Cared for my father for two years, now I am being accused of stealing from him!!

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My father became ill with active TB two years ago at which time I brought him to my home to live with my family and care for him. My name as well as my 2 others siblings names have been on his checking account since my mom and dad opened it more than 20 years ago. I wrote checks to pay for my dad's bills and to get him cash and when I wrote a check for anything I wrote what it was for in the comment section. During this time he did help with groceries and when I was not working and was home caring for him (he has dementia) I did okay it with him and paid some bills on occasion from his account. He has recently went to live with my brother(because he would not allow me to have someone come in and stay with him while I worked during the day). Now my brother is accusing me of having stolen 15000 to 20000 dollars from my father!! I am beside myself, I never took anything from his account without his permission and everything that was paid from that account. Sad thing about it my Dad is going to do whatever my brother says for him to do. Can anyone please give me any advice on what I can do?

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Was your dad supposed to get housing food utilities for free? Ask you brother why he has a problem because none of this was free plus if you were caring for him and bought yourself some beer or went out to dinner so what. I would read him the riot act best way to deal with this nonsense is go on the offense. was your brother paying your bills taxes etc when dad was there. My mom is living with me and the 1000 a month she gives me does not begin to cover the cost of living here, I am insisting on her paying a share of taxes so forth. The alternative is she can go into assisted living where it's gonna cost her 4000 a month. Stand up to him because sounds like he is trying to bully you because he can.
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It's embezzlement in most States for a POA to get ANY personal use AT ALL of the principal's money. The only thing the POA can do is reimburse themselves here or there for gas or other expenses that have been incurred, and even then, exact receipts have to be kept. A POA cannot write checks to cash. It's too easy to claim it's for the principal and use it themselves. Under NO circumstances should the POA be allowing the principal to pay the POA's bills! States have laws against abuse like this.
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My "baby" brother didn't work for 8 years. During that time he scammed my mother ever so sweetly. He'd take her debit card to buy her groceries, and his groceries and those of his roommates and enough booze to open a bar. He bought her cigarettes and his. He had no drivers license because he didn't pay child support so he sold the truck mom gave him. Then he'd borrow her car...and keep it. He was job hunting he'd say. Meanwhile, taking advantage of her forgetfulness, he kept her debit card and bought whatever he wanted or needed. Finally, after eight years, mom's checks started bouncing and she asked me to look into it. It seemed like I had to learn forensic accounting overnight but I tracked down Mom's money. It went to everything already mentioned, hotels that rent by the hour, every liquor store and bar in the county, cable companies, my brothers apartment rental agent, hundreds of trips to ATM Machines. In eight years he cleaned mom out of $46,000 in savings. I told her that's what it was and she became angry and defensive. NOT her baby. Why if she gave him money it was because he did work for her! (Fat chance!)
She tossed me out of the house but before I left I slyly picked up the bag at the bottom of the steps that held all of her bank statements and check book receipts and replaced it with an identical bag containing paid bills from many years ago.
Now that her money is gone he's got a job and never comes around so my children do ALL her errands and shopping. They document everything. There won't come a time when they are accused of cleaning her out because she was broke when they got old enough to get cars and help her.
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Honestly,I thought this was my mom writing this post,because your story sounds so similar to hers.My mother cared for my Grandfather for 4-5 years.After my Grandmother died,he was a wreck,and mentally couldn't take care of himself.After awhile,he seemed to be getting better and we thought it was time for him to go back to West Virginia because he was happier there,all his friends and family lived there.Now instead of her brother accusing her,it's my Grandfather's best friend accusing her of stealing 20,000 dollars from him.With no grounds or proof of these accusations...whats annoying about this whole ordeal is,when my Grandfather was staying with us in North Carolina,he barely called or even visited my Grandfather.Now he goes back to West Virginia,and his friend immediately starts making these false accusations about my mother,and he even ended up convincing my Grandfather that she was "Guilty"He now handles my Grandpa's money and helps him out.The relationship my mom once had with him is in shambles thanks to that man.What boggles my mind, is my mother grew up with his friend's kids,him and his late wife (cancer may she rest in peace).Were like second parents to her.I know I'm just my mom's son,but I see the hurt and heartbreak these accusations do to her.And it makes me angry as her son that my Grandfather,after all my mom has done for him that he would think such a thing.
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vstefans -
The last time he called them was the beginning of June, I believe the medication is working as I have been out of the house the last couple of days. I have told them that he has dementia, when in fact he hasn't been diagnosed yet, I am working on that. I don't think I should call them and tell them that he is not diagnosed yet until he calls them again and I'm praying he won't. I absolutely do not want them to send someone out from Social Services. When he did call them, they called me after and they know that my being missing or wandering off is not true. His confusion has to be dementia or alzheimers, I don't know what else it could be.
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Marialake - Have that attorney draft - or you just write - a letter to your BIL at least pretending you have rights...point out just what you did to us, that the value of your services would have been over $8000.00 a month and pointing out that your expenses were far, far less than that amount - and when you agreed to care for HIS mom, your MIL, you never imagined you could not have any expenses covered and did not even think that would ever be a question. Your loss of income and contribution of labor is significant and if you had known you would have no compensation for that you could not have agreed to the arrangement. He has no moral right - even if he has of thinks he has or claims he has a legal one to now impoverish you as your reward for what you have done for him and for her. Maybe it will occur to him what a complete and utter butt hole he will look like if that were to actually go to trial. Maybe he'd consider elder arbitration and settling out of court if he know you have no plan to just roll over and play dead.

Glendalough, hope you have had a chance for a friendly discussion with the local police and brainstormed a way they can handle to inevitable calls - hopefully they can understand Dad has dementia and just call you to make sure you are OK instead of rushing out to do the whole missing persons things with him every time.
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I want to ask everyone here who says that as a caregiver you do not have the right to have some money from them for caring for them. What are you supposed to do if you can't work because you have to take care of them and they will not allow a caregiver in the house? How are we supposed to support ourselves and live a life, buy food, pay for the things we need? In my case, every time I leave the house my dad calls the cops cuz he doesn't see me in the house and reports me missing or that I have mental changes and wandered away.
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I got an attorney who said that without prior agreement I can't really counter. My attorney agrees that I did nothing wrong - except get signed agreement. Ugh. Now I also have to pay attorney fees. I try to believe the best about people and I can't believe that BIL thinks all my care was worthless. I did call several local nursing homes. For the level of care she required, the amount was between $9500 and $10900 per month.
My husband was seven years older and completely opposite of this brother. We were very happily married and I miss him so much. Especially at times like this.
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Maria, I hope you have an attorney that will counter sue for 2.5 years of 24/7 care that is worth approximately 10-12 k a month. About $360,000.00! The nerve of some people! I would think you may be able to find an attorney to take this on contingency.
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I took care of my bedbound MIL in my house for the last 2 1/2 years. Turned her every 4 hours day and night, bathed her, changed her, fed her, etc etc. I also worked a full time job from my home office. I did this out of respect for my wonderful husband who passed away six years ago. My husband would've been sad to see me take on the task - but grateful.
My husband's brother is my MIL's only surviving child. He never helped me care for his mother. His occasional visits were always unannounced - and uncomfortable. I hated that. He was of no help to me in any way. As she was in my living room for 2 1/2 years............I used her money to pay bills. I had no written agreement. I tried to discuss finances a few times with BIL but he said to me..............."As long as there is enough money to bury her I don't care about the money." So I thought all was okay.
Well, she died - and he is taking me to court for paying my household bills with her money. I now understand that my BIL would not discuss money while she was alive because HE NEEDED ME to take care of her FOR HIM. She's not even my mother. She's his mother! ( BTW her property was transferred to him 2 years ago Had she been in a nursing home, his property would've been taken to pay nursing home).

At this point, it appears that I will have to write a big check to him (who did nothing) for the privilege of giving up my life and home for HIS mother. .. My husband would be horrified and furious at his brother.

Never a thanks - instead a lawsuit.
So sorry I ever took on the caregiving.
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