A caregiver's thoughts---Yours?

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It's been since 2009 that mom suffered a stroke and became a victim of vascular dementia. It feels much longer than that. Little did I know then that when I moved in to help mom out, what I would be dealing with and who I would become.
My/our days are a monotony of repetitive behaviors and routine. I find that if I put my mind in a sort of numb state, trying not to feel, become detached emotionally, I 'get through it'. I have become used to it now. Sometimes I try to throw in something new for her to make her world a little more rich. But she usually doesn't remember and I find myself wondering, "what's the point"? I think I do it more for me.
I find myself wondering when mom finally passes one day (and I don't know when that will be), will I miss her like so many other children miss their parents. Will I think of her lovingly, like a child should think of their parent. I feel guiltily like I won't and that makes me feel like a horrible person. I sure hope that I eventually will. I think of my mom's future memorial and listening to family and friends comment about what a wonderful person my mother was and how I will respectfully nod and say, "yes she was", while secretly thinking inside of the not-so-wonderful person she became and that I lived with. I hope afterwards that I will no longer think of her as the burden I had and grateful that she is no longer my 'problem'. I so want to. I want to feel love for my mother. I am supposed to, aren't I? I also hope I will learn to love myself again and learn to forgive myself for the ugly person I became at times in taking care of her. And.... I hope I never become that kind of a burden to my children.

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Daughter 52 I feel the same feelings.. I know in my heart I will eventually remember the better times when she passes and take condolences from friends knowing they cared enough to show up for her funeral..

Florencel you are now your Mom's decision maker it is up to you to get her the help she needs.. Call your local Elder Affairs and see what services are available. Also let her Dr know she needs help.. Hugs
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My sweet,loving Mother has turned into a (nearly) blind,(almost) deaf, mean spirited (only to me) 90 year old. Out of the 3 children, I am the only one she wanted to move close to. She & my Dad moved 9 doors down from me and my Husband, 13 years ago. My Dad died 1 1/2 years later. She developed Macular Degeneration,fell and broke her back,her hearing left and everything changed. Suddenly she was totally dependent on me. At first it was okay....I quit work to take care of her and we enjoyed being together. She had back surgery and was able to walk, very carefully,made new neighborhood friends and tried to be as independent as possible,for her situation. As her eyesight worsens,she has started falling over things, like those stupid throw rugs that she refuses to take up because, "they look so nice". The more she falls,the more she needs care.....the more care she needs, the meaner she acts, towards me. She refuses to pay for any type of Home Health care...She refuses to sell her house and move to Assisted Living....I hired a Housekeeper and my Mother fired her! I am trying to do all of her house work,plus my own. She has wonderful neighbors who help how as best they can. My Mother refuses to ASK me to do anything.......She says that I should just KNOW what needs to be done and if she has to ask, then she will just try and do it herself! If she tries to do it, she will take another fall or re-injure herself and, yes, more work for me! I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO! We have talked & talked and she refuses to budge........ I can't stay away because I am the ONLY caretaker. Please give me some advise....NOW!!!!
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