My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Have to be at the therapist tomorrow at 9:30am for dad and Doctor at 2pm for mom. Going to try to get to the hairdresser for myself and get cuts for the boys.
I wish my mom would go to the dentist her teeth are breaking off and her breath is bad but we can't get her to go. One of these days there is going to be so painful that it will be an emergency and I will be embarrassed to take her. She only goes to get her hair cut if I persuade her to go with me, she used to be good about her hair, perms all the time. The last 15 years have been rough and she will not take care of herself. I have told her I believe she is in a depression but she refuses to admit it, she wears the same clothes everyday, lacks sleep, won't take care of herself, not social on her own and naturally complains about everything and everyone. oxoxo Judy
Don't get me wrong, everything you said is the god's honest truth, but.... You don't have your mother or both parents living with you. It is quite hard to ignore or not answer a person who is right on top of you at all times. I'm 46 years old and feel doomed to be doing this the rest of my life. Will take your advice though and try not responding to the bitter, manipulative tactics. I wish, I was back in the situation, where I could just ignore her phone calls or just not respond to her whatsoever.
Girls, Guess how many times I have been to the dentist with my Mother in two years. 46 times. They counted them at the office yesterday. I should have known making crowns for her was going to be a two year thing. They all think shes nuts over there and I am embarrassed to go in the office while she is there. I sit in the car for hours on end, every time I go. But remember, I DO NOT DO ANYTHING.
LOVE, MARYLYNNE
That is what I have found out, though maybe we are all right fighters but I have refused to answer to the smart remarks that my mother likes to dish out. Even though I may be blowing up inside, I'm not giving her what she wants a fight. I know when I'm right and I know what is the best for both of them in their ill position, besides deep down they know that they couldn't do things without our help.
Hey girls, hope your April fools day was happy, no jokes were pulled on me. Took Dad to the therapy Dr. and we are going to therapy 3 times a week in the morning. Here we go again. Friday two appts. one for him and one for her she's already complaining, I feel like telling her " you don't have to ever go again" She's already on my Dad's case too. hope to hear from you girls today. oxoxo Judy
My advice, if to let go, realize you are dealing with a mental illness, not so much your loved one. Don't try to make sense of mental illness, it is what it is, and they will not change. Let go of the guilt and get on with your lives. I finally did after 52 years of abuse.
RL
Dad got up and shaved this morning thought his appt was today but it is tomorrow, big let dowmn for him. I can see within the last 2 months the dementia is setting in.
He asked me this morning how do ppl die in their sleep? I said the brain just tells the heart not to go anymore. He seemed disappointed that he couldn't do it on his own. He's complaining of back pain and at his age they won't do anything for the kidney stones.
Trying to plan the party for my son and mom says I can't wait til its over. She's not doing anything so what does she care. She tried to pick an arguement yesterday but noone would respond to her so it fizzled out. She hates the house we live in shotty builder. I've told her to put a sign out but I know she won't because she would have to give me half the money if we sold it. Well got to get into a shower and start the day glad the boys are back in school now I can get on this thing more. oxoxox Judy
Marylynne, it is urgent that you see some one to help you with the mental pressure that you are enduring. Please try to do so as quickly as at all possible. You owe it to yourself to keep your mind. Now more and more, i think of nursing homes. It would not make you a bad person. nor me, nor cindi, nor Judy. As i am some 20 years older than you girls, i am getting tireder and tireder each day, and i have a lot of living i want to do, before i become incapacitated. You girls need to enjoy your families while they are around. The day has just begun, so thus far, everything is great!!!! (of course that will change as soon as she gets out of bed.) wishing you all peace, and well being today. love you, donna
Donna, ran the errands with husband. Had dad all ready to go with us then mom said where is your dad going. I said remember I told you I had a lot of places to go so I am taking dad with me so you don't say I am leaving him with you. She said no, leave him home it's okay. I asked dad do you want to go with me or stay home of course he said stay home so I left him. We were gone 3 hours we decided to have a quick bite to eat for lunch and brought them home a mini pizza for lunch. Was anxious that she might be upset for us being gone so long. As long as it is her idea that we leave dad she is more okay with it. My mother is on the selfish side. She did take a vow and she probably thinks that her even being around my dad still is a big deal. She has said when my dad passes she is going to go back to her country of origin. My sister and I do not have a relationship right now, but she use to say that is her (moms) husband it isn't our job. She should take care of him...thing is...she doesn't, and won't and now can't. Back problems and she forgets her own meds..but it isn't her type anyways. He is of no benefit to her anymore really so why should she?...(her thinking..plus she has a stupid enough daughter here willing to take care of him so she lets me take the burden). I am glad the party went well and is over for you. Hire a gardener to plant all her lovely plants she got and use her money for it. You did enough already, unless you like gardening. Hope she appreciate you even a small bit. If you mother is sane enough don't see why you can't leave me for a while especially for your sanity. She needs to listen about the walker etc. If not it is her choice.
Marylynne, prayer is great...good idea it has to help us even a small bit. I agree with you that it sounds like you have had just about all you can take. Might be a good idea to run it past a professional like a psychiatrist (good one) or couselor or both! Maybe, you just can't do this anymore...take care of them like this in your home. Perhaps, they need to be in assisted living. Can they afford that? You could still be there for them just in a different way. And, if they won't let you see them or do for them if they go into an assisted living...then that is really their choice and nothing to do with you. You must take care of you at all costs right now, you said yourself you are at the edge. I will also pray for you and for all of us. As far as your dad, I think sometimes they wish they could do things such as that but it is only wishing. They know deep down they can't.
Cindi, go with your hubby to do the errands. your mom may not want to, but it is in all reality, her place to take care of your dad, after all, she vowed to stand by him for better or worse, thru sickness and health. She sounds like a very selfish lady. Quit catering to her whims. And tell her you are going to. sometimes it is easier to do that than to simmer inside til you blow a fuse. And by the same token, you vowed to take care of your hubby, quit putting him and the kids on the back burner for this ungrateful brat. She is just manipulating you to see how far she can push you. i know, mom does me the same way.
The birthday party is over, thank heavens. i am trying to catch up on my rest today before another week of running to docs etc. I have decided that i will leave her here more, as there is no reason for me to sit and watch her watch soap operas on tv. The only fear i have is that she will fall, and that would look very bad for me. but she wont listen. we have steep steps on the back porch, and she insists on going down them, sans walker, just because i told her not to. all these old women are the same. mean ungrateful old witches. Hope you all do ok today. hope i dont lose it with my mom too.......and by the way, people brought her a rose bush, 40 canna bulbs, 20 daylily bulbs, sooooooooo, guess who is obligated to put this crap out???????? i can hardly wait. luv, donna
Hard am for me already. Blew a fuse at husband but was all about being overwhelmed. Stepped on dogs foot tried not to knocked over dad's milk, oj, water all over his tray and then I lost it. Didn't want to do the dang breakfast anyways. Don't feel like taking care of anyone. Told husband to let the dog out and had to deep breathe so as not to break something or do something. Was so angry and upset with my life situation it was all I could do to contain myself. Told husband I am going to have to get away today. Only do and care for my dad some for my mom but as little as possible. No extra here from me today. Husband said yeah, don't help anyone. I said well I have to. He said no...you don't have to. I hate when he does that. He is referring mostly to my mother who is capable of taking more care of herself then she does. I am also guilty of taking care of husband though too. So right now I am having breakfast in front of this computer as I write you all and told him he will need to make his own breakfast today. Every man for himself except Dad. Asked him if it would be okay to leave parents with him...he said yes after he does his errands. He actually wants me to go with him. Don't know whether to leave dad home with mom while we are gone. Sometimes I do but only for short amounts of time. She told me before that she does not want to take care of my father. If it were up to her he would still be in the nursing home. He was in one for 6 months after his hospitalization. I had to wait for my knee replacement surgery and rehab before I could take him out of there. She didn't really want me to take him out. It will be two years with me in June for him. Don't like it when my harmony is broken in the morning sets the tone for the whole day. Gloomy here as well...weather wise. Well, I wish you all well with a smoother Sunday then mine has been so far.
To my other caregiving friends here...Judy, Donna, hope your weekend is going as well as it can. I hired the caregiver today and went out with my husband. Trying to balance time with everyone. We went to see a movie "Married Life." Interesting a bit slow in areas. I usually go to movies to unwind..etc. We went out to lunch (Macaroni Grill). My friend's daughter served us, it was nice. Then went to girlfriend's house and visited with all of them for a short while. Then, back home to rush and make dinner. Pork chops and cauliflower. I told husband I wish we could stay out longer. I also wished I didn't have the responsibility to my parents that I now have. But wishes are just that...wishes. If only wishes came true by wishing them. Husband and I took mom out real early to the harbor so she could get fresh seafood. Then over to farmers market. She likes that. It kept her busy all day. The more even keeled I keep her the less the beast comes out. Told husband there is a method to my madness! She later complained that my fry pans all have teflon coming off and it is unhealthy and what kind of a nurse am I? I use to work as an LVN...many moons ago. Only use my nursing knowledge on my parents now...lucky them huh? I was so tired my response was...I am a nothing nurse. She has nothing to say to that. Complaints critisms...many time I tell her I am doing the best I can with what I have. That is all I can do. Been real tired all day. Husband too. Maybe my allergies are running me down. Night girls...hope you all have a good Sunday and hope the parents are better.
My mom was one who depended in my Dad to make all the decisions, so simple things are hard for her to figure out. She can be smart if she wants to but it has become so easy for her to leave things up to me. Instead of our mom's having the time to figure out what they were going to do when the husbands got sick we stepped in and all seemed well they didn't have to deal with what the needs of their husbands were. I hold alot of resentment toward my mom for letting herself get that way. You probably do to. So make a list I'm pretty sure that if you come up with some things that she can still be in control of she will lighten up and tell her that she'll be helping you feel better. Take care sweety thinking of you, Judy
Cindi, can tell you paid attention in your counceling sessions lol I wish we all lived closer to each other we could have a girl's night out we deserve that much. oxoxo Judy
Donna, hope the party was a success, sounds like you need to lay down the law too sorry you had such a hectic day hope tomorrows better. oxoxo Judy
Hope you all are hanging in there and doing okay. Marylynne, I read your posting earlier this evening and have been thinking about you. There are so many things I want to say that I don't even know where to begin. Our mothers are similar. It took me ten years of counseling off and on and 3 separation of time from my mother to be where I am today which is healthier and stronger yet still struggling. It is better then before but it is very difficult. I see so much of myself, and my sister in you. I see so much of my mother in your mother. I do feel I can empathize with you. I actually reread all your postings here to get a better sense of you and your mother because I felt badly about what you last wrote. I wanted to try and help. This is what I am sensing. Your mother is emeshed with you. It's like you both are spaghetti in a bowl together. Don't know where your mother ends and you begin and vice versa. You are a comfort to her. She doesn't want to give you space you might go away. She thinks she needs you by her near her or she might not be able to survive well. She is emotionally needy. She probably never had her own emotional needs met from her mother. She was probably too busy giving to her mother (who knows) or else her mother wasn't there for her did not nurture her the way she needed so now she seeks it from you. She will never admit to you how much she feels she needs you. That would give you too much power. Controlling people want the power. That is why she never tells you or gives you credit for all you do and have done. That would make her obligated to you and defer her power. She discredits what you do so she will feel she is in control of you. The more she tells you that you don't hardly do or have done anything the more you will do to try to prove to her that she is wrong. She takes advantage of your kind hearted goodness and your personality. Somewhere along the line our mother's must have ingrained in us that we are suppose to take care of them. That if we took care of them then we would be good loving daughters. You mentioned how she said she took care of her mother for 34 years (and how she didn't do nearly as much as you.) My mother use to tell me that if she could of she would have taken care of her mother. She couldn't cause she was sold away. So, of course I grew up thinking I better take care of my mother. In the beginning you showed your love and devotion and went overboard thinking it was a good thing. You slept on hospital floors pregnant, When they were sick you would be close to them so you could help. You balance your kids, husband and your parents all through the years putting parents way up there on the list. It was like an obsession to be the good, loving, giving sweet daughter always there for the parents. Your mother is good at guilt giving and manipulation. She would use it on you and still does to get what she wants or needs or things she deserves. She feels entitled. You are suppose to take care of her and dad and they should be above all else especially above yourself. You must be selfless. You have let her do this or make you feel this way. You felt bad earlier on knowing that your mom suffered two nervous breakdowns and was mentally and emotionally challenged especially since it had to do with having the breakdown due to having children. Was one of the nervous breakdowns after you were born? Do you feel responsible? So, you felt badly for her and you took care of her...and took care of her and took care of her til now you have nothing left. You gave and she gladly took until you got resentful and didn't want to give as much but she made you feel guilty if you didn't. As far as your father you felt responsible for him too. You loved your parents so you were gonna take care of them. Whatever they needed you would be there. As you said you were in it til the end. What does that mean anyway? It is normal to want to help your parents. It is not normal or healthy to help your parents all these years and especially now when it costs you dearly....costs you your physical health, your emotional health etc. I know in this situation it is going to be a sacrifice for you and for all but, when is it okay cost and when is it overboard cost? You have given over yourself, only you can change this. Now you are so burnt out that anything you do is too much. Your mother not being the kind to compliment or appreciate, the kind that complains and criticizes makes it worse. You question why do you go on yet you question how can you stop. You referenced how the only way is to cut off the relationship totally. What if you let your mom decide that. What if you put the cards on the table, nicely and see what your mother does. I learned that in this and many situations I can only control myself. I cannot control my mother. But I can control myself, decide myself, do it myself. She might not like it..she might not change, she might not want anything to do with me. But, at least I am being true to myself and trying to take care of myself, try to be healthy...and be able to be there for them at the same time. Does that make any sense? You are not being a bad person by telling your mother what you need. What you can or cannot take. How things cannot continue like they have been or otherwise you are not going to be okay...that you are not okay and if you are not okay you can't help anyone cause you won't even be able to help yourself..no good to yourself..no good to anyone. She is an unhappy person. Your father is of no use to her and hasn't been for some time. I sense she would feel guilty putting him in a nursing home and that is why she hasn't done it. She would rather him die so she wouldn't have to feel guilty. She is not happy so she wants to be with you. She is an emotional drain to you. She won't tell you but you are her everything..and that is not healthy for her and especially for you. You are right you should have set boundaries a long time ago. You have spoiled her and your dad most likely. But it is never too late. It is just gonna shake everything up for sure. I hope you find a way to take care of you and be there for parents in the way that you can. Not letting her guilt you anymore. You know what you do. So does she deep down. She is scared. She has leaned on you emotionally all these years and that is not YOUR responsibility. She has committed what I call emotional incest. She didn't know it....didn't mean to do it.. but she did and has and does. She only things about herself. Narcissistic. You told her if she were any kind of mother she wouldn't do these things to you. Well, the roles are reversed. You are like her mother...you have taken over the emotional nurturing of your mother which is not your job...it is her job...and it was her mother's job to meet normal emotional needs. If her needs weren't met it is up to her to get them met herself...not have you handle everything for her so life is easier for her and she doesn't get frazzled etc. While you find yourself dying a bit each day, taking valium want to crash..wanting to drink wanting to not come home, wanting her to die and have it all end. Yet not knowing if you would be okay even if she passed away. All we know is chaos, negativity..etc. What the heck would we do without it?! I say enough is enough is enough. Put dad in respite care of a week, hire someone to stay with mom (according to her needs and what is affordable, tell the caregiver not to contact you unless it is a life emergency...and go to Disneyworld. Tell mother that you need a break time away with your kids, hubby etc...and time away from the responsibilities of caregiver. Nothing to fight about. That is what you need that is what you are going to do...you will leave someone to care for her...(would not have your brothers do it they are undependable)...Take back your power...your own god given right power over your self. She said you have changed...well yes you have...after 20 years and especially the last two years..you are on the brink of a breakdown yourself..and you need to do what you need to do to take care of you...you will try to incorporate that with taking care of them and your family too..so things are about to change around there...you need to be okay. And if that means you go to disneyworld, dad goes to respite and mom has a caregiver for a week so be it. If that means house addition..so be it...I hope I have helped.. I apologize in advance for sounding preachy I just don't know how to say it without just saying it. God Bless you Marylynne..and your mother, father, husband and kids...
After days of explaining the cane and therapy situation to him and again this morning he finally said "well why didn't you say so" I wanted to slap him. He thought I was being mean. Oh Well, just another day in the CRAZY house. LOL OXOXOX judy
Marylynne, hope you are feeling better today.
Just got in a bit ago. Hard situation with your dad. I mean it is hard on all of you including dad. Does he have anywhere private that he can do that? Evidently he still has sexual release needs. Can he lock the door when he does it behind the sofa? You mentioned he uses the urinal behind the sofa maybe that is why he masterbates there too. Thinking that is the private place. Could you ask daughter not to go into the room without knocking and asking permission to enter that room where your dad is? Until you addition is finished you all are in eachother spaces that is hard on everyone. How far is the addition away from rest of family? Is it inclusive having kitchen, bathroom, bedroom etc so it's like their own apartment? I hope you get better soon. You have had the flu for awhile and that makes it hard to take care of anyone else. Hope your mom's shoulder is not too bad and getting better. Perhaps you should talk to dad yourself about the situation. I had my day away today. Got a much needed haircut and color, saw the movie Penelope it was cute. Got to have dinner with a friend that I haven't seen in 7 months. It was a nice day. Earlier I ran around like a chicken vacuuming, mopping, cleaning their bathroom, taking care of them, cooking dinner cause I wasn't gonna be home. I long for time soon when I won't have to do anything...like going away on a vacation. But, for now this is good. Planning on going out more the next week things have come up. Concerned about the money to pay caregiver etc though. Tomorrow is excercise I go to Curves with a friend 3 days a week to release stress and tension. Haven't been going lately. Physical Therapy for Mother tomorrow. Will bring dad with me while we wait for over an hour for her. Think I'll bring in dinner tomorrow.
Judy, I hope you feel better tomorrow. Sorry, you had a crappy day. I had one of those the other day. Your father probably just wanted to complain about the soup. Good of you to make a whole pot of chicken soup just for him..what a nice daughter. I also have thought recently about hurting myself while driving in my car. I guess those are our down days. We must try not to think that way...but sometimes....Good night...
Marylynne
I had a crappy day yesterday. While I was out to the grocery store I thought about just driving my car into something and maybe that would be the end of me . I don't want to do this anymore I'm tired of not cooking the right thing for Dad I have 5 others to cook for. Meals are always a problem. Didn't even want to deal with him yesterday tried ingnoring him. Didn't want to offer him lunch.
Heated up the soup he had the day before that he complained the beans were to hard, and he asked me what kind of soup it was minestrone he liked it today GO FIGURE he didn't even remember he had had it the day before. Made him a big pot of CHICKEN SOUP his own personal pot he can eat it til the cows come home. Made spagetti for the rest of us.
He lays in his room and moans and groans I wish the doctor could see what I have to go through everyday. But no when they go to the dr. they don't act that way they just want to talk to the dr. and take up all his time. I have to stop my dad from talking about frivales things and tell him what you are really hear for. AGHHHHHHHHHHHH I thought about you girls all day.
He even tried to get my oldest to drive him to the medical supply place to get the cane he thinks he can use, because I am waiting to see if they recommend that one when we start therapy I won't buy it for him. My son told him "grandpa you can't get in my car."
Today I have to get stuff for pasta salad that my husband has to bring to work tomorrow. I am just not motivated today. Hope you all have a great day I'm going to try oxxox Judy
Thank you for the compliment, Marylynne about my speaking your feelings as well.
Drove Mom and Dad to her neurosurgeoun appt 90 minutes away. Made dinner before I took her. Was smarter made the appt in the am so we didn't have to wait 3-4 hours. Afterwards went to a liquor store bought her lotto, then out to the asian market place for lunch and shopping. Parents treated me to lunch.
Back home...Mom is making some asian dishes vegetable ones..and I am here sorting out the bills for husband to pay tonight and reading what you all wrote and reading the aging.com newsletter. Need to go serve dinner to family. Then husband said it was okay to go get some tea with my friend, Diane. Parents will be fed before I go so not much more to do except he will give my dad his bedtime pills.
my moms latest nag is at me. she wants me to cut my hair off short, says old women do not wear long hair. well, this old lady does. first of all, i do not have the time nor the inclination to mess with perms and rolling and gelling and all the crap that goes with short hair. i just put mine up and let it go at that. but at least today i have, by the grace of God, gotten along well. it is bed time, so will close, glad to see you here again sjohnson, you are the one who started this and it has been a life saver for me and i think for judy, cindi, and marylynne, thanks for that. love you girls, donna
Doc says that Dad will have to take antibiotics and nasal spray. Mom always goes along what for I don't know she is no help. I know what you mean about saying the wrong thing to them we are young snots, bratty and disrespectful and THEY know everything and we THINK we know eveything.
MLV, I give my Dad a stool softener once a week, he concentrates on going soooo much and he is sooo discriptive when he does or doesn't. He'll come out of the bathroom and say it was just wind.
My Mom wouldn't tell me if anything is wrong she supposedly had a bladder infection and didn't say anything then she had the stroke and the hospital asked her how long she had had it and she said two months.
this mornings argument was over a shirt that my Dad said was not his but it is. Since he can't see its real tough.
sjohnson9 I believe the Lord has given us these jobs because we are strong enough to handle them. In some way we are and we have to believe in ourselves, I know we are all doing the best that we know how. MLV I'm with you girl we give each other strength. I think of all of you girls everyday I believe we have meet each other for a reason and there are others out there just like all of us. OXOXOX Judy
Cindi, my day started out just as well. I'm sick with the flu since Sunday night, but continuing the daily grind. Bought Dad a new electric razor for Easter, He is on his 5th one that he has ruined and insists I bring each one back. Well this one is no different, only has it one day and wants me to bring it back. Said if you don't want to bring it back he will ask one of my no-care sister-in-laws to do it. Like they are saints. They won't even keep them for one day. Went BOLISTIC. Then he plays havoc with his bowels taking immodium one day and crying because he can't go the next. Told my mother I can't take this any more. She thinks he is the problem, He thinks she is the problem. I got news for them, ITS BOTH!!!. I don't know if you can say this on this website by I wished, not out loud, that they would both drop dead. Then I feel guilty. I don't feel guilty telling you that I wished this because I have been pushed to this point. To the point of no return. He says hes going to live till she dies. She is only 80 and all her family has lived well into their 90's and he is 83 and has had 3 strokes. Don't think I'm going to make it until the addition is finished. HELP! I just needed to get that off my chest. And Cindi, my husband says, my mom was just a spoiled child and now she sits on her throne giving orders. So, I know about the queen thing. LUV, Marylynne