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I just got home from the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I admitted my husband to a NH because it has gotten to hard to care for him. My friends from church have been helping me out for almost a year, but the incontinence has gotten so bad that I cannot expect others to care for him while I work. Tonight I am considering quitting my job and staying with him 24/7. I feel so guilty because he was actually having a good day today. We did everything together. He was my soul mate and best friend. I feel like I have let him down.

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Iam feeling so guilty but my children are to busy to give me any help or even encouragement,,we will be maried 55 years so iam not young,, how can I not feel guilty?
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jjvander, I would not quit the job for you need it socially, psychologically, as well as economically. I wish you the best in getting past the guilt which might take talking with someone whose is experienced with that. You've not done anything wrong which would justify guilt.
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@jjvander You poor darling. You sound like a very caring, compassionate person who loves her husband and has done her best by him. I hope that you like the facility he is in and that there are lots of opportunities to continue to share your life with him. Can you help him engage with social activities there? Can you take him with you to church activities? He's in good hands. It would be a good idea to take a few weeks to stabilize with this new, huge change in both your lives before making any other big life decisions (like quitting your job). Good luck!
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Guilt is a horrible enemy! I fought it when I cared for my Mother who had Alzheimer's. Just know that there are so many friends (you already have a great support system through your church) and here and you mustn't feel bad about talking or asking for help - or hugs when you need them! (((hug, hug))). Taking care of yourself is very important and I'd say keeping your job probably is, too. Your husband will have a good quality of life in the NH and will be well cared for and you can now tend to his other needs. Love him, read to him, talk to him...it is all so important coming from a loved one! Please stay in touch here. ♥
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Thank you so much for this!
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The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) provides certain employees with up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave per year. It also requires that their group health benefits be maintained during the leave.

FMLA is designed to help employees balance their work and family responsibilities by allowing them to take reasonable unpaid leave for certain family and medical reasons. It also seeks to accommodate the legitimate interests of employers and promote equal employment opportunity for men and women.

FMLA applies to all public agencies, all public and private elementary and secondary schools, and companies with 50 or more employees. These employers must provide an eligible employee with up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave each year for any of the following reasons:

* for the birth and care of the newborn child of an employee;
* for placement with the employee of a child for adoption or foster care;
* to care for an immediate family member (spouse, child, or parent) with a serious health condition; or
* to take medical leave when the employee is unable to work because of a serious health condition.

Employees are eligible for leave if they have worked for their employer at least 12 months, at least 1,250 hours over the past 12 months, and work at a location where the company employs 50 or more employees within 75 miles. Whether an employee has worked the minimum 1,250 hours of service is determined according to FLSA principles for determining compensable hours or work.
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What is the "family leave law" mariesmom?
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jjvander, I hope you will find that in visiting him you can concentrate on the soulmate aspects of your relationship, while professionals see to his daily needs. This may turn out to be better for both of you. If you are not the one who has to keep him clean and dry and fed and see to his medication, you can be the one who looks at scrapbooks with him, who talks about the life you've shared, who remembers the good times, who is WITH him.

I don't know about the location logistics. Could you have breakfast with him before you leave for work? Dinner, or maybe just dessert with him in the evening? You will need to be his advocate and see to it that he is getting the best possible care. Your role as a caregiver is not over -- it has just changed. You are still his loving wife and it may be easier to play that role now.

I hope the church circle will continue to support you both by visiting him while you are at work.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty. The villain in this drama is the disease, certainly it is not you!

I mourn the loss of my husband, bit by bit, as the dementia takes him away. I rejoice in the good days.

Certainly needing to place your husband where he can get professional care is another huge loss for both of you. Of course you feel sad and mournful. Acknowledge that and accept it. And then move on to do what needs to be done in the current situation. Feeling sad is normal. But there is no need or reason for feeling guilty.

I wish you courage and peace and you move on to this new part of the journey.
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horray that ure getting hospice ! horray , happy for u girl . hope all goes much better for u , xoxo
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i have been doing this since 07. with no help. trying to be so strong, feed, clean, be there. I had tried to do it all. my body and mind just could not take much more. he is in what drs say last few months. i tried to get Hospice to help but they said as long as he could walk talk and eat they could not. His doctor contacted Hospice and they came and tried to talk to him he had no idea what was going on. He qualified !!! they will come twice a week to bath and change him. that is a lot of help as he is getting so hard to handle alone. I say all this to say this...dont feel guilty for putting him in a NH. I should have but he said please promise me you wont put me in a NH. so therefore I tried to be super woman and do it all my self. I am on hold as I am self employed, so unlike you I had no job I had to be at everyday. Do Not feel guilty. I nearly had a break down with this. Two days a week of cleaning and changing will help me a lot!! God Bless you, I have a sister in a NH and i wish I could bring her here but I know I cant care for her. You did the right thing.
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You have not done anything wrong to feel guilty about. How far developed is his Alzheimer's? That alone will only get worse and worse which makes 24/7 care best if done by people who get a break from it all every 8 hours. I hear a lot of pain over not being there and some anticipatory grief. Do you have someone that you can talk with about this face to face? The social worker at the nursing home might give you a listening ear and possibly point you to a support group so that you will not feel so all alone in this. Keep coming back here as often as you want to and let us know how you are doing.
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also don't forget about the family leave law - I used to a few yrs ago to take off for a month to care for my mom.
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my heart aches right along with u dear . my husband and i have been married almost 32 yrs here next week , i can not imagin what s going to happen years down the road , he too is my soul mate my everything . so i can imagin ur pain and lonesome too . sounds like u have a wonderful group of people at church ! that is great !!
as marie says think long and hard before u quit ur job to be with him 24-7 . jobs are hard to come by now days and theres long list of people wiating for a job . i would say u best bet is to hang on to what u have . maybe u could take some time off work and hang around at the nursing home and see how he does it there ? dont feel bad dear sometimes it is the best thing for anyone to do .
i care for my dad here at my home . he was in the nursing home , it didnt work out for him . he needed one on one care .
keep in touch and let us know how ure doing and ur husband too . xoxo
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Oh dear I am so sorry for you. You and friends have been doing this a year? You are surely blessed with wonderful friends.

Do think long and hard before you quit your job. can yiu afford this? What will happen to your insurance and retirement? Talk to someone who can help you plan these finances into the future before you make such a move.
Having a job is more than the money and benefits - the social interaction and self esteem are every bit as important. Giving this up - as I did to care for my Mom - is not always the right choice. Remember your well-being is every bit as important as your husbands.
Much love to you.
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You must feel very alone. I am so sorry ...
I'm glad you found this site. It was here for me when onbody else had time.
People here care ...
I hope some of us can help. I can't imagine your grief ...
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