Always questioning my motives.

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I care for my Mom who is 95 and quite with it. However, she will ask a question of me and then always question my response. I have nothing but her best interest for her and her well being. It is constant behavior with her. I get so short tempered with this behavior. I was caregiver for my father, my sister and now my mother. I am overwhelmed as she is tough. A lot of things going on in my life also. I must sell my home as husband is losing job. We are retiring and will be about 1.5 hrs away. If I tell her I am accused of "abandoning the family" we have had this discussion before. Her coming with me is out of the question. She will have nothing to do with moving. I try not to feel guilty but she doesn't make it easy. My sister is gone and it is just me. She does have a caregiver for during the week for days. She is by herself with Lifeline at night. We had a choking incident yesterday and forbid me to call ambulance as she wasn't going to the hospital. It is very trying. thanks for listening.

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APS is the county Adult Protective Services. Since you do not live with her, it is not abandonment. When you move, at least have the number of next door neighbors and make sure 911 has your contact info.
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What is APS and we don't live together.
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I would call APS before you move if you have been living together. My older brother gave me a concussion last year, but even though he was still here, I had to come back because the law considers it desertion. Obviously that is not what you are doing, but I've got a CYA attitude about everything now.
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She is abandoning your needs to satisfy her own selfishness. So tell her you will not cater to her when you have to move. Oh, she will call you and tell you she is near death. Tell her to call 911. Tell her she made her choice. Tell her to move to an ALF if she wants company. Do not allow her to manipulate you with Fear, Obligation, or Guilt. Our elder benefits resource counselor told us you have to pull back to force them to accept reality. He was right on target.
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(((((hugs)))) You are doing the right things. Your own family must come first and also your sanity/peace of mind. Your other is cared for.Try to detach emotionally from your mother and accept that she is as she is, but that does not reflect who you are. To get their own way, some people use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate others.(FOG). It sounds like your mother is doing this. Your situation does sound very trying on several levels. Do look after you in all this and get some time for yourself, and some times of relaxation and enjoyment. Do something good for you today. You have been and are carrying a heavy load. ((((((((((hugs))))))))
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thank you for your kindness, just need to hear this.
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Since you have cared for your father, your sister, and now your mom I would hardly consider you as someone who would abandon your family. If your mom refuses to move with you I wonder what her solution is? You have to do what's best for you and your husband.

I understand how frustrating it is but maybe a little distance between you and your mom will be a good thing. You'll only be 90 minutes away which is a great buffer zone. Too far away to feel obligated to stop in on a regular basis but not too far away that you can't get there quickly if you need to.

And your mom might just feel nervous about you moving away. As difficult as she is she may have grown very dependent upon you. But she has caregivers and Lifeline and you can be there in 90 minutes if you have to be. You have to keep moving forward but don't expect her to understand or even care. Your place is with your husband. Mom just may not like coming in 2nd.
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