84 year old mom won't leave house or go see family.

She is grieving, depressed and old. Who can blame her.

I think she may be ready for hospice. Pls look into that for her and maybe they will have some suggestions.

In the meantime, get back to work asap. You are not going to solve anyones problems while unemployed and unemployable. You have to think of your own future, which cannot be put off indefinitely while you care for her.

so sorry you are going thru this. My Mon doesn’t like leaving the house either. she does like her tv tho. Dad passed last year after 69 yrs of marriage. Our Moms have lost a huge part of their lives. It may be too soon for your Mom but maybe ask her questions about the old days or how they met. Mom smiles but still sad. That may be too much for her. I think counseling for you for sure. Your Mom prbly won’t go. But you can learn how to help her and help you from getting depressed. It is such a hard time. Bluntly - it F’n sucks. Prayers to you. God bless.

Talk to a professional grief therapist for support / guidance.
She is grieving and perhaps much more.

See this website:

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/grief-and-mourning/coping-grief-and-loss

In part, it says:

What is complicated grief?

It is normal to feel sad, numb, or lost for a while after someone close to you dies. But for some people, mourning can go on so long or be so distressing that it becomes unhealthy. This prolonged and intense reaction to loss is known as complicated grief. People with this condition may be unable to comprehend or accept the loss, experience intense sorrow and emotional pain, and have trouble resuming their own life and making plans for the future. Other signs of complicated grief may include having overwhelmingly negative emotions, feeling preoccupied with the person who died or the circumstances of the death, and being unable to find meaning or a purpose in life.

Complicated grief can be a serious condition. Those who have it may need additional help to overcome the loss. If sadness is making it difficult for you to carry on in your day-to-day life, help is available. Reach out to a support group, mental health professional, or loved ones for support. If cost is a factor for you, ask your doctor or other healthcare provider if they know of any local health professionals or programs that offer low-cost or free help.

How grief counseling can help

Some people find that grief counseling makes it easier to work through their sorrow. Regular talk therapy with a grief counselor or therapist can help those who are grieving learn to accept a death.

There are also support groups for grieving people to help each other. These groups can be specialized — people who have lost loved ones to Alzheimer’s disease, for example — or they can be for anyone learning to manage grief. Check with local hospitals and senior centers, nursing homes, religious groups, funeral homes, or your doctor to find support groups in your area. Hospice care professionals can also provide grief counseling, sometimes called bereavement support, to the family of someone who was under their care. You can also ask hospice workers for bereavement support even if hospice was not used before the death.

For older adults who are socially isolated or have limited family nearby, there are resources available. Try one of the suggestions below:

Online support groups. Many online forums or support groups online are free and can help offer support from the home.

Online therapy or counseling sessions. If you’re looking for a therapist or counselor to address your grief or loss, many offer online sessions that you can attend from your home.

Support books. Books can be a great way to understand grief and sorrow, and they can provide tips to help overcome these feelings. Check your local library or ask a librarian for recommendations.

Community resources. Some communities offer grief and loss counseling or resources. Check with your local community center, senior center, faith community, or hospital to learn about what they offer.

There is a lot of information available. I recommend you find an organization / association in your area and talk to someone personally for support and guidance.

You cannot 'force' your mom to feel other than she feels. Grief is so personal and difficult, and especially for an older person. Professionals inn these fields will help you and give you support and guidance.

If I were you, I would 're-consider' quitting your job and being a full time care provider. Unless you have this experience (the work you left - ?), it can be very overwhelming, and especially more challenging when dealing with your own family / parent.

I intuit that you would do 'better' / be more supportive and helpful to your mom if you worked with her on a part-time basis and had others (one or two) professional / experienced care providers work for / with her 'more' than you. You will burn out.

Gena / Touch Matters

Mom sounds like she has a serious depressive disorder. Grief and depression can look alike so the label isn't the end all. Consulted a geriatric specialist about starting her on an antidepressant; Zoloft 50 mg and a Wellbutrin or Provigil may really help her. Does she have a companion like a kitty or aging dog?? Having a reason to live is a start.

Go back to work. Let her do what she does.

Booba77: Prayers forthcoming.

Thank you for all of the comments. I am trying to give her some space to grieve and have made an appt for her about depression meds. It really helps hearing your perspectives and helps me see it through her eyes. I hate feeling a strained distance with her. I feel like mom wants me there but doesn't want to interact with me if that makes sense so I'm trying to be quietly close by. She gets upset when I leave sometimes but I try to go home to fix her meals because she's doesn't like kitchen noise. The eating is difficult. I'm trying to offer her a variety of different options at meal time and that has been helping. She's not a social person for the most part, and I'm not pushing her to be. I know it's not something I can't fix, but I'm trying to make each day a little less painful and more pleasant.

Note to Longevity Enthusiasts: Before I hear about yet another "super ager" who runs marathons and bungee jumps at 103, many REAL old-old people are struggling day by day. For most of us, old age as presently constituted is a litany of losses, eventually including loss of agency over one's own life. Most of us probably tried to plan and save for our old age. We never wanted to burden our families. But costs are now exorbitant and many of us live in fear of outlasting our money.

I dread losing what control I still have over my life and sincerely hope I do not live to become totally dependent on others. AlvaDeer is SO right that, with some exceptions, "happiness" is present fleetingly, if at all, the older one gets. (I will be 89 in January; my husband--who I'm fortunate to still have with me--will be 96 next week.) Sorry to sound like Debbie Downer but it is what it is. I do try to make the best of it.

My condolences for your father’s loss. Your mother needs to grieve and may take awhile but check with her doctor about her depression.

You should have kept your job. I hope you find another one soon.

I'm sorry about your Mom. She sounds depressed. Maybe medication might help.

Booba, you've been very accepting and participatory in our suggestions, some of which (I apologize) had to hurt. You have accepted and thought about all we said. Given THAT, I have to tell you I trust you to muster through this, just know you cannot FIX pain for anyone, least of all for someone as old you your mom and me, and one who has had this added loss. This isn't fixable. Grieve with her. Allow for that for grief and pain is as much a part of life as beauty and joy. My heart out to you. You are a very kind and giving person.

💕🫶🏽

Sorry for your circumstances, but how would you feel in your mom's shoes?
My mom didn't want to live anymore after my dad died. She was 84 also. Your mom is behaving normal for her age. She is preparing to die also. Isolation and lack of interest is a sign. The health issues that she has also is contributing to her decline of happiness. Don't push your mom. She will need Hospice Care soon.

Let her be, to grieve on her own terms. She is lost without her dear husband. I would be, too. Life doesn't have to be happy every day. Sadness is a part of life too.
Just quietly let her know you are there for her and with her, if she needs anything.

I'm no stranger to grief. When it hits, it hits hard. The worst thing is that loss of a loved one is something that we cannot go back and fix. We have to live with it and maybe die with it, and it's difficult to come to terms with that.

I'm a quiet mourner type. I don't rend my clothing and run down the streets screaming! But somehow my neighbor keeps wishing that I am staying busy and offers suggestions that seem inane. Like playing bunco. I don't want to sit around with a bunch of other women sipping wine (I'm not a drinker) and playing a game that fills no void for me! Especially after a day spent planning my husband's eventual funeral. Lunch with the neighborhood ladies? Not at this time. The only ladies who are free for lunch appear to be the widows; the others are out golfing with their husbands. If you can think of a better way to rub my nose in the reality that I will soon be a widow and that I no longer can golf with my very sick DH, ummm, let me know.

It's hard for me not to be ultrasensitive because this is an ultrasensitive time. Leave me alone as I expand my coping skills. Helping others is what helps me. Bringing a smile to a resident of my husband's dementia care facility makes my day. Quiet reflection is my style and makes me stronger; admiring pix of their adorable grandchildren over chicken salad with the widows, not so much.

Please let mom mourn as she likes. See to her medical issues and investigate antidepressants. But don't bug her. Accept that she's been through hell and is still walking through the hot coals; she can't be who she was before and never will be.

I'm so sorry, and I wish you and mom well as you navigate this passage.

Her friends call her but she won't call them back. Depressed is an understatement. I will definitely make an appointment with her GP tomorrow. She's right down the road and mom really likes her so I think that's a great idea.

I absolutely appreciate this. As a teller of truths. I get that the truth hurts and I need to hear it from someone who can relate to her. She cannot do any of her hobbies anymore. She used to build art studios and entire buildings by herself,l She never stopped moving into now. She absolutely talks about wanting to die every day. I really do want what is best for her even if it is painful. I appreciate what you have to say even if I'm crying about it. I waited to long to come here I think for sure.

I'll take all the truth bombs you can drop. It's tough love I need to hear and I appreciate it.

I agree with the others that you might want to check with her doctor about some treatment for her possible depression. It's hard in this situation to know what to do that's best by mom. We got my mom on meds and she sees a therapist. She is enjoying activities again. We have her in memory care and I visit twice a week. My cousins visit when they can as well. She has made a few friends at the facility which helps, too. She also has a few enemies among the other patients, but mom loves drama and gossip, lol, so it keeps her active as well.

I just wanted to try to help her feel happy again. I didn't mean to force any new lifestyle on her. She said she was lonely so I thought my being there would help. I have been taking her to all of her doctor appointments and doing her meds for a couple years as well as dad's before he passed. I did have caregivers come in before I quit work but she did not interact with them or let them do much. Her health conditions are: COPD, psoriatic arthritis. osteoporosis, a stent in each leg, she's on oxygen all the time and I give her a monthly injection of taltz for the arthritis. Having a hard time finding a decent rheumatologist that takes her insurance close by, but working on it. I will do a better job of giving her space. She will not go into the living room at all or watch TV in there. Dad passed away in there in the chair so that may be why. She lives it outdoors but it's getting to cold to sit out there now. I only quit work because she was having issues fixing herself meals with the heavy portable oxygen and she was lonely and not interacting with her caregivers. I thought it would help but maybe I'm too close to her or we're too alike. She has a large family that meets monthly but she hasn't seen any of them since the funeral in January. I've tried to get her to go but I'm not forcing her to do anything. If I was distant from my mom or didn't get along with her, it would be different. But we've been thick as thieves since birth so it almost feels unnatural like the depression and grief is a river I can't cross. I do appreciate all of the tips offered and I'm grateful for the advice.

Stop orbiting around your mother. You cannot make her happy, no matter what hoops you jump through, she’s at an age where the losses are piling up, happy is over and it’s not fixable. Let her doctor know what you’re seeing, she’s likely depressed, certainly grieving, and needs space. Harsh as it sounds, please accept mom will be leaving you one day, and you cannot alter your life to prevent it. GriefShare groups meet all over and would be a help to you. I wish you peace

After dad died and I was going to stay with mom every day for a week, she told me she didn't want me around, it wasn't necessary.

It sounds like your mother wants to be left alone at this time. Respect her wishes and give her time and space to grieve.

If things don't improve in a few months, see if she'd be willing to try some antidepressants to help her at this difficult time in her life. Wellbutrin worked wonders for my mother when 2 hospitilaztions threw her into a deep depression.

My condolences on the loss of your dear dad.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Why are you trying to force your newly grieving mother into another lifestyle change when she has just undergone one of the most dreadful changes she will ever sustain. She is grieving. She doesn't want friends and hobbies or she would be seeking them out. She is on oxygen, and while you don't tell us what ongoing and chronic illness she has, the truth is that your mother may now wish for the end of her own life. We do not "snap back" and get a new life when we have bereavement at this age, and your coming at her with YOUR ideas of what will make HER happy, in all honesty (and I am myself 83) seems to me somewhat just short of cruel in how unthinking it is.

You should not be dictating to your mother what she should do. You should be asking her how she feels and what she wants. Because she is absolutely correct. You aren't changing old. You aren't changing old and ill. You aren't changing old, ill and bereft.

I would ask you mother is she might consider seeing a doctor with you. Ask her if she would be all all willing to try a mild anti depressant to help her mourn. Ask how you can help her mourning process. Might she like to make a scrapbook. Might she just enjoy watching a TV program, playing parchesi? Ask her for memories. Ask what she is missing most. Ask her how you can help. Engage her in cooking old favorites you remember from childhood.

I am sorry you quit your job. Your mother might be better without your intervention imho. We (and again, I am 83) do come to the point where we have been here and done that. We are tired. We are ready. Coping is too much. Our world is no more--it is the world of other generations. Those of us with hobbies who can still be well enough to participate at all are among the luckier. I am quite surprised that your mother has not lovingly asked you to stop your intervening in her life.

I would attend grief counseling if I were you. Encourage mom to attend with you, but if she doesn't seek help there or from a good cognitive therapist about ways that may make things a bit better, and do not become enmeshed entirely in your mother's life. You should be maintaining your own life now as your parents are approaching the end of their.

I am sorry to be so blunt; I hope I haven't hurt you. But to me your approach to this is from your own perspective, with too little thought about where your mother is "at". I could well be wrong. But it's clear that what you are doing isn't working; my worry is it may be doing harm.

Yes, contact her doctor about anti-depressants. She may also be in early cognitive decline so see about getting her a full check-up and evaluation.

Bring some family functions to her. Invite family members to visit. After you welcome them and visit together a bit, go back to your home. Ask them how she does. Even if she is quiet, she may be enjoying the distraction.

She could be depressed. Send a message to her PCP about her mood and function change and go with her to her appointment. Or ask for the doctor to recommend a consult with a specialist. IF she resists, she is most likely on meds that she has to see a doctor for reniewal.