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my elder mother has reported me to adult protective for abuse, this makes me sick as i have given up career and life to her care. legally what can i do. i am so upset, feel like my reputation and name is being ruined.

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They have all kinds of lawyer for child abbuse and wrongful accused, but what about lawyers for adults for wrongful accusations, yes thats so humiliating and they ruined my reputations for falsely accused me for neglect and abbused my sick husband, its so unfair the hospitals are continuosly doing this and I have no help to stop this nonsense, this is bs.
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To Everybody who has had this happen...Please, Do NOT PANIC when you get notice there has been a report made. APS people are not all perfect angels, but in general, if you treat them as if they were decent human beings doing their job -which they are requred to do not matter how far off base or ridiculous the report to them may have been - the facts of the case will speak to them and you will be OK. If you tell that exact story of how the scratches happened, and the injury correspnds to it, you will be OK. If you are being accused of all kind of things both to APS and your sibling who does not know better that people with dementia can confabulate and come up with stories that are not true, it will be OK. Get your prother to post on here and he will be educated about this very, very common phenomenon. He means well and wants to believe mom is being mistreated instead of deterioriating and imagining things - it probably makes no sense to believe that you are doing bad things, but again, if you don't know better about confabulation (they usually think waht they are saying is true, they come up with preposterous and often hurtful explanations for why things are not going well for them) it probably makes more sense to him than thinking that Mom could have suddenly turned into a liar. Document anything you have been doing financically, and if your loved one is uncooperative with care and medical issues, and you've tried and tried to get someone to cooperate or get the doctor to listen, document that too.

Sorry this does happening, is happening to you - glad you found your way to this thread - and hope it works out with an unfounded report and possibly some help with the family issues as it almsot always does.
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My brother is accusing me of elderly abuse, but everything he is saying is all lies, he just has so much hatred towards me that he'd rather see his mom live in a nursing home for the rest of her life then have me his own sister take care of her...Me and my brother do not get along and this is not the first time he falsely accused me to social services but the 2nd and this time he involved the police. I am 23 yrs old and i am the caregiver of my mom and i also take care of my elderly father which i do not get paid for. What can i do?? My mom is saying there all lies but my brother is the one pressing it saying its truth? can i file a restraining order agaisnt my brother so he can leave me alone for good? pls help....
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My Mother told the nursing home that I abused her when we went to get her hair fixed. My Mother has frontal dementia and I took her to get her hair perked. My Mother grabbed hold of the steering wheel and tried to force me into the guard rail on the highway. I grabbed and clawed her arm. This was happened back in June. Today three months later I get a later I get a letter in the saying there appears to be abuse neglect or exploitation of my Mom. Can't get in contact with the worker. Now what. I guess I was just supposed to let her f o race me into the guardrail at 60 mph.
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I thank you for your positive advice. I went by to check on my parents today. They have tried to call my aunt....she isn't answering any of her three phones. So I think she may already know that the other person informed my Mom about the false allegations. I know my Dad didn't care if my Mom got ahold of her or not. He really doesn't care what anyone thinks of him, he says. However,he is the one that makes rude comments towards my Mom.I don't always understand his demeanor towards her but after 60 years of marriage they make it work.
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How very hard for you, 2007calorie. After all your sacrifices and hard work, to get accusations instead of thanks! Argh!

Even if it is not valid, I think I would act on the assumption that the aunt truly cares for her sister and is worried about her. She is probably elderly herself and maybe not thinking too clearly. Take the high road and give her the benefit of the doubt about her motives. "Aunt Lucy, I heard that you were talking to Mabel about Mom's bruises. I'm so glad you are interested and looking out for her. Mom takes a blood thinner to help prevent a stroke. We take her in to check the level of medicine in her blood every three weeks, so we know it at about the right dose, but it does make her bruise very easily. You know how light little Yippee is, but even that little dog jumping on her leaves a black and blue mark! Every bump or tap makes a colorful bruise. It is very annoying to Mother, but I guess it is better than risking a stroke. Mother is still able to talk on the phone. I know she'd love to hear from you. Her most alert time in midmornings and that might be the best time of day to call if it is convenient to you."

You have been a loving, caring daughter. Perhaps you can extend that to being a loving, forgiving neice. You'd certainly be justified in treating her in anger, but I suspect you'll feel better if you try being the peacemaker, for your mother's sake.
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My elderly Dad and I were recently accused of abusing my elderly & ill Mom. I learned that from a family member who received a phone call from the accuser who is my Mom's sister. I was angry when my parents called to tell me that the informed family member was told that we were abusive. The bruises on my Mom's arms are a result of her medication thinning her skin. My parents also have a small dog that constantly jumps up on her lap. I want to confront this aunt via phone. But not sure if I could do so without getting upset at her. We made a recent visit to the west coast and brought my Mom around all the family....I think if my Dad and I were guilty then wouldn't we keep her away from the entire family? What should I do or say? I don't want to avoid this accusation, but to address it appropritely. By the way, I moved to midwest to care for my parents after my husband passed away in 2007. I gave up my life with my adult daughters, my home, my job and my Church family to help my parents.
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My mom did the same thing to me. Then called all my relatives and told them I wasn't taking care of her. They came and got her and she wound up back in the nursing home and now saying about the same thing about them. When they came and got her I told them to have at it.
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hello heaven
you know you can get a lawyer and tie all this up and noone can get nothing except for the grma to be taken care of its called a overseerer i know..because my brother did it to me but it didnt work cause he thought he was going to get the freedom of spending my dads money anyway he want but it didnt WORK its funny too cause he thought he was gonna buy him a new truck but the bankc fooled him
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I too am being accused of Elder Abuse. It's a nightmare! They don't even know our relationship they don't know that it has always been grandma and me.
My grandmother and I have been so close...Me and her.
Now she is saying that I took her money. Money that she told me to put into custodial accounts last summer (Plus I am a co-owner on the CD's) So I put them in the accounts and now 5 months later I get the letter saying I stole the money!
I know that the lady that would drive my grandmother to her dr's appt. is behind this. Along with my sister who after 25 years of no contact with my grandmother is now moved in with her!! (My grandma fell and broke her hip and that lady got my grandma to sign power of attorney over to her and put her name on all the accounts and title of her home) My attorney is saying that we should put the money back the way it was...For 20 years the money has been for my kid's college education and now it will go to this lady and a sister who is only there for the money! UGH!
I love you grandma and miss our relationship.
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Carolsmom - It sounds like you've done all you can and at this point, it might be wise to move your mom. This will enable you to be a loving and patient daughter during visits and let professionally trained medical personnel be the bad guys. Don't worry about what others say or think, you MUST consider your mom's negative behaviors and realize this will only get worse. If your daughters are giving you a hard time about her care, make them responsible for her - ALL DAY EVERY DAY for two months and see how long it lasts. I suspect they'll be asking you to take back responsibility in a couple of weeks.

There is NOTHING wrong with saying you've had enough! There is nothing wrong with putting in "time" and letting someone else tend to your mom. Ask the elder abuse people to help you get her into a assisted living or a nursing home - it will probably be the best for all of you.
Good luck!
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Austin, I don't understand why they wish to hurt us, but somehow they seem to lose their compassion in their own pain.
Glad you weren't tempted to listen to his tapes. Not something you need to hear.
Also glad you were able to vindicate yourself without a legal battle and got a little justice.
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I was reported to APS by a nurse she though he should be in a nursing home probably so they would not have to do home care-A women came out but I found out 2 days later she was not a social worker and said she was going to push out and hire 24/7 care for him-it was unfounded and that afternoon he went outside after dressing himself and lifted heavy flagstone so I called her number and asked her to come back out then to see what this helpless half-dead person was doing. Weeks later a man came along running for county office I told him the story and he had worked in social service for our county and two others and knew my daughter and he reported HER -never heard a word about after that. My husband was so mean he asked my son to get a tape recorder so he could talk about the history of his family but he wanted to to catch me saying something wrong but I was not conversing with him at that time. When he died and the social worker packed up his belongings the tape and recorder was gone I think somebody heard his craziness and throug it away.
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Pirate, Glad you were able to set them straight.
How dare they. How dare any of them. As if we aren't going through hell already. Somehow they think we need more????
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APS came to my mom's door last year when all this hell started with her....I finally figured out by deduction who called. It was my cousin's busy body nosey g/f who always wants to tell you what to do. I had a big fight with her in my mom's driveway. Her and my cousin showed up out of the blue saying my mom needs to go to the doctor/emergency room...when really it was my mom's tricks of crying wolf for attention. I was screaming at her that they should have called first and that I had everything in hand but she and her GIAGANTIC TRAP would have none of it. While my sheepish cousin just sat there in his truck. After that APS showed up...hmmm same city they live in...and the B*tch worked at city hall and probably rubbed elbows with the APS gal that was dispatched. See she did not think it through when they left the APS calling card from my cousins city and not my mom's. I had asked neighbors and all said no. I told my other cousin and my cousin's mom I know it was her...never heard a peep from either one. My cheesy cousin left at X-mas time some lame arse message and at my birthday...we have the same birthday. Never heard another word. Wretched B*tch that she is...never ever want to see her again cause all she wants to do is tell other people their business. My cousin is so stupid to have this woman in his life....all she does is sponge off of him.
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Yes, Yes. WE MUST DOCUMENT EVERYTHING in case our bitter hateful parents decide to throw us under a bus.
Mom regrets having wasted her life & somehow it's my fault. I didn't ask to be born & I certainly did not ask for this abuse. I moved out 2 weeks after my 18th birthday and have never asked them for anything since. I started working at 12 yrs. old and made my own way. Now I'm chained to a vain, manipulative nutcase who wants to take me out with her.
I love you too mom.
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When my MIL was here at the house, before more seizure activity and bruising that I couldn't explain--I DOCUMENTED everything that I saw.
It was a simple notebook that was entitled, "Journal--MM/DD-MM/DD/YYYY."

Whenever anyone else would come over to give us a break, then they wrote in it as well.

ex. Monday, September 06, 2010
dkdkdkdkdkd
dkdkdkdkdk
dkdkdkdkdkddk
dkdkdkdkdkdkd
LAH (or Laura)

sometimes it would be a few paragraphs, sometimes it would be a whole page, sometimes it would be a page and a half.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
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castoff, I feel your pain and frustration. Being told many times by mom, when she didn't like what I said or did, that I was committing elder abuse and that she would "get" me, I honestly became frightened of her. Even though I wasn't guilty, if she reported me, I'd have to prove my innocence, like when her lawyer sent me a letter telling me she had accused me of stealing her important documents. Yes, the ones SHE helped me file in the cabinets at my house, for safekeeping, over the past 12 yrs. I had to send them back to her lawyer, at my expense and fill out papers saying I didn't steal her money either. I was paying for her groceries, her medicine, her caregiver, who put her up all this by the way, and she wanted to accuse ME of stealing her money. Somewhere in my lifetime I was taught not to steal but I'm guessing it was dad who taught me that and not mom.
What happened to "innocent until proven guilty", well, ask the lawyers who are always finding ways to make a buck. Greed is partly to blame for this, IMHO. Elder abuse exists BUT so do the elderly abusers! And I believe they ARE exempt from the law.
As long as the "sheeple" syndrome is alive and well, the medical profession will keep on pumping the elderly with pills, injections, hopsital/ER visits and the propaganda that this pill will fix it all. If it's advertised on tv, my mom trots her happy behind to the doc,asks for it AND she gets it. Her doc knows her liver is practically destroyed, yet he keeps giving her meds. Talk about elder abuse!
We let it happen by believing all the hype, taking our eye off the ball and being lazy. Our "fight" is gone in this country. We just take it. We expect someone else to take care of us and then spit in their face when they do. The system is broken and I haven't a clue on how to repair it.
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Just because a person turns 65 does not mean they are nice all of a sudden. If an individual is wicked to start with, chances are they will be wicked and evil when they are old.
AARP & other organizations have lobbied for laws to protect seniors, but there are few if any to protect the caregivers. It seems we are guilty until proven innocent. The "greatest generation" is not all that. They did their share of damage along with the good.
I have seen more abuse of caregivers than elders on this site!!!!!!
I see the pain and heartache that many parents have caused their adult children here and it angers me. The medical proffession keeps seniors alive much longer now often without quality of life. This often to the detriment of the caregiver. Something is wrong here!!!!!!
A parent can bring charges against a caregiver but not be prosecuted for false charges. Are seniors exempt from the law???
How did we allow this to happen?????
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Not necessarily so, Kathy: some parents are just MEAN. My elderly Mom will give away her last belonging to someone she's only known a few weeks, but has sold me out and treated me like dirt, lied about me to healthcare workers, claimed elder abuse when SHE was the one gleefully abusing me because she knew she could get away with it. I refused to deal with it anymore, and now caretakers paid by her state social svcs/etc are caring for her.

Msdiva, you are right to stay away from your Mom...she's being abusive. Doesn't sound at ALL like she's "confused". Sometimes you have call things what they really are, and that is an abusive situation that will likely only end when she dies. Hang in there, and don't listen to anyone who tells you to put yourself in emotional harm's way (being the target of bullying/abuse/hatefulness) - there is nothing good that can come of allowing yourself to be crapped on by a mean person, even if it's a parent. Especially if it's a parent! *hugs*
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1913-walking away does get easier talking did never work with the husband one day you will walk away and actually be happy with yourself and that is big. In the US all their pension is taken away plus all their SS and if they have a spouse they are allowed a car and can live in the house until they pass on and then it is sold and the money goes to the nursing home but the spouse in the house has to pay all the taxes and upkeep of the house and even their life insurance is condsidered an assest to the remaining spouse and all investments and retirement money is taken from the remainin g spouse except for a certain in NY it is about $2000,00 a month and our taxes are about $6000.00 a year your health care system in far superior than ours even though people here who do not understand are having a fit about our changes and are given so much wrong information but I do not want to sound political here just do not believe everything you here.
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Dear 1913, sounds like you are on the right path. Do you have a support group available to help you handle all the conflicting emotions involved with Caregiving, and having to place your mother? That may help you with some of the anger. Identifying it, relating to others (knowing you're not alone in this) and sharing that burden may help as well. As soon as your mom gets the help she needs, and you the assistance with her care, that could help relieve some of your stress. Praying for the best results for both of you!
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Good luck on Thursday! Is it true that in Canada the care manager can authorize someone to act as a relief carer for your mom? I've heard that your system is much kinder than ours here in the US.
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My hubby is experincing the same thing as of today. His mother accused him of stealing from her room, of causing the bruises on her legs (she is on Cumadin) and then she smacked him across the face.

Needless to say, she is no longer living with us. I have had enough. I sent her to Hubbys sister house and told them I draw the line at lies and physical aggression. We have young children. She is not welcome back.

Hang in there!!!
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I think that you might simplify your troubles if you just tell the care manager that you are unable to continue to be her primary caregiver and give an effective date in the future - a month or so perhaps. Speak up, be direct and say what you have said here. If you are weary and cannot do it any longer then the care manager's job is to work with your mother on finding a new solution.

I can tell you from my experience that it is better to be honest and upfront with that person. As long as you are in a codependant relationship, then the care manager will try to keep your mom and you together. Care managers don't like to be used as referees as a rule, so just go ahead and speak up for yourself.

Forgive me for asking - but as I don't recall whose home it is I can only suggest that you approach it this way and ask the following question - - What is the plan if you were to be 'hit by a bus tomorrow'? Having that alternate plan discussed with your mom should give you some peace of mind. You may find that your relationship improves, or it may break - - weigh what is important in the relationship and take away the stress and arguments.

I hope that being frank with my suggestions will actually help you make a postive change. There are people who can handle caregiving longer than others. Some can only handle it when the parent is not at their home. Some would be devastated to lose their parent. I hope you look inside yourself and decide what you really need to happen for you and your mom's best interests and then go for it.

Good luck -
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1913 I can not believe that you are not able to speak up at the meetings it is not right your mother has all the say when you are the caregiver. What I had to finally do at our family meetings when he was in rehab is to say I can no longer take care of him at home I had been waiting for others see what his care was doing to me and my counsuler told me I was waiting for someone to rescue me and it was not going to happen-I had to rescue myself so I did say I can't do it any longer and then the social worker the nurses and PT staff all agreed-only the husband did not agree but it did not matter at that point everyone else involved agreed-and a few days later he called me to tell me he could not go home-so after thinking about he also agreed. If the case manager does not agree with you tell her to come home and take care of her because you are going out of town for a few days and since they know and she knows she can not take care of herself they need to make plans and get up and leave this meeting where they do not listen to you anyway. If she is placed she will have to use her money first then they can go into medicaide and let them do the paperwork-they will very fast so they get paid and they know how to get all the information. Ihardenbeck -when my hsband used to verbably abuse me I just left the room and if he needed anything he had to do it for himself-he was able to at that time and if he got made so be it-when he was really made he was able to do a lot for himself-a lawyer told my son that 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are taking care of.
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that is what i have done before secretsisters , hahaha i just wrote what i need the dr to know and didnt want dad to know . wow works like a charm ....
i remeber when dad was just started to get worst , he would make me cry and i thought wow he s doing a good job of it and decided that im not going to let him make me cry like that no more . when he gets in one of his moods i get up and walk away from him and go into another room . sometimes i shut my bdrm door and lock myself in there and take a lotta deep breaths .
then i would come out like nothing happen ,
just cant argue with dementia person . just leave the room ....
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Why not write out your concerns and discreetly hand it to your mom's physician prior to the appointment? Then you won't have to say anything, just sit back and smile.
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It is amazing 1913 what they expect us to do-like money grows on trees -the social worker told me in order to take the husband home the last time he was in rehab he had to have 12 hrs. of aides daily-I yesed her to death and arranged for 7hrs a day which would have cost $4000.00 a month and I had only savings for 2 months and then he was going to have to be placed-instead he never made it home and that $8000.00 went to pay for his funeral which was a mistake paying it up front and this was with creamation and no veiwing hrs-if I had made him wait they would have helped with the paperwork for insurance payments and social security and would have saved myself 5 gruling months fighting to get things resolved and not gotten an ulcer in the meantime it is amazing what they the system will have you do like when I was doing the medicaide application on my own until I had a meltdown in her office and she helped me with that should have been her job in the first place-the laugh was on her because once he was in medicaide I was going to move him 10 mins. from my home instead of 1 hr. traveling time. I understand what you are going through when he was in rehab what ever equipment he needed the PT department got for him with no cost to us inc. a hospital bed a w/c walker special walker and a slide board and urinals all through medicare I found the sqeaky hinge got oiled you have to become a tough b---- you do not get points for being nice no matter what your Mom told you been there
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Sometimes all you can do is stick by the facts. What exactly were you supposed to have done, or not done? I believe you might be entitled to see a written copy of their reports.

You may need to wait a while if your family members are not currently speaking to you, let things cool down and try again. Hope you can have a restful holiday season and look forward to better times
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