Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

boy do i feel out of place here. i am dissappointed that connie couldnt leave her mom. i was hoping someone out there had some guts which i know isnt me. all this lovey dovey stuff just doesnt work for me as i truly have a mother from hell. and i dont want her. wish i could make her dissapppear. good luck to all you do gooders

Your all so welcome, Did you hear it? We had world war three here today when I put up the work lists I made one for me to and wouldn't ask her to do anything where it was too much but when she read make supper three times a week I thought she would have a stroke. She accused me of just wanting her for her money haha if I had the money I lent my parents over the year I wouldn't have to work. She pays for her groceries I can't possibly eat that much ham. whew wee. Well I just dropped it made her supper and served it to her on a tray she didn't like that I said hey you want to be a princess than I'll treat you like one. She said I always hated her. Hello get with the program If I hated you you sure as hell wouldn't be living with me. Geez Louise who has the hot chocolate I need some. good night to all it is time for me to turn in my butt is tired. Had a great time at the craft place by the way. Beings I paint and like old things I am going to do the same thing open a shelter and fund it with my art. Love it absolutely love it. I can have Christmas in one room all year long yippee. Gonna start painting again and I don't care who likes it. so there. Thank you all for the encouragement. I really appreciate it and feel like I am making a difference and laughing is good it makes ceratonin and thats a good thing

Connie,

Had a feeling you couldn't do it, just like I couldn't get rid of my parents. I would like to think I could, and would like one day to see what it would feel like, but guess that will never happen.

Don't worry, you can always vent to us.

Love,
marylynne

Crosstrain, there is caregiving theory...then, there is the reality of caregiving. Wishing you every success in your caregiver work group venture.

Hi, Conknee! Keep following your heart. It will always steer you right. neonwocky, you sure do make me smile and sometimes laugh out loud. Thanks for your special brand of sunshine! There is a lot of wisdom in neonwocky's words, Conknee, including a caregiver simply being a good person and "doing the right thing." As neonwocky said, sometimes some of us become caregivers because we felt loved and there is no other way for us to go but to love in return. One of my friends who is a great person, had no love for his Mother, yet he "did the right thing" by helping to care for his Mom before she died when his brother abdicated all responsibility even though his brother lived in the same neighborhood as his Mom. May God bless you and your Mom, Conknee, and don't forget to light that candle and savor that hot chocolate and soft candleight this season. Hugs and give yourself major pats on your back! Your heart spoke and you listened.

Hi Connie, Don't beat yourself up I think about mine by the way she's German to Hard headed :-) I don't think I could do it either. I mean for crying out loud we get to go to my sons house for Thanksgiving and I feel so sorry for mine I cook the entire dinner, turkey, stuffing veggies, mashed potatoes gravy cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie so she will have a thanksgiving dinner what does that say?

You do it because you have a conscience and are a really good person. Love has nothing to do with it. There are all kinds of love and just because we don't feel that glorious feeling we still somewhere have love for them. Thats the kind of love Jesus talked about in the parable of the Good Samaratin. Pat yourself on your back. My kids where the same way. My oldest son used to say to me Mom I don't know why you keep helping your parents all they do is hurt you and he was only 12. Out of the mouths of kids and I know my surviving son doesn't always understand me or like me and thats okay I always tell him I'm entitled to my opinion you don't have to agree with it but he is always there when I need him. Well time for me to get ready for a small outing. I am going to a cat shelter that also has a bottle tree so we all take bottles, how cool is that? and arts and crafts which I paint so am interested to see someone elses work. Find a few little things that you like and do them. Its hard at first because you feel guilty but it gets easier the more you force yourself to do it kinda like saying no to someone who always wants you to do the work for them because they are just to damn lazy. Than I will come home and do some laundry and start cleaning. I haven't heard anything "yet" about the to do list but sure I will later. Oh well Lifes a bitch than you marry one haha or give birth to one that's what I told my sons. So when he starts about his fiance which by the way is a really good girl I tell him I told you haha everyone has their disagreements deal with it we are that way because we can be that way LOL. He just shakes his head and laughs. He used to tell his buddies when he brought them home when he was a teen ager don't pay any attention to my mother you never know whats coming out of her mouth. I tell it like it is could be German huh, probably more of the Irish from Dad I think. Oh well you take care and I'll stop in later. Hey everyone today is a good day to take that hot chocolate with the real cream into the bathroom, light a candle take some music in there and either sing to the top of your lungs or close your eyes and take a soaky bath. ttfn

I couldn't do it---she's still with me and we're working out the food issue---I realized how old she was and couldn't do it. Good try--but Daddy left her to me and raised me to take care of her when he was gone---and I guess it sunk in. My kids had a bet on that I wouldn't do it---they do know me!!! So, out we went to buy her a new touch light (she took apart the old one when it needed a new bulb and broke it) and some German Christmas cookies (oh she's German, by the way).
For all of us in the same boat---sorry to let you down that one of us would get away----but, alas, our guilt is too strong to walk away and that's why we are called CARETAKERS, talk with you soon, love, connie

NEON- You are in my thoughts constantly and hope things are manageable.

How is it going Conknee? Sure you are super busy at this moment but just wanted to know I was thinking of you. I think of all of you more than you know and am so glad that you are all here. I sure could use some advice. I made lists up to put on the refrigerator this morning, typed them real big so there will be no problem reading them. They will probably go over like a lead balloon. But have to try to get my mom motivated some how. It just seems like we can't win for losing. Everything will go along just fine for a couple of days than my husband will come home and while I am at work mom will do a couple half assed jobs like yesterday he told me she mopped the kitchen floor but she chose spots to do well now it looks worse than before and its a brand new not even a month old hardwood floor she is ruining my sinks and my counter top that was just refinished a year or so ago is all cut up and burnt and we have three huge cutting boards at different locations. Seems to me she either doesn't think or does it on purpose. So not doing anything else to the house until she is gone. I'm still licking my wounds from last night somedays I can shake it off others its not so easy. I am so happy you have found a solution. There are all sorts of programs out there that she can take advantage of. Unfortunately you will probably have to do the leg work, If she's like my mom you will. And probably if she is like my mother she won't realize the gem she has for a daughter, that for just a little bit of trying on her part would do anything in the world to help her have a wonderful life instead of all the drama. My mother does wear the back patch, and I had to laugh at your description of her side effects, mine hasn't had them with the patch but did with the pain pills her doctor prescribed so she won't take them anymore because without the pain she wouldn't be able to say she can't do anything. I have deteriorated discs in my neck two types of arthritis , high cholesterol, 30% heart blockage since mom came been in the hospital thought I was having a heart attack now my BP is high and take two meds for that, she don't even have that much wrong with her I just don't get it I guess it depends on what you want out of life, I don't know I see all these people and really to me their lives have been useless, with all the years of complaining and being a victim often wondered why they would even want kids. Let us know how it went

Conknee, i am so jealous of you that you have a place to take her. by all means take her and if you can be of help sometimes, then do it, but anything in this world would be better than them living with you. you go girl!!!!! Marylynne, we are birds of a feather, only difference is that my dad didnt live long enough to be a problem, died at 53 of a heart attack, probably caused by the stress of living with this woman. luv

she has already made a list of what she needs and seems to be looking forward to it---I'm just afraid for her---she is still able to do all the things she needs to do for herself---it just takes her a lot longer to do them---so, with help, I think she

I feel you are stepping into the right direction, but I feel we should never make a decision out of anger or frustration. Have patience with yourself. Give yourself sometime. Maybe you should start by writing everything down your mother would need in her home to survive without you. Take her home slowly. Make time to take her to her home to visit. Give her time to spend their alone.

While you take a walk or go shopping. What I am trying to say is do something for you.

I love you and have a blessed day. I will pray for you.

thank you for saying that I am doing the right thing--it's a hard decision---we'll see how it goes tomorrow and how much crying and drama will occur---or silence---which she is great at. Just the idea of packing up all of her stuff is already overwhelming to me---BUT I WILL DO IT !!!!

Good for you conknee. You are doing the right thing.

Donna, Oh, my god, what happens to them when they get old. My mom does the laundry the same way now too. She puts everything in together. She didn't teach me to do it that way and my mom wants to outlive me too. SOOOOOO selfish.

I had to laugh at the pain patch thing. My mom had one put on her at the doctor's office and when we walked into the parking lot she almost passed out. I had to take it off of her in the car. Once she had a tetnus shot and swore she couldn't breathe on the way home. What good actresses we all have or either high anxiety mother's.

You want to laugh, my mom and dad had a fight today and my dad told my mom that he took her out of a home for incurables when she was young. My mom exploded. She had a nervous breakdown years ago and my dad won't let her forget that she is nuts.

Love all of you,
Marylynne

I have reached a decision---I am taking her back to her house tomorrow---after an ongoing verbal battle tonight about food--I asked her where she would be happy if she ever has been or could be since she wasn't happy with me---she stated that she was happy at her house---so, viola, that's where she's going---I having a hard time with this as I know that she really can't do it-- I am setting it up with the lady next door to her to help her with shopping and such and I am calling a care giving agency to help in other ways----Maybe for once she'll appreciate what she had here with me----but I doubt it!!! My health is going downhill really fast with all this--and I retired due to stress !!!! My husband is supportive of this and I have called all the kids and my sister and everyone agrees that I have done all I can do and she gets what she wants--to go back to her home. (As with all of us we need to seek approval for our decisions that have us feeling guilty !!!)

Neon, i had to laugh when i read your posting. I have the opposite problem. my mother does the laundry, which i do not want her to do, as she has completely for gotten how it is supposed to be done. for example: puts my black dress pants with the white clothes. puts everything in one washer. stuffs it so full that it cant be clean. i have to continually redo whatever she does. tries to help me cook, but stands in my way, until i have to say, mama, move over to the table out of the way so i can get this done. then again today, she was bragging to the nurse that she was going to outlive me. i couldnt help but say, in front of the nurse, yes you will do that just out of friggin spite. any normal, natural mother would not want to outlive their children, but you are not normal. you are selfish. she just laughed. yes, i do hate her more each and every day. each day i hope she doesnt wake up. i may feel bad about this later, but i doubt it. donna

I agree with if you have a plan for action on your part-Neon- it does help it puts power in your court and you don't feel you have no control over the situation.

What an excellent idea to have a support group locally, but this site is really a comfort to me. i am afraid that i would not be as open with people who know me or who know of my family, as i am with all of u. But i do think it may be a great idea. In the small town that i live in, i know of at least 4 ladies who are affected by some sort of dementia. If nothing else, we could share complaints. luvto all
Donna

WOW have we all lived the same childhood and now adult hood? Sounds like it to me. My Dad was a alcoholic to and you know right before he died we had some really good discussions. In one he said if he had known mom was like she was he would never had married her and she blamed everything on him. He really was a giving soul who liked to laugh and play jokes and be loved but I don't think she ever loved anyone but herself, well maybe her son, and he won't have anything to do with her. Drama queen yep, control freak, yep. well I am making a todo list for her as she is in constant back pain but won't take the meds either. Gosh this is really scary. sooo yes she can do something and I won't be mean I will give her the easier jobs but instead of keeping the recliner warm all day long and thinking about herself she is going to have chores to do every day and than she will just have to tell someone how mean I am to her haha that will be funny but believe it or not it will be better for her to do something and stay occupied and I won't feel used. support groups are a really good resource when the people want to use them but some of these older people don't want their laundry aired whether it be clean or dirty so there not an option for some people. Although from my experience people outside of the family are much nicer than the ones who put up with all the button pushing, whether acknowledged or ignored, or the little mind games Seems like they all went to the same school together doesn't it? Thank you all for posting so honestly, I swanee I thought I was reading my own life. Take a break do something for you no matter how upset mother gets she "will" get over it, she can blab on all she wants you don't have to listen to it I don't I leave the room and do something else If you want to talk like a civilized person I will talk to her but when she goes off on the poor pitiful pearl stuff I'm outta there. Will post again soon

Good luck with your assignment Crosstrain. I'm working on starting a caregiver support group through my church. There are a number of them in our community but they're almost all for Alzheimer's caregivers. My mom is sharp as a tack mentally. Her little glass is always half empty and she keeps poking holes in the bottom of it but she's lucid and coherent so I wouldn't be able to relate as well to those who are caring for parents with dementias although there are common issues for all caregivers.

Anyhoo... my resource list is here: http://feedinmama.com/ResourcePage.html it gets updated frequently so check back often.

Blessings,
Betsy

Hello, everyone I believe you all are looking for some answers and a life. I can understand some of your problems. I am a counseling student at Life Christian University. My next assignment is to write a proposal to my pastor to start a caregiver work group.

I want to start off by saying guilt is not love and love is not guilt. I hope we all can work together to build a support and resource group.

Rules and boundaries are need for every household.

Everyone can help. First thing is to find and exchange resources and lets start with
help (adult daycare etc) please send your resource list in.

Wow---I'm not alone in this!!!

My mother has constant pain----gets meds from the doctor----then won't take them because of the same thing "loses her edge"--when she takes them she's actually pain free and doesn't recognize it--thinks she's out of control. Dr. gave her pain patches---so, according to directions, I put one on her upper arm---withing 3 hours she was halcuinating, eyes rolling and all----so, I pulled the patch off----held her for 2 hours and she was ok. After talking to the doctor he said he had never heard of such a reaction----so----is she a great actress or what?

More of her control !!!!

Right now she's still not talking to me because of dinner last night!!!! and here I am stressed out at 6 am because of all this---no rest for us is there?

But I am blessed that she isn't in diapers, can feed herself, and can clean herself--but on the other hand, she has a memory that doesn't stop---can't let anything go drives me crazy with her interference with my kids (who are great kids--but because they don't call everyday--they're up to something according to her) I refuse to have the kids call everyday to report in!

I promise them that I WILL NEVER BE THIS WAY WHEN I GET OLDER!!!!

Connie

Connie,

I had the same experience with my alcoholic father. After he died I realized what he had been covering up all those years. I knew from an early age that my mom was nuts, but she made it sound like her problems were because my dad drank. When he died we all breathed a sigh of relief because we thought the family situation was going to improve. But then Mother blossomed into a full blown crazy.

I think Dad covered it up because he was embarassed to admit he had married a nut. I sometimes wonder what sort of a man he would have been if he hadn't had to cope with her. They both really needed mental health help and meds a long time ago but it wasn't available. Mother's had meds in recent years and gets much better but then stops taking them because she "looses her edge". I think she doesn't recognize herself on meds and it scares her.

What a mess. How many lives can one woman ruin?

Believe me we do all have the same mother----what did we do to deserve this? Before my father passed away----I always thought that the trouble was my father--who was an alcoholic---but after he passed, I realized why he drank and am so sorry for me not backing him up against my mother. But he would never have said anything against her---he put her on a pedastal and that's where she continues to rule from. Tonight was a prime example----I made dinner---leftover---chicken, corn, homemade mashed potatoes and she didn't want it---because I put tomato sauce on the chicken--even though she loved it last night---that she will suffer and have an egg-=----that of course, she wants me to cook----this is not a woman who is totally unable to fend for herself when SHE wants to---but anything to control .

thank you for letting me rant my sisters in crisis
Connie

hi all my old friends and welcome all the newbies
it sounds as if this old woman syndrome is affecting all of us. i believe i am getting it too. My mother is all about shopping. wants me to take her here, take her there to spend money unnecessarily. if i dare go out without her, there is hell to pay when i come home. the sad thing is this: there is no physical problem with her, just that she is nearly 91 yrs old and mean as hell. every time my significant other and my self go somewhere, and we are never gone longer than 3 hours, my stomach tightens up, and i feel like throwing up, because i know i have to come home and listen to her gripe and piss and moan about me being gone.I, like marylynne, absolutely wish her ill will every single day of my life. if it is not bad enough to put up with her, my son who also lives with us, is an alcoholic, and is driving me nuts too. I dont know why i deserve this crap, i guess it is my hell on earth for all the bad things i have done in my lifetime. I have wished her dead for a long time, but now i just wish for relief, even if it is my death, anything to get away from the old witch. ok, thru complaining. just the same stuff over and over and over. luv to all of u,
Donna

Sounds like a bunch of us have the same mother. Is that possible? conknee, understand fully, my mom and dad live with me and my mom wants to go everywhere with me also. It pains me to say, that I am constantly wishing her ill will, if you know what I mean.

I am just so frustrated, nasty things come out of my mouth constantly. I rather have her sick, because she is easier to deal with. When she is feeling great, she is a real pain in the ass.

I feel for you honey,

Love,
Marylynne

I thought I was the only one who felt this way---but after reading all of the posts---I realize that I was pulling the me me me thing that my mother does to me.!!! She has been living with my new husband and I for about 4 months and I am at my wits end!!!! When she doesn't get my attention then she does the "I want to die" routine----she really knows how to push my buttons. I was looking up a monitor so that she could call me when she needs me---but then thought that if my life now is all about her, she would really take over the rest. I make sure that she has her meals, the house cleaned, laundry done, take her with me EVERYWHERE I go--because of the guilt she puts on me--and still it's not what she wants. I just went into her room and she had taken apart her lamp because the bulb was burned out---now the touch part won't work !!! She roams around the house and yard using her cane--won't use walker or scooter--(which she makes sure I know that she could fall down at any time)helping water the plants and all--She is very alert and very bright--but is in constant pain--of which she makes sure I know about. I have fibromyalagia which is from stress---and I don't know how much longer I can take it...everyday she has a list of things that she thinks of to complain about or to do--I just want to run away !!!!

Mlv my change of attitude is a process that is ongoing. I t started about 6 yrs ago while watching DR Phil a guest was saying she was not going to take it any longer and I said to myself me either and with lots of counseling realized it would be better to be alone then with someone who treated me badly and I did not deserve to be treated that way. We had to live together but seperated in the same house for a long time. Part of the problem was him being in rehab so often and I really liked being alone and really did not want him here. Me hiring help was a Godsend for me and making us use a buudget-he loves to spend money and had to put my foot down-but if he had to go on medicade I would probably not be able to pay the taxes. I am probably rambling but my thoughts keep pouring out. My last two falls have changed things a lot with the fractures in my back I am very limited of what I am able to do and the husband has steped up to the plate and for the first time is thinking of someone besides himself- I have always been very independent it has humbled me a lot to have to take care from someone else. Change takes a long time and some things work and some don't and of course the other person does not want change.

I understand exactly what you mean maggiesue stick to your guns girl she doesn't have to like it I've been told by my mother she doesn't like what I say either because she thinks she's the only one with feelings. haha last Christmas I showed everyone a hat I bought in front of about 10 people my mother said as loud as she could OH MY GOD YOU LOOK TERRIBLE IN THAT HAT I said thank you mother. After I took her home and let it go for a couple of days I said you know what you should think about what you say you made a ass out of yourself in front of my friends and family and you must remember out of all your children I am the one that looks the most like you BINGO! Well now she lives with me and she can say anything she wants (In her room) she never let me slide and I don't let her slide I am 60 years old for crying out loud If I want to wear a hat that makes me look like crap I'm wearing it. So do what you have to do If and when my mother can no longer see or hear and it won't be long because she refuses to have cataracts removed and her hearing is so bad because she left it go so long she can't use a hearing aid she will go to a nursing home, I ;am not going to feel guilty thats what they are for I have been supporting my parents for an entire lifetime its time for me now and I am looking forward to it. So hang in there maggie sue some one said something about narcisitic mothers well there are a whole bunch of them Me me me me me me me. Now lets have a chorus of We've come a long way baby. Love to you all and take a small pause for your cause. neon

Cindi -
What a wonderful post. Did you know you made the front of the newsletter with a quote?

I read this blog frequently although I haven't posted for many weeks. You all give me great strength in caring for my 90 year old narcissictic mother. All my family has abandonned me as she is so toxic.

I constantly set boundaries that she tries to cross. Right now we are going through a crying phase because she thinks I said something mean to her. She wants to bore into my private life and use bits and items of it for gossip. I know she is not sincere about me and my life so I try to keep her away from anything personal. She says she "lives through me" which scares the hell out of me. It makes me think of a parasite sucking away at my innards.

Here is what she is crying about now. I was a few minutes late calling her the other night and she wanted to know what I was doing to make me late. I told her I was talking to a friend. She started interrogating me. "Is this someone you've known a long time?" I repeated that I was talking to a friend. She persisted and I finally said "Why do you want to know that?" Well that was just too mean. She had to hang up because I was "abusing" her.

Ever since then when I call her, it's been recriminations about how I was mean to her and she gets teary. It's a lot of drama and I suppose it entertains her. I would like to tell her that I am willing to give her my loyalty and assistance but not my soul and my health. I don't want to discuss my personal life with her. But that would probably cause additional hurt feelings so I just keep telling myself these are my limits.

Soon we will be doing some visiting with my little granddaughters as we have birthdays before Christmas that will be celebrated. Hopefully that will distract Mother from her hurt feelings and my "abusive" behavior. It's just so tiring to have to deal with the nuttiness.

Thanks again to all of you. I wonder how many silent readers like me visit this blog. You don't know how many of us you touch.