It's 5:00 on Friday...(my time zone anyway).

I need to run errands and fix dinner and stuff...but I'll be happy houring with Y'all soon! Save me a seat!

is it ok if i start drinking at 4;30? fixed my lady friends air conditioner unit today. i think that warrants a couple drinks.

I Hope Y'all have some giggles for me tonight....I've already had enough $hit.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”
Cheers and Happy Friday to all, Kuli

One more for Happy Hour......

Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria".

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Cheers!

Good one, Kuli! Good weekend to you:)
I'm not wearing my watch, so I'm not sure what time it is. Wink wink. Cap'n you deserve a reward. AC mandatory for the next couple weeks. Drink lotsa water, too, and for all elders who cannot ask for it themselves. One of my pet peeves at the care home. They hate me there, I'm such a nag. I'll just have another margarita and fagedaboutit. Cheetos flying through the air!

Ditto on your number 2 joke. I mean the second one, Kuli.

i love that joke kuli.
heres a good one too. a biker was pulled over late one night for speeding. as the officer questioned him he admitted that his bags were full of drugs that hed stolen from the man hed recently murdered and there was indeed a weapon on the bike. the patrolman called his superior to have a look and the biker agreed to a vehicle search. the vehicle search turned up nothing in the line of weapons or drugs. the seargeant told the biker that this was confusing as the arresting patrollman had reason to believe that guns and drugs would be found. yea, right, the biker blurted out. ill bet the prick probably told you i was speeding too.. he ha har..

Hi guys! I fell off the wagon-had three beers already. Aww, crap-it is almost a holiday weekend. Summer is my weak point.

BTW-my "discussion" about being a better caregiver was in jest-please note-I do NOT think I am a better caregiver!!!


Alrighty then, going out on my deck to relax. Be back in a bit.

Ummm-for a funny --one time my husband sold newspaper ads. True story. This outlet guy bought a full page ad for his big sale!-big bucks!---only thing is my husband accidentally put in the ad----"WE ARE UNDER STOCKED AND OVER PRICED!!!". Needless to say he does not sell newspaper ads anymore!

ok, this one is silly but what the hell. a biker was tooling down a country road one evening about dusk. in his mirror he noticed a speck that was closing fast. as the speck pulled up alongside the bike it turned out to be a chicken. not believing his eyes the biker kicked the bike up to 70 mph which only encouraged the chicken to run faster. kicking the bike up to 80 mph resulted in the chicken keeping the same speed. at a point the chicken trounced the bikers speed and peeled off into a barnyard about a mile up the road. the biker, totally perplexed at this poinr pulled into the barnyard where a weathered old farmer was hanging out. wtf is with this high speed chicken, the biker inquired? oh, thats a special meat bird that we bred right on this farm for his muscle, an eating bird. illbedamned, exclaimed the biker. whatta they taste like? donno, said the farmer, aint nobody ever been able to catch one of em yet..

HAR !!

That is funny Mishka!!
Captain~Funny!! That is one hell of a chicken!!
Sorry I don't any jokes to share but I love reading what you all are posting. Keep it coming maybe it will rejuvenate some of my dead brain cells...is it 5 yet??? Oh darn...it is only 3:20 here. I had lunch so I guess it is ok to have a beer now!!

haha good ones you guys.

Love the jokes and wisdom from Kuli and the jokes from the Cap.
Christina! wassup!
Happy Friday to all and thanks again Boni for a great thread.

ok, I have to go up the dock for a pot luck. If I'm lucky there will be some pot.

lovbob

Hey Mish! love that new thread!!

I just sent a really good joke to Cuz to post on another thread. Maybe he'll post it later. I'm kind of cyber ignorant, don't know how to cut & paste and too impatient to figure it out. It's about women buying a bathing suit and it's a bit risqué.
Mishka, didn't you tell me that You are the BEST Caregiver? I thought you told me that one day...? Lol xo

r

Hey Bobbie! Two captains on one vehicle. Is that like too many cooks in the kitchen?

Christina~I knew I was full of $hit!!

aint a captain alive who wouldnt want to delegate responsibility to a qualified assistant. captain, phoo. i was a private e-1 for over two years . not soldier material is what im sayin.. i was an e-1 cause i got busted with a hash pipe. i made my decision and i stick with it..

na na na na na na, trip green.. lol turkish best.. yea youve smoked tai stick. its childsplay compared to turkish trip green..

Reading seven days ago from today (I'm behind, I was occupied ) twopupsmom post. I hear ya, yep, we get what we get here. Hysterical.
Let's just have fun! Even if someone tries to pee on us! Laugh! WhooHoo!

35 yrs later im not sure im right yet. the turkish people take some things seriously their hashish is one of them.

Cap'n I developed a board game in 1977 inspired by tai stick. I called in Influential Perception. I couldn't remember how to play it when I was not under the influence, however, so it went nowhere. My GF and I picked up a hitchhiker in her VW when we went to get munchies and he was the son of a very famous pastor in our area. No, not that one. He didn't understand the rules of the game, but he ate our snacks. Now he is a pastor in another church. Cheetos Rule!

@Christina-If I ever said I was the best caregiver I must have fallen off the wagon before today!! :P

Love the jokes guys! I am sooo bad at telling jokes. And don't really know any. All I have a true wacky stories. Like the time my roommate in college( years ago) came into our dorm one day and asked if I wanted to go away for the weekend to a cabin in West Virginia with a guy friend of hers and some of his buddies. Now being a "hippie" back then and quite carefree I said "sure!". Well, when we got to their delaptited truck we saw that we were the only girls with about six guys and lots of guns and a keg of beer. We were crossing state lines and we were all nervous as we were under age and at least one of the guns was illegal. So I turned to my roommate's friend and said " OK-here is the deal-if we get pulled over I am punching myself in the face and ripping my clothes and telling the police you kidnapped me" he shrugged and said " what the heck, it won't make that big of a difference anyways". TRUE! Funniest part--I ended up marrying one of those guys!

Because nobody else will?
(the dog and his balls)

yes christina, id like to see you in a string. i have scissors.

Haha-orangeblossom- good answer!

It's "because he can" But THAT works too! Thanks for the giggles everyone!

Mishka, I'm teasing you. But I'm not teasing the cap'n. Yikes. I was never the string type. Even in my 20s. Modest. I've been told it's much more appealing. I'll stay with it, since now I would need heavy ropes. Probably. HaHa!!

OMG, I soo need this tonight! Hi guys!!...Mishka welcome aboard!
Loved the chicken joke cap'n!
orange blossoms - LOL!! I think I peed a little...

Feel like I'm running behind, trying to catch up....sitting here sipping on ice water....oops, I mean ice...poop? Ahhhggh! I failed to prepare! All out of wine and forgot to put a couple of beers in to chill. Got no Cheetos either, but I did find a partial bag of Doritos....? Now all I have to do is find where I put my....my....what was I looking for?

Q: how do you get a sweet 80 yr. old lady to say the F word?
A: get another sweet 80 yr. old lady to yell BINGO!

For sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.