Parents are being stubborn and are leaving me with little to no other option.....

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Part 1-My dad is 77 and a retired person in medical field. My mom is 67 and worked as homemaker and at his office for his entire career. Dad has now been retired around 15 years, mom the same. Whatever he does, she does....... Very enmeshed, codependent marriage. My dad; the successful, educated, older man who met a young, beautiful, non educated, impressionable girl. A recipe for disaster. My father has always controlled my mom and me, frankly, with money and threats. Threats to take it away and in recent years to leave her with nothing in a divorce and cut us both out of a will - a will he just recently made in the form of just pen and paper in his current mental state (more on that below). This behavior has been going on my entire life, unfortunately I didn't understand it growing up. Now that I'm older I see that this kind of abuse, control, holding onto money as a way to control someone else's ( mom and I) behavior has been a problem all along. And at the core of it all is addiction. Alcohol and pain pill addiction that has plagued mom and dad their entire life. He with liquor and pain pills and her with Soma and Valium. Something they were great at hiding, but due to other problems in recent years such as dementia, financial exploitation and inability to self care, failing health, etc. they cannot fool people as easily as they used to, especially me!! So they have been living as hermits last few years. Only the cleaning lady knowing their daily activity and me knowing what they tell me. I live two hours away and work (job has me working some weekends) so I cant get to them to check on them. Not to mention my mom and I have a very strained relationship, that cleaning lady as taken full advantage of. You see, mom is so bitter and angry at my dad for his years of bullying and control, but is too scared to say anything, so I get the duty of being her whipping post (takes all that hurt out on me) and bc I'm now sticking up for myself, telling her like it is, she tells me to not come around so I haven't. So this is where we are - they've been financially exploited (see next paragraph) their mental and physical health is failing and due to me allowing my mother and I fighting and her telling me to not come around, I've allowed things to get this far out of hand.

This all started last week when my mother looked at a bank statement, from a bank my parents don't even use anymore but still have money in, and she saw quite a few withdrawals of money taken out of that account that was not made by her or my father or me for that matter. After a little more digging into things, and I'm just going on what she has told me, she found out that this woman has been taking money out of their bank account and using it to pay credit card bills utility bills and the like. She found this out on Wednesday, it is now Sunday and she and my father have yet to do anything about it!!!!! And mom told me on Thursday that Friday morning was when they were suppose to arrest her. Late Friday morning, something told me to call the sheriff office and so I did. And guess what?? They knew nothing about this situation. Called the bank and they said they too knew nothing. All they did with my mom via phone the day before was change her account number, saying mom never told them why she wanted it changed!!!!

My dad doesn't know what flipping month it is, neither of them bathe for weeks at a time, mom just informed me she has fallen approx 15 times in the past year, sometimes when I talk on the phone with them they are so out of it they don't know they are even on the phone. They have so much around the house they don't even know what they have. It is a thief's paradise. I tried to give them resources to help them clean up their house because it is a hoarders den, I've given them dates when I could come up and plans of which we could use to sort out all of the stuff room by room get rid of things throw stuff away things that they would need to keep etc. etc. and yet they still deny it and say that they don't need help. They are like "we're fine we don't need any help we are OK everything's fine". No everything is not fine!!!! It is far from it!! This situation with the cleaning lady taking money out of their bank account and using it to pay her bills her credit card bills for utility bills this has been the straw that has broken the camels back for me because I am done I cannot allow them to continue doing this. My dad thinks it is completely normal for him to not know what month it is because "hey I'm retired I don't have to know those things anymore or what do I need to take a shower for I'm not going to be seeing anyone today." Does that sound like a good excuse to you!!??? I just feel like my parents have now backed me into a corner and they leave me no other option but to start filing some kind of paperwork for a conservatorship or a guardianship of some sort. (cont on part 2 in answers section to this question) and thanks for reading

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Mom called me this morning saying how dare I involve myself in her business. she told me if I don't come back home to live with them and care for her, I can forget coming there ever again as she and dad "are sick of me acting like a 12 yr old." My God...... I never thought it would come to this!!! I haven't heard from her doc who I called and left message with them to please call me and let me tell them some important info I think they need to know and they haven't called me back today. On another note, my job my jeopardy bc I've been so upset and on the phone dealing with this for so many months, not just this situation. On the plus side, I'm employable, thank goodness for an education! So I'll be looking for work (unless I can get my boss to understand this all - they have seen me cry more times than any boss should - I hate how this all has made me look crazy to them, I'm sure), changing my number and healing from all this as I move forward. I'll keep you guys updated and we'll see how things go. And for those asking, the cleaning lady isn't in the picture anymore and who knows if they will move forward with charges. As I was told today, "stay out of our business or else."

Thanks everyone. Now I'm off to do damage control, do what I have to do to keep my life going. Nothing mom would love more than to see me unemployed and thinking that would drive me back to her. Money is their only currency (pardon to pun) to control others. I'll dig ditches before I let that happen.
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I took my mother home the day after her second small stroke. No point being in hospital unless you need further investigations or treatment.
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Hospital discharge roughly 24 hours after having a stroke???

That’s just seems really off. Even in the case of a minor stroke - I mean, it’s not some ambiguous type headache... Was the stoke diagnosis verified to you by a medical professional? We are talking - blood vessels dying in the brain, right?

Regardless- sounds like your mother told the hospital folk that she didn’t want them talking to you - so you’re not likely to get a straight story anytime soon.

Fine. That’s the way mom wants it - then you’ll just be keeping your nose out of ALL their mess of a life. Take what you said on the phone today and commit it to memory cause you’re likely gonna have to trot it out several more times in the near future.

Funny how they want you to stay out of their “business” until the situation comes along when they want something from you.

But I’m still curious- does the housekeeper still have her job? How is it that your mother isn’t jealous having another woman in her home - around your dad?
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At, boil some eggs, eat them and get some sleep. As the Russian fairy tale says
" Go to bed, go to sleep...for the morning brings more wisdom than the evening"
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Could be that, but (and this is just what mom said so could be true or maybe not... She told me back in the summer she told her doc more about her home situation. Problem is she told him stuff pertaining to life when I was growing up, when dad drank abed it was more the issue than pills. She seemed to not clarify that part. It's like she wanted to share with him about the unstable home dynamic, but not about how things are now which would also include her part in things. Hope that makes sense.

I'm so drained from all this. I can't eat either but man I'm hungry lol!! I'm going to try and eat, lay down and try and think happy thoughts. I'll come back on tomorrow. Thanks again for the support and help!! You guys are so amazing and I appreciate you all!! ❤️❤️
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Atwits, it feels to me like mom, Dad and their doctor are a tight little team. (" we dont need the hospital upsetting mom, shell be fine at home").

You're most like be going to be accused of telling more lies, right?

I feel very bad that you are in this no win situation.
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I just have a second and I'll post more later. I do have update, but first....
thanks to you guys for the support!!! Reading that you all gave me a thumbs up for what I did has made me cry.... happy tears!!!!! Thank you bc I've been worried I maybe didn't do right thing.

I have good support system here too... bff nurse, high school bff SW, my ride or die bff is an attorney and my sweet bf who, although he is on west coast, is my rock and has been such a great listener and advice giver. I'm so grateful for ALL of YOU, so THANK YOU!!!!!

I called mom's nurse around 11 this morning and told her about her self medicating and that she should be aware that my mom is very slick and can manipulate like a pro so she should check to see if she may be hiding or sneaking Valium, soma, loratab and possibly neurotin. And if my dad came to visit, then she def has some bc he would bring it, I'm sure of it. She said she would check and I gave her some other important info (that I have shared here about lifestyle, the bank fraud, etc).
Fast forward to around 345 today and I called back to ask nurse again how she is doing. They discharged my mother!!!!!!!!! She said she had security come up to room and do a search after our morning chat. I asked if they found anything and did that cause the discharge. She told me she couldn't reveal anymore info, but that her primary doctor (who is in same bldg) came over and discharged her after they did the search. Does anyone know what the protocol would be for finding pills you aren't suppose to have on you or maybe she became erratic??? I'm waiting to see what my nurse friend says, but he is working till 10 tonight and I am curious as to the rules. My friend works here in my town so it's not the same hospital, but assume he would know. Any of y'all know??

My dad is retired pharmacist (fitting, right??) and as for inheritance, I hate feeling controlled by money and id fight for them if they didn't have a dime to their name, but I do feel like I deserve something out of their estate upon death. Growing up in that nut house and now this mess...... I feel I have earned it!

Must run now. I'll be back later in evening. Thanks again for all your kind words and advice!!! You guys are a gift from God. I pray every day for everyone here to find peace, solutions and a happy life. And I pray that our loved ones do the same. God, this is so much more and much harder than I ever anticipated. Give us strength!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
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Oops....mistake in the above that I only caught now...

"(I am the only daughter and only child and am not allowed to have any opinions or ideas different from my mother.) "

I am the only LOCAL child. I have three golden boy brothers who are all out of state.
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AtWitsEnd17, what an awful situation for you!

I take it your father is a retired doctor, correct? Even in his compromised mental state, he probably is quite able to showtime before other medical professionals. (And I wonder if doctors "circle the wagons" around one of their own, no matter what, and is this what is going on during medical appointments?)

From my own particular perspective, these are my usual questions: Do you have any siblings? (I am the only daughter and only child and am not allowed to have any opinions or ideas different from my mother.)

I often ask about the inheritance, also. From what you wrote, your inheritance is quite precarious, since your father wrote his own will and could change it any time. I know so many on here say, "I don't care about the money!" Well, I do. I'm not wealthy. I need my 1/4 of my mother's trust when she dies (and yes, I expect it will be mostly intact since she has LTC insurance).

That cleaning woman is a golddigger. She surely knows the approximate amount of your parents' estate (your father has probably bragged to her), and will probably take further action to decimate it to her advantage.

I am angry/annoyed at the leeway that is allowed for mental competence, also. In the U.S., the civil rights of the disease often matter more than the person. And the loved ones/friends have no recourse. In your father's case, incompetence would probably be especially hard to show, because fellow doctors (again, I am assuming your father is a retired MD) would not want to document his decline.

My own (91 y/o) mother has holes in her reasoning, yet I know she is far from being declared incompetent. It is frustrating. In her "competence," she has determined that she makes all of her own decisions and that I am just the DDD (Dummy Driver Daughter).

I am so glad that you have removed yourself from the drama. Your statement to your mother last night was excellent!

The best we can do is to distance ourselves and let the crisis happen...even if it takes more than one. That is regarding parental health/safety issues. I don't really know what to do about the financial exploitation issue, though...and I'm very angry for you about THAT, too!
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You done good, kiddo!

The best next step you can take is to contact the discharge planning folks at mom's hospital and explain that your dad has dementia, that the house is hoarder's paradise and that there is no one at home to be a caregiver for mom. And that you're worried about both of your parents (yikes, dementia dad is home with no support!); and about the drugs.

Ask if YOU should call in APS, or if they will do it, or if there is some way that it can be determined if sending your mom back home with no outside help is a "safe discharge".

My cousin went through this rigamarole with my aunt and her demented dad for YEARS. At one point, aunt fell; demented uncle dragged her around their home on a throw rug for three days before someone stopped by to deliver groceries. Aunt, speaking from the rug said that everthing was "just fine". Turned out she had a broken hip (Uncle attacked EMS workers who removed her to the hospital). She spent three months in rehab and insisted on returning "to my husband".

At that point, round the clock caregivers were brought in, and although uncle fired them frequently, they knew not to leave.

Aunt died of CHF; uncle lived on for another year in a secure VA unit.

Of course, they had an uncooperative doctor, who wouldn't diagnose him with dementia.

Use the resources at the hospital to your best advantage to get help for mom. But if you can't, know that she's making her own choice, as did my aunt. People have a right to their own choices until they are declared incompetent, and it sounds like your parents' dysfunction/mental illness is of long standing, and not something that your intervention is likely to penetrate.

Good luck!
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