How do you get an elderly parent to take a bath or shower, when they refuse to do so? Do you have any ideas or suggestions that would help me? My brother and I are at our wits end with this problem. Thank you for any help you may have.
Some senior centers and day care centers give showers. Also would using some nice smelling bath wash help and also make sure the room is warm-older people hate to be cold- is there a chair in the tub.
I am having to deal with my parents in the assisted living facility not bathing. For my dad its an issue of the dementia. I found that he responds to notes, so he is getting easier to deal with when it comes to showering.
However, the real problem becomes mom. For her it is an issue of control. First I dealt with her starving herself (she went down to 74 lbs at 5' 2") and now that issue is done (meds are great). Now she won't shower, which absolutely floors me. She has been immaculate all her life and bathed all the time. Now its definitely out of spite she won't do it.
My mother in the past 6 months was admitted twice to geriatric psych and was diagnosed with "extreme severe depression". It was not because she was lacking, I had an attorney around, doctors, etc who diagnosed her as competent.... it was on purpose (not the depression). Every decision she made she was coherent to a certain level, but I had to give the "okay" she could make those decisions. Its weird. Mom still cannot admit that dad has Alzheimer's and it has made her daily life extremely difficult, and one that has left her totally out of control.... so now the control is down to bathing.
I went to go have a talk with mom because the assisted living kept calling me to talk to her and mom doesn't listen to me. Actually if I say anything, she digs her feet in harder not to do it. So I went to talk to mom and basically told her that the facility was getting an audit from the health department checking records and that she was marked down as not having one for months. Mom got ticked off with me, said a few nasty things and threw me out of her apartment.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. According to the geriatric psychiatrist, I'm supposed to give mom consequences for her behavior (one's I can live with), and now I'm having to play hard ball. I don't like it one iota.... but she's backed me into a corner. Anyone else have this kind of issue? As of this posting the nursing administrators believe she has taken a shower, but we're not sure how frequently they will happen. They want her to take one a week. Am I the only one that is ready to scream?
I'm screaming with you! I've just joined this group, wish I had found it 2 years ago! We care for my husband's parents. And the body odor is just about to make me sick. I can't get my husband to talk to his dad about taking a shower or at least putting on clean clothes. I don't want to embarrass the man, but when you can smell him coming...any suggestions?
The only thing that works with my mom is to tell her she is starting to STINK. She will go 4-5 days without a shower just because her dementia doesn't allow her to realize the days are passing. Hope that helps a little - Lira
My dad responds to notes. So I left him one that he promised to take one before he went to breakfast. He took one and then forgets he cleaned and washes himself again. So the forgetting also can work in your favor! :) Mom on the other hand... threats work.
Despite there being special handhold fixtures in the bath, my mother is apparently afraid of falling. Yes, she often forgets to shower, but if I ask her to and offer to help her in and out, she most always will agree. This is, she prefers baths to showers (and so do I really) but with the glass doors instead of a shower curtin, that is harder for her to do.
Anyway, my point is that it could be that some seniors aren't bathing because they are afraid of falling.
After my dad refusing to bathe for 11 days and the odor becoming horrendous, my husband and I had to physically undress him and lift him into the shower. He was angry and scared and it was so demeaning....I told my mom that I absolutely could not do that again, and we hired a home health aide to come in and bathe him. Yes, there is a cost involved, but it has been worth it...she's now part of his routine and he gladly gets in the shower for her and is happy to see her. I know this won't work for everyone, but it worked for us. We're just too close to the situation sometimes and need to step back where we can.
My mother has some dementia and at 90 is frail elderly. She can't walk unassisted. She is compliant and my heart really goes out to you who are dealing with Alzheimer folks.
If you can't get them in the bath or shower, try sponge bathing them. Offer to help with dressing them and have water and a wash cloth handy. There are cleansers that don't require rinsing. Ditto for hair. Use the warm washcloth on one arm/armpit and then dry it. It can be like bathing a cat :) and you may not get all of it done at once but some is better than none in my plans. My mother loves it when I put lotion on her legs and feet.
My mom also loves getting her face washed in the morning and at night. I help her get the toothpaste on her toothbrush and she brushes her teeth, get her partial plate in, glasses, hearing aide. Then we're ready for breakfast! Food is a motivator.
I got my mother a foot soaker a while back and she really likes it. It's like a mini jacuzzi. She has such tough toenails that I have to soak them before I can cut them.
I agree that it is worth the money to have a home healthcare worker come in to do some of these jobs esp bathing. I also agree that many elderly are afraid of falling in the shower or bath. The benches that fit in the shower stall are great. Consider getting a hand held shower nozzle which makes it easier to rinse when they are sitting down.
I also share your pain. My 94 year old mother is fairly reasonable with everything except bathing. She always says she just had one yesterday. She often becomes verbally combative and abusive when I try to get her to bathe. I have tried the Home Health Aids but she won't respond to them either. She has the complete set up in the tub including hand grips and shower seat. It seems the fear of falling is not the issue, it is getting her to understand that she needs to shower once a week and to understand that a week has passed. What is amazing is that once I get her into the shower, she enjoys it and has even told me she enjoys me pampering her. I always set her hair after the shower and put lotion on her feet and legs and spray her with a nice bath oil and put powder on her. I put a towel on the plastic shower seat to make it warmer and more comfortable.
I have found that the best way to handle the situation is to try to find a time in the afternoon when she is in a good mood and suggest a bath to her as relaxing. If that doesn't work, I tell her to rest and I will be back in a little while to help her bathe. If that doesn't work, I have to get firm with her and tell her that I am not young anymore either and that her behavior affects me and upsets me which is not good for my health. Usually her motherly instinct kicks in and although she is still upset, she will usually head toward the bathroom. I also purchased a small fan forced heater for the bathroom since she gets cold easily especially since the water is not running on her constantly while bathing on a shower seat. The heater has really improved her comfort level. I also have a chair lined with a towel outside the tub for her to sit on to undress before she showers and dry off after the shower.
But as I said originally, the problem is not the bath itself, it is getting her to agree to take a bath. I have tried notes stating today is bath day as well as pinning a calendar to the bathroom door and boldly marking the days she has bathed but these methods don't work well. Does anyone have any ideas how to make her realize that she needs to bathe?
It sounds like you are doing a great job of getting your mom to bathe and having it be a pleasant experience. I would say it's a losing battle trying to make her "realize" that she needs to do it.
Is there a special treat she likes to eat that you can bribe her with? I remember giving my kids one M
Thank you for your response. I always give her flavored coffee and a cookie after her bath but when it comes time for the next bath, she is unable to tie the two together and gets even angrier about attempting to "bribe" her with a treat. I'm starting to think that it may be a control issue as she has such little control over her life now since I have to guide her on everything due to her memory loss. Could this be the reason and if so, what is the best way to handle it?
The sad thing is that she realizes how bad her memory is getting and cries about it often and states over and over that she doesn't want to be a burden but can't help it. Sometimes she wants to go to a home (when I am ill or just getting over an operation) but the majority of the time she is afraid of going to one. Actually, it would be more stressful for me if she were in a home since I would have to visit daily to check on her. (I have numerous health problems but I'm still pretty functional).
My stress level elevates my blood count and blood pressure tremendously when it is bath day. I suppose I have a problem coping with her bad behavior and not letting it affect me and ruin my day. I try very hard not to let her know she has upset me after she has finally bathed but I am tied up in knots. I do try to read a book or lay on the hammock and relax after the "battle" but as everyone knows, it depends on what else is going on.
You are right, the disease makes it a losing battle to get Mom to realize she needs to bathe. I suppose the real problem is helping me cope with her bad behavior. Any ideas or suggestions?
Ann L, Give yourself some credit. Just because we have feelings attached to what we are helping with, doesn't mean we aren't coping. I used to think that meant I wouldn't get upset, angry, impatient, ect. For me now, it means I do what needs to be done. Give myself a pat on the back for not saying out loud what I may be thinking, for not raising my voice in anger.Sounds to me you are doing a great job. In the book "A 36 Hour Day", there are step by step instructions on this very situation. To go very slowly, assist with taking clothes off, constantly talking in a calm voice. It was explained that the sound of the water can be very frightening for our elders. Being closed up in a small space, and yes sometimes it is about control. What would happen if you gave her the choice? Mine also is very aware she is loosing her memory, and she has bad days because of it. I try to help her with a shower at least 3 times a week. I give her the choice about washing her hair. There are many things on the market now to help with daily care. Possibly you could check into some of these things, and you would both be a lot happier. these products are waterless and even have shampoo. So good luck and I hope you understand that you are human and this is just one hard job. Take care of yourself.
I can see how stressful bath day is for you but you need to take care of yourself first. Do you have another family member who could take over the bathing task? I think our parents probably get tired of being "bossed" around by the same person all the time. It's no wonder they try to assert some control over their lives. Since bathing requires being naked, it's like the ultimate indignity.
Would your mom agree to sponge bathing? Like I said, it need not be all done at once and maybe a little bit several times a week wouldn't be so overwheming for her and you. Try a warm pan of water just to soak her feet for ten minutes. You could soak your feet at the same time so she sees it as something you're doing together. Have your coffee and cookies when you're done. She may eventually become more willing to having a full bath.
The sky isn't going to fall in if your mom goes without a full bath if it compromises your health. I try to do a lot of things with my mom to keep her from sleeping all day but I also have a lot of other work to do to keep our home functioning. Yesterday, I woke up with a migraine so we both spent part of the day napping. As caregivers, we must take care of ourselves or we will have nothing left to take care of our parents.
First, I just want to say...God bless all you angels. I am taking care of my father this week while my mother is visiting her dying sister. I do come and stay for a week or two at a time a few times a year and I have been taking dad out for day excursions once or twice a week for years. It gives my mom a break and allows me to give back just a fraction of what they have done for me over the past 56 years. The bathing issue has been very difficult for about 1 year and my mother does the best she can, but is losing this battle more than she is winning. Dad is entering the moderate stage of Alzheimer's and, where for the last few years, the fact that I was coming to take him out would usually be the magic words to get him in the shower, now he would prefer to stay home than to be clean. It is very frustrating and usually ends in tears and guilt on all sides. She lost this battle before she went on her trip this time and we were hopeful that he would relent once I was here.....he didn't.
I tried to gently motivate, tried giving him a choice of days (very bad idea for my dad), tried to be firm (he reminded me that he is stronger than me--even though he is frail), tried humor (he didn't get it) and finally tonite, washed his sheets and blankets that were making me gag and suggested he put on his "clean" pajamas while I wash his favorite clothes (that he hasn't been out of for 3 days now) and asked him if it would be alright if I just wiped off his skin to get the sweat off. He finally relented after I told him that the blanket odor had gotten on him as well and that I wanted him to be beautiful when mom comes home. It wasn't easy and it didn't work a few days ago, but it did work tonite. Now, he didn't take a shower, but he actually asked me to keep washing (everything but his privates). When he laid down to go to bed, I tucked him in and he was smiling (first smile I got all week).
The fact that I went searching for this site shows that this has been a very tough week. The fact that so many of you do this on an everyday basis makes me feel like a whiner. My father, who has always been "difficult" is now beligerent and cantankerous 24/7. But, he is very much loved and at the end of the day, whether you win or lose the battles, it is clear that all of you have a special place in heaven waiting for you. Now, can anyone tell me how, short of prying his mouth open like a horse, to get him to brush (or even run a wash cloth across) his teeth????
What has been working for me is to put a glass of water with mouthwash mixed into it by the bathroom sink and then putting toothpaste on the toothbrush and placing the toothbrush on top of the glass. When Mom goes into the bathroom in the morning, I tell her that I put toothpaste on her toothbrush for her. She then remembers to brush her teeth since it is staring her in the face. Hope this helps with your situation
My mother has never been a daily bather (she grew up on a homestead with no running water) but she used to bathe at least once a week. Not anymore. I noticed her baths getting to be more like 10 days apart a while back. I would remind her occasionally but it made no difference. Now she uses the "no energy" excuse constantly, and I refuse to fight with her about this as I already have too many anger issues with her. When I left town for a month in December, just as she was going through a COPD flare-up case of bronchitis, the doctor got her back onto homehealth visits, with a physical therapist, nurse, and an aide to help her with baths and change her sheets. Since the aide came once a week, my mom was forced to take a bath once a week. Well, the home health aide was cancelled a few weeks ago because my mom said I could help her now that I was back home again. She then promptly refused to take a bath. I would tell her I just scrubbed the bathtub extra clean so that she could have a nice bath (the bathtub is always really clean but I tried to make it even nicer). She put me off. Two days ago, the visiting nurse asked me how it was going with mom's baths. I was so angry I just threw up my hands and walked out of the room without answering her. I heard my mom admit to her that she hadn't had a bath in almost 3 weeks. The nurse promptly reassigned her a home aide, who showed up yesterday morning to help my mom get a bath. I heard my mom bitching at the poor woman through the whole thing (I guess they are used to that), but at least when I asked her if she felt better for having a bath she said yes. So now we are back to the aide coming once a week for her bath. Mom says that they "force" her to take a bath. I have zero sympathy for her attitude. It's bad enough that she doesn't wash her hands (she rubs her fingers together under the faucet) and has no immune system. I have turned OCD about cleaning every surface and changing all hand towels in the house once a day to offset her dirty behavior. She also won't put her clothes in the laundry (she has TWO laundry baskets in her room and all she has to do is tell me to get them or just shove them out her door for me to take to the garage to wash) and wears the same clothes over and over even though she has enough clothes to open a used clothing store. I am a tidy person and already deal with a husband who throws his clothes on the floor and leaves his boots in the middle of the living room for me to trip over. Living with a passive-aggressive slob like my mother is making me insane.
Well I went through with this with my mother. Maybe its the embarrassment of you being around? For my mother it was control and I think someone else watching her (for her safety).
But regardless, if she gets like that with the dirty clothes, stuff them in bed with her and just say "I thought since you didn't mind them, you might like to sleep with them. If you don't there are baskets... otherwise..."
I think too its about choices. I always gave my mom choices. Sometimes they worked sometimes they didn't but I had to be prepared with the consequences I issued with my "threats".
Don't worry about having sympathy. I look at my mom now and how miserable she is, but its all her own doing. I could sit and cry just thinking how she didn't have to have this life (although in exquisite facility), but just the always being so miserable.
But do what you can while trying to keep yourself sane. Be passive-aggressive with her and turn the tables. That will knock your mother right off her keester... :)
My husband has learned more sympathy for me while in this whole thing, because any kind of emotional push, demand, etc... just throws me either into tears or a fit of anger. He knows what the cause is, and I think this whole thing may have STARTED to help us heal in other ways. Just take a breath.... step back and re-evaluate boundaries, and keep in touch here on these boards! They are a great source of encouragement and knowing we are so not alone.
I suggest hiring a home health agency. Another person has made this suggestion as well. The elderly tend to respond better to those dressed as and have the deamnor of health care professionals. These aides have dealt with this type of situation on numerous occasions. They know all the tricks of the trade.
I would like to add some suggestions regarding hiring a home health agency. I had the experience of hiring one and even though they promised someone in their early 40's with experience instead they sent a very young girl who had little experience other than helping her grandmother. I asked for someone else for the next time and again they sent another young girl (18 or 19 yrs) who had very little experience. I had to get my mother into the tub both times as she would not respond to either girl that was sent. As everyone know, getting them into the tub is the hardest part.
My suggestion is to talk to the Home Health Agency and be very specific that you need someone with experience and patience that is familiar with dementia. Make sure that it will be the same person each time that comes out. BE VERY SPECIFIC AND MAKE IT CLEAR THAT ANY DEVIATION WILL BE REFUSED. Otherwise they will send whoever is available and that person very well may not suit your needs and you will still be charged.
My neighbor gave me a good referral as did my doctors office. Ask at your doctors office as many of the middle aged nurses are going through the same thing and know of good qualified people who are retired nurses and do this as a sideline. Please note that they are not licensed and insured when they do it as a sideline but at least you know that they are qualified with experience.
Im so happy to have found this site..... Every post has something to offer. My mother has come to live with us and she has many health issues ans none are fixable, enjoy her for as long as you have left, but some "DAYS" that is very hard to do. She is 73, does not want to shower and every other day is a fight or an excuse. She has been at my sisters for the last 4 days to give me a break and I had to step in because it is now 5 days with no shower, she is wearing a diaper and she will not use toilet paper to wipe and so you can imagine the smell from her, so this 5 days with the same diaper, no hand washing either. I told her if she did not get into the shower that I was going to get some stranger into the house to shower her, It worked.... But the next time will be the same thing. I am so tired as is my husband. I have been taking care of my mother since I was 15, in some way or another and now she is with us. My sister has a hard time dealing with the dementia and my brother took mom in, only after 3 weeks to move her out..... This can be very exhausting... Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, we all seem to be in the same boat....
I am so glad I have found this site. I am taking care of both of my parents. They are not THAT old in age but act like they are dead. Dad is 73, mom is 70. They refuse to take a bath not due to dementia but just refuse. They are very lazy and do not clean themselves or thier house AT ALL. I now clean their house 3x week and when they ask how they can repay me(they dont have money) I tell them all I ask is that they bathe once a week. It worked for a couple of weeks but It has now been 11 days since they have bathed and they still refuse, I have tried, over several months, to use sensitivity, patience, calm talking, firmness, and now temper tantrums. They change the subject or even hang up on me on the phone. I even clean out the tub, bought nice candles, soaps and lotions,a heater for the bathroom, chair for shower, installed safety bars throughout......offered to help in any way. just so they do this once a week. I just dont get it. They do nto get around very well and they do NOTHING all day. Sit in the chair and watch TV. They have some excuse every time I mention it. They had to go to grocery. Or they went to go eat lunch, They cant do 2 things in 1 day. My mom is also a chain smoker and betweent hat and the body odor it is unbeleivable. I just mentioned calling home health to ge them some help and that its ok if they can use help and I woudl pay for it and they went OFF on me. Said they would not open the door and etetc. What can I do. I cant just let them live liek this it would be totaL NEGLECT. It is embarrassing too. They act like they are done living and are ready to just sit and die and I am disrupting that. Please help. My dad has Doctors appt constantly for 1 thing or another, his health isnt great. But his teeth are falling,rottingo ut of his mouth and wont go to dentist and my mom wont get a check up at all for years now. I cannot get thru to them..............i have honestly tried all i know to try...............
I so understand your being upset, I too go through the same thing with my mom. I went to see her doctor and we had a 1 on 1. I told him the things that were going on , pretty much the same as your parents and he thought we might need to get a physc. evualation, which I have set the appt. Phycosis (sp) is pretty close and related to depression, which your parents might be having. I have also set a meeting to get my mom in a senior day care setting for at least 2 - 3 days a week. Now, I am her POA so it does make it alittle easier. The last issue we had was 5 days with no bath or washing and I finally said that was it and I called Dept of Aging and they will be out to get me some help with this issue. As we can not understand the not wanting to shower issue, there is more to it then just that im afraid. Hopefully when we age we will not be like that! All I can say is, Take a Deep Slow Breath..... If you can call the Dept of Aging, they are worth a million bucks.... They have lots of places that might be able to help you and your parents. Good Luck
I have just found this site, nice to know others are having simlar problems. My Dad is just outright lying to me about showers, or we are in the early stages of dementia, and he believes what he is telling me. We have a senior helper come in 5 days @wk for 4 hrs a day, and everything is working very nicely, except about showering. His aid tells me she can find no evidence of him showering (shower or towels do not appear to be used). He tells her and I both he does not need help. He is 93
& doing very well except he has had recurring bladder infections, which I believe could be caused by not keeping himself clean enough. He acknowledges every I say to him, but his body odor tells me a different story. So, now I am trying to be sure he has all the tools he needs to shower. What I am looking for right now is a taller shower STOOL, where he is not seated all the way down. His legs are very weak and if he sits down on one of the lower benches I don't think he would be able to get up on his own. If anyone has seen a taller shower stool, I would appreciate knowing where I can get one. I have found that being sypathtic with his situation instead of fighting and arguing has better results. The older someone gets, the world revolves around them and their problems, they become very selfish, me, me, me. If you are able to understand it is part of their aging, you can let go anger and frustration. Good luck to all.
I'm dreading the loss of our home health aide. Since my mom is not in acute situation anymore, the 5 weeks of home health is about to run out. That means no physical therapist to encourage mom to do her exercises, no nurse to check her 02 saturation, and no aide to make her take a bath. Since she completely ignores my suggestions that she needs a bath (she won't even wash her hands regularly, with lots of soap and warm water. Just rubs them a little under the faucet maybe once a day), I refuse to be pulled into feeling angry and frustrated (obviously I am angry and frustrated but trying to keep it at a workable level). We have the safety bars, the safety stool, I volunteer to fill the tub, I keep the tub sparkling clean, make sure she has multiple big fluffy clean towels, whatever she needs. But I will not follow her around and bug her about taking a bath. I have enough resentment going without adding that to it. So I'm taking deep breaths as I think about this week or next week being the end of home health. Not my problem. Not my problem. Not my problem. I'm SO close to calling my doctor and asking for a Xanax prescription.
Trying again: Do it! Do it! You've got to take care of yourself, or you won't be able to stand up to this job. Take yourself a long bubblebath; light mood candles; do deep breathing exercises, or whatever puts your mind in a happier place.
My Mom receives physical therapy also. She started a new program which is called "Balance for Life". Medicare allows 8 weeks of this type therapy, 6 weeks at 3/wk and then 2 wks at 2/wk. (A Home Health Aid was also approved by the therapist for this time span). The therapist said she is showing improvement so he expanded it for another 8 weeks at 2/wk. I understand that there must be at least a 30 day break in between treatments (16 weeks) and then you can ask your parents physician for another prescription. If your parent has had any falls, a hospitalization or even have displayed deterioration in their gait, the doctor can request a home health company therapist to evaluate and treat. Some doctors and home health companies are more cooperative than others since they all have concerns about being audited by Medicare.
Wait the 30 days and then ask the physician for another prescription for physical therapy evaluation. I'm in the same boat as my mothers home health care is almost at an end and her physician who was very cooperative has moved and I need to find another physician for her. I hope I can find a good geriatric doctor who will not be afraid to prescribe home health care.
However, the real problem becomes mom. For her it is an issue of control. First I dealt with her starving herself (she went down to 74 lbs at 5' 2") and now that issue is done (meds are great). Now she won't shower, which absolutely floors me. She has been immaculate all her life and bathed all the time. Now its definitely out of spite she won't do it.
My mother in the past 6 months was admitted twice to geriatric psych and was diagnosed with "extreme severe depression". It was not because she was lacking, I had an attorney around, doctors, etc who diagnosed her as competent.... it was on purpose (not the depression). Every decision she made she was coherent to a certain level, but I had to give the "okay" she could make those decisions. Its weird. Mom still cannot admit that dad has Alzheimer's and it has made her daily life extremely difficult, and one that has left her totally out of control.... so now the control is down to bathing.
I went to go have a talk with mom because the assisted living kept calling me to talk to her and mom doesn't listen to me. Actually if I say anything, she digs her feet in harder not to do it. So I went to talk to mom and basically told her that the facility was getting an audit from the health department checking records and that she was marked down as not having one for months. Mom got ticked off with me, said a few nasty things and threw me out of her apartment.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. According to the geriatric psychiatrist, I'm supposed to give mom consequences for her behavior (one's I can live with), and now I'm having to play hard ball. I don't like it one iota.... but she's backed me into a corner. Anyone else have this kind of issue? As of this posting the nursing administrators believe she has taken a shower, but we're not sure how frequently they will happen. They want her to take one a week. Am I the only one that is ready to scream?
Anyway, my point is that it could be that some seniors aren't bathing because they are afraid of falling.
If you can't get them in the bath or shower, try sponge bathing them. Offer to help with dressing them and have water and a wash cloth handy. There are cleansers that don't require rinsing. Ditto for hair. Use the warm washcloth on one arm/armpit and then dry it. It can be like bathing a cat :) and you may not get all of it done at once but some is better than none in my plans. My mother loves it when I put lotion on her legs and feet.
My mom also loves getting her face washed in the morning and at night. I help her get the toothpaste on her toothbrush and she brushes her teeth, get her partial plate in, glasses, hearing aide. Then we're ready for breakfast! Food is a motivator.
I got my mother a foot soaker a while back and she really likes it. It's like a mini jacuzzi. She has such tough toenails that I have to soak them before I can cut them.
I agree that it is worth the money to have a home healthcare worker come in to do some of these jobs esp bathing. I also agree that many elderly are afraid of falling in the shower or bath. The benches that fit in the shower stall are great. Consider getting a hand held shower nozzle which makes it easier to rinse when they are sitting down.
Julie Q
I have found that the best way to handle the situation is to try to find a time in the afternoon when she is in a good mood and suggest a bath to her as relaxing. If that doesn't work, I tell her to rest and I will be back in a little while to help her bathe. If that doesn't work, I have to get firm with her and tell her that I am not young anymore either and that her behavior affects me and upsets me which is not good for my health. Usually her motherly instinct kicks in and although she is still upset, she will usually head toward the bathroom. I also purchased a small fan forced heater for the bathroom since she gets cold easily especially since the water is not running on her constantly while bathing on a shower seat. The heater has really improved her comfort level. I also have a chair lined with a towel outside the tub for her to sit on to undress before she showers and dry off after the shower.
But as I said originally, the problem is not the bath itself, it is getting her to agree to take a bath. I have tried notes stating today is bath day as well as pinning a calendar to the bathroom door and boldly marking the days she has bathed but these methods don't work well. Does anyone have any ideas how to make her realize that she needs to bathe?
Ann L
It sounds like you are doing a great job of getting your mom to bathe and having it be a pleasant experience. I would say it's a losing battle trying to make her "realize" that she needs to do it.
Is there a special treat she likes to eat that you can bribe her with? I remember giving my kids one M
Is there a special treat she likes to eat that you can bribe her with? I remember giving my kids one M & M when they used the potty.
Having an activity or once-a-week treat she really likes after the bath makes the actual bath incidental.
Julie Q
Thank you for your response. I always give her flavored coffee and a cookie after her bath but when it comes time for the next bath, she is unable to tie the two together and gets even angrier about attempting to "bribe" her with a treat. I'm starting to think that it may be a control issue as she has such little control over her life now since I have to guide her on everything due to her memory loss. Could this be the reason and if so, what is the best way to handle it?
The sad thing is that she realizes how bad her memory is getting and cries about it often and states over and over that she doesn't want to be a burden but can't help it. Sometimes she wants to go to a home (when I am ill or just getting over an operation) but the majority of the time she is afraid of going to one. Actually, it would be more stressful for me if she were in a home since I would have to visit daily to check on her. (I have numerous health problems but I'm still pretty functional).
My stress level elevates my blood count and blood pressure tremendously when it is bath day. I suppose I have a problem coping with her bad behavior and not letting it affect me and ruin my day. I try very hard not to let her know she has upset me after she has finally bathed but I am tied up in knots. I do try to read a book or lay on the hammock and relax after the "battle" but as everyone knows, it depends on what else is going on.
You are right, the disease makes it a losing battle to get Mom to realize she needs to bathe. I suppose the real problem is helping me cope with her bad behavior. Any ideas or suggestions?
Ann L
Give yourself some credit. Just because we have feelings attached to what we are helping with, doesn't mean we aren't coping. I used to think that meant I wouldn't get upset, angry, impatient, ect.
For me now, it means I do what needs to be done. Give myself a pat on the back for not saying out loud what I may be thinking, for not raising my voice in anger.Sounds to me you are doing a great job.
In the book "A 36 Hour Day", there are step by step instructions on this very situation. To go very slowly, assist with taking clothes off, constantly talking in a calm voice. It was explained that the sound of the water can be very frightening for our elders. Being closed up in a small space, and yes sometimes it is about control.
What would happen if you gave her the choice? Mine also is very aware she is loosing her memory, and she has bad days because of it. I try to help her with a shower at least 3 times a week. I give her the choice about washing her hair.
There are many things on the market now to help with daily care. Possibly you could check into some of these things, and you would both be a lot happier.
these products are waterless and even have shampoo. So good luck and I hope you understand that you are human and this is just one hard job.
Take care of yourself.
I can see how stressful bath day is for you but you need to take care of yourself first. Do you have another family member who could take over the bathing task? I think our parents probably get tired of being "bossed" around by the same person all the time. It's no wonder they try to assert some control over their lives. Since bathing requires being naked, it's like the ultimate indignity.
Would your mom agree to sponge bathing? Like I said, it need not be all done at once and maybe a little bit several times a week wouldn't be so overwheming for her and you. Try a warm pan of water just to soak her feet for ten minutes. You could soak your feet at the same time so she sees it as something you're doing together. Have your coffee and cookies when you're done. She may eventually become more willing to having a full bath.
The sky isn't going to fall in if your mom goes without a full bath if it compromises your health. I try to do a lot of things with my mom to keep her from sleeping all day but I also have a lot of other work to do to keep our home functioning. Yesterday, I woke up with a migraine so we both spent part of the day napping. As caregivers, we must take care of ourselves or we will have nothing left to take care of our parents.
Julie
I tried to gently motivate, tried giving him a choice of days (very bad idea for my dad), tried to be firm (he reminded me that he is stronger than me--even though he is frail), tried humor (he didn't get it) and finally tonite, washed his sheets and blankets that were making me gag and suggested he put on his "clean" pajamas while I wash his favorite clothes (that he hasn't been out of for 3 days now) and asked him if it would be alright if I just wiped off his skin to get the sweat off. He finally relented after I told him that the blanket odor had gotten on him as well and that I wanted him to be beautiful when mom comes home. It wasn't easy and it didn't work a few days ago, but it did work tonite. Now, he didn't take a shower, but he actually asked me to keep washing (everything but his privates). When he laid down to go to bed, I tucked him in and he was smiling (first smile I got all week).
The fact that I went searching for this site shows that this has been a very tough week. The fact that so many of you do this on an everyday basis makes me feel like a whiner. My father, who has always been "difficult" is now beligerent and cantankerous 24/7. But, he is very much loved and at the end of the day, whether you win or lose the battles, it is clear that all of you have a special place in heaven waiting for you. Now, can anyone tell me how, short of prying his mouth open like a horse, to get him to brush (or even run a wash cloth across) his teeth????
What has been working for me is to put a glass of water with mouthwash mixed into it by the bathroom sink and then putting toothpaste on the toothbrush and placing the toothbrush on top of the glass. When Mom goes into the bathroom in the morning, I tell her that I put toothpaste on her toothbrush for her. She then remembers to brush her teeth since it is staring her in the face. Hope this helps with your situation
Ann
She also won't put her clothes in the laundry (she has TWO laundry baskets in her room and all she has to do is tell me to get them or just shove them out her door for me to take to the garage to wash) and wears the same clothes over and over even though she has enough clothes to open a used clothing store. I am a tidy person and already deal with a husband who throws his clothes on the floor and leaves his boots in the middle of the living room for me to trip over. Living with a passive-aggressive slob like my mother is making me insane.
But regardless, if she gets like that with the dirty clothes, stuff them in bed with her and just say "I thought since you didn't mind them, you might like to sleep with them. If you don't there are baskets... otherwise..."
I think too its about choices. I always gave my mom choices. Sometimes they worked sometimes they didn't but I had to be prepared with the consequences I issued with my "threats".
Don't worry about having sympathy. I look at my mom now and how miserable she is, but its all her own doing. I could sit and cry just thinking how she didn't have to have this life (although in exquisite facility), but just the always being so miserable.
But do what you can while trying to keep yourself sane. Be passive-aggressive with her and turn the tables. That will knock your mother right off her keester... :)
My husband has learned more sympathy for me while in this whole thing, because any kind of emotional push, demand, etc... just throws me either into tears or a fit of anger. He knows what the cause is, and I think this whole thing may have STARTED to help us heal in other ways. Just take a breath.... step back and re-evaluate boundaries, and keep in touch here on these boards! They are a great source of encouragement and knowing we are so not alone.
My suggestion is to talk to the Home Health Agency and be very specific that you need someone with experience and patience that is familiar with dementia. Make sure that it will be the same person each time that comes out. BE VERY SPECIFIC AND MAKE IT CLEAR THAT ANY DEVIATION WILL BE REFUSED. Otherwise they will send whoever is available and that person very well may not suit your needs and you will still be charged.
My neighbor gave me a good referral as did my doctors office. Ask at your doctors office as many of the middle aged nurses are going through the same thing and know of good qualified people who are retired nurses and do this as a sideline. Please note that they are not licensed and insured when they do it as a sideline but at least you know that they are qualified with experience.
The last issue we had was 5 days with no bath or washing and I finally said that was it and I called Dept of Aging and they will be out to get me some help with this issue. As we can not understand the not wanting to shower issue, there is more to it then just that im afraid. Hopefully when we age we will not be like that!
All I can say is, Take a Deep Slow Breath..... If you can call the Dept of Aging, they are worth a million bucks.... They have lots of places that might be able to help you and your parents. Good Luck
I'm SO close to calling my doctor and asking for a Xanax prescription.
Good luck -
Lira
Wait the 30 days and then ask the physician for another prescription for physical therapy evaluation. I'm in the same boat as my mothers home health care is almost at an end and her physician who was very cooperative has moved and I need to find another physician for her. I hope I can find a good geriatric doctor who will not be afraid to prescribe home health care.
Best of luck.
Ann