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Mom has had an acute decline in her dementia in the last couple of months. This past weekend was the final straw. She has started to sleep more hours and with more inconsistency. On Saturday, she slept for 15 hours before being aroused by my 'morning' phone call (I started calling at 9:00 AM), by the time she answered the phone it was 12:15 PM. On Sunday, more of the same, I started calling her at 9:00 AM for wakeup call. She answered the phone and asked me to give her an hour. I did. I called back at 10:15 - the line was busy. Oh Lord, She didn't hang up the phone! I continued to call and look in on her (we have a camera) and she hasn't moved. By this time, my brother is calling me to tell me he can't contact her by phone. I tell him about earlier phone call. Since he lives closest (30 min) he decides to go over. It is now 2:00 PM and she went to bed the night before at 7:00. When he arrives he sees she's tangled up in the phone cord and its wrapped around her neck.


My brother stays and makes sure she's ok - getting her 'breakfast' - opening curtains, talking, etc. While there, my cousin calls and says he's returning mom's phone call from the night before - she had no knowledge of calling him.


I was called out of town late Sunday (she was already in bed). I notified my brother and daughter and told them both to start calling mom on Monday around 9:00 AM for a wakeup call. My brother called early and woke her up. My daughter called at little later telling her I would call late in the day. My mother blew up my phone on Monday demanding to know why I wasn't calling. Finally while walking to my car at 4 PM, she called again screaming at me asking why I hadn't call. "Ive been sitting in this house waiting for you all day" - "don't you know what I'm going through", blah, blah, blah - never did ask me what took me out of town.


Tuesday I went over. She was baseline lucid - except for the comment about expecting my dad to be with me when I walked through the door (he's been dead 20 years). We had a nice talk and I told her that my brother and I were afraid for her safety after the events of the past weekend. She agreed that she felt like she was losing control and I mentioned AL for the umpeeth time. She had previously mentioned she didn't want it to be a 'hospital'. I tried to explain to her that there are places that are group homes in residential settings where we could look.


On Wednesday and Thursday of this week I did exactly that and looked into three homes - one was virtual, but I was able to visit the other two. I chose one that is 5 minutes from my house, is in a beautiful country setting with a pond and is just gorgeous. It's an rancher (rambler) style home which has been pumped up on steroids over the years, a great room, residents rooms (shared and private), large dining room, beautiful deck and sunroom. They provide home cooked meals (something she complains about at her ILF-with services), 24/7 on-site aides, laundry, medical, toiletries, etc. It's very affordable. Not making it about me, but I will, I trudged through the rain and mud this week to go to these appointments, make phone calls, talk to her aides where she is now - well, you guys know the drill. My nerves are shot.


Now it's Thursday night and I call mom to let her know I set up an appointment for tomorrow. Very nonchalantly she says, well, I don't think I'm ready - I blew up - I said, well me and 'Bob' (brother) are ready - we can't go through this winter doing this every other week. We reminded her of what she said on Tuesday - things like, I know I'm crazy, I feel out of control, just tell me what to do. I'll do whatever you say. She has reluctantly agreed. BTW, on Thursdays, she has alot of people in/out with cleaning/laundry/OT - these are the days she does her best mentally. It's the long days inbetween that her mind wanders.


Today is Friday 6:30 AM - Appt at 10:30 please pray she agrees.

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Followers: (Maggie and Tese are same person. Tese was Dads nickname for me) (2nd follow up: Saturday morning she called saying she wouldn’t go. Said I was doing things behind her back and felt like we were ganging up on her. I said the usual / for your safety, so it can be your choice, if you hurt yourself again you may not get choice of facility, etc. the phone call ended with lots of shouting on both sides - (I agree I lost it) and her hanging up on me.

At about 2 on Saturday she called crying saying she needed help. Said I’ve been trying to take a shower all day and my mind won’t let me (physically, she is capable). I asked what she planned to do about it since our earlier conversation ended with her telling me to “butt out”. She agreed she needed more help than she thought. She’s headstrong on the theory that because she can do things physically (walk) she is good. I keep trying to explain that her disease is in her mind which prevents her from making good decisions. Says she will go today. Will call shortly to see what page she is on. Thanks for your support.
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Just to follow up - we went to appointment with Mom and my brother and husband. Sometimes mom is more receptive to men than to me. Since they only had a shared room available at this time, she balked and insisted she needed her own room (I agree, bc I wouldn't want to be her roommate). The director of the facility is doing everything possible to make that work for mom. She has one resident who is in hospice so when her time comes, she said she would hold the private room for mom. I just hope Mom doesn't hurt herself between now and then or changes her mind. Thanks for all the prayers and pep-talks. I really appreciate it.
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Tese, May the force be with you. This is the hardest thing next to ending elder driving. I was about to turn my parents over to the state APS because they would not allow in home help or even consider assisted living.

Finally after one of moms many falls she ended up in the hospital and I moved her directly to assisted living. Didn’t give her a choice in the matter. I’d had it. Cajoled dad into the same place a few days later.

It was a hot mess but you just have to deal with the anger and tears. Mom hated me until her dementia worsened and she forgot how horrible I was.
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Prayers sent for an easy transition.

Be sure and find out if she will still be able to do mostly what she wants, that's a good selling point.
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You and your mom are in my thoughts!
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