It's been since 2009 that mom suffered a stroke and became a victim of vascular dementia. It feels much longer than that. Little did I know then that when I moved in to help mom out, what I would be dealing with and who I would become.
My/our days are a monotony of repetitive behaviors and routine. I find that if I put my mind in a sort of numb state, trying not to feel, become detached emotionally, I 'get through it'. I have become used to it now. Sometimes I try to throw in something new for her to make her world a little more rich. But she usually doesn't remember and I find myself wondering, "what's the point"? I think I do it more for me.
I find myself wondering when mom finally passes one day (and I don't know when that will be), will I miss her like so many other children miss their parents. Will I think of her lovingly, like a child should think of their parent. I feel guiltily like I won't and that makes me feel like a horrible person. I sure hope that I eventually will. I think of my mom's future memorial and listening to family and friends comment about what a wonderful person my mother was and how I will respectfully nod and say, "yes she was", while secretly thinking inside of the not-so-wonderful person she became and that I lived with. I hope afterwards that I will no longer think of her as the burden I had and grateful that she is no longer my 'problem'. I so want to. I want to feel love for my mother. I am supposed to, aren't I? I also hope I will learn to love myself again and learn to forgive myself for the ugly person I became at times in taking care of her. And.... I hope I never become that kind of a burden to my children.