Alcohol and the caregiver. Any advice?

@ burntcaregiver

Thank you so much for your kind emotional supportive words in my addiction.
Also thank you for your words of congratulations of success in the journey from 3liters of jack Daniels a week to 1pint of jack Daniels a week.
You knew everything about me and I could not have done it without you!

Me too Margaret. That late afternoon pre dinner time when the birds start signaling it's time to wind down for evening. My bird brain chirps for a nice glass of wine.
Sundowning time!! Ha ha 😄

I've swapped things to an alcohol removed wine in a nice glass.

Yeah I miss it. But I have gained much better sleep.
Less buzz but better Zzzz.

I’ve had a bad drinking habit of downing red wine very quickly at early evening, then stopping with dinner. It sends me to sleep quickly after dinner, but keeps me awake in the night. I don’t feel yuck in the morning, but don’t feel great either. It also gives me diarhoea.

DH has just got into home brewing, and I am doing better with low-alcohol stout. I can down it very quickly before dinner, without imbibing so much alcohol. It’s a good step.

It’s good to hear some non-judgemental honest anonymous posts about how we all cope.

Hi, Gena. What a warm, kind and helpful comment! 😊

For some reason the admins added “any advice?” to the title of my post. Not sure why, as I posted this just as a topic for general discussion, and posted it in Discussions rather than in Questions. Oh well! 😉

I thought the subject might spark interesting comments and I was right! Problematic alcohol use has been top of mind for me lately. Apparently alcohol consumption really increased in the wake of Covid/lockdown and the NYT has had recent articles about that, increased use by moms and women generally, more deaths attributed to alcohol among the young, etc. The advertising for alcohol seems more brazen these days, targeting women and glamorizing solo, “YOLO”-type drinking. And I’ve been seeing TV ads for some service apparently legal in California now since Covid that will just straight up bring you drinks and alcohol to your very door within half an hour or so. . . Yikes.

I’m just so glad I am not drinking anymore. Especially now that my caregiving for my dad is requiring more late nights or multiple middle-of-the-nights. That’s brutal with alcohol. 😕

Probably many.

I am perplexed by your question since it doesn't provide us any specific information.

Are you speaking about yourself since you ask "anyone else" ?
If this is you, what are your specific concerns / questions?
Do you feel / sense this is a red flag for you?
And, if so, what do you want to do about it? What are you doing about the alcohol?

How do you know?
How long has this been going on?
What is the relationship of the care provider and the person they are caring for?
Who are they caring for?
Who are you?
What are the jobs this caregiver is assigned to do?
Is this a family member?

Family members are not equipped to manage required care.

And perhaps especially family members who are so stressed out, unfamiliar with how to cope with parental care, (triggered do to personal history) and when it includes dementia, which is learning a new language without any learning curve.

Caregiving is NOT easy. If the person is ... predisposed to numbing out / dealing with stress by drinking, this could be how a person 'tries' to manage their stressors and responsibilities, which can be overwhelming.
They (you) are tossed into a situation without any skills to manage; in addition, many people do not know how to set boundaries AND are dealing with triggers of the relationship - perhaps over decades.

However, is this a paid employee, independent or through an agency, of course you need to end his/her employment immediately.

If this is you and this is your SOS, get help. Start with calling AA - if you feel the drinking consumption is out of control - or could lead this this. EQUALLY important, the quality of care provided to the elder / the recipient of the caregiver MUST be well cared for and safe.

Gena Galenski
Touch Matters

While I was away from home for 2 months this summer caregiving my 2 elderly Aunts, I couldn't wait for their bedtime so I could have my own "wind down" cocktail hour which consists of 1 very filthy vodka martini after 10pm while watching tv or streaming, doing my Wordle or reading the "news" in the dailymailonline.com.

When it comes to booze, the Lord chose to make me a dozer or puker, so by default I really can't do more than 1 cocktail a night without a dire aftermath.

People develop addictive behaviors for ALL sorts of reasons; trauma is definitely one of them. Unhappy people often turn to booze or cigarettes or other addictive substances (sweets too) to help calm them down. Nobody can say 'why' a person is an addict, or even if they are an addict!

When I was unhappily married is when I definitely started drinking WAY too much and decided to get sober b/c I wanted to; if I was happy in that marriage and/or fulfilled, I would definitely not have been looking to numb myself out with booze, that much is certain.

There were many MANY times when I was stressed out to the MAX dealing with my parents in AL/MC that I desperately wanted to have a drink but 15 years of sobriety prevented me from taking one, knowing what it feels like to fall off the wagon, too, which happened once after staying sober for 9 years, and then it took me 7 years to get sober once again. It only took me ONE time to fall off the wagon to know I did not want to have it happen again. Although it's never over until I'm dead & buried & can happen again if I get cocky or say "Oh I've GOT this." No addict has EVER 'got this'.

I have no issue admitting this, there is no shame in such a thing imo, although some people DO like to shame us. We all have issues to deal with in life and deal with them differently, I think. I remember the first time I had a drink I was 13 years old, it was beer at a block party and I could not stop drinking it. My poor father had to carry me home, I was dead drunk! For many people, the old saying of 'one's too many & a million is not enough' is very true. For me, I equate not being able to tolerate booze with my intolerance of sugar......I don't eat IT either b/c I can't stop once I start. I could easily eat a whole bag of cookies or an entire 1/2 gallon of ice cream! So I don't get started. Same thing with wine. There are lots of alcoholics in AA meetings that say the same thing, and wind up gaining a lot of weight when they get sober from turning to SUGARY foods to make up for the lack of alcohol in their bodies.

If anybody is having a problem stopping drinking, try staying away from ALL sugar (including booze) for 1 week. See if you stop craving liquor, which often happens. Once the craving goes away, it's SO much easier to stop drinking altogether and permanently.

Snoopy, I remember MANY nights of poor sleep and waking up dying of thirst and feeling horrible. That was one of the worst things about drinking, for me. And once I stopped, I started sleeping like a baby, thank God.

An early, brief, awful marriage to a raging alcoholic rather turned me off to drinking many years ago. That’s just for me, I’m not bothered by those who imbibe. My caregiving coping issue was food, I weigh over 20 less pounds now that it’s over with my parents. My son (adult with complex health and brain injury) is still a daily combination of joy and challenge, but I’m more aware of aging and doing better in not eating my emotions. And I do believe in what we call the Christian cocktail of NyQuil 🤗

@Tagtae

You have the disease of addiction. Caregiving is not why. Cutting down to one pint of J.D. a week and taking up smoking won't get you right with the drinking or with yourself. That's addiction substituting. You're adding the cigarettes to make up for the reduced intake of hooch. A person who was taking out three liters of whiskey a week is an alcoholic. That's a lot of booze. That's not a person who gets lit up a bit once in a while. There is no alcohol "balance" here. You're on a booze diet. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. He used to go on booze diets all the time. He'd find the "balance" too by carefully rationing his liquor intake like you do. Until like all dieters, he'd fall off the wagon and fall off with a vengeance. He'd drink himself into a blackout and twice drank himself into an alcoholic coma. He ended up dying of liver failure before he was 40 years old. There's a reason why diets (calorie restricting, alcohol, drug) don't work. It's because dieters don't actually make any life changes. They don't correct the behaviors that cause them to over eat, drink, or use. Alcoholics can quit drinking and become dry drunks too. These are alcoholics who quit booze, but don't quit the behaviors of an alcoholic.
Please for your sake find a recovery program or try AA. Do it for you. Not for your husband, or family, or anyone else but for you.
Good luck and I wish you recovery.

I was up to 3 liter of jack daniels a week. I decided that was too much. About 6 months later I am down to a pint a week. I know I will never stop drinking but I realize for me drinking should be a treat not a pig out every night. Drinking can be a gift or a curse the trick is to find the balance. So I took up cigarettes.
Im the caregiver. Hubby is the disable person from a stroke and he get a Budweiser a night. Sometimes he can get two out of me but that’s rare.

I had a couple today, sibling 4 asked for a vegan meatloaf and I do not know how to make a regular meatloaf much less a vegan one. I had two drinks and decided oatmeal added to beef = vegan.

@Fawnby

I must disagree, my friend. I find that I function better if I tear one off once in a while. In other words get good and lit up. Not so lit up that one gets sloppy. There's no excuse to be a middle-aged sloppy drunk.

@SnoopyLove
What you described is drinking too much. We've all been there. I'm 50 years old not and can't bounce back so fast anymore.
In my 20's and 30's I could stay out all night drinking in the club then pop a breath mint and work a full shift. Not at my age now.

Absolutely not. There's no safe amount of alcohol. Try yoga and meditation or learn deep breathing exercises. We need to stay on the path of wellness, not head down a road that could ultimately lead to addiction. Our loved ones need us to be the best we can be. That means clear heads, healthy bodies and kind hearts.

((Hugs)), MILHell! Good for you for cutting down! 😊

Snoopylove, my doctor suggested we drink kombucha. My husband only likes a specific brand. The store had them buy 1 get 2 free. I ended up stockpiling it. When we bought the house, there was a refridgerator from the 1960s that is in the garage. That is where the kombucha is stored. It is amazing how the older appliances hold up.

I drank a few rum and cokes a night when MIL was in the house. I cut back but am having a hard time completely stopping.

My daily down time is a glass of beer while chatting with my husband on the phone. I've been walking each day and am up to 4 miles a day. I have no idea how much weight I've lost - but my cancer clinic pants won't stay up anymore. When I went to buy new "chemo day" pants, my first thought, as I worked my way down the sizes, was that there was some serious vanity sizing going on.

BurntCaregiver, I love that Ben F. quote! That guy. . .

To me, drinking "too much" was waking up feeling vaguely poisoned instead of rested and refreshed, or waking up at 4AM or so frankly ill. Alcohol definitely was affecting the quality of my sleep, and there are interesting reports of people who wear sleep-tracking devices finding that on nights that they've had alcohol, their sleep is shot all to heck according to the data. Suppression of REM sleep is the problem, I gather.

Beatty and BarbBrooklyn, yes, I love non-alcohol substitutes and it's ridiculous how easily they replace regular wine. Really, kombucha or flavored or even plain mineral water and I'm good. The wine wasn't worth it.

Health in general: when I stopped drinking 4 pounds or so fell off immediately, and I have a small frame and was already slim. Had to shop for new belts to keep my pants up! Blood sugar felt more stable, fewer wild swings up and down. Less low-level anxiety that I would then have to self-medicate with alcohol, which would create more anxiety, etc. . .

Timely thread.

A few months back, my BP, always rock solid normal started going haywire. Doc put me on a med that doesn't play well with alcohol.

I stopped drinking altogether. In retrospect, it seems to me that I was leaning on drinks to calm me down/zone me out during the last years of mom's life. The habit continued until now.

I feel much more energized and more present. I've lost 25 pounds. And for me, like Beatty, a non-alcoholic version of what I was drinking seems to serve the same purpose.

I get that 'time to relax' glass!

I have been experimenting this year & found that a glass of alcohol removed wine has nearly the same emotional effect. It's still the joy of a pause, a sit-down, being mindful, smelling & taste.

Ok the taste is not as good.. & zero buzz.. but also no regrets, no dry mouth & less silly snacking.

It's a good trade off for now.

Define 'too much'.

Myself personally, I like to live by the words of Benjamin Franklin one of the Founding Fathers of the United States and a brilliant philosopher.

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy'.

No doubt he must have done time caregiving for an elderly person.
:)

I'm past caregiving but yeah, a nice glass or more of rye and coke was often what kept the top of my head from blowing off. Just be mindful and don't go overboard.

The TL;DR for me is yes, caregiving exacerbated my already worrying "wine appreciation problem". For me, having a glass (or a few more? So hard to keep track!) of wine in the evening gave me a temporary glow of relaxation, fun, pleasure in the midst of the daily stresses and ongoing tedium of caregiving. I appreciated that buzz and burst of energy so much. I thought of it as the "caregiver's vacation".

However, things came to a head a couple of years ago and thankfully I no longer drink alcohol nor even want to. (The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Allen Carr and This Naked Mind by Annie Grace were both very helpful.)

Anyone else?