Angry, racial, hateful.

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My father who raised all of us to be anything but discriminating, is now the most angry man I have ever seen. He has an arsenal enough to start a war! He cannot be reasoned with. He watches Fox News all day! He also has become racist. He's never been that way. I moved across the USA to help my mother and father keep their home. They have ongoing medical conditions. My family endures this abuse, my wife is other than white and it angers my father so much. I need some advice.

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My first concern would be the safety of your wife, given the racist attitude and the guns. But, does your father shoot these guns or just collect them? Does he have ammo for all of them? Are they kept in a locked gun safe? Are any of them automatics?

Regardless, I think you're wise to be concerned about the situation as well as for your wife.

Do you or does your mother have any insight into how this attitude developed, and over what period of time (i.e., since 9-11)? Sometimes tragedies can radicalize people.

I think I would make my first priority saving enough funds for yourself and your wife to get out of this unsafe environment, especially since if I read your post correctly you've already helped your parents stabilize their financial situation.

Also, if I understand correctly, your parents have high medical costs and can't afford their home. Are these medical costs that aren't covered by insurance? Can they qualify for Medicaid? Without prying, why are the medical costs so high? If they're old enough for Medicare and have a supplemental plan, that would cover the multitude of medical costs except for drugs. What are their medical issues?

It seems as though they should also be considering moving to a more reasonably priced home or apartment, but I suspect that your dad would resist that. If so, apparently you're going to have to prop them up financially, which suggests to me that you'll be stuck living with them.

I think your parents should consider a cheaper home, then you can reserve your own money for finding a place to live in which your wife isn't insulted.
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Is your father on any medications that could be contibuting to his lack of verbal restraint? Loosening his inhibitions. Does he drink?
Then, finally, have him checked for a UTI, urinary tract infection. Behavior change, and seniors often do not have the usual symptoms of fever, burning on urination, dark/cloudy urine, frequency, urgency, or even inability to urinate.
Please have him checked out medically. While at the ER, they can do a mental status assessment.
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Do you have children? Maybe if you did have one that would soften his heart towards a grandchild. If you do have children, are the weapons locked away from the children?
Is your father an ex-military man? Maybe he has ptsd. Ever heard of that?
How can we help you and your wife?
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I am hoping we won't be seeing your father on FOX news. Be safe. Do not minimize your father's anger, get some help. You were right to ask for help here. There is, in certain areas of the country, a PET team, that is a psychiatric evaluation team. Don't worry if he gets angrier just then, that is when they can best help him by medicating him.
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Jbjs40, Angry, Racial, Hateful, he has enough aresenal to start a war? Does that mean guns?
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I sympathize with you. My dad watches Fox news a lot too. It really does them a disservice as it tries to aggravate and play into people's fears. My dad is not that bad, but I can see it going that way if he were to have any mental decline.

Have you noticed anything else about your dad's mental state? The reason I ask is that if he never was like that before, then I would question that change in his mental status. I might rule out infections, medications, depression, etc. If it's dementia that is causing it, it's not likely to improve. The brain isn't working right and he may likely forget that you have spoken to him about it. Delusions are common with dementia. Does he have a delusion about another race of people?

I would try to determine what is causing it and if he does NOT have dementia, then I would either just get a tough skin or move out, explaining to him that you will not allow that kind of insult against your wife. I would make sure I could make if financially before I did it.

First, I might try this:
You might also first lay out a financial plan for how the finances work, one on how your parent's would work with and without you living there and then review them with your parents and wife. You might highlight how working together financially has many benefits, but the money isn't worth it to you if your wife is insulted all the time. Perhaps playing to his sense of fair play and financial benefit will appeal to him. At least you will know where he stands and if he's comprehending the reality of the situation.
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Thanks, yeah we moved in with them so they could concentrate on medical bills. We are all caught up on the mortgage now. But the jobs here pay so much less we couldn't possibly afford a place of our own. Neither can my parents afford their current home. Not with all the medical costs. My wife adores my parents and overlooks the verbal trespasses with dignity, I don't. Nor can I. My father was never like that before, and I do not waste time in correcting him. I don't think it is working, however. I need a different strategy.
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I'm going to give you my perspective as a wife. The #1 thing about the way I relate to my inlaws is that they're not my parents so guilt trips don't work on me. Did you move across the country and in with your parents into their home or into your own place nearby? When my husband and I were figuring out what to do about his parents who couldn't live alone anymore we thought about getting a house big enough to fit all of us. Thank goodness my brother talked me out of that idea! So if you're living with your folks I recommend that you move to your own place where your wife feels at home and where she has a refuge from her angry, racist, hateful father-in-law. Is your parent's home so spectacular that you plan on living there one day? You only have control over your marriage. Have you asked your wife what she wants to do?
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