Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Austin,
how are you doing sweetie? You are kind for saying that to me thank you. You say it well too, Austin. It is good to be supported. Glad you said anything at all! How are you doing with your husband?

Judy,
you are right nothing new with the roller coaster and my sister. However, now I have finally realized how bad it is and what it is. That is the oh aw realization. How was your Thanksgiving? I usually consider myself as having two celebrations. One for my son by laying festive flowers, pumpkin christmas tree whatever the season and praying over his grave. Then I have the celebration with the rest of my family. That is the only way I can be with my son so that is how I share it with him. At Christmas I volunteer and go to the Worldwide candle lighting ceremony that is held the second Sunday of December. That is how I spend Christmas with him and of course a tree with decorations..etc at his gravesite. I make his favorite dessert for the refreshment part after the candlelite ceremony in his honor and memory. Did you do anything like that for your Father? It is the first one I know. It may take awhile to make traditions for your Father. Special love to you and your family.

Donna, Love to you.

Marylynne...where are you sweetie? I have a feeling some of the postings here have made you feel uncomfortable and not feeling like you want to share. I hope that is not the case. Hugs to you.

Sha, Ply...hope you both had good Thanksgivings.
Miak...you too.

Hugs
Cindi

Shadyldy
My take on this is that your Mom makes you angery and not that you are a angery person-my mother in law made me very angery but in those days I took everything that was thrown at me and now that she has passed I wished I had tried to make things better. Cindi thank you for your posting you always say it better then I am able.

Donna, we are here for you. Ply

Sunshine,

Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it. I think this time you have said too many things in such a way that it would make it hard for shadyldy (Donna) to hear you. No, caregiving is not easy and you don't know the whole history. I agree witht the majority of what you said about not being safegood for either one of them. I agree it's time to move the mother out. Even the mother herself wants out. She wants to be the main focus and detests the fact that Donna now has someone else in her life. Worse then this that Donna dares to have a life at all. Donna needed to have set down firmer ground rooms from the get go and she is doing this now. The Mother is acting badly and acting out. I do believe Donna needs a little empathy and compassion. In your posting I don't see much of that.

Donna, be well sweetie. It's time. Until then keep it together.
God Bless you both

Cindi

shadyldy, given your escalating feelings of hostility and for your Mom's safety and your emotional well-being, it is best to place her name on a waiting list for nursing home placement if you have not already done so. Your Mom is not making you angry. You are angry. Your Mom's conduct is one thing and your reactions to her are still within your control. Think of it like taking candy from a child, or kicking sand in someone's face simply because the individual is at a disadvantage and has mouthed off to the wrong person, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Acting from a place of rage is never worth it. No one ever said that caregiving would be easy. It is not. I worked with a boss once who was entirely unreasonable when he became angry and he would say, "I heat up. I cool down. Life goes on." Your Mom is sleeping. Life goes on.

hi girls and thanks for the holiday wishes. well, the last couple of days have been horrid for me. i spent all day monday, tuesday wednesday and thursday cooking and preparing for the thanksgiving dinner. so friday, don and i had to go to the bank, and to walmart for some things he needed. we were gone about 4 hours. got home, and she was all upset and said, well, this has not been a very happy thanksgiving for me. i sit here by myself all day long. i just ignored her. then this morning, we decided to go to the local casino for a while. we were only gone two hours. got back and she threw the darndest fit you ever heard of. she ranted and raved about sitting here all alone. she said it is not very nice of you to leave me like this. then she told don that she hated him, that he had done nothing but cause trouble and he was the laziest man she ever saw. then she started threatening to go to a nursing home. i told her i had checked and there were no openings in the local nursing homes. but if that is what she wants, i damned sure want her to go. i cant stand much more of her fits. i have begun to hate her more every time i look at her. this afternoon she was so caustic that it was all i could do to keep from hitting her. i know this is dangerous. i am afraid that she is going to keep pushing me until i lose it and do that. i am still very upset and it has been 8 hours since that horrible confrontation with her. she is sleeping like a baby and i am sitting here upset and stewing. it just is not fair. she is making me hate her more and more and more.

Greekgirl How about I NEED MY SPACE lol it never works with the husband. M y Mom use to leave her hearing aide home when the ladies went out with one perticular friend so she did not have to listen to her. I am ahamed to say I had another bad fall on Wed- even two bad ones in two weeks is a record for me-ok God I get it-I need to be nicer to the huband it is humbleing to have trouble washing and getting dressed. I guess this young old lady is going to have to use a cane-my 90 almost - mother is going to give me one of her extra ones.

Thanks for all your support, right now concentrating on the holidays helps but afterwords who knows?
Teasandtoads, It is good to know about all that our parents can have wrong with them but when I mentioned depression to the doc he said I can prescribe something but will she take it? I said not if she knows what it is for. There is also BIG DENIAL about such things including hearing. I have mentioned to my mother about having a hearing test and she said there is nothing wrong with her hearing. We all know that she is getting hard of hearing. My Dad had a hearing aid and didn't wear it because it made everything louder, not just conversation or TV, thats all he wanted it for.
Just like the dentist my mom REALLY needs to go there but won't. She already complains about the drugs she does take and doesn't want to take them anymore.I tell her no one is forcing you to take them, but if you don't then expect health problems. If we could be so lucky to have parents that comply to our wishes we wouldn't be here writing to each other.
Austin, I am glad that your husband seems to be treating you better, and I hope your care for him has rewards for you.
Cindi, sorry about your sister but you should be used to that roller coaster huh?
Donna, glad you decided to entertain, I had some friends of my oldest son over for his birthday, always avoided that because of the noise but now without Dad I'm ok with it. I don't care if it bothers her.
I told her today that if she doesn't keep people in her life that it will be her loss.
She doesn't like it when I talk to my Aunt Mary just because I think that I can talk to her and she listens to me.
I am going to hit Walmart in the am, hope all my friends had full stomachs for Thanksgiving and I am thankful for all of you. Where's marylynne? oxoxoox Judy

happy turkey day everyone. hope all are happy and safe. we had my mom-in-laws elder testing yesterday. they convinced her to finally sign for my brother in law to be her power of att. which we have been trying to get her to do for months. social worker told me to get the hell out of here every chance i can. also helped me explain that we need a break from each other and she needs to sign up for day care in our area at least 1 or 2 days a week. and she would have to pay for it, not me. Where she thought i would get the money is beyond me. also spoke to brother who informed me there was plenty of money and and i would soon be getting some compensation for my 24/7 care giving , she was very upset by this but i a assume she'll get over it. her health is considered fair at this point and there will be a complete team meeting in 3 weeks. Today was ok for us she still doesn't seem to like it when i leave, but i had to spend a little time with my family today also.. you know as i sit here and try to type she is 1 foot from me just staring at me like i am doing something wrong.. i need time for me.. does any one have this problem,, how do you nicely tell and 83 yr old woman to LEAVE ME ALONE, for 5 minutes..? Anyway happy thanksgiving to all and I am thankful for the opportunity to care afor this very special woman, and when i get down and out i have recently realized how very thankful i am my husband..

Ply, many thanks for your kind words and sharing. Much love and hugs coming right 'backatcha' on this blessed Thanksgiving Day 2008! By reading your comments, it is clear to me that you, too, have much for which to be thankful. It takes eyes of faith to be able to recognize that regardless, we are blessed. Happy Thanksgiving memories to all of my fellow caregivers on this website. May today be a day of peace, forgiveness, healing and divinely inspired solutions in our lives and caregiving journeys.

Greekgirl, as I read your post, I realized that u are right concerning problems as we age. I am glad that I am not alone on this as I thought that there was something very wrong with me. I can still handle anything that comes my way but my bp goes up as to where it didn't before. Maybe there are too many things going on, who knows. I also put myself in my mom's shoes and to lose independence is very though. I refuse to give her pills that will have her out of it. She can do that on her own sometimes very well, lol.

Sunshine, good for you on your way of thinking!

Everybody, I am thinking of all of you and I hope that each and everyone of you has a very Happy and Peaceful Thankgiving. Love, Ply

Oops! Wrong discussion thread. Please disregard the second post, immediately above this entry. I was trying to post to another discussion. My aologies, all.

Cindi, I agree on your take that every caregiver has a different way of coping with our challenges in caregiving. Like cat, I do not have relatives or help, but I chose to be a caregiver in my heart many years ago, and have never regretted my decision. As a caregiver, I have great days and sometimes rough days. It is no different to me than life, work, or anything else where sometimes things run smoothly as they should, and sometimes there are blips on life's radar. This is a place allwho enter the web doors, whether to read, to vent, to learn, to listen to share, and/or to complain if some caregivers need to vent by airing their pet peeves. "That's what friends are for!"

Excellent point on when the number of prescriptions a senior adult has to take may be enough to call it a day, greekgirl. As far as I am concerned, every single prescription has a side effect whether one is aware of the effect(s), or not. Piling on dozens of prescriptions may cure or mitigate some illnesses and/or symptoms, only to result in a whole set of undesirable side effects, particularly in mature adults whose vulnerable and sometimes frail bodies need little to become confused, dazed, or practically catatonic. I would rather my Mom be her feisty self by arguing or disagreeing to take action on some categories because it is a clear signal to me that she is no different than you, or me, or anyone else. She has her pride, her dignity, and mine is to be her advocate

teaandtoads, i have reread each entry im not sure anyone thought you were judging. this is the best place to just vent. you are very right depression comes with age , cna a pill fix it maybe not, as i said earlier, i take one myself doesn't help with eerything, when were young we deal with lifes everyday problems. as we age i have noticed everything seems to be such a major problem it must be impossible to deal on ones own, how many pills is enough where do we draw the line.

Shadylady
My husband wants to go to every doc except ob-gyn I finally said only if he really needed to go and now he has to make appointments when the aide is working for us- since I fell I am not able to get his heavy w/c in and out of the car so I can relate- I had said to a social worker I never met anyone who loves to go to docs- she said you never met my Mom. Sunshine- thank you for your commets you put it better then me we all have a right to express our opions

teaandtoads, one thing I have learned in a very short time of being on this board is that sometimes personal opinions are rebuffed regardless of (y)our best intentions. Like you, I am always trying to actively listen and think outside of the box when others share, no different than how I try to manage my own caregiving responsibilities. Please don't be discouraged. I understand your trying to think of a potential solution that might be meaningful to another caregiver. You know, the other thing that happens is that you never know when your post will touch another caregiver's spirit. It has happened to me more than once with different replies posted by 195Austin in another blog discussion thread. There is also a lot to be said about developing a thick skin. If you know you have not been rude to anyone, keep sharing. Not to worry. Last I checked, ours is still a free world. Like you, I thought about the same message that may have cause you to take pause. In the end, I have not seen any posts to this site that are anything other than great fellowship in some instances, frustration in other instances, and simply diverging opinions. It is what makes us unique. Please don't stop sharing and like the good caregiver that you try to be, allow comments that may come across as harsh to roll right off your back. No need to take your caregiver's journey alone, ok? Hope you are able to read this. It is not worth it when there is so much here for everyone. Hugs.

Teaandtoads
Please do not be upset-I have been interested in depression in the eldery for many years. M any yrs ago I went back to college for a while and did a research paper on this subject and could find very little information on this subject. I also fought docs for years with my husbands problems and was biowed off even when all he could talk about was sucide-I did everything possible to get someone to listen to me and finally a N.P. really listened. Many of the caregivers were able to get help for their loved ones but where I live the docs do not want any more problems to deal with and it is easy to push family members away. Every one of us has something to add to this site and sometimes there is critisisms and it seems some put us down but we are all friends and have every right to express our opions. I my self have said things that were taken a different way then I ment and have asked for the persons forgiveness and really felt bad that I upset someone-I do hope you stay on this site it has been a lifeline for me and I do not have it as bad as most others and would like to get to know you better.

wow-wasn't judging =just trying to help and perhaps think of a new angle. also to see if anybody else had similar results. don't worry I won't bother you guys again.

Thanks for nothing

Judy,
the holidays make you miss your loved ones more then usual. It is normal to feel low and grieve. Your hands are not as busy as they were when your father was still here. Your boys are growing up and more independent. You are kind of lost. Your role has changed and now you are redefining. Best thoughts, wishes and prayers are with you sweetie.

Sha, you are so sweet. My sister is better from her psychosis but the personality disorder which led to the downfall of everything in her life has returned and there is no cure for that. It can be managed/controlled with counseling and if she is willing to be honest with herself but at best it is very difficult. Her disorder makes her very narcisstic, selfish and self centered and causes her to rage when things are said or done that she does not like. My Mother is similar but not as bad as her. I have decided to let my sister out of my life and at arms lenght. I've busted my butt all these years for both my mother and sister. I realize it is not possible for me to be close to my sister. She will always stab me when she is unhappy with me. We saved her life, renurtured her and this is what she does. It's just the way it is. It will be sad and it is sad not having her here for Thankgiving. At the same time, it is also peaceful.

Donna, your mother sounds like a hypochondriac! My mother is kind of like that too. At age 90 her time is getting short here. Things can change and happen in a moment. She has her age and one never knows when their time has come. My mother lost a former senior resident friend. She saw her last Friday at "Happy Hour" entertainment and then 3 days later her friend was gone. She had passed away in her sleep. She was 90. You have been so good to your Mother, Donna always remember that. She is so very lucky.

I wish all my friends here a very Happy Thanksgiving. Let's be grateful and count our blessings. To the new people here welcome. To those who have been critical please leave it at the door. We need support and compassion.

Love to you all
Cindi

oh my. my mom wants to go to eye doctor, hearing doctor, gastrointernist, cardiologist, urologist, oncologist, primary care doc. she never has a shortage of docs she wants to see, so no worry about taking away her vanity or choices. the only worry is how i am going to live thru many more doc appts. if she hears about another kind of doctor, i will be going there too. i have sat thru, mris, catscans, petscans, and numerous e r visits. there is nothing wrong with her, she just wants an outing. i guess when you are 90, you do feel bad all over, that is what she tells me anyway, but they cant seem to pinpoint why. primary care says it is just old age. who knows? oh yeah i forgot the neurologist. so, i dont5 think it is going to bother her for me to mention any thing else. any way thanks for the support. love, donna

teaandtoads, I am right there with you when it comes to strongly encouraging my Mother to get a hearing test and hearing aids. I will not force her, though, and you are right that it is a generational thing, plus the loss of control and vanity. If I have to insist on so many things, I further erode Mom's control, so I am always mindful of giving her lots of choices where possible. I think I might feel the same if I were in Mom's shoes, other than the fact that I have worked with two people whom I greatly respect, both of whom had hearing aids and never hesitated to make it known, and one would never know by just talking to them, so at least I have had positive role models in the workplace when it comes to using hearing aids.

It took me a long time to convince the docs my husband had a problem with depression and bi-polar it was finally a N.P. that was able to get to the bottom of things and get him on meds- it was me researching to realize what was wrong and keep on until someone would take responsiblility for his problems.

131 trust me the valium doesn't help i take 10 mg a day perscribed for me by my dr.

Donna, you beat me to it. We have all gone down that road and we didn't take the responsability without chechking with the doctors first. So yeah, teasandtoads, we have done everything that needs to be done and beyond. We are not in this site to judge but to support one another when we need it. Thanks anyway. Ply

hahahhahahahahahha teas and toads, let me tell you, not a one of us are so stupid that we dont know that the elderly may be depressed, and let me assure you that most of us have them on as many antidepressants and nerve pills as the law allows. i have been thinking seriously of taking the valium myself, and omitting them from her, so i will be happy, as it doesnt seem to make a bit of difference in her mean ways. advice?? i think i have had all the advice i can use. now all we need for the most part is someone to listen to us complain without judging us. luv, donna

Hi Girls,
Judy, I know what what you mean about needing an outlet. Maybe you would like a hobby, rather than volunteering. Maybe you would like to try oil or water painting. I once took sign language and I loved it. Other good suggestions from the girls were making afghans and lap blankets. How about collecting food for a soup kitchen? Good luck with your decision.

Cindi, I'm sorry things are not going well for your sister. You have been a good sister. It seems like it gets harder around the holidays. Hope you are having a better day.

Maria, it's sad to say but I think it looks like your mother may be needing a nursing home soon. I would be worried about her during the night getting up without my knowing and get hurt or walk away from the house and get lost. It's not an easy decision but sometimes it's necessary. Good luck honey.

Donna, as I read your last post it was like I was the one doing the talking. I, too, stopped having parties because of her but no more. I'm having a Christmas party next month for the nice people I have met on my commuter bus. She's trying to take over but I'm not letting her. And I so identified with not going anywhere because I know she will want to tag along. I try to get my errands done on my way home from work or when I know she won't be around to see what I'm doing. She always has to know what's going on. I could choke her. I dread putting up my outside Christmas decorations because I know she'll want to be right in the middle of everything telling me what to do. God, sometimes I hate her. I'm grateful I have a full-time job and I don't have to deal with her for 10 hours a day. And the negativity is beyond words. That woman is never happy. Sometimes I don't know how I stand it.
Well, I've vented enough for one day.
Hope you girls know you are always in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Have a good day,
Love you,
Sha

DEPRESSION-Why, in talking about all the issues and concerns the elderly have-not eating, isolation, clinging etc.- doesn't anybody think about treating depression. Go with the person to their doctor. Talk to their doctor. Their doctor may be unaware of all of the issues going on. That generation does not like to talk about or admit to any kind of mental issues. See if the doctor might recommend a low dose anti-depressant.
Also, check their NUTRITIONAL-VITAMIN levels- a blood test can check for many. Low levels of B-complex vitamins, magnesium, vitamin D- can all contribute to low energy and depression. It is very easy for elderly to miss getting the correct levels if they are on a low calorie diet.
Also have their BLOOD SUGAR checked. Being pre diabetic can cause mood swings, low energy etc. I'm not saying that a couple of pills will fix everything. My 81 year old mother struggles with depression. After having a lovely doctor gently recommend an anti-depressent and supplements her moods got better, she lost some weight, had more energy, ate less sweets, slept better. The downward cycle was stopped. Unfortunately once she starts to feel better she goes off the anti-depressant. The positive effects last for awhile. Now that my father has passed we are watching how she is doing and will probable start her on the anti-depressants before winter-she also gets S.A.D.
HEARING LOSS- check this also. The elderly don't like to talk about everything that is going wrong. Loss of control, vanity etc. However it is very easy for them to withdraw when they can't really hear everything that is going on, when talking on the phone is not as enjoyable they may stop-or being unable to hear when out with others in crowded restaurant may stop them from going. All these activities keep the brain active and helps to prevent isolation. I know with my mother a hearing test is not routine and had to be asked for. We are still fighting to make her get one. She says its the money- we know its more vanity. We might have won the battle when we pointed out that she didn't hear the smoke alarm beeping to let her know the battery was going. Good luck to everyone.

hi everyone, well things are back to normal now. my back is better after the cortisone shots and the medication that i have now. thank goodness, as i have around 25 coming to my house for thanksgiving. some staying for the weekend, some for the day, but nonetheless, all will be here to eat. My son told his wife, mom will gather up all the strays that have no other place to go, she always has, always will. lol. well, it is really griping my mom to no end. she is so worried about where they will all sleep, where they will all sit to eat. I am not worried, they know i have a small house, but choose to be here rather than somewhere else, and i am honored. She has prevented me from having company too long. I am changing that starting NOW. She can pitch a fit if she wants to, i am going to enjoy my life, and i am no longer going to let her rule it. Today she said she never gets to go anywhere, that i go all of the time. that is almost the straw that broke the camels back, because i go out of my way to take her places. and if she cant go, a lot of times i dont go myself to keep from feeling guilty that she is sitting and cant go. Back to normal. she is being her old witchy self again, and yes, greek, that woman will not let me talk on the phone. i cant even conduct any kind of business or talk to my friends without her listening to me all the time. I am even afraid of going to the bank to take care of things, because she always wants to go, and rather than do the things i have to do, i just let it go, because i dont want her nose in every thing i do or say. i have gotten to the point where i dont talk to my friends on the phone, dont talk to anyone but my sons, and she is always listening and wanting to carry on a three way conversation. and my best friend lives 3 doors down, and i cant even go to visit her more than once a month or so, because of my mothers extreme jealousy and possessiveness of me. i am so imprisoned. and dont want to sound like a griper, but sometimes i hate her with all my might. just want to be free from her and responsibility of caring for her. well gotta go. luv all you girls, Donna

Judy, maybe you can look into volunteering at some hospital. There you will find many people to help and you don't have to be tied down. If not, look somewhere else. I know that after taking care of your dad and he no longer being here, it is hard. I can understand that very well. I am sure that you will be able to find something that will make you feel useful, you just have to search. God bless and take care. Love, Ply