Mom has been in SNF for just over two weeks now.
She used to live with me - has for the past three years. Between four ER visits, a stroke in January, a host of other health problems, and now a suspected fall that has left her with limited mobility, she is receiving in-patient rehab largely at my insistence, as she originally just wanted to come back to my house despite being confined to a wheelchair. She is not keen to accept reality, and insists she is "fine" and "can take care of herself".
Fast forward to last night. We had a family caregiver meeting last week, with the social worker, nurse, physical therapist, etc., and started the "journey" towards her ultimate transition to AL. She wasn't overjoyed initially, but by the end of the meeting, seemed to be warming to the idea, albeit slowly. When my brother visited her a few days later, he reported back to me that she was "smiling and talking about the AL places she wanted to visit". Things seemed positive overall.
Last night, I "checked her out" of the facility to take her to dinner (which is permitted). Things were pleasant. We sat down, ordered dinner, and then she said she is "being kicked out in five days". She then further claims she "does not qualify for skilled nursing or assisted living", because she is "perfectly capable of taking care of herself".
I think she is confusing the end of the Medicare fully covered 21 day period. Just for medication management alone, she definitely qualifies for AL, if not more.
But ... it went south from there. By the end of my meal - which I spent mostly protecting the boundary that she cannot come back to my house because she would be unsafe - she had accused me of ruining her life, making her homeless, destroying her financial plans, etc. etc. She said a flurry of other hateful things, essentially keen to cast me as the "bad guy" enough that she would win leverage over me to take back control of the situation.
The good news is, I stood my ground. I didn't falter. I took her back to the SNF, got her back to her room, gave her a hug and left.
Now, I'm no stranger to tongue lashings from her. But, I am human still, and so, so far from perfect.
I plan to contact the social worker/case worker today - who by the way was the one person at the SNF my mom said she "cannot stand". Odd, since she is a soft spoken and very kind person, from what I observed - on top of having one of the toughest jobs there is, I believe.
Just seeking a little reassurance from my "cheering section", which is how I think of all of you. Reassurance that they are not going to "boot her out" in five days, that is not something that they would do. And, well ... that I'm not the bad guy. Intellectually I know I am not, but, my emotional side took a pretty good beating last night.
Sigh. Thank you for propping me up, again and again.
Every time we get a new story from you, Ez, I think of enmeshment.
At some point, when you understand what you are doing and choose to keep doing it, it does become choice, even if choice to just follow old habits. It is often easier to do, and less distressing. So if it works, for you, there's little more to say than that it works for you.
Carry on. It's become somewhat a Chapter Book for us I fear.
I do truly wish you the very best.
I don't see how you can avoid paying for storage yourself if you're not mom's poa.
Have brother ask what she wants done.
The choices are that it gets delivered to the motel or she signs up for delivery and storage.
Let your brother present these choices.
Well done getting her stuff out of your space.
I would and have done the same, my dad thought my garage was his free storage unit. I have a garage because I need a garage dad. Not only did it cost me to get it there, it cost me to remove it. So worth every penny to truly have my space back.
One thing I do recommend, do a month to month with the storage facility, that way you aren't on the hook and mom can do whatever she wants after the 30 days you paid is up.
Well done! Truly a happy Independence Day for you. Done and done!
Barb - that's a good point, about the fees/upfront issue with engaging a storage pod. I need to spend some more time on that, examining different companies/options there.
"Consider having the storage space reach out" ... I actually like that idea. The conflict avoiding side of me would rather just do that alone ... but, I do intend to give her a heads up, at least.
As far as asking my brother to present these options ... I can try that, but, my fear is that the historic pattern - which is, my brother agrees to something with me, but then never says a word to her - will prevail. I wish that were not the case, and I could be proven wrong ... but, I just don't feel I can rely upon my brother to make a case, for anything, really, including this.
As far as my mom being evaluated for vascular dementia - that's a good question. When she was in SNF, because she had a stroke just a few months prior, they did do an evaluation to assess her "cognitive ability" to make her own decisions. What did that test entail? I couldn't tell you - I wasn't present when they did it. I was actually a bit surprised that they concluded so definitively, as the test wasn't done because I suggested it, it was performed because the nursing staff there were concerned and felt it necessary.
Did they test her specifically for vascular versus other types of dementia? I don't believe they did, but, again, not entirely sure.
As far as APS being called by the motel ... yes, I wondered about that possibility. And now with her back there, with a giant walking boot on her foot ... I am sure they are perplexed over the situation.
sp19690 - as to "why should you pay the fees to store her crap?" - well, easy answer, I shouldn't. And while there may end up being some sort of requirement to pay a month upfront to get a pod, I don't intend to continue paying beyond that, if I have to do that much. I will admit that I am trying to do things in the least contentious of manners that I possibly can.
As far as letting her make the arrangements, well ... if her ability to secure long term housing for herself is any indication of her inability to execute on things, I would say trying to transfer responsibility to make arrangements onto her to be futile. She's occupied 3 rooms in my house for over 3 years, and some space in the garage; she would not have been here if not for my welcoming her, though, to be fair. Is it ideal? No. Would any normal adult with consideration and respect both (a) communicate their plans to me, and/or (b) make their own arrangements? Well, yes, I believe on both of those points, they would. This is my mother, however, who has shown me pretty clearly of late that she has no intention of either being considerate towards me, or of taking any steps towards arrangements of any kind - even those that would directly and immediately benefit her, never mind me. So ... while I agree it isn't ideal, I am a very solutions-oriented kind of gal. I want those three rooms of my house back, at the very least!
AlvaDeer - I read the piece that you shared, thank you! I do see a lot of relevance there, to my lengthy history of interacting with my mother, as well as her patterns for controlling/manipulating others (me, and also my brother).
"when you understand what you are doing and choose to keep doing it" - I would say that's fair. I'm working towards a better understanding. And Lord knows, while some decisions I make may be good, certainly not all of them are, or even the majority. I'm a highly imperfect work in progress. But, I do think I'm making some good steps in a positive direction - at least that's my hope. I fully respect your views, if you don't agree! Either way, I remain grateful for the feedback, and will continue working to improve myself ...
Thank you for the tip about the month to month! Even if I end up having to pay the first month, so be it - I can do that easily, and then it is up to her after that. She can either pay up and keep her items, or, not pay and it will all be donated/tossed out - which I highly doubt she would allow, as it is literally all of her worldly possessions, with the exception of a handful of clothes and such. I guess time will tell!
Just the latest and greatest ... mom has in fact rented herself an apartment, with a move-in date of August 10.
She is staying in her motel until then.
I've arranged movers for the morning of the 10th to get every last item of hers out from under my roof, and delivered to her location. That will close the loop on the "I need to access my things!" lingering status quo, and allow me the ability to pick and choose when and how I interact with her.
Is the apartment a senior apartment, you ask? No, it is not. It not only is not outfitted with things like, say, a step-in shower, easy outside access, or its own laundry, it does not include any of the "implied" supportive amenities that a senior complex would. She will be in "gen pop", so to speak. Hoping she at least gets some nice neighbors - but, who knows.
Will she save any money in this endeavor? I don't think so; her rent will be about $1,000 less per month than the assisted living place I liked the most (one that had three meals a day, 24 hour on-site nursing staff, concierge laundry, high speed internet, premium cable TV, transportation services and such - all included in the rental price) - but, she will have to pay her own utilities, manage her own laundry (I think they have a laundry room on site, but, well ... that'll be a cost, still), figure out her own meals, etc. So, when all is said and done, she might be saving a few hundred bucks, tops. The Stubborn Tax, I guess, it could be termed.
I am grateful to be seeing the light at the end of this tunnel getting crisper and brighter by the day. I have come to terms with a great many things these past weeks - and all in all, odd as it may sound, I am grateful for this experience, as it has afforded me the ability to see things far more clearly now than I ever allowed myself to before. No matter what lies ahead, this will give me much greater strength and ability than I ever could have imagined possible otherwise.
And, I have this board and all of you to thank for much of that. Even the "tough love" and mirror-holding, all of those things have helped me, made me think, forced me to face some difficult realities that I admit would have been easier to continue ignoring.
I hope you all are holding up okay, navigating your situations, and that there's light in your worlds like there definitely is in mine.
Cheers to new chapters!
Best of luck!
Where is the apartment? Is it near your brother?
CTTN55 - the apartment is far, far closer to my brother than to me; in fact, it is about 10 minutes away from my brother, and it would be another 30 minutes beyond that to get to my place. So, he is definitely in the "line of fire" on that.
And, I spoke to my brother just yesterday - and asked that he be there at the apartment when the movers arrive with my mother's items, so that there is no hassle on their end. I also asked that he pick up the tab, and explained in no uncertain terms that he will have a far easier time of getting reimbursement from my mother than I ever would. So - I'm also able to manage this entire "chapter" in the saga expense free; I still harbor the cost of the moving boxes and totes I secured, but, I'm going to chalk that up as an investment in my well being, versus try to suggest she should repay me somehow.
Is there such a thing as "culture shock", to be in a place that is so free of stress? I don't know how else to explain what I am experiencing at the moment, than that. New territory for me! Feels incredibly satisfying.
None of this negates that I love my mother, and wish for her to make better decisions for herself. It does, however, indicate to me that I've freed myself from the confines of entanglement and being saddled with responsibility for anything about her situation.
My prediction is that she will stay in the apartment for a period of time - not sure what will wear out first, her physical health, or her stubbornness - but, either way, I just hope that when it comes time for her to admit the ultimate lesson, that it won't be too late for her to chart a different course. It's beyond my control, though ... its all up to her, what she does with her life from here.
Happy weekend, All!!!
Yay you!!
All the best to you, and I’m glad you found a way to direct your brother to get mom to bear the bulk of the cost of moving her stuff.
"The area for the bedroom is 9x9. I do not see space for the curio cabinet or the three wall units, and it would be foolish to spend the $ to move them. Can't they be moved to the garage for a veteran's donation pickup?"
(I told her, weeks ago, that I would arrange a charity to pick up items she didn't want - that was when she told me she "gave herself permission to not make decisions")
I replied simply that the movers were here, and that I'd let her know when they were on their way to her place. I'd be happy to help arrange for a charity pickup there after she makes her decisions in their entirety (versus acquiescing to her suggestion I store them in my garage; I offered to arrange for donation, which she could have agreed to weeks ago, but, insisted she was not ready to make those decisions).
Then:
"I also was not aware of having to make any payment. I neither contracted for a moving service--I do not have a name even. You have NEVER told me I had to pay."
(keep in mind, I paid for all the supplies, spent the time packing ... and let's not even get into the damage to my house, several walls damaged, and the carpet ruined from stains from things she has spilled ... but, I digress)
The message from her continues with ...
"Since you are responsible for putting me out and making me homeless, and refusing to let me make my arrangements, I feel you are liable for my circumstances. I disposed of my belongings and moved in with you at your urging, and assurances that living adjustments for my needs were acceptable".
For context - she moved in with me 3 years ago, when she had to sell her house due to the reverse mortgage she had arranged, and my brother - whom she planned to house her in her senior years all along - was not in a position to take her in. She lived with me rent free for 3 years.
I did not get into it with her; I simply replied to the text to advise when the movers were headed her way.
(my brother was there with her - and she did foot the $700 bill)
Feeling utter relief. My birthday was this past Sunday. You just can't put a price on the gift of giving yourself the most immense dose of stress relief, can you?
Your mom will trash talk you to one and all, I promise--the daughter who made her homeless.
There are some folks you can't help. Very sad.
BUT well done, kiddo!
Well done! You did great!
Your Mom sounds like she had "cold feet" at the final moment. I hope she is settled.
It saddens me the detriment she continues to inflict upon herself via her stubbornness. I continue to hold onto hope that by ensuring I not allow her to manipulate me - which, to be fair, I allowed for a very long time - that it maximizes any chance there is of her adopting a different way to connect with me. I just try to keep in mind that there is what I can control - which is myself - and what I can't, which is her and her choices.
I don't feel the slightest guilt; it is a new thing, to feel that way. I always harbored some sense of guilt, deep down - even when I tried very hard to bury it and deny it was there.
I hope you all are having a wonderful summer!
That is precisely how long it took for her to live in her apartment by herself, before the first 911 call.
She apparently had a fall - called my brother first, then called his wife, and then my brother decided to just call 911. They took her to the hospital via ambulance - she fell onto her face, literally, but cannot remember the fall (not sure if she tripped, if it was a blackout from her blood pressure, or something else). My brother texted me to advise me what was going on ... she is apparently waiting for a CT scan at the moment.
She is still not speaking to me, and the hospital won't tell me anything directly without her permission.
I'm betting they admit her - especially because now, she actually lives alone, and can no longer make the case that she is "fine to go home because she lives with her daughter".
I fear I may end up with a neck cramp from all the head shaking I'm doing today.
Sometimes I literally sit and wonder how it is I am actually related to these people.
Hopefully this will be the wake up call needed for her to consider the benefits of assisted living. At this point, the only thing she is a victim of is her incredibly poor decision making, and self-inflicted misery as a result of those choices.
I am NOT going to the hospital to try to insert myself/intervene.
Onward!
I always feel guilty because I don't feel guilty. Does that make sense?😊
I'm also glad your brother called 911, rather than trying to lift and/or transport her himself.
Relish this time that you have when your brother is primary on-call.
At some time, your brother may need your help and you need to be in tip-top shape to handle the new challenges.
You go girl!