Afraid of what's to come...

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Only female in family caring for dad. Brothers who've ignored requests to help out with dad (and mom before that) until 1.5 weeks ago, and now want my reasoning for making decisions over the past year, and are not so subtly accusing me of withholding information. The truth is, I gave up! No one responded to several of my attempts to communicate. The final straw was when I sat alone through dad's surgery that took place 1 mile from their homes. Before that, my kids and I spent Thanksgiving and Easter in the hospital with my dad - of course, we wouldn't have it any other way!! We love him and would never leave him there alone on a holiday. I don't regret that at all but it's just a little hard to take when siblings had the audacity to ask me to bring my Thanksgiving dish over to their house (from hospital) because they didn't have time to run over to get it (again, 1 mile away).

After brother (#1) accused me of withholding info about dad in a sibling group text, I copied and retexted (to the same group) a message from previous week where I had explained dad's failing condition to brother #1. This is hard to explain in writing - I hope it makes sense. He evidently thought I was trying to 'get' him by retexting the message. I honestly wasn't. I just don't have time or energy to defend myself and revisit the same conversation multiple times. I think I'm on the brink of being completely exhausted.

There's an inheritance involved - I don't know if that's a factor, but one brother recently married a financial planner who appears to be guiding their sudden interest. She's making suggestions that I've been making for years, and brothers shower her with praise. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Why is this happening?? I'm a nice, intelligent person, yet they ridicule much of what I say, and shower sisters in law with positive attention, all of whom are manipulative and unkind. I feel so ignored and disrespected. I work 2 jobs full time, am a single mom - youngest is almost grown... and am asking myself how did I let this happen? I feel pathetic. It doesn't matter what I do, the family overlooks it, to the point that they gave new sis in law (girlfriend at the time) my beloved grandmother's china and silver. I'm the only blood related female in the family. This really hurts. I'm in my early 50's and feel I'll never have what I mistakenly thought I had - a family!!!

In order to prevent what is surely going to be utter chaos once my dad passes (providing I outlive him), I've agreed to have xmas party at my house. I don't have fond feelings for these people right now, however, my thinking is that this is a pre emptive peace keeping move. Part of me feels disingenuous. But this is the hand I've been dealt. My dad has asked me, and only me, to handle everything - his care, and his estate, for him. I want to do a good job for my dad, and for everyone to respect me, and be kind!!! I feel very alone right now.

Can someone offer an alternative way to view this? Perhaps I'm just so worn out that this isn't as bad as it feels? Maybe after several days of sleep I'd feel better about it all?


I hope you have dads wishes in writing.
I hope you have his POA in writing..signed and notarized....ditto the will naming you executrix.

It sounds to me like brothers are building up a head of steam to cause trouble...I hope you have it all signed and sealed.
So sorry. I am lucky. My brothers pretty much go along with me. I guess you are POA and MPOA. As long as you are, they can't do anything. This post will bump you up. Believe me, there r people here who are able to sympathize.
Signed, but not notarized. I'll ask the attorney about that. Thanks.
If you father has asked only you, make sure only you have the medical and financial poa. Continue to communication via emails that you can save and print. Keep good records. I also am only female....depends on your family traditions....mine are old school where the ladies are the servants. It sounds to me that they take you for granted. So, in my opinion the choice is hard, either continue on the way you are and not expect much in the "thank you" department.......or give up your control and let them totally steamroll you. You sound like a good sport.....I think you should hold your head up, host a nice Christmas and let any whining or judgement roll off your back as you forge ahead!!!
Good advice, thank you. Can I add a few more things that really tick me off? The very few times they've seen him over the past year, according to my children, they've posted pictures all over facebook that makes it appear as though they're significantly invested in our dad's care and well-being. I have facebook but rarely look at it, and refuse to use it that way. This makes me feel like I'm 5 years old, but they even had a family bday party during my bday month, and didn't invite me (that was one of the days they invited him). Then posted pics online. How can I accept this and not feel anxious every time I think of it?
SuzeeQ, forgot to say, since you are having to report to a financial planner....Make sure you get that POA notarized ASAP and have the original locked away in a safe place. Banks will try to talk you out of the original document, do not let them have it.

I also have been the chore boy that made sure all is taken care of constantly...I feel your frustration....then the others show up for a couple of hours once a year, bring a birthday cupcake and then post 42 facebook photos........

I think it is guilt and trying to validate themselves as part of the family....too bad they cant be more supportive!!!
Find your family in friends SuzeeQ; the one you have, except your dad, sounds pretty toxic.... I should know.
I so hear you, suzeeQ. I see much of my experience in what you're describing. I'm Mom's POA/HCPOA and I left my home empty in another state to be Mom's live-in caregiver. For the first time in years I'm surrounded by family and I've never been more alone.

Yes, get those POA notarized, copy them, even scan in an electronic set. I've learned to keep stellar records including all receipts. I keep written notes of thoughts in case I have to remember them for another questioning. I'm prepared to show it all to my siblings at a moment's notice--which has happened when they were livid at a financial decision and other important decisions I made (decisions I'm adamant were the right things to do).

I force myself to push back of criticism even though I'm exhausted and mentally fried. I keep them informed of anything involving Mom. I've learned to protect myself by depending only on myself. I expect little moral support. I tell them nothing of my personal life (which I have a lot going on) since I know they won't be interested or concerned. I draw strength from being my own advocate. I ask them almost nothing about themselves. I try hard (but fail) at not being hurt when they talk about Mom or family activities but don't even include me in their discussions even though I'm in the room.

I can't imagine how their posting "how awesome children we are!" on Facebook is infuriating. I'm sorry you're being so put down when you're doing so much. This forum has been such a help to me and I hope your venting and resulting support helps you too.

Edited to add: mally1's post above reminded me of my mantra "Nothing says family like the family you choose". A friend from the decades ago emailed today with a long message of support. Yeah, as mally 1 wrote, "find family in friends."
Thanks everyone. I keep praying for wisdom, but I think I'm going to stop. I've had enough wisdom inspiring experiences to last me awhile. It's so surprising to me how illness and death shine the light on people's characters. Prior to these experiences, I would've done anything for my family of origin, truly anything. Now, I'll say a prayer for them, and carry on with my own life. Focus on my kids, dad, friends, and myself. Thanks for listening.

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