Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Judy -my computer acted up again- You deserve to take it easy for a while and you know how important you are to this site. My husband is getting weaker and needs more help now but I have deciced that I will try to care for him at home as long as it is possible with help I had to cut it down to twice a week, he is being nicer to me since my fall maybe it was a wake up call for him-hope your thanksgiving is ok- we are going to our sons home his daughter will not be able to get home from college for thanksgiving but will be home in a few weeks.Take care

Judy
I am sure how you feel is normal after being so busy for so many years,and it is good that your Mom is still doing things for herself. I myself voleenter at our senior center on Thur to sew cancer pads for a well known end of life hospital - we have a great time most of the women are widows but a few of us have husbands, I also have some shelves at our library to keep neat and in order I also joined a book discussion group they have picked out some outstanding books to read, I also crochet laps robes for nursing home pt. and baby blankets for a pregancy crisis group. I think if my situation changed and the husband had to go into a N.H. I would try to find families who are dealing with caregiving and try to make their life easier so they would not have to be so stressed out as the dear people on this site

Hi girls, I have been feeling lowly about myself and I don't know what to do. I feel like there is nothing for me to do anymore. I feel everyone is doing things for themselves and they don't need me anymore. I feel as if I am a helpless baby. I am in the need of being responsible for something but what? My mother isn't cooperative like my dad was so I don't and must not take over the tasks that she can still do.
I need to find another outlet. But I don't want to be tied down with a business. I was tied down enough for the last 6 years. I have ideas but making them work is another story. It helps just reading what i type. I know I will hear from my friends, Judy

Thanks Cindi. I did get a break for about 6 days but because I was sick. Tania, my oldest, took her home. By the time I went to get her, she ran out the door with no jacket, one sock on and one sock off. She was ready to come home and told me not to send her anywhere anymore. OK.

I am sorry that u are having problems with your sister. The good thing is that u know it is because of her personality disorder. Hope things work out okay. With Thanksgiving just around the corner, it is hard on most of us. There are so many things to do but we have to find something to be grateful for. I am grateful for u guys and the rest of my friends and that I still have my family as crazy as everything is. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving. I already told my family that we are going to eat early so I can sit down and watch Cowboys play. Hope they win since Romo is back.

Luv u all, Ply

Dear Girls,
Haven't been here in awhile. Ply, I feel for you. Things are definitely getting worse. Sounds like you have a handle of things. However, maybe you need more breaks away from your mom. I feel the same as you, I don't want to live like that.

Donna, sounds like you hurt yourself? And, your mother is taking care of you?! That sounds so different. But, I'm glad get better soon.

To the rest of you lady friends, I hope you are all doing okay. Thanksgiving is coming so lots of prep to do for all of us I'm sure.

Latest on me, sister and family not talking. Sister had decided she doesn't need the family right now. I helped her and her treatment of us (due to her personality disorder) is not right. She is seeing her counselor so she is being given support. Too much to tell. Wish you all a Happy Thankgiving. I am grateful to have you all to talk to and vent to and share with. I am thankful that I have my parents with me and that I can take care of them still.

Take care of yourselves
Hugs
Cindi

Ok guys. Now it is my turn to vent! I knew that my mom's dementia would get worse
but I didn't think this fast! I have to watch what she is doing and sometimes I just let her be. But there are some things that are driving me crazy! She wastes too much of everything. I don't let her wash dishes anymore cause the bottle wouldn't last a week. I am constantly buying TP and PT and Kleenex cause she goes thru them like crazy. I find them in her drawers, all clean, not used. She says the kleenex are being taken by somebody else. No one goes into her room if she is not in there. She likes popcicles so I buy her 4 to 5 bags every 2 weeks. I haven't bought her any lately cause she finishes them in less than a week. Each bag has 18 count. I hate to tell her not to eat so many cause I still want her to feel like an adult but it is getting to that point where she is no longer one. She is a kid again. Now I am the mother and a mean one, according to her. Every single day I pray to God to give me more patience cause I hate this. I hate not having my mother anymore! God, I hope I die before anything like this happens to me.

shadyldy131, hi i'm sandy.. who do you take care, of? me my crazy mother-in-law, any advice, she is wheelchair bound I am her only care giver, and she won't stop following me ,, everywhere.. i can not use the phone without her listening, my son is treated very mean by her when he comes to visit, which i find is not so much lately.i do nothing right and lately i just want to stay in bed pull the covers up and never get out.. whats your days like..?

No you are not invisible you are a charter member of this group of angels who put up with more thab a body should have to endure.

No, you are not invisible Donna. I think about you all the time especially when I am hurting. Thank you for all the emails you send me, I enjoy each and every one of them. Some are so funny that I burst out laughing and wishing you were close by so I could comment on why I laughed. Keep sending them dear friend and keep writing at this site, you will never be invisible.

Luv, Ply

Sorry Donna, I wan't ignoring you honey, ...How's your back? It's so sweet of your mom to try so hard to help you. I guess no matter how old we get or how old they get, we are still their baby and they want to take care of us. I feel that way towards my daughter when she is home. I just want to take care of her even though she's 27 and married and in the Navy. A mom is a mom forever. Mine drives me nuts but at the end of the day, she's there for me if I need her. Sometimes I hate myself for hating her. I wish I knew the secret to not letting her get to me. Donna, I always admire how you are so tolorant of your mom. She's lucky to have you. What is your secret for being so tolorant of her?
Love,
Sha

am i invisible on this site? no one seems to see me anymore. bye

Austin, thank you. I was raised as a catholic but haven't practiced my religion for a long time. I do believe in God and know that he has been here for me in many ways. He has shown many times that he is with me and my family. I believe that when u die, your soul goes where ever it needs to go, and I believe hell is here. I don't want to come back in any shape or form so I hope that when I die, i stay where ever I go. Anyway, hope every one had a good day and a better one tomorrow. Ply

thanks shay how come the dr said he has dementia really bad yet he can still do alot of things like dress him self although he will say hes cold yet be in a short sleeved shirt ? we tell him to put on a sweater i quess thats the dementia, he 100 percent refuses to take a bath he washes up in the sink not that does much good he hasnt had a bath in 3 years yes i said 3 years, short of taking him out side with the hose he put on this super stinky powder . what is it with old people and powder taweed or some thing GROSS is what he uses every sunday morning for church it make me sick. but what can i do nobody can make him take a shower. he called a plumber today we didnt even know there was a problem he thought he was calling the plumber my nephew works for it wasnt it was close though. the plumber was a little confused when he told him he would pay roger(nephew) but i explained the situtation to him. i quess my dad wrote him a check. i think just like we take away the car keys we should take away the phone too. we get that alot at work old people calling in the meds yet they have on idea what there on or if its time to get them ? even worse when they come to the drive thrue OH MY GOD WHY THEY LET THEM DRIVE IS BEOND ME. I hope when im old i will give up driving gracefully im going to start a journal to remind my self of all the things i wont do when i get old just in case i forget this hell im living in. maybe we should write a book Every thing i never want to become i learned as a care giver. number 1 old. number 2 a bad driver, number 3 a bad driver who refuses to give up driving when told im a bad driver.number 4 you fill in the blank hahaha we shold be able to get to 50 what do you think? maybe we could make enough money to run away and get new identaties. how about it shay ply donna austin greek girl and all the new people ohh just thought of a possible new number 2 unable to wipe my own bottom. I could go on all night better just go to bed tomorrow is a nother day . hope you had a good day and an even better tomorrow. hugs to all miak

Plychate
If you believe in JESUS CHRIST you will have salvation ans get into heaven first as a spirt without our bodies and whwn Jesus returns he has promised to resurect our bodies but will get new bodies to be with our spirits in heaven and we will be in glory with God-that is what our church teaches us. Heaven has many mansions and I hope there is one for all us caregivers.

We're here Mia, not to worry. We won't go away, each other is all we have.
Mia, my Dad had dementia. It's a very sad thing to see them slipping away. You are lucky though, my Dad was total care. In the beginning, he would get confused as to what direction he was going when he was driving so my Mother began doing the driving and he was OK for quite a while, then he started falling. My mother had to start washing and dressing him but he could still feed himself and go to the bathroom. Then he began to fall more and we could not care for him at home because he was quickly losing the ability to walk. He was hospitalized and from there went into a nursing home and was no longer feeding himself. Everything had to be done for him. Your Dad is still quite good. Be thankful for every little bit he can do, you don't know how long it will last. My Dad started showing signs of decline when he was around 80. By the time he was 84, he was in a nursing home. We lost him last month at 87. It's a slow process and so heartbreaking to watch. I feel for you Honey. Good luck, God bless. Let me know if there is anything else I can tell you.
Love,
Sha

oh my GOSH my old friends where have you been i was so happy to see all your names ply, decora and bitter and austin i was thinking i was lost on this sight and i couldnt find you i have missed all of you yes it was hard on my husband i think it was just the fact that his friend had the same problems as the rest uf us just a little bigger in some ways, kinda makes you think could i end up that way too. dads dementia has gotten worse. could any one whos delt with this please explain this to me have found what the stages are but not all apply he has all the signs and just bordering on the last stage . but he can still make food for him self , some times he seems so normal for being 17 on the demintia test. at what point will this get really bad he is confused about time about 2 or maybe 3 times a week thinks it morning when its really 10 at night. not sure why he pees on the porch and not the bathroom ? sister wont give him the script dr gave me to give him , no call after the dr appointment sis had with dr . tough to be kept in the dark seeing as how im the one who has to live with him. thank for the kind words. mia k

LOL Austin, you won't miss anything! I too talk to people that are no longer here. It makes me feel better. They come to visit me in my dreams and that is fine with me. I just don't want to see them as ghosts cause then I would probably croak! Just like I am always talking to God, I talk to them too. I know that when my time comes, they will be there waiting to welcome me. That is, if I go to heaven, cause you never know. There might be a turn for me somewhere, since I am no angel, lol. Take care.
Love, Maria

Plychata
We lost a church member 2 yrs ago and we built a simple stone bench and I often just sit on it and talk to her as I did while she was with us, and another friend I lost I like to talk to her when I am on the walking trail- I believe their spirts here us and I would hope others would talk to me when I have passed-I don't want to miss anything

Maria, I am sorry to hear about your husband's friend. it seems the poor man was in a situation that he couldn't find a door to open. May he rest in peace.
Donna, my mom too tries to help but she can't. So I make comments that make her laugh so she won't feel so bad. With bringing things from the storage and putting them away, my back and leg have been killing me. She tells me to leave them for later but I hate to see everything piled everywhere.
Judy, this season is hard on many people, especially when someone we love is no longer here. Your father will be with you always only in spirit if that is any consolation. At least, that is how I manage my pain when I have lost somebody and lately it has been my childhood friends, all brothers, and we are only in our 50's.
Welcome to the new girls.
Love, Ply

I have had the shopping habit lately, with christmas and my sons birthdays are soon. I guess its a way of having to avoid the blues without my Dad here too. Its been almost 3 months.
I just happen to think of things he said to me while I was driving today right around the time I was putting up the Christmas tree, he said he wished he could help me that was last year. I have alot of presents to wrap some for Florida and Tenn. My mother doesn't know what to do in a store anymore, she takes forever to decide if she wants to buy toilet paper and half the time whatever she puts in her cart she puts back. Its rather pitiful and it isn't like she doesn't have the money. Its good to see you girls here oxoxoxo Judy

Mia
I am so sorry about your husbands friend. At one time many years ago I felt that it would be better if I were not here anymore a therapist talked me out of it and I was so glad later on- I would have missed so much good with some bad. A beautilul nurse I worked with seemed to have everything material a lovely home she had been in a comerical on TV her husband was in show business she had so many friends but was getting a divorce and she killed herself-most people were mad at her but I did understand why she did it and tried to educate people why she did it without telling my story, it is sad that she was not able to share her pain there were so many people who loved her.

Hi everyone and thnks sharon for thinking of us all. I have been laying around moaning and groaning about my back for the last coupla weeks. finally went the doc monday, and he gave me three shots of cortisone in my back, seems to be better, but not completely well. My mom has been very sweet since i have been down. has tried so hard to help me, but, bless her heart, she is just not able to do much of anything..She tried to fry some potatoes today and couldnt even accomplish that. she does the laundry, but puts everything in together. whites coloreds sheets towels. stuffs as much in as is at all possible. but----the main thing is that she tries so hard, and makes me teary eyed to think of the lady who was once so strong and so busy..and so capable, to be so unable to do anything anymore. she worries tremendously about me. keeps asking me if i get down, what will happen to her. i try to reassure her that things will be ok.
Our neighbor across the street was to be 101 in feb, and passed away today, that too has taken its toll on her. He has been her neighbor for 45 years, and was her oldest brothers best friend when she was a child.
Maria, sounds like your hubby is very depressed about his friends death, so sorry to hear of that. and also sounds like you are up to your neck in work and stress. you will be ok, your sense of humor will carry you thru.
Dugouts, arent these old ladies stubborn? my mom, like yours can outshop me too. i will be ready to go an hour before she is ready to leave wal mart, and then she argues that she is not ready. but all she wants to buy is groceries and more groceries that we have no place to put. another, GO FIGURE.
Cindi, miss your sweet and helpful postings. hope you are doing ok with the diet, and the surgery will happen for you soon. hows mom and sis and dad? how about the daughter?
Marylynne, honey, i miss you, but i know you are trying to keep a happy face and i hope it will work for you.
Judy, good to hear from you. austin, glad that you are up and about.
Love to all my precious friends on this site and welcome to my new friends,
Donna

Hi Girls,
Mia, I'm so sorry for the loss you husband has had to endure. He must be taking it very hard.
Welcome to Linda and Dugout. Here is where you will find other women who understand exactly what you are going through. I, too, have my mother living with me for the last 3 years and it hasn't been pleasant. She's a bit of a control freak and a complainer....and the list could go on. I have 3 useless brothers who are very happy to let me take on the burden. They never bother with her, they never ask me if I need help. They never take her off my hands. My Dad (a saint) passed away 5 weeks ago. He was in a nursing home with dementia. My brothers visited rarely. So you see where this is going. I'm stuck with taking care of her for the rest of her life and I am positive she will live to 100. Lucky me. It is to my favor that she is not a sick woman and does everything for herself. She drives, cooks, washes her clothes, etc. That part is good but she drives me nuts with wanting everything HER way in MY house. It makes me hate her and want her dead. I wish you all well.
Donna, Cindi, Marylynne, Judy, Maria, Auston, where ya'all been? Everything OK?
Love to all,
Sha

Mia, things in life can become overwhelming and when you have no where to turn people do the unexpected. We are put here to learn from what we go through everyday a test so to speak. My prayers are with you and your husband and hope that communication will be the key to keep the stress of our daily troubles a little lighter. Judy

My mother is all but deaf and blind, she withdrew from society a long time ago and can come up with any reason in the world not to do anything whether it makes sense or not. She doesn't speak much because she can't hear and it is frustrating for her not to be able to hear but she refuses to have hearing aids, she doesn't like the light either except to find her way to the bathroom it hurts her eyes. She doesn't seem to understand that removing the cataracts would make life so much easier for her but she refuses that to. Since my dad died a year and a half ago she doesn't want any surgery. He fell broke his hip, got MRSA;, had it removed than had a stroke so she is just happy sitting at home until its time to go shopping and buddy she can out shop me. But when its time to bring it in and put it away her back mysteriously hurts. Its a laugh a minute but I keep telling myself it is only temporary. Considering we never had a good relationship and I have two siblings that are just plain not interested I am doing pretty good. It helps that I work but boy weekends when you have to clean up after another adult is harder than cleaning up after kids or maybe it's just that I'm older now. You are not alone but it is harder some days than others. I do get depressed at times and find I just want to stay there for a few days. Than I'm over it? go figure

dear 195 it was so nice to see what you wrote to me todays was a bad day well it started yesterday well maybe a few days a go hey this could go in a long time well any way very busy daughters car broke down wo i have been icking her up from work and then the grandbaby so i dont get home until about 7 monday was bad had really slippery roads took an extra 3 hours but last night when i got home i was mad and overwehlmed dog was in his cage barking my son bit his sister and she was crying i had super to make i was yelling cant anybody help me , my husband was in bed but before you say hey thats not fair he does start work at 5 in the moring so hes up at 3:30 and he had found one of his friends at work killed him self. i feel really bad now that i yelled at my husband, i guess he took it pretty hard he said he cried on his way to work this morning. his friend killed him self he was in a lot of plhysical pain from a fall and some time within the last year his wife left him took all the money and the dogs and left. his father died and left every thing to his sisters so he was kicked out of the house. (he lived in his fathers house) wow makes me sad i quess i wont feel so bad for my self he must have felt so hopeless. my husband im sure feels bad , his friend came to him last week with a work issue and he shot him self on monday, he was taken off life support on tuesday, i hope and pray nobody here feels life is so hopeless that they would do something so drastic please if you feel so overwhelmed please talk to us then get some proffesional help not nessarly in that order. so PLEASE all of you who are stressed over our situtations we have a place to go and people who trully care even if we have never meet face to face i will be there for you. Please every one please say a prayer for this family in there time of need as i will say a prayer for all of you that God will lighten your load and ease your souls . mia

this is a great site that i just stepped on to I thought i was going insane until I started to read all the other comments that people wrote. I have been taking care of my mother for the past 2 years. I sold my house

Miak
I love your post-dear lady how can you keep your sense of humor-if I had your life I would be crying or yelling all the time-you are my hero. Judy it is so good of you to help your aunt, the husband came home yesterday from the hosp. he had refused to go to rehab then we foind out he could not anyway because he had been in the hosp. three times since being out of rehab and has to be home 60 days-that seems to be new rules and we can not get medicare home care and I had to cut down on our paid aide by one day after making out a budget, oh well if you all can cope with all your problems I guess I will also

hello, every one hope your days was good? mine was bad transmission went in my husbands car. had to drag th kids out of bed at 5:00 to take him to work had to call in to work, my boss called me asking do i need some one to cover those extra shift? i was like no i will have acar by the week end i was so pissed. i only work 1 or 2 days a week but to be nice i took about 4 extra shifts and then hes giving me guff i was so ready to quit because i dont have enough already to do every day but i think it will be the last time i vulenteer for more hours. he doesnt yell at he full time girls when they all in sick. i was reading a post and the person talked about a level 4 in demintia what is that? also my dad has also accused me of stealing money from him its anywhere from 10 to 40 thousand bucks believe me i didnt do it becasue 1 im not a thief and 2 he would acuse me first and 3 if i did which i didnt but if it was 40 thousand i would far from here. i would have moved so FAST, id leave skidd marks haha. I think he gave it to his girlfriend and he doesnt want to admit it or he hid it and forgot or there never was money he just thinks there was. oh well i blame my sister if she let him have that kinda money in the house and it was truly stolen then she should be ashamed of her self she is not doing a very good job as his stuward. there not much we can do about it i really think there was no money and he just thinks there was. well better go to bed have to get up at 4:00 to take husband to work then get kids ready for school drop them off by 8:15 and then go to wrok till 2:30 pick up husband from work and then the kids from school make supper and try not to fall down from exhaustion. im sureif you wrote sown every thing you did nin one day you would be amazed that your still standing by the end of the day. heres to a good nights sleep and hard working americans ps where is our bail out. haha miak pps if you ever want to have fun try going to wallmark at 10:30 at night its very quit and you can brows all you want and theres noone to bug you . just a thought.

My message got cut off, oh well I'll try again. My Aunt is in the hospital now she's one of my Dad's sisters she's 90. Her leg has to be amputated her foot is black a horrible sight. She was having the surgery today and my cousin called and said it went well. I really don't think she is going to handle the outcome of all this. Now she will be wheelchair bound, I am going to help all I can she doesn't live near me and I know that she is going to have to be put in a nursing home for round the clock care.
Hope all my friends are fine, hope to hear from all of you soon. oxoxoxo Judy