It's 5:00 on Friday...(my time zone anyway).

ok the only one I can think of may not translate well....
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Deadant......deadant...deadant.deadant.deadant!

Kim n Kanye have inspired my neighbor Jeff Bell to name his new son Taco!

Have to add this one I just heard...not quite a joke but so appropriate for this heatwave we are having...not as bad a some but mid nineties is enuf for me.

We don't skinny dip, We chunky dunk !!!! Hehehehee

still hasnt been one of you brave enough to write to my email for my favorite joke. it isnt vulgar, well maybe it is but sumbich its killer funny..

hahaha boni..

Gross....but funny as hell! Opps HECK!

arent you richer for having been introduced to that joke boni? humor is all we have hon. play it for all its worth.

ok. a dnr man was putting around a fla coastline really early one morning and spots a man in a rowboat. considering the unusual hour the dnr man decides to pull up and see what the man is up to. the bottom of the fellows rowboat is filled with live sea turtles of varying sizes. godd**n man, says the game warden. dont you realize that these turtles are a federally protected species? dude, your in a lot of trouble. well they chat a while and the dnr man decides that the man is just a dumbass unaware of the laws and since the turtles are unharmed he told the man to toss them back, promise to never hunt them again and hed give him a break. meh? fair enough says the man and he began releasing the captive turtles. as the dnr man pulls away he yells back and asked the guy what hed been doing with the turtles to begin with. " oh i eat em " exclaimed the man. no s**t sez the dnr man. " whatta they taste like" ? oh, i dont know sez the guy. kind of a cross between a bald eagle and a wooping crane i s'pose. LO effin L..

Yes sir....if we aren't laughing we would cry. Or drink. Or smoke. Or shoot up.......Thank goodness for all the fun and funny people here!

Gross! What if I said yum? Here's a yum:
Slow roasting pork shoulder for carnitas mañana. Yes, it's hotter than blazes, but I'm doing it anyway. Goes with margaritas and pico de gallo. That will cool you off.
Off to sing tonight. See you guys later. Hi LindaHeart!! I love you! xoxo

Just heard a BOOM! Ran to top of stairs where I can see Mom in her bed! She was not in it! Ran down stairs 2 at a time. She was on her potty.
Damn Fireworks! It's gonna be a long week!

Gross! What if I said yum? Here's a yum:
Slow roasting pork shoulder for carnitas mañana. Yes, it's hotter than blazes, but I'm doing it anyway. Goes with margaritas and pico de gallo. That will cool you off.
Off to sing tonight. See you guys later. Hi LindaHeart!! love you! xoxo

Enjoy! The food and singing.Email cptn for the gross joke;)

just bake the pork till the juice runs clear christina or it will begin to get tough.
also i only have the jar of nickles and metric bolts but may i ask how much you charge NOT to sing?

warning, sexist joke.
a lady went to visit her doc one day and she told him that her husbands anger was beginning to scare her. it was an every evening occurance. doc told her when the husband started getting bent to take a sip of water in her mouth and qietly swish it to and fro for however long it took hubby to calm down. 6 weeks later the lady tells the doc that the technique worked like a miracle and she asked for an explaination. well, sez doc. when your swishing the water around in your mouth your mouth is effectively closed. * snirk *

christina angel !found u there ! llalaa . yip its 5 oclock somewhere ! had too much margaritta yesterday woops !
notice some of ya live in indiana . hey me too ...
captain - i feel like i know you ! the way you talk and all . u and i will get along just fine .. my bro in law he takes care of his mom . my mil . dealin with alz ,
bobbie - we now have two captains here lalaaa .. hear you guys roar and cusss up a storm . pirate where is she ? missin my pirate , christina can sing on the boat ! love you all !!!
im ok but then im not ok ,, baahahaha xoxoxo

Lessee ... it's 4 hours after my 4-day shift, so I guess it's like 9 on Friday, right?

Meh .. it's 4am and I'm awake, so what the heck. 5 o'clock somewhere?

This is a hoot of a thread. Thanks!!

Only funny I can think of is a true one ...

I used to be Customer Service for a computer company decades ago (yeah .. seriously .. this 'home' computer retailed for about 10K, then the PC came along and put it outta business). Anyway .. we'd get calls about all kinds of problems and issues, but the capper was from a caller where I had to put them on hold for a minute while I laughed my a$$ off. To get the funny part: the computer was issued with a specialized keyboard. No Function keys. No F1, F2, F3, etc .. every key had a name: Save, Print, Retrieve, etc. Pretty nifty actually. Also had a STOP key. Worked, too.

So, back to the caller. He's new to the computer thing. And apparently common sense. Had just finished reading some of the instructions that said, "To make the screen 'wake up' just press any key," but was thoroughly confused, so he called in, asking, "Where's the ANY key?"

An elderly woman went to her DR with a nagging problem....
She tells the doc, I have been passing silent gas at an alarming rate.
In the grocery store, in church, at home, everywhere doc, Silent gas!!!
As a matter of fact doc I have passed silent gas as I sit here, several times.

the doc looks at her, pauses, contemplates the situation and begins...the first thing we will do is.....get your hearing aids adjusted!

customer service....we had a couple of those types at my job in Hawaii travel. typically we only dealt with travel agents. but once in a while a convention or large group was contracted thru us, and the general public would call in for their arrangments. One gentleman wanted a four island package, Hawaii, Waikaki,Oahu and Honolulu. (all the same island-Waikiki beach is in the city Honolulu on the Hawaii island of Oahu) or another insisted we book him a train from the mainland to islands, he did not want to fly over water, 3800 miles! chuckles at work!

i never fail to " get " the auto parts men when i buy bolts. we agree on the bolt size and thread pitch them they always ask how long i want them. i tell em quite a while, im bolting on a bumper, leaf spring, etc..

It's Friday Y'all! I've got the AC off, windows open, glorious breeze blowing through the house and the stink is temporarily gone! Woo Hoo! I think that calls for a celebration! I SO wish I drank! popping open a diet coke!

vitamin v is just booze in powder form. i may cack down a couple ativan. i need deep, restful sleep tonight so i can hit my stone project hard tomorrow. moms pain meds are being changed from hydro 10 to oxycodone. as always shes to take them as needed and extras usually abound. after a day of stonelayin my lumbar would be all about one of those hyd 10's.

ah yes love the cool breeze tonight on the East Coast! I celebrated 5:00 happy hour with Baileys over frozen coffee cubes! yum

captain get your rest, but it's still 5 pm somewhere

Hi guys! Glad to see this thread pop up again...I've been lurking a lot lately but haven't felt like posting much. Idk..been kinda depressing around here the last couple of weeks.
Boni - i'm cracking open a root beer. Even if I had a real beer right now I think I'd pass on it cuz I'm so damn tired I'd probably pass out half way through it...and that would be a terrible waste of a good beer. We need a laugh right? So here's a funny celebrity anecdote....while attending a big Hollywood bash actor Jack Nicholson was approached by an attractive young woman and asked if he'd like to dance. In typical "Jack" fashion his eyes slowly traveled down the full length of her no doubt voluptuous body, then back up again, and after taking her all in he locked eyes with her and replied in that dripping sarcastic tone he's so famous for... "Wrong verb."

Speaking of Jack Nicholson, I recently watched "Cuckoo's Nest" again....great movie....and it suddenly occurred to me that the Nurse Ratched character kind've reminded me of someone....hmmmmm.

I went up to town and got some pulled pork sandwiches and a smoked chicken ceaser for a nice treat tonite from the bbq joint, yummy...funny bout the beer comment....I just posted somewhere about drinks...I used to love my wine and frosty cocktail and ice cold one pretty regularly but since ma is now wheelchair bound I am too tired to even bother most times....when I do crack a beer at the end of a hot day, it usually goes to waste. did have a yummy fresh bing cherry n lime daiquiri last week and got the whole thing down. woot woot it was good! but all else just seems to go to waste ;o(!!! probably lose a lil weight tho!!!

Sounds yummy twopups!
Ya ya, you are so funny, and I agree about it being a bit depressing here lately. That's why I pulled up this old thread. We need to escape for a bit, not drown.
Juju...you know how to EAT! I'm drooling here.
Cappy.........you are a treasure to your mom....... and us!

We are getting a steady ,drenching rain here. As a gardener I am loving it! Mom has plans with sis tomorrow......looking like a good weekend for me!

Two pups got me thinking. I have vanilla ice cream and.....KAHLUA!
Definitely gonna freeze some coffee cubes tomorrow. That's BRILLIANT!

This afternoon at work, kept thinking about watching the sunset over the water (my one almost daily pleasure during daylight saving time.) with a frosty glass of beer. On my hour+ drive home the wheels in the head kept turning and before I knew it I was well past the store...too tired to go back. Got home to find husband had eaten our dinner for lunch as I had forgotten to put notes on the food which he should eat and which he shouldn't. Settled on a glass of wine; thunderheads blocking the sunset and no-see-ums are biting to devour the whole body I think. Tried the news but it is all about the George Zimmerman trial which we have heard enough of here in Florida! So will spend some quality time on the computer. Oh, and I think I'll have a second glass of wine!

Cheers lindaw!:)

This I stole from facebook, some sort of boozy concoction may be on the horizon for tomoro....

Amazing Caramel Sauce

Alright everyone, this recipe is too good to keep to myself!
I love a tablespoon of this added to my coffee and nothing more,
or on ice cream, or for dipping apples, the possibliites are endless!
Anyone can make this: Recipe yields 1 1/2 cups (although I usually double it but its just as easy to only make a half batch)

1 cup packed brown suger (I use light brown or golden)
1/2 cup heavy cream
4 tablespoons butter
Pinch of sea salt
1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Melt butter in pot, mix in brown sugar, cream and salt.
Cook over medium-low heat and whisk gently
for about 7 minutes or longer if you doubled.
I remove the pot from the heat, add vanilla and return to
cook for another minute or so to thicken a bit more.
Take it off the stove and pour into a jar then pop it into the
fridge and VOILA you're done!