Am I the only one who thinks that the clinical advice given to caregivers is wrong?

Glad to see this post now, because I have had months of trying to search for practical ways to deal with negative behaviors. At one point my son became aggressive and semi-violent, almost breaking furniture and artwork on the walls with his pounding. Believe me, I have seen way too many articles online that only give the same, same, same advice and do not suggest specific things to deal with the problems. And "understanding" the behavior only goes so far.

I needed specific and practical steps to take and methods to try to control my son when behavior was out of control. You just can't find that online, perhaps because of concern that sharing information some people could find unacceptable. I ended up having to use "basket hold" and "containment" to keep him from hurting us, himself or furniture. And I only knew how to do this from previous experience in teaching and in a prison. Most people would have no idea how to keep yourself safe while keeping your family member safe. Later on, I spoke with a counselor for dementia care and she assured me that is what staff would have had to do.

Now we have no problems of this sort because my son was started on a medication. And he may be past this part of a stage. But seriously, it's hard to find practical suggestions online. That's support caregivers need and only hear platitudes about. And general "nice" lists of steps that are so general as to be useless.

I am new to this site and found some help from both clinical caregivers and family caregivers comments I have read here. As the daughter in law caretaker of my 82+ yo mother in law I can say sometimes she treats me like the hired help, where I need to be told what to do. If someone new comes in (we have had aides just not come back because she is difficult. she says things like... "she's the one to watch out for she's mean. and things along those lines, I am the only one who is there for personal care when the caregiver is gone and its a major battle to shower if she has had a loose bm and its everywhere that wipes wont do it. She screams the water is too hot or too cold or she tries to hit. I try to do everything as gently and fast as possible. she says things like my husband her son is trying to hurt her. And she is always saying we are taking her things. She wants to go home. (she has lived with us pre dementia 3 years, 12 years total so far. She sometimes doesn't sleep for days. and wonders the house moving items taking things and "securing her stuff" really she is taking silverware and putting it in the dryer, or cabinets, removing eggs from the carton and putting them in socks in her drawers, we have added high locks to prevent night time travels outside the house. I sleep with the door open to my room to hear her, my husband works nights, I work days. we have privately paid for caregiver 6 hours a day while he sleeps. Her GP says meds don't work on dementia and wont prescribe. when we were given meds by a neurologist she became a bed wetting zombie that lashed out at anyone that approached the bed. I have learned over the years what changes to look for that show UTI (major personality changes) She has progressed in the disease to not talking or should I say not making sense when she speaks. She doesn't eat much but wants non stop sugar (thankfully not a diabetic) I don't know how much longer she has as the sites don't really give timelines only to say everyone is different. I just don't know how much more we can handle. And the comments about money are very accurate.. care without state insurance is 8K a month in my area, she cant afford that and neither can we.. what are we supposed to do? tips suggestions and direction to look for help would be greatly appreciated.

Oh my word so right on. I’ve been taking care of my dad since 2010. He didn’t need a lot of help initially so I thought but as his mental state started to decline it was obvious to me I needed to spend more time and attention on him. By 2016, I quit my job to help take care of him better yet he got sick anyway and then I really got to see what mental decline was!! But all of his doctors just saw and heard how well I was taking care of him and told me to keep it up. 2018 I nearly lost him to double pneumonia and kidney failure and after that his PCP told me he wouldn’t be alive without me, don’t get him into a SNF or assisted living because he will not thrive there and die. They constantly reinforce that I’m the one that’s keeping him alive and give no real thought to what sort of pressure that is, despite hearing the stress in my voice. Being kind, and positive and compassionate and patient and medically knowledgeable and everything else....who can really do that full time?
I tell my Dad’s dialysis nurse all the time, these doctors may know their field but He is my only patient and I know him across the board. I’ve bathed him, wiped his butt when he was too weak to, and all sorts of things in between. I’ve dealt with crude jokes and sexist behavior; complaints of every sort. There is No text book way of dealing with a parent. Period.
He did an ok job of being a parent in that he told me he just wanted me to be happy doing whatever made me so, but never defended me against my hypocritical, alcoholic, abusive mother and apparently loved being yelled at by her sooo much that sometimes raising my voice to him is the only way he will legitimately respond to me. I never feel ok with this, understand, but if I’ve said it 20x in a week and yelling makes it stick, it’s a sickly sacrifice I’ll take. I apologize for a raised voice every time, which is more than my mom ever did. She’d just blame the alcohol. Sorry this went a bit off topic.