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My mum is 93 - had several falls but is so independent I do all I can - I see her two three times a day and work my shifts around her - my issue is mum can be so hurtful nasty in some cases just ignoring me completely - I have left her house sometimes breaking my heart - but I go back for more- I kept away for a few days on one occasion but felt guilty - no apologies phone call but nice one minute - basically two faced the next-this has made me ill- and I don't know how to deal with it - to be honest I feel like moving hundreds of miles away - any advice please

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you have done the right thing, but be aware that your mothers mind isn't right. you shouldn't have a guilt complex,so enjoy your life.
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Loving and caring for someine with borderline personality disorder and narcissism is hard and was gone mainly at a distance. Mother looked after herself well all her life. She ate well and exercised. How she survived so long with all the stress she created is anyone's guess.

I too cut my mother off for a year once for my own survival. She sicced another narc family member on me so I retreated. It was a good year with none of those phone calls and letters. I returned the letters unopened. It slowed her down a little for a while.

I moved away with my new husband when I was young, It made life easier. Mother followed me over 30 years later, but lived 5 hours drive away. That was important for my sanity.
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Golden23 your mum was 106 - wow - obviously well cared for looked after and loved
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Once again thank you so much - some great advice midkid58 and Sunnygirl 1 - you are so right she knows I'll always come back - maybe it's time ----
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Do you absolutely HAVE to see her 3xs a day?

Can you cut that down to once, or even every OTHER day.

She's berating and hurting you b/c she KNOWS you will come back.

I've had to take breaks from my mother of up to almost a year at times. And you know what--she has never missed me, not for one minute.

This won't be doable if you are her primary CG...but sounds like with the falling, you need to find daily care for her.

You're not alone in this journey. Good Luck.
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If she's upsetting you, can you get someone else to go and check on her? Just take a break and see if that helps? Does she think you are coming to visit too often? Do her comments make sense or is her behavior out of the ordinary?

Once seniors start falling, it's usually not good news. Eventually, she's going to get really hurt. I'm no expert, but, I've noticed that with all of the seniors I have known who have mobility problems. Eventually, they suffer a fracture.

Do you know why she's been falling? Sometimes, it could be an illness, infection or stroke. I'd discuss it with her doctor.
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((((Hugs)))))) rock. There is a way out of this. If you have grown up with it, there is no getting used to it, in my experience. Mother passed in December at age 106. I am 81. She was in an NH and well cared for. I could not have had daily contact with her. The criticism still hurt too mush. I had it all my life.
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Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply - I will take your advice and check out the web sight - I actually feel a little better after reading them - God blessxx
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Hi rock - It sounds like your mum is narcissistic,especially if she has always been like this. My mother was and many here have narc parents. You might want to look up adult children of narcissistic parents on the internet, Here is one link to an article. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/adult-children-of-narcissists-face-trauma-induced-health_us_58bf7f83e4b0c3276fb77f21

Life is all about them, they feel free to comment or criticize, there are never any apologies or owning up to the damage they do. They manipulate through FOG -fear, obligation and guilt to get others to do their bidding. You have been trained from childhood to feel guilty if you don't put up with it. You will never do enough for them and do it well enough.

You need to get healthier for your own sake. Develop boundaries of what you will and will not take/do. Detach/distance yourself from your mum. Visit less often and for shorter times As soon as she gets mean, leave.

As a daughter it is your responsibility (in most cases) to see that your mum has care but not necessarily for you to give that care. Being that close to her is damaging for you and you need to look after yourself. Looks like it is time for some change.

If this attitude has developed recently then likely your mum has dementia and needs an assessment, diagnosis, and treatment.

When the point comes that it is too hard of the caregiver, the senior needs to be placed in a facility, or, if they can afford it, hire in home care

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Please take steps to protect yourself from this stress. The guilt is not true guilt as you are doing nothing wrong, but false guilt instilled in you by your mother for not doing everything she wants. It is manipulative.

.
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I too have a 93 year old mother. It’s hard. She has lived with me since 2005.

Falls are serious. They scare me terribly and are terrifiying to mom.

That’s interesting that she is so independent at 93! My mom started out that way and I respected it, did the same as you, checking on her constantly, taking her to doctors and doing her errands for her, and so forth.

Hurricane Katrina destroyed her house and she decided to move in with us. She criticizes just like your mom. It hurts. We get used to it. I’m currently investigating assisted living. Maybe you could explore other living arrangements for your mom too. Let us know how it goes. Good luck.
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