I meant to update sooner. Hoped to have more poisitive or at least neutral news. Here goes...2 weeks ago, after finding my dad not only in those conditions from afraid and most of all alone, dying daily a little and from no food, water or human touch..of course every few days a few minutes. I guess I should start with the fact that it is a LTCF or maybe just an AL or I do not know what. There are no nurses staitions, no pharmacy , no nothing. 2 weeks ago I hoped that treason may prevail and of course. No. The POA had called a local agencey because I 1) disagreed on the agency and wanted one we were familiar with. 2) in the past she used to call every agency , dr. nurses aide,etc when mom was in hopital and we thought it sort of eccentric. This time as a backstory she did the same with my dad. I do not what was alleged but I should have kept our guard up. This hospice agency had him moved as I was later told, so the driving would be shorter for her. I have been told many things. None make sense. Now he is dying. He may be dead now, I have no way of knowing. I have gone to the facility to be threatened that I need appointment. Management is not there on weekends. Visits are 15 minutes. My dad cannot use a cell phone. There are no phones in the rooms anyway and the call string is across the room. A week ago, he tried so hard to show he could get out of bed. He could sit up and slide off onto the floor. I am sure he thought as I did it was progress. I tried phoning POA but never received a pick up or reponse to VM. Sorry if i am making spelling mistakes. I'm lying here thinking how every day someone hopes for a visit and never happens. I finally called police to let me in yesterday. But he had both eyes shut and these stupid aides hovering around with those stupid swabs when he tried to tell me something in a hoarse whisper. Then they said I tried to drag him out of bed and will call police back. I said this point I do not know how to live each day. I contacted different groups and used suggestions but it always came back to this POA .I have heard others on the forum have them but not to the extent they can just take over an entire life and the relatives too. My worst thing, I should never have called 911 when he fell. It caused the delerium at the hospital and why put in a pacemaker at his age? Anyway, the place wants the month of July paid at least 10000, and he does have long term care and I offered to pay what I could but they only want a lien on my parents house. I know there are some good hospices and if I thought an ambulance would be allowed to take him of course I would. I am just numb .Sort of like waiting for a flood gate to open. I hope he stops suffering soon. And the POA should walk a few feet in our shoes. I don't know if I hope he is alive or not. It will take all my strength to find out.Every morning for a few seconds I think it was a nightmare. I see his shoes and grocery list and socks laid out on Memorial Day. I know he knows I loved him. I wanted so to have better news.I am amazed at the strength he has.Why could he nor have been hand fed or had some PT or OT? why why why?

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So sorry for what you are being put thru. But please, do not use any of your money to pay Dads bills. This is the responsibility of the POA. That person should be able to get to Dads funds. They need to contact the POA. Let them put a lean on the home. It will be satisfied when it sells.

Who is Executor? Thats the person who will take over when Dad passes. POA stops at death.


I am sorry for what you are going through.

Who is the POA? Can you not speak to them (calmly--take a few deep breaths) and find out what is going on.

The care facility HAS to follow the POA's instructions, whether you like them or not. Please don't be angry and aggressive--you'll be shooting yourself in the foot.

Hospice's main goal is peace at the EOL. Not hysterics and anger--so they will use what they have at their disposal to work to that end. If you come in, buns blazing, so to speak, they will reciprocate and you will lose the chance to see your dad at all.

Please do try to contact the POA. I think that is the only way you will get quality time with dad.

My heart goes out to you--this is obviously a tough time for you. I wish you the best.

Lissy, I am so sorry for all you are going through and I hope you have the support of friends, and of perhaps your own therapist to help you through. Your Dad is in Hospice Care now. The aids you describe were not "stupid". They had swabs to moisten the membranes of your Dad who cannot take fluids to moisten his mouth. Typically this is done so that the patient is able to talk, something "dry mouth" prevents. I am relieved you got to see your Dad, even if through police escort, but I am not relieved that it ended with accusations of your trying to pull Dad from bed. Lissy, we have only your side in this story, which I know you know. You are clearly overwrought and destroyed by grief, but it would be a rare thing for Hospice Aids to threaten to call the police for no reason. That would mean that they are evil people. I think you recognize that is not the case.
I wish your visit to your Dad went better. I think, as it went so badly, you may not get back into the home to see your Dad and that is sad for you both. You were his caregiver for a long time and you are correct that he knows you love him. But distress that he had to witness with your visit isn't fair to him. He needs calm and gentleness now, medications to keep him from suffering.
You should not be paying your own funds for things. You will need those for yourself when you must move on with your life.
Lissy, please access a social worker who might inform you your Dad is alive or not. And please ask their guidance in some grieving support for yourself.
The POA is in charge of Dad's care now. He or she is either family or is not; you don't tell us that. But he or she is responsible to make certain that there is PEACE at Dad's bedside.
Again, I am so sorry. Your best step forward I believe is a message to POA begging to be informed if your Dad is feeling comfortable and at peace daily, just a one minute call to you. And notification when he passes. I don't know that hospice will let you in for an unaccompanied visit again. I hope so, but it sounds unlikely.
Thank you for updating us Lissy, and good luck, and again, I am so sorry for your coming loss.

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