Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Cindi I hope you feel better, i was dealing with a sore throat all last week and I had to keep going. Couldn't lay in bed and drink hot tea all day don't we wish. My mom also says you should be dead by now to my Dad. She wanted to have a second chance she says.
If she has to help my Dad with anything there is always complaining that goes along with it. He would rather have her keep her distance.
Don't feel bad I have wished ill will on my Mom too but then thought if something did happen that it was my wish that came true and i would feel bad.

Cindi Go out, even if you feel bad, it will do you a world of good. Mom mom wants to go everywhere with me, so take the opportunity, don't wait till next week. Luv to you

Ladies, once again I ask...ARE ALL Mother's like this??? OR did we get unlucky?!
I think we need to take more of a stance and get people to help us get away as much as we can..or takes breaks or something. Take our power back and say Mom and DAd I have to take a break or I can no longer care for you. I am feeling maybe i will go and take my day away now...getting all fired up by these parents of ours. Even a break is not enough actually it only gets us through more. I feel for us all. Let's take back a little power ladies, and take care of ourselves too..

Cindi My mom often wishes my dad would die also. I wish you would just die she says to him. Don't like my 12 yr old exposed to such hatred. I understand where she is coming from, she is tired of helping take care of him. Why can't she see its the same for me. That why I wish them ill will also. Probably will come back on me for wishing bad things. I cook lunch and dinner for my mom and dad also. Mom does serve it to him. Thinks thats a big deal.

LUV mlv

No, you are not selfish, we are suppose to grow old with our husband's and watch our children grow up and bring our grandkids into the world someday. That is what I think is normal, but instead we have been given an additional reponsibility. Something in which we didn't have to grow up with as a child. If we would have lived with it as a child I think we would have been able to handle it better.
We can blame modern medicine for keeping us around for a lot longer. And now that exercise is being thrown into the mix we can count on being around for maybe even longer.
We have to learn from these experiences we have with our parents, and hope to remember for our kids sake. I know my boys are not going to have good things to say about living with grandma unfortunately.
Hey, i'm not on any meds yet, but it has crossed my mind, if i could find the time to go see a doc for me I would have a complete physical.
Cheer up MLV I'm with you.

Mlv I know what you mean about when your mother is sick then you get some down time. Same thing here. When she is not feeling too good she becomes more self absorbed so she doesn't have the will or energy to be onto me. I am sorry you are feeling even more down today. I hope you find some way or something (besides the valium...take it easy with that stuff) laughing...to find some happiness or some semblance of joy for yourself today or soon! Hey what about that trip to disneyland that you were talking about? I am suppose to go away today but I am not feeling well so not sure I will go. Get this..my mom asks me are you still going to go away when you are sick (she asks this hoping I won't go) as if I go very far...I need this I am thinking or I will break down. I tell her Im not sure..then she says knowing you..you will go even if you are dying...(I am thinking amen you are right about that)...my next chance will be next week and I get a bit crazy if I can't go for a bit..Take care of you!!!

Decor is your mother always so cold? I know my mother has her moments..and it is true it is her way of operating but there are different levels of her ickiness. I agree we women have to stick together. We know how we really feel and what we really do. Wish you could get away from her for a bit you need some time alone, sweetie...she takes control of every minute.

Mlv...awwwwwwww honey.. it made me sad to see that you were crying. Well, looks like we are all in the same boat! Mold of the mother's handled down to us now. WE must all be caretaker types...nurturing...lucky for them! Ha! Well my mother did come in my room to see how I was feeling. I was feeling real sick this am. Had husband buy breakfast for my dad so I could feed it to him later. Today was egg day and I didn't feel well enough to cook so he bought dad a breakfast sandwich and coffee...got his tray put water, juice, milk, bananas, his breakfast sandwich, his coffee..and am pills and there we go left it all to him. I usually give him his pill after breakfast and make sure he takes them...but not today. I have to shortrcut things and take care of me. It was nice of mom to check on me..but be nicer if she fed him too..oh well,

Decor this all sounds so familiar to me. Must be a running theme among these mom's of ours. Evidently they were unhappy and they have passed these traits to us or that affect us. No matter how good we do by them it is never enough, instead of looking for the good, they look for the negative and bad so they can complain,criticize, cut down. They are so full of negativity it comes out of every pore sometimes. Why do we even bother with them some might ask. I think for me it is because I do love my parents even my mom and I know if I didn't take care of her she would be even more depressed and suffer even more. She hated thinking that noone wanted her. As far as meals. My Mother will not feed my father either. She will cook occasionally when the mood strikes her mostly because she is tired of my cooking etc..remember she is a great cook that has helped me out a few times. But I do not rely on her. She never serves him his meals either. In fact, she doesn't take care of him at all..says her back is bad..which is true but she doesn't have the patience or will to take care of him anyhow. To her him living is a waste of time. She will say she can't wait til the old man goes to a home or dies..so she can be free to go back home to her country. I was also mostly a stay home mom. She has nothing to brag about me either. But, if it weren't for me she would be in hot water...and even she has said it. With the names and ways she has treated me in the past and sometimes even now..she is so very lucky that I take care of her.

Decor426 Let me know you think this is selfish. I can get along better with my mother when she is not feeling good, so I wish her not to feel good, so I can be normal. I just want to be normal. I don't quite know what normal is, but I want that. I keep rehearsing in my head telling my mom and dad, I just don't want to do this any more. I want to be able to go and do what I want when I want. Nothing I say would get through to them. Even a nervous breakdown won't due. They would expect me to come back from that also. I am very depressed this morning. Maybe I need an extra piece of valium. Ha! Ha! Luv ya, MLV

Thanks to you mlv and cindi and shadyldy for caring and showing compassion and love.
Most of the time it feels cold as ice around here. Especially with the ice queen forgive me for being nasty but you can't even approach her with any kindness because she is so cold and negative.
But it is definitely nice and warm in here with all of you.

decor426 Amen to everything you just said. You actually have me crying, because everything you said applies to me also. Followed the stay at home mother thing. I have to reply back to you later. I feel for you honey. LUV mlv

morning ladies, well my Dad is suffering with a headache and won't take anything but will moan and groan about it, I went into his room to give him something for it but he refuses and then my Mom comes in and asks him if he will take a pain pill. I told her he won't take it from me, don't you get he won't take anything. She asked him 5 times.
Don't get me started on the cooking, I do all the cooking but when I am out and am not going to be home by our normal dinner time which is around 5:00 she won't start anything. She will wait for me to get home. Sometimes I start dinner in the slow cooker at noon so I don't have to worry about my Dad eating. She won't even make lunch for him she'll make something for herself and not him.
And the phone she gets mad when the phone rings and its for me, and if i talk for a long while she'll make a comment about how long i talked. And if it rings a few times in the day she gets mad.
There is not one nice thing she has to say about anyone, anything,any place. I am not exaggerating I live in a house of hatred. I am a peaceful person and thats why it bothers me so much.
I also started to have problems with my mom at 16 yrs old. I think she thought I would turn out differently somehow, I followed in her footsteps of being a stay at home mom. So she doesn't have much to brag about when it comes to me, her couple of friends talk about the jobs their kids have and how great their families are but to my mom there is nothing great about me.
I know what i have accomplished and that is why I can walk down the street with my head held high. I believe I have done even more than her.

Mlv
I know all about that I'm going to explode feeling. Last week I was cooking and didn't want to cook. So I am frying some noodles for some chow mein..well mother walks up and finishes them off for me. She fried them til them were so hard I couldn't or didn't know how much broth to put in to soften it up. Of Course if I messed up the chow mein I would hear about it from her. She is a wonderful gourmet quality cook so I often hear how my food is not up to par. Anyways..I was so stinking mad I just looked over how my husband and said I am so fuming mad that I could break something. I could barely breathe. It';s like who told her to help. I had to contain myself and barely made it. I knew then I had to get out soon. Day away soon. Thing is the chow mein turned out real well after all..she knew what she was doing but made my job harder cause I didn't know what to do at that point. I often am pissed at dinner time cause I have to do so much..and the food has got to be good enough. Calgon take me away...permanently! Thank God, I planned for a day away tomorrow. Caregiver will come in at 1:00 to relieve me...

Shady
You beat us I think...at appointment taking! Your mother sounds like she is always on you. Can't even talk on the phone without her listening that is too much. My mom does ask me who I spoke to but she doesn't stand and listen. Reading what you wrote made me think about nursing homes. What would she do if you put her in one. Sounds like she might deserve it...not to be mean or anything but we hardly have a life and then to have to put up with this is too much. Going to your friends for 30 minutes...you need space too. My mother also gives me some grief..but I just try to put up with it.
They can be so ridiculous.

shadyldy Oh MY GOD!!!! you hit the nail on the head about privacy. I only talk to my best friend once a week because she holds 3 jobs. When I am on the phone, it becomes a three way conversation. Who is that? Tell her HI! What's the matter with her? So i gently tell my friend, I will call you back when I can hide in one of my closets, after she falls asleep. I shouldn't have to do that and neither should you. Please don't feel bad about the negativity, Thats all I have in my life, I wouldn't know how to handle anything positive. And I take a grandma dose of valium. It does take the edge off, where at least I don't feel like I'm going to explode. You know that feeling in your chest, when you can't stand to listen to them complain anymore, and you feel like you can scream SHUT UP!!!!!, well the valium helps with that a little. Try some, it can't hurt you. Cut it in half if you have to. God, I love you girls, I feel so much better since I found you.

darn tootin i a make a lot of appts for my mom, and for my son. i go to the drug store so much that they know me on a first name basis. I dont take any antidepressants, but, have been thinking of taking her valium in the morning, lol. she takes two a day, morning and night, may be better if i took the morning one. she may still be the same, but i would be laid back!!! ok, been to the oncologist, the primary care docx2, the eye doc, going to the urologist next week. my sons appts include group therapy once a week, and psychiatrist every two weeks. needless to say, i am the chauffeur for all of this. and heaven forbid i want to go without her, causes all kinds of difficulties. I left to go to a friends house this afternoon for a short while, was back in 30 min, and when i left she said, you are going to keep on leaving me and sometime if i need something i will have to walk to get help. GUILT TRIP always wants me on a guilt trip. makes me ill. and i didnt even like her when i was a kid. she always favored my brother. my best friend told me that i told her once when we were in our twenties, that i just hoped i would live long enough to win my mothers favor, which hasnt ever happened. she still has nothing good to say about me. we had home health for a while, but she would not let the aide do a thing. so, eventually, they had to stop coming. she is just mean and spiteful. i am sorry to be so negative, but it is the way i feel right now. i have no absolutely no, privacy. if i am talking on the phone, she will come and stand near me and listen to every word that i say. which is no big secret, but everyone needs some time for themselves.. so glad that i found you girls to sound off to, someone who doesnt look down on me for having this resentment toward my own mother.

Hey girls, lets count all our doctor appts. including dentist, therapist and trips to the pharmacy, for one month, since thats our lives. I started keeping a calendar so I can show her that she goes to the doctor more than my dad who had 3 strokes. She said you know what you can do with your calendar?

Now my Dad is worried about if I am willing to take him to therapy. I told him that this is my job now I have no other job. He expected my Mom to be doing what I do since she is so much younger then him, but she can't even call in her own meds. When i ask her if she called them in she says "no" and I tell her that there is no reason why she can't then she pittifully says will you call them in for me.
I don't want to take the only little bit of independance but see what she does to herself. I have to say that I have the meanest mother ever she would beat all of the mothers here I swear..... Later girls.

Decor
Im outta time but will write to you soon...hang in there!

Mlv
heck I should count how many appts I take them to also! Good thinking. Yeah, my mother says I don't take care of her either. Cause unlike my dad she doesn't need to be served her meals..and walked and bathed..Geez, she is more work then my dad! I also, get to take my dad to the doctor's today! Woohoo...hehe. Hope Mama stays home so I can sneak in a drive by the beach with Papa..after his appt!

Mlv
I am sitting here cracking up. The comment you made about my mother being your mother. For one thing sounds like they were cast from a similar mold! I take Lexopro 10 mg one a day, but I think I am going to ask the doctor if I can increase it to 20 mg. I did take 20 mg a ways back but wanted to decrease it myself. Yes, well it sounds to me that maybe our mother's problems are emotional and mental. Very insightful. You probably were born for your mother's sanity but what a toll on you. If it weren't for me my mother would still be in her senior residence. She always wanted to live with one of her kids...especially being asian. It is actually kind of humiliating when noone wanted her. As I mentioned she didn't work out at my brother's. I didn't want her either...took me 1 year to make up my mind after seeing her so unhappy. Before she came here I told her some ground rules also told her if it doesn't work out it will be because of her. I will do all I can but it is her that will have to adapt and not be so picky, critical, controlling etc. It has helped but she is still that way. Sometimes she gets angry when she doesn't get her way or other reasons then she tells me she is going to move back to the senior home. I tell her go ahead whatever she wants to do it is up to her. She thinks by saying that I will feel bad..etc. I don't feel bad though cause I have done EVERYTHING and then some to help her be comfortable and as happy as she can be. Your mother having two nervous breakdowns is a bad indication of her mental emotional nature. I feel for you...and for all of us that are going through this. It isn't fair when we are so good to them. I think it is a great idea you getting away for awhile. My mother also doesn't understand why I need to get away I just tell her I need to get away from everything so that I can be refreshed and be able to continue taking care of daddy and you. I don't want her to feel badly but it is the truth...we all need breaks. I told her even people who work get 2 days off. I need time to spend with my husband. etc..good luck!

Hey girls, guess where I'm going today. To my 18th doctor appointment for this year. And my mom says I don't really do anything for them. Ha! Ha! Got one Thursday too for the both of them. Hate my life. mlv

Good morning gals, I ditto the fact that I can find comfort from all of you. Last night it was my Dad's turn to cause me to get angry. He is starting to get back to walking independently and I need to get him back to therapy so they can work with him and set him up with the right kind of cane. We visited his previous therapist and thats what she said. I set him up an appt. with the Dr. that he needs to go through to get the script for therapy and when I told him he got mad at me. And started to tell me the way he wanted to do it. The therapist does not want me to have any problems with him.
I'm also trying to plan a party for my son. He made eagle scout in Nov. and we have to have his court of honor. Its impossibl to share these things with my Mom because she will tell you she does not care. I also have a graduation this year too. These should be happy times the whole household so be happy and excited.
I know what it is to just run an errand and not want to deal with taking mom anywhere, its only appts for her now because I am in a winter climate and we have had so much ice I was not going to risk a fall with her. She walks like she has broom sticks for legs. So as soon as we gat a break in the weather I will attempt to get her out.
Get this my Mom has a van which she will never drive parked in the driveway and she refuses to sell it, she also has a garage door opener that she will not give to my husband, he can buy one for $45.00 if he needs one she says. She's not using the one she has how mean is that. She hates him because he had no money when I married him which was 20 years ago talk about holding a grudge. He has a great job, goes work doesn't miss a day, is respectful to me. He won't take her bad mouthing and he tells her she hates that too.
Looking forward to reading more from all of you. be back later have to get invites for the party.

Hey Cindi, are you sure your mother isn't my mother? I think my mother has a personality disorder also. Was she that way when you were a child? My brother say that I was born for my mother's sanity. She had 2 nervous breakdowns, when she was young, blamed it on post partum depression. Back then had no name for it. I think shes bipolar. Good idea the gardening thing. Maybe since shes sore now, she will leave you alone tomorrow. Anything to keep them busy. Got lucky today Dancing with the Stars started tonite. She went in her room early and stayed from 7-10 p.m. I'll take anything I can get. My mother is also never happy or if she is she won't let you know. My brothers say everyone in the family dislikes my mother and I didn't realize why until she came to live with me. How much negativity can we stand>? I told my mom today that I would like to put my dad in respite care for a week and for her to go by my brothers for a week so I can go to Disneyworld. She wants to know why I can't take a vacation, where she could come with me. I haven't got the heart to tell her, she is the one I want to get away from. Hey, if you don't mind me asking, what antidepressant are you on that is mild? I have tried a couple, but makes my migraines worse....Luv, MLV

Mlv good that you are taking care of your OCD. Hey, at least your house is clean! Sometimes when I am down I barely have the motivation or energy to clean mine. I have to break it down in steps over a few days. Other days I feel better and I can get a lot accomplished. I do take an antidepressant, mild dose and depression does seem to run in my family. My mother will not take any meds for it though.
I had a garden put in for my mother. It was completed yesterday. Today I took her and Dad to the nursery so she could buy vegetable seeds, plants..etc. She planted out in her garden this evening. She is very sore now. She has a bad back and takes pain meds to manage the pain. Had surgery last year but unsuccessful. Hopefully she will be able to continue gardening. Trying to think of ways to keep her busy so that "the beast" will be at bay. She has never been diagnosed but I think she has some form of BPD. Bordeline personality disorder. Which makes her awful and mean to deal with when she is not happy or less happy then normal I should say. She isn't happy often or doesn't show it if she was. Living around someone like that brings you down and makes it very hard to continue their care...and see to their needs when usually all she thinks about mostly is herself. Good thing I love and she has me cause noone else wants to take care of her or is willing to.

shadyldy wanted to share with you, out of the mouth of babes. You know how you said your mother is the most hateful, mean mouthed old lady. Mine too, she corrects my 12 year old all the time and she is starting to hate it. Well for a while, when I would look at my mom, I was wishing her ill will, if you know what i mean. When, I said it one day in front of my 12 year old, which i didn't mean too, I'm not usually like that, she said "Mom, why can't you just remember the way maw-maw was when you were young and keep that in mind. I said you are right to her, but the truth is its been so long, I can't remember what I loved about them anymore. Thats terrible, isn't it? And I know all about the pouting business, my mom's doing it constantly right now.

thanks for the kind words mlv, and i too feel that i found some help and connection with you ladies. I guess it is that misery loves company? no not really, but it is good to hear how you deal with the same circumstances that i have daily. today, went to drugstore to pick up her daily meds, she was dissappointed that i didnt take her, but it was just a quick trip, and it is just too hard to get her and her walker in and out of my small car. she is pouting, but, it only took me 20 minutes to go and come back. I am preparing for her 90th birthday party, yes, i have to plan it, there is no one else. another chore that i have to do, and she keeps telling me more thing that i need to do, she wants to be in charge. wish she could do it all. keep your chins up girls. luvya

Dear decor426, Cindi, and Shadyldy, I feel like I found just was I was looking for in you girls. I look forward to hearing about your days also. It makes me feel normal again. Went to the Doctor today, forgot to mention I have obsessive compulsive disorder with cleaning. It's not real bad, I just have to go through the same household chores everyday. Never had it before I started taking care of my parents. Doctor says, the reason, is because its the only thing I can control in my life. Makes sense Huh? I'm here and listening if you need me. I check my mail every morning and late at night. My husband says you better not be talking to some man. Notice no men comments. Would like to see some of those who are taking care of someone.

take care mlv3000

There are plenty of things to read on this website, how to get someone to cooperate is the key.