after being through years of this abuse, I think before things get really ugly, it would be a better person that leaves this situation then stays and perpetuates the misery....
For years I have been the thorn in my mothers side...she has not cared for me from the time I can remember back to, about 5 yrs old...She held against me the relationship I had with my father and shoved accusations at me from a very early age, before I even know what that all meant...she always played down my achievements, talked badly to my children and relatives about me and always treated my cheating husband with love and respect (I believe she liked seeing someone else take shots at me). But time passes and although never having a solid relationship it was apparent none of my other 5 siblings felt the need to be there for her when she started getting ill, approx. 2 1/2 yrs ago. I guess I felt like someone needed to help her and alittle ironic that the only one that would even entertain the thought would be the one she treated so terribly. But wanting to 'break the cycle' and knowing at one point or another I'm going to have to rely on what my children saw me do as her child, I thought I should do the right thing and stay close, see that she got better, ate healthy, kept clean, etc....it became me and only me that showed up and tried to help out. At first I attributed her insults to the illness and feelings of her freedom being taken from her, but then I realized that it was continuous and only got worse. Not only was I supposed to be helping her, I should be appreciative that she would 'allow' me to be the one that was helping her.....I know, I know, but yes its all true. Little by little, the days got longer and my desire to hold my tongue got shorter...She was not only getting better but it was probably due to what I 'wasn't' doing and of course, my husband could do no wrong eventhough he never really helped her medically, but he sure makes the yard look great.... After working a year and a half at my own expense and traveling (I live 60 mi away) also at my own expense, I applied and got caregiver pay but I could see the only one she was really happy to see was the hubby. I became incidental (again) and nothing I did was good enough, said the right way or you name it. She has gotten way better and returned to approx 85% or more of where she was initially, I would like to think because I was there helping, cooking, cleaning, doing her finances and keeping her books and keeping a positive attitude even when she wasn't doing as well, which isn't too often these days.. When I originally started with her, she was in hospital ER atleast one a week for breathing probs that even the EMT's were to the point of not wanting to answer the 911 call. She had anxiety attacks and depression, but we are now to the point where she hasn't been admitted into the hospital in more then 8 mos and lungs not filling in atleast 6 mos....Still I haven't earned my keep. Many times, instead of going home, I would stay 5 or 6 days and be there with her 24/7 yet only get paid for 3 hrs daily, additionally leaving my own household responsibilities behind, but still I just couldn't do what was expected...I finally had enough when I caught her and my now ex-husband having nice little chats about me while I'm working my a-- off. That was it, I could no longer bite my tongue or over-look the obvious. I packed all my things and left and have no intention of returning. At this point, all I want to find out is how to become her ex-caregiver formally and move along to try and rebuild my own life I haven't seen in years now. After this experience, I would tell whoever will listen that if in fact you have a situation even remotely like mine, don't let guilt or any other excuse you can come up with lead you to take care of someone that has never had your best interests at heart. They will only see you as someone that's trying to 'win them over' or trying to 'make yourself look great" to others. In her opinion, I was never there to help her get better, only to push her into having to relive the most horrible years of her life that "I knew made her upset"....God forgive me, but there has to be a special place for people who's only endeavor in life is to get it their way at any cost, and I do mean ANY!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm very sorry to hear about everything you went through. I know its tough. We all try to do our best. You deserve nothing but validation and acknowledgement and lover for all that you tried to do. But love has to be a two way street.
Glad you stood up for yourself and are taking the steps to rebuild your life. Your happiness has to be a priority. For myself, I wish I had considered therapy or a support group earlier. I was a desperate pleaser my whole life and sometimes even when faced with disrespect, I fell back into my old routines. It was a mistake. I needed to learn to look out for number one sometimes.
Take care of yourself. Wishing you the best.
People who were abused as children should never provide hands-on caregiving for the abuser. It is not good for your mental health. (As you can attest!) Thanks for sharing your experience, as a warning to others.
How do you move on formally? Tell the agency that has been paying you. Your mother is probably eligible now for 3 hours a day paid in-home care, but that is her worry, not yours.
You might also want to notify her doctor. It sounds like she can manage on her own, and make the contacts she needs to arrange other care. You're done.