Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

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My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?

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Sending you and yours only positive thoughts
Shar
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Hi Anne: thankyou so much. I have found such comfort being able to express my self. Yes that is how I am thinking of it now. That she is cared for. That is one comfort I have. Before she had to be home alone every night and in the early morning till I arrived over there. Sometimes I was not able to go home till 8 at night. My partner whom I have been with for 35 years is a heart patient and it was all getting too much with my health and his. Hope you have a blessed Easter and thank you so much for the prayers. I wont find anything out till I go to the Oncologist next week Friday. The waiting is always horrible. You always seem to wait for the other shoe to drop. But I have faith. Thank you again. Hilde
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Dear Hilde, please let us know what you find out about your CT Scan, and we'll be praying for you. God bless you, and take care. Thankfully your Mom is cared for as well. Be good to you.
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Taking away the phone was taking away some of her independence, and that is hard. But you didn't have a choice. I'm happy she is doing okay with it.

Happy Easter to you, too, Hilde.
Carol
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Thankyou Carol for the good advice. I am feeling better about it today. The phone has always been my Mother's life line but I called the nurses station and they said she is doing just fine. I am glad to hear that. My sister is off today she is going there afterwhile for a bit. So I am glad of that.
The nurse said she does not even miss it or ask for it. So I feel ok with that right now. I understand theyre end of it. When the police called. She also called someones house repeatedly. They filed a harrassement witht he police. I can not believe it. But we would be mad too if someone called repeatedly. So it will turn out ok , hopefully. It just seems to be the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. But thanks to you I feel somewhat better.
Happy Easter to you and everyone here. Hilde
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Hi Hilde,
The whole phone thing still makes my stomach turn. My mom's phone in the nursing home was her "lifeline." But she didn't remember when she'd called me, so she would call over and over (thankfully, not 911). I got so I would answer the first two calls, and then let it go to voicemail. She would get confused and stop for awhile. I visited everyday and the nursing home called me about anything at all. It was self-protection.

My dad wanted a phone but couldn't use one. I tried "fake" phones, but of course that didn't work. All of it was very painful.

Your mother is going to be very upset for awhile. You'll have to accept that and deal with it. Eventually, she'll forget about it, but it will take time. My heart is with you.
Carol
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Hi Carol: I would like to thank you for your kind words. I was with her today. They had to take her phone away because she keeps calling 911 and says she does not. So I tried to talk to her the other day about not doing that but I do think she has lost the reasoning for that. Well I have the nurses desk number and I am there every day anyway. So that is the way it goes. It did upset me but I understand they had no choice. she does not know she is doing that. My father died 19 years ago and I had looked after her all those years. Just now she can not be left home alone. And no one can stay 24 hours for her care not to mention she lost control of things. She does not realize that either. So I dont know what she will say tonight when she notices the phone is not there. This whole situation is upsetting to me. But I am not able to do it anylonger. Well thank you all for your support. I do my cat scan tomorrow for the lymphoma. this is my first year wait. I have been under such stress. Well thanks everyone. Hilde
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I just want to thank all of you wonderful people. It is so comforting to know others share my frustration (not that I want all of you to be frustrated, of course)! Just being able to read your posts and vent myself has helped. This morning, I became agitated by the way
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nmexgal62, thanks for joining us. You'll need support with all that you are going through. Your dog is important to you, and that has to hurt. It's like the dog abandoned you, too. You'll have to find a way to stick up for yourself, but it's very hard. Keep reading posts from these great people. It will give you courage, and the knowledge that your aren't alone is powerful.

Take care,
Carol
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Hi Hilde,
It takes time to get used to having help caring for your mom or dad. Since you've found a very good nursing home, she is actually getting better care, and you can visit her refreshed and ready for a nice conversation (well, as nice as it can be), without spending all of your time on care.

She will continue talking about "going home" for a long time, but as her dementia continues, she may actually be talking about her childhood home. So, diverting her when you can is likely your only option. The main thing is, drop the guilt. You did all you could and more. You need to take care of yourself.

Carol
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