Linda22 Posted January 2011

My mom lives with us and it's becoming MORE and MORE difficult.

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Never thought I'd be pouring my thoughts out to strangers like this but I don't know anyone who's caring for, much less living with their parent.I'm 54, married, my kids are young adults on their own. 20 years ago,Dad was diagnosed with Alz and unable to drive.My parents lived in their home and Mom (she's now 90) fought all changes, including legal matters.Suddenly unable to spend every single day socializing,she began calling my sister, in tears, to come get them for a few days.Few years later,Dad went into a nursing home and Mom began staying longer and longer stretches with my sister and with me (2000 miles away).By the time Dad passed 10 years ago,Mom was spending very little time in her home, telling us she just couldn't be alone.She was physically capable of being home alone(wears a full leg brace but no other health issues) if she hired someone coming in to do housework and yardwork.She came from a large, overbearing family and thrives on having people around ALL THE TIME.So she hated the idea of having to deal with having time alone.We tried to discuss senior apartments, options with her but she would turn on the waterworks and utter things about how she was a burden and a bother and everyone would reassure her that "oh, no, we love having you" and all discussions of her creating her own life were gone.She is a master of guilt and manipulation.After 3 more years of essentially living with us,we got her to at least sell the house, rather than my sister continuing to clean and mow etc.Now she needed to make a decision,which she refused and so ended up spending 6 months with each us.She told her friends we made her sell the house and how she was a nomad with no home.She still loves socializing but will not go anywhere unless my sister or I go too, including to a senior center, lunches with family and friends. She has no interests except reading and watching TV and those are just fillers.She has no desire to make new friends, preferring to co-opt mine.She expects us to be with her every free moment we have - we both work fulltime jobs so not a lot of free time here. I leave work, go home and cook dinner while she chats about whatever, watch TV with her at night and go to bed.Weekends, I'm expected to spend my weekend with my 90 year old mother.If I take time for me, she wilts or is sullen.She expects to attend social gatherings with our friends, and they all think she's just so sweet, they encourage it.What they don't know is that this lady has always been "all about me" - when she listens so empathetically to them, her motive is that they feed her "aren't you wonderful" need.She thrives on being fawned over and so is just so supportive and caring.She tells friends and family all of our business so we've learned to be very careful what we tell her.Ironically, with her own daughters,she can't give the support if she thinks it will diminish her attention.So when Dad died,she never hugged us and comforted us and acknowledged that we lost our Dad because in her mind, that would diminished her role as the grieving widow.In fact,she was visably bugged when we reminisced about Dad a couple days after he passed because it wasn't about her.So,here's where we are: My sister (59) just lost her husband and after spending 35 years as a caregiver, has said enough.We believe that Mom's vision of her living with Sis is they will be like the Golden GIrls - movies,visiting various friends and relatives, dinners,watching TV together every evening - contemporaries.Sis however is looking at life after many years of taking care of a sick hubbie, whom she'd adored.There's no way Mom will be ok with sitting home alone while Sis takes classes,does volunteer work,creates her new phase.BTW,Sis and I are extremely close. So Sis has said "done" and Mom is currently with me.DH is adament that we are NOT going to be the fulltime caregivers and I understand that, esp. as his parents are also elderly and we are the only kids in town to care for them. (They, however,are functional, having taken the steps they needed to keep them in their home safely).She can be alone during the day, we think but are concerned as she has fallen a couple times.She can't be left alone overnight which means we can't leave town for a weekend.Because she hates being alone,she has no understanding of my need to have "me" time.DH has been phenomenal all these years,but is wanting to travel,for me to have time for my interests after raising our brood and is starting to say "ok, we need to change something here". Plus he got a rare look at how selfish and mean spirited she can be (only about 6 people have seen this side) as she ripped me apart because I said she needed to see a doctor about her weakening good leg. So, you all have been thru this - how do I deal with this mess now that she's been living with us???? BTW - if you're contemplating this living setup, please realize your first obligation is your own family -discuss,think,pray first.

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PeNnY8426 Jul 9, 2018
A320... If your life is so perfect, I’m wondering “why” you are at this page judging everyone who does NOT have the perfect life!
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PeNnY8426 Jul 9, 2018
I’m seeing my mom in many of these posts. Self-centered, wanting attention ~ woe is me attitude. When my Dad was sick ~ The doctors told us he needed hospice or a nursing home. My mom had just been released from the hospital, where they couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so my 4 siblings and I told her about Dad. Her response, I can’t take care of him, he will have to go to a nursing home. He did and died a few weeks later.
My mom was sick earlier this year ~ Hospital then nursing home (I won’t even go in to the guilt trip she put me on), so I brought her to my house. She has been recovered for awhile and mentions to my brother that she should go back to her house, but she doesn’t. My husband and I want our house back...my siblings only come to visit her, no help from them at all. How can I tell her nicely, it is time for you to go to your house? She can afford a caregiver, if she is lonely, because just like others, she refuses to socialize...expects me to entertain my siblings and their spouses. I’m tired of being a waitress, caregiver, and no help from siblings. I want her to go home! Any suggestions on how to tell her? Because, as you see, I am resenting her now. Thank you.
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jeannegibbs Apr 3, 2018
dgibbs, you'll get more responses by copying your paragraph into a new post. Also explain who got therapy and what kind. How long has she been living with you? How old is she? What is her financial status (can she afford to live on her own)? Is the "us" you and your husband, or are there additional members of your household?

Starting a new thread and giving more details will enable us to be more specific in our responses.

Welcome to AgingCare!
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smeshque Apr 2, 2018
bumping this up, so maybe someone might have some advice. this thread is 7 years old, you may want to start your own to get advice. Best wishes, may God bless you.
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dgibbs Mar 31, 2018
My mother lives with us and we need to sell our home and move away, the abuse and turmoil is beyond what we can handle, we have tried everything, the last step was therapy, that didn't work. How do we have her removed from the house when she refuses to leave? She has threatened to sabotage the sale of the house, is trying to charge us with elder abuse because we want to move on and away, what do we do? I never thought I would need to run away from her but we are all hiding in our rooms and added locks to them when we are home, we go out more then we can afford to eat because she uses the kitchen as a trap when we there, it's relentless.
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Honey11 Dec 11, 2017
I'm so glad I found this as I feel so very guilty at times with my mom living with us but it can be so stressful!! Its nice to see so many are in same situations..
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I'm in that situation, not married yet to my partner and dealing with blended family issues - we both have children. My new "mother-in-law"just lost her husband and job and is living with us in our new home. She is only 60, very healthy with 40+ years of work experience and masters degree. She is always talking about his ex-wife and how great she is/ comparing her and me and off-handed, insensitive comments to my children. The comment to my son yesterday was "nobody loves you." Their father never sees them and they are feeling insecure about the situation in our home. that was completely inappropriate knowing that was a sensitive issue. 
She undermines our new family rules and my authority completely. I'm a very caring and compassionate person with strong religious faith so I was very challenged about asking her to leave our new home. I watched my relationship fall apart with my children and my partner. I tried to be compassionate and everyone suffered. I also physically suffered with an extreme allergic reaction to her cats. I don't sleep anymore and very sad to be honest. My partner grows tired of watching me suffer but I was refusing to "kick her out." Come to find out- he is still married to his "ex" wife which my "mother-in-law" fairly recently told me. We are all very successful, well-educated (stupid) people but my life is starting to sound like a bad soap. My advice- if you really care for mom/dad make sure they live near you. Stipulate specific times when you can see them/activities. If you can hire someone to do their household chores. My floors and furniture, linen, bedding etc was ruined from her aging cats- so you need to weigh the emotional and financial expenses. You will salvage the relationship if they don't live with you- unless it is a highly unique situation or culture where it is expected. Be sure first all family members have a solid history together before engaging in this life changing event. Alive alive I have similar experiences- cooking everything- she will only eat cereal - I've been told over the years my food is good- I don't understand- what a mess
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kbmcgov Feb 2017
Ok, pop died 2 weeks ago. Only two weeks. Mom is an active 81. drives, looks great, does her hair, etc. Only my dad did everything for her. everything. She didn't know anything about the checkbook, insurances, anything. I am an only child. She's been with us since he passed. And I am already ready to run screaming from the room. My husband's family has had so many members pass, that we try and just keep moving, we tell stories, we laugh and remember them. This is the first major loss on my side. But my neck and back hurt. My chest is tight. Oh, and both my husband and myself work full time. We have a small place now, 2 almost adult kids still here, one going this summer. We had planned to downsize and start really saving until retirement. My parents' financial situation has put the fear of God into me, so we need to save, etc, as long as we possible can. oh, I'm 58. I don't want to feel this way, but already do. She's also one to be the center of attention. I can't do it. thanks for listening.
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lol , so get it, stay strong, just a relief to know others are struggling with this curve ball too, dearly love my mum but it is so challenging. much love to all caring for elderly parents
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Your sister has already said enough is enough. Your mother is taking down one daughter at a time. Your mother refused all rational help "including legal matters." Your sister was cleaning and mowing the lawn of a house her mother didn't even live in anymore. Talk about wasting someone's time and energy!

I agree that you need to learn to stand up to your needy mother - who really ought to be socializing with people her own age.

Talk to your sister about Power of Attorney, etc. and both of you start touring senior apartments. Compare notes before taking your mother with you.

Once you've got brochures in hand, do not let your mother's waterworks derail the conversation. Learn to steer a difficult conversation. This is the kind of conversation you keep on having for weeks sometimes before a parent understands that you will not let it go and that things are changing. It's scary but it's not the end of the world. I wish you lots of luck, courage, and strength.
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