by the sheer fear and panic of anticipating loss. It’s so subtle and yet so consuming. We are people of faith and so a driving principle is that ultimately all is in Gods time. And intellectually you can know all of that and still fear can be a powerful adversary. I’ve learned to find ways to recenter myself and acknowledge my own fear of that unknown pain. And I move on but wanted to spend some time here finding out how you all were doing and find some community in this experience.

I was there for months and years. I was terrified of the day my mom would die. I actually had a dream about it and it was worse than anything I could think of. Well, it did happen, just 3 weeks ago. I'm in a weird space, surreal. I actually go to look in her room, hoping she is there, and of course she isn't. She lived with me for 10 years with alzheimers. She always knew me, and in the last few months she could sometimes even be lucid at night as we watched tv. A few weeks before she passed she actually reached over and petted my hair, like she used to do. It was such a precious moment and a gift. The last weeks were bad. I finally called our dr requesting hospice. I've been beyond burnout for more than a year. Every night I prayed for patience and told myself that I would make more time for her, which I seldom did. But I did finally find more time and patience the last weeks. I said everything else can wait (house, etc), she was most important. So I spent more nights sitting with her, sometimes holding her like a child, which she loved.
The grief is unbearable. I'm still in shock. All I could think as she was drawing her last breath was, how can I live without my mama?!!
She was my life, my heart, she was me and I was her. There are no words to express this absolute pit of agony. I miss her every minute of the day.
Three nights in a row, after she died, I had terrible dreams about when she was sick. She died from the alz, no pneumonia or anything else. This horrible disease just wore her poor body out. She was 88.
But I'm so glad she was here with me. No matter how hard it was and how much it broke me down, I thank god that she was here, where she belonged. Now she is where she really belongs, at peace finally after years of struggle.
I had begged her so many times before not to leave me, just crying, so afraid of losing her. Finally I had to tell her it was ok to go. That I would be alright. I would miss her and always love her, but I would be ok. My brother came to visit the week before. My sister came over that day. The chaplain came and prayed and told her it was ok to let go, too. She died less than 2 hours later.
I still can't believe she's gone. I grieve in private, when I'm alone. I've talked with one friend about my pain, and that same night I had a dream about mama. She walked into the room in her blue robe, sat down and she was smiling and happy. No bad dreams since. I don't know if she came to me, I like to think so. But I was comforted by the dream, for a while. Later that day a song on the radio brought me back down, hard.
I don't want to talk yet. My body has a long way to go to recover. My mind and my heart probably never will. But I will go on, and I'll be ok, like I told her.
It is a long, very difficult, very lonely road. I am in despair at times, but it doesn't last, I cry, and then keep on going. Late afternoons and evenings are the worst. That was when I would finally start winding down and sit with her for the night until bedtime.
Not sure if this helps you at all. But I wanted to share with you how my journey has been, the anticipatory grief, and the real thing now.
My days are empty and lonely. So many times I want to pick up the phone and call her, which is odd because I haven't done that in years. I miss her more than I could have imagined. And that dream of her being dead? My reality is so much worse. That's why I feared it so much because I knew it would be like this.
Very few words bring any comfort to me. I can only say, remember you are human. We can only do our best. I can't change anything in the past, so guilt serves no purpose. It's natural, but try not to dwell on it. Anyone who is fortunate enough to be cared for out of pure love will be grateful and forgiving. I know my mama forgives me for my impatience and lack of time. She knew I loved her.
Be gentle with yourself. Take your time, don't let anyone rush you. I wish you peace.

Be kind to yourself now and after LO’s death .
Don’t second guess or scold yourself .
Lower your expectations . You are doing the best you can , and it will be enough .
Let yourself grieve now and later . Don’t feel guilt for the feeling of relief that will eventually come when the caregiving is over.(((hugs)))