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Okay - I texted the case worker/social worker, and relayed what my mother said to me last night. Here is what she replied:

"Good morning, thank you for reaching out. I visited with your mom yesterday and went over the discharge plan. I explained to her that Medicare will no longer cover as of 5/23. I explained assisted living, and also how unsafe it is for her to be by herself. She mentioned she would like to be in Fullerton area. 

I expressed my concern to her about finding a safe discharge. I asked if she would like me to talk to you about it, but she declined, and asked me to come back to her on Friday. I do think it is very important we connect and address her discharge plan. I will be free today from 12-1 and 2-3pm

Speech Therapist did an evaluation and found not appropriate for ST."

I mean ... what the what?!? How will Medicare stop on Monday? I know they stop covering 100%, but, what she is alluding to sounds different. I thought she had 100 days per condition - just a co-pay after the 21 day period was over. Am I missing something?

I think you handled it spot-on!

Insofar as them "booting" her out...remember, people hear often what they want to hear, and tune out anything else. If she had a contentious conversation with the "hated" social worker about her having to stay there, to the tune of "well, what happens if a person CAN live independently?" and the SW answered (tongue-in-cheek) "well, sweetie, then we boot them out!" knowing that it has nothing to do with mom, because mom can't take care of herself. But mom hears the part of the answer she wants to ("we boot them out") and, because SHE thinks she can live independently, this applies to her.

My FIL did this before a cancer surgery. He asked the doctor "how long will I be in the hospital, post-surgery?" The doctor said "2-10 days, depending on if there are any complications." Well, of course there were complications, and of course my dear, stubborn-headed FIL only heard the "2" part of the "2-10 days". Needless to say, he was in for the entire 10 days, he was unhappy with it, and then we moved on.

As far as not being the bad guy - you're ensuring that your mom is safe and being taken care of. That your choices aren't between "good" and "bad" doesn't make you the "bad guy". It makes you a reasonable person who is playing the hand you were dealt, so to speak. If the entirety of time on this Earth, our choices were nothing but between "good" and "bad", life would be much simpler. You are doing the BEST that you can, and that's all anyone can ask - or expect - of you.

Well, none of this is surprising. She got you alone and could do her "thing" and she DID it. I would have bet on that. And would have won.
You now know your own boundaries more clearly. No more outings until she is settled in care. She uses these to corner you. You held your ground again and the more you do that the better, the more easy and "habitual " it will come for you to defend your own life.
Do speak with discharge planner/social worker today. Do get all of this straightened out and again make it clear Mom cannot return to you. As others here said, if Mom is rational and was living with you and wants to return there may be a struggle; she is considered a resident.
Do I remember right in that Mom is still considered rational and not in need of a POA? Or ARE you the POA and is Mom diagnosed with dementia.
If she is you are in charge of where she goes to live and what's safe for her if you are her POA. If you aren't MOM remains in charge of her own life. Just do all you can to keep her out of your home, because once there I certainly will throw my own hands up in the air in surrender, because I fear at that point--for you--this would be all over.
You are in a very dicey position until Mom has placement. You may end with needing to move out of your own home and rent someplace simply to escape your own mother.
I hope this is an eternal warning to those considering having their parents move in with them. As one commenter here said "she gets mail there? that's her residence".

I'd suggest not taking her out for dinner again. If you'd like to give her a special treat, get takeout to bring to her.

Kudos to you! Protecting your boundaries, not allowing mom to takeover your life is the best thing for BOTH of you. I wasn’t enabled by my parents, in my young adulthood years, they had nothing to do with walking me thru the doors of AA, what “I” needed, to “save” me. I’ve always revered my mom and dad for telling me where to go, but not doing it for me. I’ll have 38 years in a week.

Flash forward to their youngest daughter, who also had her own mountains to climb, and instead, mom and dad protected her, did not force her to “move on”, and she has always been with them. She is their full time caregiver for deep, intense reasons. She has given them her life, and it all seems too much to me. She says “everything’s fine”. I had NO control or say in any of their choices. Still don’t.

What does the above have to do with you? My parents would never give any living situation a chance, other than their own home, and they did not stay strong enough to stay in their home, without help. They might have been shocked at how good a different solution would have been for everyone. I hope you are happy, and can give your mom time to settle in, and adjust. If she is not happy, well heck, I had long stretches in my youth, where I was not happy, and my mom and dad told me if would be ok, and eventually it was. Good luck to you.

Every single time a young person realizes they DO NOT owe their life to their elders, that making sure their elders are taken of is not the same, as becoming their elders servant, I want to CHEER. The words I just wrote would be considered mean spirited and unloving, by many of my family members. Thank you for treating yourself as good as you treated your mom. Take care.

Good job!

Make sure that they test mom for a UTI.

Folks with the sort of cognitive loss that your mom has, diagnosed or not, mistunderstand what is being said to them, frequently.

The smart folks TRUST their trustworthy relatives to keep them on track. My mom was like this; she knew we had her best interests at heart.

Other folks, not so much. My mother in law played her kids against each other, trusted no one and received poor care, took no advice and died quite miserably.

I hope that your mom can learn to trust you. If not, it's not YOUR fault and not your problem to spend your life fixing.

I 100% percent agree. You did a great job and you deserve a "Bravo" for standing your ground and enforcing boundaries.

You did well my friend you did well! :)

If I could give you a hug I would. :)

You have done a great job.


You have arranged for what she needs to get it.

We who have done what you have had to do APPLAUD and COMMEND YOU.

In fact, you are MY HERO OF THE DAY!

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