July 4th.. Another holiday to deal with!

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I don't know about you but it seems like these darn holidays are never ending.. I used to look forward to July 4th..For years I had a cookout but since I stopped not one of my siblings even call to see what we are doing... No invites for us!

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Hope22, I love what Vegas just said! I do believe that your soul remains untouched and that your God is watching you and feels your angst. Now that you have reached the top of your anger and resentment, and the time to act by putting your mother in a NH, I think the next step is reclaiming your life. I believe God will help you come back to your natural joy within after that action is taken. At least you can learn how to deal with your mother from that distance from this site. You will have to let go and detach from the brother and mother, just as all of us have to do eventually. Might as well start now. And as in nature, something new sprouts up in the place where things have passed on: whether it is an attitude or a physical form.
And the heaven we seek, I believe, is in releasing these old painful thoughts we are experiencing now.

We don't have to believe ourselves to BE our emotions. You are HOPE, afterall! ;)

PS: dark circles under the eyes signal it's time to take care of your liver.
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An awful lot of us will be hanging out in h*ll together if all it took was a lot of screaming and losing our tempers when tired and frustrated. In fact, there's probably not enough room for all of us down there. Most caregivers will be on the UP escalator
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totally understand judda...but the kicker for me is that Mama prefers his company over mine....he has been selfish his entire life, she has spent most of her and Dad's finances over taking care of him and his sorry greedy family...he has never had to do one stinking thing that required work...the rare times he has done anything she paid him three times what it would have cost a professional to do it...including him bringing her a loaf of bread and some milk and her handing him fifty dollars for it...and I'm not joking...it is really coming home to roost for me...I am so tired that I am no longer able to ignore what has transpired over the past twenty plus years ...and now I am resenting the hell out of Mama and him....I fear I am going to h*ll for the way I feel tonight...what is wrong with me...trying to do the right thing but the funny thing is, in doing so, have totally lost my soul....my brother can do no wrong...which I guess is easy enough since he does NOTHING anyway..but I can't do enough and what I do is always wrong. I am spending what is left of my life feeding someone who can't feed themselves, talking and entertaining someone who can't or won't talk back and cleaning up one pile of crap after another...she can't move herself at all so I have to do all the lifting and rolling and moving and my back is going. I limp when I walk and I have black circles around my eyes...everyone sees it, but not one gives a crap. the only thing I already know is, my brother has already informed me they are not going to take care of her...he is her golden boy and he has said he isn't doing it...my Daddy saw it all for what it was...he knew...he talked to me about it...when I lost him I lost the last person on this earth who loved me...if he could talk to me now I think he would tell me he loves me, he is proud of me, and it is time for me to put her in a NH and not look back.... I am totally broken tonight...I screamed at Mama tonight...yes I am ashamed....and I fear hell yawns wide before me....but I am broken and can't see any fixing it....it's too late.
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Hey Hope, I have a brother like your SIL. He makes 6 figures a year, is treated like the Golden Boy, does nothing for my mother, hasn't visited us in 3 years and when we go see him all he talks about is his job, his dogs, or his pool. He has no interest in anyone but himself. How can he see himself as a success? Must have a whole different set of self made rules...? My mother often says she doesn't feel like she has a son, and I don't feel like I have a brother.
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After this weekend, pretty much see life as it is ...feels like something in my soul went "thud" and I feel completely dead....still breathing...but dead here.
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oops..meant to include this is the SIL who has made it clear she has no use for me, so sure....I LOVE to come up and listen to you b*tch and moan because yall can't decide what landscaping project you want to do next...told brother thanks but no, I don't feel welcome at your home.
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No celebration here either. Had someone try to invite themselves...Nope...not waiting on you hand and foot...already do that 24/7. Got one "invitation" from brother that he would stay with Mama and let me go visit with SIL at the palace on the lake...(this is the SIL who has not been to our home in over two years now, doesn't call, doesn't help, does nothing for anyone but herself...) opted for plan A, do nothing ...period. good thing. got 1 1/2 hours sleep the night before so felt like pure heck...after getting Mama's afternoon changing done, took me a nice long nap...got another text by the friend trying to invite themselves...again...no thank you ...taking a nap..buh bye....ended up grilling for ME and watch the Macy's fireworks on television followed by a Capitol Fourth..both excellent...enough celebrating for me....
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No celebration for us either, my sister did not even invite us to go watch fireworks. I did take my mom to her family reunion, that is the last time that happens too. Arguments with my mom and my sister made the 2.5 hour trip miserable and not one person showed any gratitude for all my efforts. NO MORE! We have a hard enough time on a day to day basis that I will not take on anymore holidays or celebrations.
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no invites for me either to go to bbqs or parties. I invited my parents over to see my new home but I was silly enough to think my mother would remember to tell my father (I know, right? what was I thinking?) so come Saturday I'm done with prepping for them to pop over and when I call I hear "so what time are you coming over?" what? I invited you over here! "well your father has gone through alot of trouble making dinner for us so what time are you coming over? But, you know dear if you ever want us to come see your new place we are just waiting for an invite..." hits head on desk at this point. So I give in and go to their house and try to have a conversation, which is impossible of course and meanwhile I think of my only other sibling who is 1000 miles away texting me about all the fun and parties he is invited to...arrrgh I guess if I had a more fun spirit these days maybe I'd have friends who wanted me around. At least some of you have husbands and children around so you're not completely alone. I don't even have that :(

My mom is fading. She asked me if my daughter was married. When I told her yes, she asked if she had been at her wedding. I told her yes. She got a sad look and said, "I dont' remember that." "That" was only 3 years ago. I know I should be grateful she is still here. I don't know many people my age with 2 living parents but sometimes its a burden being the only adult child who has to do so much for their emotional wellbeing and care. I know one day I will look back and scold myself for not appreciating these last years, yet on the other hand I still want a life too. Talk about guilt!

So, no parties, no bbq's for me this july 4th or any other holiday for that matter. I really truly dread Thanksgiving and Christmas when its only the 3 of us. This was not the life I had envisioned. I thought I'd have grown kids around with grandchildren under my feet. Instead everyone moved far away :(

Ok off my pity pot.
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and, I want to add the list of gratitude: I am celebrating that I am in a relatively free country (compared to other places on the planet), that I am not living in a war zone, that I have plenty to eat, to wear, and that I feel loved from within. I am grateful for who I am (with all my talents, flaws, and humor), and I am grateful that the Divine Director has given us our independence at the same time bestowing us with His/Her/It's unconditional love.

I offer a prayer for those whose land was stolen, whose lives were destroyed or enslaved by our forefathers, and I am grateful for the land we now stand on. I realize that each of us have an opportunity to make our own contribution to everyone's freedom in our community, our country, and in this world.
Happy July 4th!
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