Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

my new years resolution, do not expect anything to be done unless you do it yourself. She is kinda ticked I am not cooking a big meal she is fixing a sandwich right this minute. When my husband gets home I will heat up the left overs and she will eat again. Its not that I don't want her to eat its the fact that it never occurs to her that we are working and it would be so nice to have a nice hot meal that I didn't have to rush around to make. She will fix herself something but not us so I am going to do the same thing. I could see if she wasn't able to get around but she has as much energy as I have just not the compassion but suppose to have all the compassion and the love in the world for her. How do you love someone that doesn't even acknowledge you in your own house unless they want something from you? Does that make me mean?

Neon, looks like you had a really bad day. We all have those here. Hope things are better for you. I get depressed off and on too. Once a month it lasts 3 to 5 days. Im on my fifth day. I think it runs in my family and comes with the territory. I do take an antidepresssant. It helps keeps me from staying down too long. It's gloomy here today which doesn't help. I need a break here soon haven't had one in awhile. Hope you all had a nice New Years. Hope we have the strenght to continue on. God Bless us all.
Take Care
Cindi

I have been taking care of my parents for 10 years. My father passed in July at 92 yrs. old and had many health issues and dementia. He was very head strong and impossible to control. However one doctor from an ER visit put him on anti-anxiety meds and it made all the difference in the world. He would watch T.V. besides sports and began to read. It didn't cure all his anxieties but was much easier to live with.
My 94 year old mother sounds like an angel after reading many entries. It's hard not to get depressed when you can't take care of yourself anymore. My parents let me become there parent, but it wasn't easy.
God be with all of us

Just to let you all know and God forgive me everytime I see my mother sitting in her chair sleeping or she gets up later than her usual 11 a.m. I pray this is the day she is finished. I have had thoughts of putting a piillow over her face but have watched enought CSI shows to know there would be paticula hemmoraging don't know about the spelling. I take so many drugs I feel like Alice in Wonderland only it isn't a wonder anymore. If I don't take some of them I could bite her head off chew it up and spit it out. That is why I stay away so much. Than there is her sister who emails me to tell me how to do things because I am such a ^*(&^$$ idiot I suppose that is why they rely on me so much or perhaps its just so much laziness that runs in the family everyone is too lazy to get off their duff to do anything. Yes, I'm having a moment. It too will pass but we all have them if you are "trying" to care for someone who has always wanted to be in control over you, but doesn't have the power anymore, I keep my power or I will be in the nut factory although there are days I think I'm already there. Yes, someone asked do you ever feel alone. Yep, yep yep, every single day of my life, even when there are people "sitting" in the same room one is into tv the other one is to or sleeping or eating or just sitting, doesn't have a clue whats going on. Its all about movie stars, casey anthony and anything else that doesn't matter. I want to live in the real world while I still can. I have to leave now neon

Thanks Neon,
for your support and imput. I am here off and on just not as much anymore. Perhaps, Donna is right maybe I got better or just haven't gotten real upset enough to vent about it. But, I'm sure it will happen again! Comes with the territory. I did finish the book "Narcissitic Mother" It did give me even more insight into why I feel, act and am the way I am...and why Mother and even sister is the way they are. I think the book helped me. The ten years of counseling helped too.

Have a nice day.
Cindi

Neon, I do know what you mean by tv world and the eniquer paper. That is all grandma does. We went as far as getting a box put on the fuse box so if we lose electricity that at least the tv will work, along with the furance and the other stuff.

Gee Shadyldy131 I hope I wasn't one of the new ones if so well I know what to do. Just try to be uplifting. Don't you think we all hate the person we are giving care to?

I am sorry you feel that way everyone is entitled to their opinion but I guess for some if the opinions aren't the same just like in the real world and with the care givers they are a nusiance.

Have a great rest of the holiday everyone and hang in there! I'm outta here

hello all and hope all of you had a good Christmas. i know how cindi feels and marylynne we were on this site for a long time and became quite close and knew each others problems and feelings. Judy too. then a lot of new people came and somehow made us feel as tho we were monsters complaining all the time and having resentment and hate toward our "poor" elderly mothers. I still have the same feelings, but i guess i am just tired of complaining and have tried to make the most of life the way it is. good luck to all of you. i seldom come to the site any more, maybe it helped me, and i am doing better with the way things are.

Cindi, don't give up on this site, we all need each other. In a way we are all writing books I always said I needed to write one. Ha this is my chance. We can't pick our siblings and unfortunately most of them don't respond when their parent needs them because of what the parent did when they were growing up. I sometimes wonder if I am stupid or compassionate as I was and am the oldest and the worst was done to me but I am a forgiving person and will always strive to do my best and fall short at least ten times a day. But I like who I am and wouldn't want to be my siblings. Its easy to see others faults but they are just protecting themselves. Me unfortunately my mouth does my protecting I call em like I see em. My mother used to always say the truth hurts and she finds out about once a week it really does so unless you are ready to back it up Mom don't say it. Its easy to sit and critisize but hard to get off your ass and prove me wrong. Oh well thats life, Mom lives in TV world and those enquirer paper worlds me I'm not interested I have too much in the real life to do so we have nothing in common but its always been that way. I bought myself a new top yesterday and was going to wear it to go out last night, left it in the bathroom she hurried in there and took a finger nail file and put a real big hole in it. So sad. oh well dont leave the site Cindi we need you cuz we all need to vent and need each other.

neon

Hi Sha, I am here although not often. Thank you for asking for me. Somehow, posting here and even reading has lost some of its appeal to me. I hope you all had a great Christmas. Marylynne, Donna, Judy, Sha, Ply, I think of you and get your emails. All is okay here for now. It goes up and down. Dad finished his radiation on his right leg. Next week he goes to the radiologist/oncologist for recheck. Got smart and went out for Christmas meal. Brunch at the beach in a lovely resort hotel. Mom even liked it. Got the idea from one of the leaders/trainers at curves. She does that every year. Felt like I was getting away with something. Daughter is home. She will be leaving tomorrow though. Visiting with relatives in Los Angeles tomorrow day. She is leaving at night. I wish she would stay longer but she doesn't have a bedroom anymore I gave it to Mother. Daughter sleeps in living room on a sofa chair bed. I think she doesn't stay cause she doesn't have a room of her own anymore plus she likes to go back to her apartment and be near her bf I guess. I do feel a bit bad for giving Mother daughter's room. But daughter is seldom here and it seemed reasonable. I have a small house 3 bedrooms. Dad is in one bedroom, Mom in the other. My sister did not have Christmas nor Thanksgiving with us. In fact, she is not speaking to us. The drama and ongoing situations here could make for a good soap opera.

Take care my friends
Cindi

Kycady, when I found my birth siblings, I was happy cause I was finally going to have brothers and sisters. Well, of all of them, only one talks to me. After all, I guess I really don't need them in my life. You are a better person for doing all that u can for your birth father even if it is sad that he came to u at the end. It is funny how life turns out sometimes.
Neonwocky, like u, I was determined to have a good Xmas and we did. It was great to see the kids all excited opening their presents and my mom too. I call her my little girl since that is what she has become. All in all, it was good.
I hope everyone had a great xmas and that we all have a great new year. God knows what we can endure. Happy New year to everybody.

kycady and beverly, Yes, there are a lot of us. Mine tried to start some trouble and self pity crap yesterday but I nipped it in the bud, she hopes santa brings me a good dose of a sense of humor, LOL I have one I really do but I also call them like I see them. You know the truth hurts, when she found out I wasn't falling for the poor me stuff she got herself in order and acted like a normal person. I was bound and determined no one was going to ruin my christmas. My son was over to help me this old gal can't do what she used to do and unfortunately and sadly my mother is jealous of our relationship. I have a brother she idolizes and nothing is his fault its all his wifes NOT it;s her own doing but she will never see it My brother never calls, writes, sends a card nothing I told him what I thought about that to and my sister in law said she would write me a long letter soon. ?? maybe

Good for you Kycady stand your ground do whats right and it always works out unfortunately we have to deal with the ones that will never get it but the ride is worth it in the end.

haven't heard from sunshine or anyone else hope you are all doing well and making it

Merry Christmas in spite of all the hard work, frustration and depression we never know if this is the last one and I love the faces on the kids to much to let it go yet. I hope the new year will be better for some of us. Sad to say but when our elders pass we will be a bit more at peace for knowing what we did no matter how hard it was the right thing to do.

Take time for yourself. neon

Need to vent forum is so quiet... hope no one minds me posting here... I am the lady who takes care of her birthfather... (after everyone in his life stopped calling him, he started calling me - long story short... he wanted to move in with me... it's 6 years later... he has Alzhmeirer's, cancer, and always a strong dose of self-importance...but, we manage...) My vent is his horrible family. They never call him anymore now that he is no longer a "big shot" in Las Vegas & just an old man with his daughter. I really thought I was getting a family that I never had (my grandparents raised me... both died by the time I was 23... they were on my mother's side... and wonderful... my fathers grandmother was the only one that really tried to stay in touch... a very sweet lady). Well, I called them the other night (mistake) and told them they really should've been there for him a lot more since he was there for them (my cousin) while he had his marbles. I started getting outrageous, nasty, foul-mouthed, drunken calls from him & his livein boyfriend. The 1st one came at about 9 that evening.... I called back & his boyfriend kept screaming at me that my father was not their problem... in very foul language... so I kept calling till he let the answering machine click in... then, I calmly corrected him on his very nasty comments & told him NEVER TO CALL AGAIN. That night the phone rang at 3am... I turned the ringer off... the next day I had FIVE calls from my cousin - drunk as a skunk - screaming at me, saying horrible things about me... well, I considered the source, even though it shook me up... and let my father hear these ravings. He sort of understood & said, "you are all I got; they were never there for me, just wanted stuff from me"... then he called them and said (with my blessings) as my cousin picked up the phone "F- You, don't bother me & my daughter anymore." My cousin was flabbergasted and just muffled "ok" (probably had a heck of a hangover)... then I put call block on the phone.... you can't pick your relatives... now I know how lucky I've been to NOT have known these rude, sad people! And, for the first time since I've know & taken care of my father (for 6 years only)... I was proud of him for sticking up for me... since he usually plays the middle & won't say much of what he feels. Anyway, trying to find a restaurant that's open.... have a good holiday all!

I can't believe there are so many people going through what I am.I also don't have any help even though I have a brother who my mom worships & he only comes for 3 hours a week & his good deed is done for the rest of the week.I'm really glad to know there is alot of people going through this too.This really helps.
B.B.

Hi Lauri

I am so sad for you my heart aches for you. I too had to put my mom in law in a nursing home and it is dismal. Depending on her capabilities perhaps you can take her out once in awhile to eat or to the mall just wheel her around, My mom in law looked forward to those days, sometimes I went in and did her hair and lotioned her shaved her legs things that do not get done at the NH. In time she will accept it and you must to. I don't look forward to sending my own mother there if and when the time comes. But I will if I need to survive. I am alone in this to no other siblings to help they live out of state. But that was my choice. I know it is hard but please try to enjoy the holiday season, None of us know how many more we will be able to enjoy and you are blessed because you are such a caring loving person. Chin up and smile you would be surprised what will come your way, get some rest and buy a pretty new shirt if you can and try to be happy. your mom is at the end of her life, do what you can before you know it you will be there to. The older you get the faster it goes I didn't believe that when I was a kid it was like forever for Christmas to get here now its here before I know it. I say didn't we just do that?? Love and hugs to you neon

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site -- new (1 year) to caregiving for my mom but it sounds like I've found my "soul mate" caregiving sisters!

I've been crying nearly non-stop since my mom got put in nursing home this past week -- and worse, she thought I put her there -- a place she doesn't like because it is "dismal". ANY place other than the Beverly Hills hotel in CA would be dismal to mom: she has "champagne taste" (using our money and caregiving) with out a pot to pee in (crude, I know).

I see that I'm not alone and, despite my doubts, it DOES make me feel better. Not that you all are going thru the same hard stuff but that we can also laugh and poke fun and inject a little "dark humor" into the situation.

As a bonus, I get to read SOLUTIONS from you all -- or at least creative suggestions instead of enduring backseat driving and criticism from my brothers and in-laws (?!?!!) who disagree with everything I do....

LOL -- Lauri

My mother also has severe hearing loss and couldn't tolerate a hearing aide so we were advised to get a "Comfort Duett" hearing device, which has a receiver that clips on her clothing, and ear phones which are light. We use it when she wants to hear what is going on, like religious programs on TV, or a visitor, and it works beautifully. Search the net for sales - we found one for half the price that audiologist charged.

Sha, Oh my god, when my mom is mad at me, usually, my hearts starts beating fast and I am miserable till she talks to me again, but.....when my husband is around she won't cross my door path. Thats why I was happy. If it would have happened any other day when hubby was working, I would have been miserable.

My brothers are horrible also. Told mom I was taking a trip to Disney, either around Mardi Gras time or Easter. Told her to call her dear sweet sons and see if they would take her and dad for a week? NOT!!! I told her if not, she would have to put dad in respite care for a week and she go stay with one of her golden boys who don't do a crappin thing for her.

Keep talking, I'm listening and loving that we are all wishing are parents ill, will.

Love,
marylynne

Hi Neon,
You are to be commended for opening your heart to this little girl. You will make such a difference in her life. And you might not know it now, but she will make a difference in yours. Right now, she is what keeps you afloat. The welfare of a child brings out the best in us. I used to babysit in my home and I like to think I made a difference in those children's lifes by my example. God bless you. Enjoy the play.

I think it will be a good day for me and Mom. You see, my daughter will be out of the Navy in 6 months and she and I just drove up to Massachusetts from Virginia with all her worldy goods and today we are helping her get settled in. My son-in-law has been out of the Marines since August and was living with me, then bought the condo about 35 miles away and has been living on an air mattress...no other furniture in the house! So it's a happy day all around. I'll fill you in when I get back!
Glad you like my user name....it DOES say it all!
Love to you and all the girls,
Sha

Oh Bittersweet, Good luck today, hope everything goes smoothly, I detest moving I guess because I move people in and out all the time. Thank God for my husband and son. My mother always gets jealous when I do something for my son and his family?? Where did we come from we are so unlike the last generation and they supposedly raised us? My prayers are with you all, Yes, I've thought about gunning that excellerator and hitting a brick wall many times. But don't want to hurt my car LOL. If I couldn't get away I'd really be in a pickle. Tonight I go to the elementary school and see the play my little girl, the one I mentor is in, hoping to see some of her family, talk about dysfunctional. Seems I want to take on more why is that? Hope to make a difference in some little persons life so I know there isn't another female out there that has to take stuff from others. Her mother is in prison, for what I don't know her father well I guess that's a book unto itself, but I guess I'll do anything not to come home. I love my home but there is no peace in it right now. What a shame to work your fingers to the bone to continue to deal with the same thing over and over, I wonder about my brother how can he not have a conscience? Well, mine was bred in me from 2 on up GUILT GUILT GUILT couldn't do anything without feeling or made to fee guilty. Please have a good day bittersweet. I love your username it says it all at least to me it does.

Good morning girls,
Marylynne you made me laugh when you were happy when your mother was not talking to you. When my mother is mad at me I'm very upset because she is such a bitch when she is mad. I try to keep the peace all the time. It's wearing me down.
Miak, don't think I haven't thought about faking my death or better yet, I thought of driving my car into a tree when she is my passenger with the hopes it would kill her.
Neon, sounds like we have the same brother. Why do so many brothers and sisters turn their back on us? We are the ones taking the load and no one wants to lend us a hand. It's OK, I always say "God doesn't sleep".
I took today off from work to go help my daughter move into her new condo. Mom is coming, of course, let's hope it's a good day.
Hope all of you have a good day today.
Love to all,
Sha

Amen, but I did get a clean bathroom today after I hid the oven cleaner I wonder which part of the bathroom you clean with oven cleaner. Yes, I sent my brother a card last week and told him I haven't heard from him in a year and half if he doesn't want to meet me half way than I will drop it Its not about mom its about me. so we will see. I am sure I won't hear from him so be it. I had supper ready when I got home to so you see she can do it and she feels better when she does but golly getting her to do something is like raising the titantic. Wouldn't you know from the argument this week end my stomach was all in nots and burning and I couldn't eat. So you have it. We all need paddles in this stream of muddy water. Its like a huge roller coaster and I am sure she will out live me to. Its like all our lives are mirrored. I am seriously thinking about getting some counciling. I am going to a hypnotist next month to stop smoking maybe he can make me stop feeling and thinking to. LOL

hi bitter sweet im still here in this Fn hell hole i live in im just like you only i fight with dad. he told my sister that the reason my husband hasnt been up to see him i a wont let him because im jealous of him. OH MY GOD he is demented, my husband doenst see him becasue he hates him and he has worked the last 16 days in a row at 14 hours each day. we must all have the same christmas wish haha i use to wish my dad would die now im the one who wishes to die i asked my hjusband if he would tell my dad i was killed in car crash just so i wont have to deal with my dad. as long as i dont collect the life insurance is it still illegal? what a thing to day dream about faking my own death. what a waste of time. this whole life of mine is a waste of time except for my kids and my husband . I havnt written much because its the same old crap just a different day. and the year of 2008 is going fast i never thought last year at this time i would be here in this house with that asshole still alive. thing have to change thats for sure. talk to you ladies later . miak

Dear Sha,

I think I wrote what you just wrote, everyday. Me, you and Donna, must be sisters. I had a big fight with mom yesterday and have been wishing her dead ever since, even though, I know God will retaliate on me. I also, wish myself dead for relief. Yesterday when we fought, was the only day of peace I have gotten in months. She ignored me totally. I Loved it. When I have company everyone ignores her, because they know she is the cause of my unhappiness and she still don't get it.

Love,
Marylynne

Hi Girls,
Lots of new ladies here...Hi to all of you.
Good to see Marylynne here again, Cindi, Miak, Judy, where are you?
Donna, everytime I read your postings, I think I was the one who wrote it. I wish my mother dead all the time. In fact, I keep hoping when I get home at night, I'll find her dead on the floor. But, like you, I'm sure she will outlive me. I'm on the verge of writing to all my good for nothing brothers and giving them a piece of my mind for not being any support to me. As long as they don't have to do anything they are happy. I'm so sick of it. I don't even care if they never talk to me again. They are of no value to me anyway.
God, I hate going home at night, I hate feeling this way, I hate the holidays with her up my ass everywhere I go, I hate having company because she horrifies me what the crap that comes out of her mouth. And like you Donna, I kind of wish myself dead just for some relief, but alas, she'll die right after me so we can be together. Sheesh, I can't escape.
Love to all you girls.

Well, I was assertive to my mother this week end and now I am not even good enough to step in with new shoes on. what is left to try?

What do you do when their mind is set and they will not cooperate and think you are against them. This week end was the week end from Hell. will not go into all of it too much typing but She thinks I am using her because I ask her for 300.00 a month towards her expenses. She has always been the type to take our money when my sister and I was young,, baby sitting for 50 Cents a hour, I cleaned the church for 2.00 a week, than worked in a tomato canning factory lovely work but work non the same, picked strawberries, beans, cleaned her house did her laundry while she slept and now I am not supposed to ask for money from her. She accused me of hating her and liking Dad better is she in the first stages of dementia? All she wants to talk about is her childhood, gee wish I had one to talk about. Anytime I say anything about my son it is completely ignored. Last night she was supposed to fix supper, I got it out for her etc it sat and sat and sat so at 7:30 decided I would have a cup of coffee and a donut well there were five of them she ate four I did get one. Told me she could wear the shirt well keep eating them donuts and guess what it will be too small than that will be something else to yell at me about, I am about my wits end this morning. Told me not to get her anything for Christmas I told her I already gave it to her. so took the earrings she wanted and tagged them for someone else, 300.00 bucks a month or not money does NOT grow on trees. So that is it no gift is ever good enough anyway so there will be no more celebrations with mother she messes them all up anyway can't wait to see what she does for Christmas Eve and when the church comes the Sat afterwards. But I am going to enjoy my holidays I don't know how many more I will have either none of us do. I want so for her to be happy but happiness comes from inside and this she ain't. Thanks for letting me vent I want to be your cheer leaders but this week end was a doozie. So there is nothing to say its all about hate and anger I feel like I have the devil living with me. I am open to any and all suggestions I don't know how much more I can take and I really want to paint and quit smoking don't see it happening anytime too soon. I am sooooo very tired emotionally and physically. i honestly wish I would have never brought them here from Maryland I should have let them suffer it out themselves Talking about one Big dummy here. I should have known it's been this way all my life. thanks again everyone.

thank you Cross----

Try the community center for seniors' programs. These programs are usually seniors helping seniors have fun.

Your mother may be interested in arts and crafts also. Give her something she can enjoy doing. Something she can make a mistake with.

Communicate with her without demanding. Just say mother I need a little time to myself............. Always end with I love you.

Proverb15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

Well, thank all of you for your comments---both for my decision to keep her and the disappointment of not doing it---but, in my heart I couldn't do it---After reading what some of you are up against, maybe my situation isn't as bad as I thought---just not having the lack of responsibility is what I'm fighting---that I retired to not have pressures on me, that I have a great husband that is easy to serve anything for dinner--that I have to think of what my mother can eat---irks me--more insight into what my problem is with her being here could serve me well---does this make any sense? we had a better day---thank goodness----told her that I am going to take her to the senior center nearby to meet some local seniors and maybe it will help take some of the pressure off of me to entertain her (haha). Then maybe I can sit down for more than 10 minutes and work on scrapbooking---she comes in and asks all kinds of questions or brings in her list to distract me from what I want to do that doesn't have to do with her. Neon---I used to tole paint for years---cut my own wood and sold my things in Christmas stores all over Orange County, CA.---but I got tired of doing it and now I'm an OCD about scrapbooking---I hoped that in my retirement that I would accomplish the things that I couldn't do while I worked--but she has found the way to interfer with that quiet time for me too. well, looking for positive changes-- thank all of you---will see how it goes---connie