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This is actually probably more of a vent then a question. I get so angry and resentful when relatives offer "advice".. instead of doing something concrete to help. For instance, my moms younger sister is buying me books on caregiving This is after I shared with her my frustrations on getting my Mom to accept outside help to care for my Dad.

She has bought me books before on dementia and Alzheimer's.. so they are probably the same books I already have in a corner somewhere.. I probably learn more just by actual experience and by visiting websites like this. I have told her I have a Kindle and have read anything and everything already that I thought could be of any help.

I don't know.. maybe its just me and I should be more grateful.... Ugh! What I really wanted is to have her help me talk to my mom and help me convince her.... not more books!

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So what do you think Auntie's message is here? You should stop trying to bring in outside help and do it yourself? What you are doing is wrong and you need to read up on how to be a caregiver? Or is she genuinely trying to be helpful, in her own misguided way?

I tend to like to research and read up on difficult situations. My sisters do not. I find I have to be a little (or a lot) careful about how I approach them; what I consider sharing useful information they might take as offering criticism. Maybe your aunt hasn't figured that out yet.

If you have a good relationship with Auntie and especially if she has a good relationship with Mother, you might want to just sit down and talk this out. Clear the air. She is sending messages you are not sure how to interpret. Be sure your messages to her are specific, clear, and don't leave room for interpretation.

"I really am worried that Mom is going to wear out trying to do everything herself. I wish we could convince her to at least bring in cleaning help and have the yardwork done by a lawn service. Do you agree? Do you have any ideas about how we can convince her of this?"

She may not help you, but at least you'll know what her views are and how much you can count on her to help you.
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I realize that some relatives mean well when they are giving advice, and directing us to books and articles we have already read. How I wish there was some magically thing that one can say to a parent to make them agree to outside help.

Don't you feel like telling that relative that if the advice sounds so easy why don't they come over and try it.... [sigh]
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