Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Hi Girls. Hope you all are doing okay. I want to say that I also feel I identify with Marylynne, Donna and even Sha. Maybe not exactly the same way but I do believe we all had narcissistic Mothers who did not nurture us emotionally and did not know how to love us in a healthy way. They still act out and act up despite the fact that we do everything for them, and despite the fact that seeing how they were not there for us emotionally we are still there for them. That makes us resentful and it is difficult to handle those emotions when you see all that we did not and do not get from these women. I do not hate her at least not at this moment...but I do struggle from day to day taking care of her and dad all the way trying to heal and protect myself from her. I am sad, and sometimes resentful for how she has never been there for me. I try to do things the spiritual way and rise above it all. I do understand that she did the best she knew. But, man I feel sorry for myself and even for my sister who has been damaged a differently then me but still damaged. Damaged, affected whatever you want to call it. I am reading a book entitled "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" it is by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Subtitled Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers. Might want to take a look at it. I wish the best to all of you. May the Christmas/Holiday season bring some semblance of peace, love and joy to you and your families.

Hugs,
Cindi

Austin,

Please let me know how you changed your attitude. Would love to know over how much time did this occur and what triggered it?

Love,
marylynne

perfect scenario. Mom I need you to start helping around here a little bit. Can you make supper three times a week. Mom "sure" what do you want? Well, how about some spaghetti,? Mom " well I don't know what you like" Me Well, I don't buy anything I don't like so what ever is in the freezer I will eat. Guess what I get a half a cup of watered down veg beef soup sodium sodium sodium guess what I'll eat tomorrow. So you see I know just what you are all going thru and right now I wish I wish I wish

You don't sound like someone who is seeking pity, Bittersweet. You are being honest in stating your feelings and there is nothing wrong with that. Being a caregiver is a swirl of emotions that run the gamut. You have said that you want to enjoy time with your Mom. That is a first step. Perhaps when you can finally place her in a nursing home you will begin to experience greater relief. Hope that day comes soon for you. Keep sharing and envisioning where you wish to be in your relationship with your Mom. When she gets to ranting, if you can stand it, say nothing from time-to-time. Sometimes silence speaks volumes when one party is acting ugly. Turn a smooth sounds CD on and allow your thoughts to drift on the smoothness of the sounds. Rooting for you!

Marylynne,

It was me who recommended the book. It completely changed my attitude, even though I have had extensive training in pastoral care I never fully "got" the idea that God made me to be happy (and you too!) until I read this book and put the ideas into practice. You do have it in you to be happy regardless of what anyone else says or does because you are God's beloved child and worthy of His love and of your own self-acceptance. My life was changed and I know yours will be too. I will be praying for you.

Blessings,
Betsy

Sunshine, are you the one that gave the information on the book about how to make yourself happy, because I just bought it.

I don't remember who told me about it, but I will let ya'll know how the read goes

Sha, I know exactly how you feel. I am so desperate for something to make things right that I wish and pray all day long that god will change something in my life that will make it more happy.

Love,
marylynne

Hi girls,
I want to thank Neon, Austin, Maria, Donna and Marylynne for caring.
Marylynne, and Donna, I do feel like we are most alike in how we feel about our mothers. I guess my problem is; I don't want to feel that way. I don't like it. I'm calling out to all of you to help me to not feel that way and sometimes when I reach out, I get looked over. It's probably not intentional, it's just that I'm so desperate for answers that I'm hoping someone will pick up on my emotions and tell me what I should do. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy my time with my mother but my hate towards her won't let me. I'm at a loss.
Maria, I'm so sorry you had such a mean grandfather. Grandparents are supposed to protect us but I guess the mean ones don't. I will email you personally and I want you to do the same...anytime. I love the other emails you send me...keep them coming.
Sorry if I sound like I'm looking for pity, I just don't have anywhere else to turn.
Love,
Sha

Mlv3000
I hope you change your mind and come back to post- we all need each other to get through this and everyones opioun is worth hearing and how ever you feel there are others that feel the same way,

I agree with you, neonwocky, that in the end there is "only one judge." I very much concur with your statement of "say what you want and stand for it." There is never a need to apologize or defend feelings that arise from caregiving. They are what they are and the feelings are a mixed bag.

I agree with you, neonwocky, that in the end there is "only one judge." I very much concur with your statement of "say what you want and stand for it." There is never a need to apologize or defend feelings that arize from caregiving. They are what they are and the feelings are a mixed bag.

You shouldn't feel bad because you wish your mother dead, I have to It's because they are so trying at times and seems like they do things just to tick you off. Mine knows what buttons to push to and now I just give it back I am not 16 anymore and told her so So whatever she thought she could keep to herself because she didn't do such a hot job with her own life at that if so I wouldn't have to have been there all my life to bail them out over and over and over again. Just to have some crappy thing said and made to feel like a slave. Yet, I am the one that took it upon myself to bring them to this state to live because I knew there was no one else. She hates to hear that to but guess what lifes a bitch and then you either marry one or give birth to one and I'm the one. If someone wants to judge you they are in the wrong there is only one judge and he knows exactly what you are going thru. People make choices and they don't ever think about the ripple effect it has on the rest of us but the reward is not here. Say what you want and stand for it. No one has to like it no one knows the hells that others and yes, sometimes they are parents, put you thru and yet you are still there for them and they still don't get it It is only human to to wish someone away when they make you feel like you don't matter and you know you are the one that has to do it all. Take care of you because she will be gone and than you can breathe.

Sha, went back and read your posting, it seems like you, me and donna are all in the same boat. The words you used are exactly what I would have said, in the same exact way.

Love,
Marylynne

Sha,

Had to respond when I read your posting. I too, do not get on this forum any more and just read all of your postings. I felt like the things I was saying was being judged by some. I know its nasty to say you wish someone dead, but I can't help feeling that way most of the time. Until things change, I feel the same.

Send me your e-mail address and will e-mail you personally, since I feel funny on the forum now. I know I have it some where, but don't want to look through all the e-mails to find it. Will be glad to share my ill will wishes for my mother with you and yours, Ha!

Love ya,
Marylynne

Sharon, no you are not invisiable, and let me tell you, i love reading your postings, sorry tho, sounds much like my own life with my lovely mother. and what more can be said about the old witches anyway? just know that i love your postings and will always be here to listen to u. love, donna. hi everyone else!!!!!

Sha, Donna, I went back to memory lane and remembered my grandfather. He was mean to everybody. He had a stroke and his left side was paralized but he could still walk with a crutch. Any chance he had, he would hit me with it or call me names and just be spiteful to me. He would always remind me that I wasn't his son's real daughter, always telling me that I had been adopted. When he died, I was 16, and didn't shed a tear for him. I didn't want my dad to cry for him either but of course I couldn't tell him that. By remembering all this, I have put myself in your shoes and realized that I have walked in them. It feels terrible feeling this way, hating and wishing somebody dead. Oh, don't think that I kept my mouth shut as I was growing up cause I didn't. But after he died, I never thought about him again. My life went on as if he had never been in it. I can't say things will get better for you guys because I don't know. All I know is that when that person that is making you feel this way is no longer in your life, you will be able to breathe better. Now I understand both of you and hope that peace will come soon to you lives. Funny, how I had to go back to really understand both of you. And nobody is invisible here guys. Both of you have my email address, you feel like venting to somebody, I am here. Vent all you want, I have big shoulders. They might sag once in a while like everything else, but I still have them, lol. Take care guys and remember that we are here for one another.
Luv u guys, Maria

Bittersweet
Please tell me why you feel invisible-I am on the way to the docs about my back pain after two falls-will talk to you later

I am getting ready to go to work Bittersweet talk to me and I will respond when I get home please don't feel invisible no one is you know. I don't want you to feel that way we are all in this big boat together.

I'm beginning to feel invisable on this forum. Oh well, I guess I should be used to it.

Hugs, neonwocky. I enjoy reading your writing! You ought to write a book. Hope you have a blessed week.

Sunshine

I know you were offering your opinion. As I was with mine. My opinion was that there is a kinder way to say things. I also felt that without much background information which Donna has shared here before with us...your opinion was a bit harsh. That's all I am saying. It came across to me as a bit judgemental. I guess your way is not like my way and I felt bad for Donna.

Judy, I don't think it is weird that you set a place for your Father at the table for Thanksgiving. That is one of the recommended suggestions that one can remember a love one. I have had some experience with this because of the loss of my son and the support group that I belong to Compassionate Friends. I think it was special and you came up with it yourself with no grieve knowledge. They also will sometimes say a special prayer or a nice memory of their loved one at the dinner table.

Donna, love you lots. It is difficult being a caregiver. But it is even more difficult being a caregiver to a mother who never showed you much love or respect yet wants and demands that you put her as the center of your universe, not have a life of your own and not be happy because she is miserable. I hope a home opens up soon for her. It would be better for you and her.

Daughter just went back to school this evening. Quite a Thanksgiving holiday. Mother was trying to help yesterday by talking to my daughter after daughter and I had a few words. I have a small house and 6 people in it, a dog and bird we are on top of eachother bound to have some animosity. Later that night daughter and her bf had a disagreement. Yes, her bf was here too. They both slept in the living room. He on the sofa her on the other side on a sofa bed.

Hugs
Cindi

Thank you sunshine, It is hard most days but I have decided that as long as I let my mother drag me down she takes my power I have so much more power than she has and always have. I love to have fun and entertain and with the holidays which are my favorite I am going to enjoy them none of us know how many more we have. I lost a 13 year old boy 27 years ago and he loved Christmas and it was the hardest thing in the world for me to have that first Christmas after he died but I had another child and it wouldn't have been fair to him not to give him the same kind of memories that I gave my first son. Now he makes those memories to two little boys he has adopted. He is a good father. My mother wonders why he doesn't have much to say to her, well first she can't hear and second she was never a grandmother to him She has always been all about herself It is so true what goes around comes around I've seen it with my own two eyes. You get what you put out. She told me I have too many friends haha how can that be possible. At least I have friends she doesn't have one. Actually her life is very sad but she chose it. She will not go out with me she won't visit or go to church or even go to the hair dresser, I've offered to have her hair done for her she said she'll do it herself. She makes fun of me in front of my friends and its not funny actually its rude, so I told her one day she needed to think about what she says about me especially my looks as I look more like her than the rest of them. She's been real good now about that but one day she slipped in front of my son we just looked at each other Its really ashame she feels she needs to do that If she would just allow me to be who I am to her she would have a much better quality of life but she has never reached out to anyone so yep I have a sense of humor and I am so glad it's leaping. Sometimes I can really get on a roll. I always say when I retire I will either be the next phyllis diller or maybe I can be wocky the cable gal haha. I'm turning in take care of yourself to sunshinecaregiver and keep shining.

neonwocky, your sense of humor leaps off the page. God bless you. One of my friends always talks about "laughing to keep from crying." It always helps. Take good care of yourself!

Gosh I feel like I just read my life. It's terrible to feel that way about your mother isn't it? I always am so happy when I see woman who have a good relationship with their mother. I took mine to doctor last week her hearing is so bad she is not a candidate for a hearing aid, but she hears everything haha thats what she says she is being miserable with Christmas coming. She is mooning over my father who died a year and a half ago and the funny thing is if you didn't know them you would have thought they were mortal enemies. They never got along. Well There are days I feel like my mother will outlive me to just for spite but than I look at her she's up all night in her room like a teen ager without the phone and sleeps all day and just can't do a thing her back hurts but it doesn't when she bends over to pet the dog. My cats on the other hand can't stand her they are always swiping at her when she tries to pet them. She wants everyone to think she's all sweetness and light and when she talks about the past I wonder what kids she's talking about double life maybe anyway I am glad I am not alone please don't be miserable find things to do to get out of the house. I mentor a child I volunteer as often as I can and I know plenty of older people who love attention. I have lots of things wrong with me and since I took on this responsibility I now have blockage on left side of heart and take more meds than my mother but you know what your reward will be in heaven not here on earth and thats the goal so keep on keeping on I also work full time as well I just decided this is my life and I will help you but you are not sucking me dry at first she did but not anymore because you know what? If she really cared she would have taken care of her responsibilities so she hasn't and she's miserable doesn't mean she has to make me miserable. I am a loving person but I can't make her love me like she does her favorites who want nothing to do with her. She knows their favorite Christmas carols and has pictures galore, Me she don't know and she don't have. I was told she tore up all the pictures she had of me even my baby pictures. She was showing me pictures of all my siblings and came across a cardboard frame when she opened it up it was empty I said Oh thats me. Find your sense of humor and use it Humor comes from pain so I know there is a lot of funny ladies out there. Love to all

Hello all my friends, I hope you are all well. I want to send this post out to Donna. Sweetie, I know EXACTLY how you feel towards your mother because I feel the very same way. I know what you are going through, you are trapped and she sucks the life out of you, right? I'm right there with you honey. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish mother was dead. She's miserable, demanding, opinionated, rude and sometimes downright mean. And I also am sure she will live to be 100, in fact, I'm sure she'll bury me. At least I'll be out of my misery either way. I can't put her in a home, she's stiil too healthy and sharp but don't think I don't wish it everyday. At least if she falls and breaks a hip or something she'll be out from under my roof and I can just go visit every few days. I know I sound like a terrible person but I believe in my heart SHE MADE ME THIS WAY! I'm not like this with anyone else in the world!
I hope someday you and I find peace.
Love to all the girls...
Sha

dear shady , you really make me want to cry, i feel so bad for you if i could hug you i would wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be ok. i will pray that a space opens up for you mother but until then you must try hard to not let her get to you and yes i know it is easier said than done but please try for me i dont want any bad to happen to you . you ladies are really all i have, nobody else can understand how hard this is espcially when all our lives when been picked on put down stepped on and tried to be made out to be less than or crazy. Shady you must for your own survival dont listen to it, know that this will end . and as bad as it is now God will make it that much good you have put your time in hell so there is only heaven left. we are strong and you will get throught this. please know that I am here for you always your friend and always will under stand where you are comming from. you and me my friend are very special we could have and maybe should have walked away from these people who have treated us like shit but we have used our strenght and done what most peole would not do. and for this we will be blessed. please just hang in there a bit longer . love to all mia

I hope in my heart of hearts that I can show my mother what empathy is and that if you don't keep people in your life by being kind that you are at a loss. Of course she doesn't believe that or chooses not to think that way. Choices that all of us make thats all that it is about. Donna's mother chooses to get on her case to make her feel guilty, even though the whole time she was by herself nothing happened to her.
Donna you should by now expect that from your mother and you should keep going out and ignore the judgment when you return. Maybe mother needs a cat!!!

Cindi, this may sound weird but I set a plate at the table for my Dad for thanksgiving dinner. NO, I don't do that all the time. I just thought it was a nice gesture. The cemetery has sent us invites to some gatherings they have I may attend one. My dad is in a crypt on the fifth level in a small building I am going to buy his vase in the spring. They do not allow any artificial flowers only real or dried.
My mother had an attitude this morning before she even saw any of us. So I went about my to do list today and really didn't talk to her til supper time.
I think walking around with a happy attitude makes my mother angry that she can't seem to be the way I am.
Hang in there girls oxoxoxo Judy

ok sunshine after having read your posting and cindi's, i realize that i must be a bitch from hell. funny tho, no one but my mother makes me angry. yes, i am angry at the way she behaves. yes, i am angry that i had this fall in my lap and i didnt want to be caregiver in the first place. yes, i am angry when i remember the way i was treated by this sweet little old lady when i was a child. YES YES YES. i have put her on the waiting list at two different nursing homes. she is going as soon as there is an opening. So yes sunshine, happiness may lie within, but dammit, you have to be able to find the within before you can realize happiness. I have been thru this going on 8 years now. this woman made my husbands life the last two years of his life hell on earth. Now she is trying to do the same to me. as long as i remember, she has always had someone who she picked on constantly. she is just friggin mean, that is all there is to it. i will be ever so glad to get her out of my hair, and it cant happen too soon to suit me. i am happy for those of you who feel that you are doing the right thing. i am happy that you feel good about doing it and hope it continues to work for you. i dont feel good about it. and havent for 2 or three years. I have had absolutely no outside help, except for last february, i had a friend come and stay for 5 days while i was away. it was wonderful. but the entire time i was gone, i worried about what she would say when i got home. i am not feeling sorry for myself, just trying to make you understand what i have gone through in the last few years. the kicker here is this: the old woman will live forever just to spite me. I WILL NEVER BE FREE OF HER. ok, i am through. cindi, judy, both my sweet marias, luvyall,
Donna

brclark, you fully understood what I was trying to convey. At times when any one of us may be feeling most sorry for ourselves, there are many times that I simply need to firmly remind myself that happiness lies within me, and I cannot make anyone else be happy. Thanks for re-stating what I tried to say in short order. Blessings.

I know that I'm a bit of an outsider in this space, I've been reading the comments for a while and have only commented once or twice. But I speak from both personal and professional experience and Sunshine is right. We can't "make" anyone else happy or unhappy and they can't make us happy or any other feeling without our consent. The day I realized that was the best day of my life. As long as I am confident in my heart that I have done the right thing I don't stress out too much about how it is received.

And yes, we all need empathy and sometimes even a little sympathy and fluffing up. But it's even better to get some insight into how to make some adjustments that will make life better. I think I recommended it once before but it's worth another mention. The book "Happiness is an Inside Job" by John Powell, SJ is the best book I've seen written on the subject and I've seen a lot of them. It's life changing for those of us who grew up without a very high opinion of ourselves.

Blessings to all,
Betsy C

cindi, thanks for the feedback. I understand that Donna may not hear what I said. I stand by my personal opinion and you are correct that I will never know all of the facts in anyone else's situation. I offered my opinion, no more no less.