The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?


Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"



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Odd, when I click on like it gives two likes. Anyhow............

Thank-you Golden, and you are right. My relationships with family probably won't change. I can always hope. I do believe in miracles. I don't know if I've ever experienced one but ya never know what kind of scraps God has gotten me out of that I was not aware of at the time. Anyway, hope you start to feel better.

Glad, I agree. I don't do good putting on fronts either. It wearies me. I'd rather just be quiet and risk being thought of as a fool than open my mouth and remove all doubt. Others in my family do the opposite most of the time. Everyone likes to drink too much and get loud. I don't drink much and when I do I get quiet, or even more quiet when I'm around them. One of my cats likes to look in mirrors too. My Hubs parents house has a skylight and he would cower every time he looked up and saw his reflection. He'd drag his belly across the floor like cats do when they get scared. Amusing.

Golden, take care of you. Hope mom's pain is controllable. Hope it stays fall for you. This week we have fall back, but it was so cold over the weekend that leaves just fell, not much color to them.

Magnum, must be difficult to see how dad's asset will be divided. My grandma passed before my step grandpa. She did not have much in assets. If she hadn't remarried there would not have been much there. Step grandpa passed and we were shocked that we were in his will to equally share his estate with his six children. Maybe it was a way for my grandma to provide for us since we lost my dad so young. Step grandpa was a very kind man. I have wondered how his kids felt about it. Never a hint of dysfunction, course they were about 1,000 miles away. I am not sure if I ever met all of them.

Fraz, how is mom?

I have read CM's post a couple of times, went right over my head! Maybe it is just too late for too much cerebral thinking.

Always remember, gershun, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I prefer the detach method. I do not do well putting on fronts for the benefit of others. I do not play politics well either. Too inclined to speak my mind.

Well, light fixtures arrived. I only ordered two of one that I need. Maybe one will be broken. Returning with amazon is quite easy. And in this small town never a line at UPS. Love it here.

Backsplash in kitchen is in. It looks much bluer than I was expecting, thought it would look more grayish. Maybe it will tone down when I get some other items in the house. Get out my collection of blue bottles, very blue bottles, maybe that will make the tile look more grayish? Is there a way to tone down glass tile? Contractor has not built in this subdivision before. Waited too long to get natural gas run to house. This is the first indicator that closing may be delayed. Utility provider took 30 days to just get the request for natural gas processed. Water heater is in. Getting closer, but looks like completion will be delayed.

Ad this crazy cat has been using boxes to jump up on dresser. She has just found out what she looks like. Course the way she looks in the mirror I don't think she realizes it is her and not another cat. Cheap and free entertainment!🐱

gershun - nothing wrong with you. It's them. No one wants enemies, but sometimes you have them anyway and there is nothing you can do about it. Just be true to yourself. I doubt you can change the relationships.

sharyn thx - I think the sinuses are getting better. If I am not quite better I won't go. No point in going and getting worse,

fraz -how is your mum doing?

I called a nurse at the NH and asked how much mother was declining and if they thought she was approaching the end and she laughed and said, "No. she is amazing," The morphine is lowest dose and strictly for pain control. Then I asked if she had had any weight loss, but the RN didn't know, so I will ask the aide next time I talk to her. I asked the nurse abut her breathing and she said she hadn't noticed that it was laboured at all. Mother had a "china doll" complexion with lovely pink cheeks up until this year when she became pale. I do want to see how she is myself. If the dilaudid controls the pain better her appetite may improve. Pain does nasty things to a person.
Nonetheless, I called the funeral home and got some information emailed to me so I can discuss things with the kids and make a few choices. When I get down there, I can finalize arrangements. It is the place I used for my youngest son. Mother was there for his funeral and liked it. They have a nice viewing room which we will not use, a lovely chapel, a nice gathering area and beautiful grounds.. I doubt that there would be 15 people there as she has outlived most of her friends and alienated the others and there is not much family out west. Later I will arrange a memorial service in our old home town church down east and the urn will be buried next to my dad's in the local cemetery. There is more family in that area and some of them might come. I want to do the services properly. Mother liked "occasions" and these will be her last ones.

Feeling more at rest about it all now. Taking lots of cold medicine and hoping I can sleep better tonight.

It was a lovely fall day and the weatherman promises we will keep this weather for a while. I hope so!

CM you are such a riot! Seriously! I must admit I did have to read your post a few times to weed out the message you were trying to convey but it did make me laugh and I'm seriously laugh deprived these days so Well Done!

It does say in the Bible that being kind to your enemies is like heaping hot coals over their head. I know that's not exactly what it says but close I believe. The thing is I don't want enemies and I certainly don't want my siblings to be my enemies.

But, I will continue to try to do the right thing. I do believe if you want to make a situation better doing the right thing is mandatory. I know everyone has their own version of the right thing but I'm certainly not going to roll around in the muck with the dogs and rise up with fleas. I'll try to stay clean and flealess.

Thank-you all for raising my spirits with your kind responses. I'd truly be lost without this site and all you good people.

Cmag, very disappointing, I’m sorry. It’s so hard dealing with after life issues of our parents.

(((Hugs))) Gershun! It seems to me I see so much competitiveness between adult siblings. I don’t know if it’s inherent or what it’s cause. I agree with you, family should be a warm soft place.

Golden, I hope your mom’s pain can be managed quickly. You have a lot going on with your own health too. Hoping your trip will not be too taxing on your energy.

Gershun, I'm a bit prone to "knight's move" thinking so bear with me.

There is a *wonderful* tv series called 'Last Tango In Halifax' by the incomparable Sally Wainwright. A propos of nothing at all I can recommend it heartily, it's terrific viewing.

Anyway. Not to spoil the story, but there comes a point where one lead character (A) is extremely angry with another lead character (B), and this comes about just as B is about to marry her female fiancée. Being both angry and drunk, alas, A reflexively texts B "f*** you you mad dyke I hope you have a sh*t day."

Its being B's wedding day, B doesn't see the text until the following morning, when she and her (adorable) wife are lingering over their happy new memories. B and Mrs B are puzzled by the message, being completely ignorant of A's fury; and between them decide that, knowing A, it's most likely her idea of an affectionate joke.

So when A - now hungover, repentant and better informed - gets B's reply, it is...

"Thank you :)"

So Narc Sister decides to unload her catty gossip about Other Sister on you. This makes you sad, and depressed, and regretful. As you might well be if, for example, you'd stumbled over your choice of today's "man's inhumanity to man" making countless thousands mourn.

But how you *respond* to it makes all the difference. Ummm, e.g. "yes, and she speaks so highly of you too."

Find your own way to disagree with NS, and to behave as you think is right and kind. I know she thinks she's bigger stronger better richer more talented more stylish righter cleverer blahblahblah-er, and just going along with such people is an easy habit to form. But she's not *correct* about this, you know. You can make changes without her co-operation.

((((Hugs))))), Gershun. This mist be so painful.

I've watched this in DH's family. His mom talked alot about family unity but held long-standing grudges against various family members and gossiped with each kid about the others.

Not a way to teach your children to hang together.

Well, I'll post this here cause it is the dysfunction thread. I know you are all having your own health problems and then the continuous health concerns of your ailing loved ones, so I almost feel like I'm being a bit selfish posting this but anyhow.

So, I think I mentioned that my family got together for Canadian Thanksgiving. My narc sis was at it again. Talking over me, interrupting, making me feel small. I seriously don't even think she knows that she does it. It's so ingrained in her character. So I spent the next few days seething and feeling sad, frustrated, angry at her, angry at myself for taking it. But I've really been trying to be the bigger person. Turn the other cheek. Do the right thing. All that good stuff. So, she and her husband left for a holiday. I e-mailed saying have a good trip, stay safe. I know I probably sound stupid but I'm really trying here. Trying to keep relations with my not close family. She comes back with thank-you but then starts on about my other sister, trying to create a rift there.

It's so disheartening to always see my family members taking sides. Why do we have to take sides? Aren't we a family? Aren't we supposed to be on each others side? Am I naive? Am I just asking for trouble by being nice?

Some may ask, what's this got to do with care giving. But you see, my Mom's dying wish was we would be close as a family. I get so depressed when I'm around my siblings. It takes days for me to recover from a family get together. I always leave these events feeling isolated and alone and lonely. Just like I always used to feel when I was young. I used to think there was something wrong with me but I think there is something very wrong with my family. It's sad.

Anyway, just needed to vent. Thx for listening.

Well, one of the friendly aides at the NH called and the doctor saw mother today who expressed that she is in a lot of pain, so he prescribed Dilaudid (hydromorphone). I knew that was the next step for her pain control, and it also signifies another step down in her condition. I hate that she is suffering.

I am still troubled by the sinus infection, gut issues, sweats etc., but I need to get down there as soon as I can and see how she is. Her breathing was laboured in May, which I had never seen before. I suspect it is worse now, I also have to get to the funeral home and start making arrangements I know she is closer to the end and want to get some of that out of the way to make it easier for later.

Good news is that dd says my oldest grandson is doing very well. He has Asperger's. has a part time job and is planning on getting his own apartment. The job was project, but is now permanent part time and they have got him doing some computer work which he is good at.

cmag - doesn't seem fair. Hope you have a safe trip.

Take care all.

I saw a document from the bank today that showed how much more my step siblings are getting of my dad's IRA than I am. The only reason for this must be my step-mother's influence. She didn't like me and this is how it worked out. It's the principle of the thing that bothers me the most.

Tomorrow, I leave for my dad's first memorial service in Maryland where he lived since 1962.

The next week, I drive to Ohio.

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