It has been very close to 6 months of momma being on hospice. I have Been home with her 24/7 since July 30-2020. Meds are steadily increased. Haldol being used. Oxygen dropping in 80’s even with her oxygen on. BP all over the place as well as her heart rate. She is still alert (sometimes) most of the time she’s not- mumbling things or reaching out and picking at things not there. She thinks I am giving her things she shouldn’t have (her pain meds) refuses them for a while. Trouble swallowing. Cusses at me out loud. (She normally won’t cuss). She’s not eating food but will beg for candy. Candy that’s chewy is her fav. I do Give her bites (small) nurse said let her have if we can get her to swallow. If I leave Her room to go to bathroom which is only like 6 steps, if she is somewhat alert and sees the candy in a bag- last night she crammed many pieces in her mouth. When I got Back to her room (only gone maybe 1 min) she was chewing. I asked Her to please let me get the candy out of her mouth. There were 4 pieces of orange slice candies. Finally got them out pinched one up in small bites to let to taste them. She was upset with me. I wasn’t going to deny her it was only trying to keep her from choking. When she does try to chew she falls asleep. Finally got the candy took as she’s drifting off to sleep again. Just says things hurtful I know She doesn’t mean but it hurts my heart. Nurse has been in and out checking on her. Just says she’s fighting hard and holding on but could slip away any day. Nurse has become like family she’s Been great. I lost My daddy to cancer in 2016 to cancer as well. Momma was diagnosed June 2020 and has give this cancer a hard fight.
My brothers help when they can as much as they can but it’s still pretty much all on me as momma lives with me. Momma will listen to my middle brother better when she gets like this more than me so he was here last night trying to settle her down and get her to stay in the bed and not try to get out of bed. Momma can still walk (only with help from us holding her and helping). But no more than 5 min when he left she told me get her up and help her to the patio. Screaming saying take me. Momma has been a smoker for over 60 years. I get Her out here but she can’t even hold the cigarette. Finally got her back in bed and she just fell asleep within seconds. Moaned all night. Clintching her hands together at the covers now sleep with her. Been sleeping with her for three weeks now. By now it was 12:30 am. At 3 am I administered Some liquid pain meds to her she was groaning “ohhhhh”. She has had a BAD rattle now for 3 days. I know That is probably what they call the death rattle.
I feel like I have Rambled and not made a bit of sense. I’m exhausted. Cried till no more tears left. Praying multiple times a day. I’ve talked to her while sleeping and told her I’ll be ok that I’ll miss her like crazy but I’ll be ok. Told her I’ll always tell my granddaughter (3) stories of her (she loves her great grand). Told her she’s been the best momma. Told her when she’s ready to go home with Jesus and see daddy it’s ok. Told her how much I love her. Again, she’s sleeping when I tell Her these things but I feel like she’s more worried about me than my brothers. I’m 54 and I’m still my mommas baby. Always will be.
I just needed to talk to someone who reads this I guess. And for those who do please just pray for peace and comfort and strength if you’re a praying person.
Thank you all for listening