
This member wrote in several months ago when her mom got a dire dx and was about to go on Hospice care: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/managing-moms-home-hospice-care-now-i-have-medical-problems-of-my-own-485342.htm?orderby=oldest
At the time, there was a choice between mom going to a facility or going to her daughter's house with Hospice services, which are minimal.
We begged this poster not to go down the home care route.
If you are in a similar position, please read this cautionary tale.
It is acceptance of reality.
Sorry if that seems harsh. But it IS what happens and HAS happened since the beginning of time.
I did get coverage for most of this weekend. You are correct, it’s the hands on care giving that I can no longer handle. I’m still on for one day a week, but my goal is no more overnights. And ultimately placement if we end up like MidKid, with no end in sight. I’m giving it until the end of March.
I spent over an hour at work putting together a financial spreadsheet for our semi live in caregiver, not to mention calls and texts I shouldn’t be making at work. Then spent my first hour home documenting a bunch of hours that different people put in. I just got a call causing me to knock everything off my end table to answer - it was for/about mom. It NEVER ends. Managing my own household and affairs is nothing to that of one 84 y/o woman. It blows my mind.
Oh, and I’m getting ready to go over for a visit. It’s her birthday. *sigh*
Also, not all states have accepted the Uniform Power of Attorney Act as described here: https://estateandprobatelegalgroup.com/is-a-power-of-attorney-respected-out-of-state/
Making sure estate planning is well covered -- particularly with POA(s) -- can get very complicated. At one time we owned 4 properties in 4 different states with each of us family individuals living in each one of the homes. I was Managing Partner for the homes and our businesses. To make it work we had to have multiple POAs in each state for each person. One state required the POA to expire after 7 years and a new one reissued. One state required specific wording for some real estate actions whereas general wording for the same real estate actions in one of the other states had everything covered. Some were springing and some were general and some were durable. One bank even sent the POA to their legal and said it wasn't valid under their polices when indeed it was valid under that state's laws. As I've stated in other comments, Oregon even limited the POA to financial only. Each had their own time and place and each were used at one point or another to accomplish things in absentia.
Lily, get clarification from that attorney asap. S/he can explain or refer you to one that can explain the rules and laws your particular POA fall under. That is the best way to find out what legal obligations you are/are not responsible for in your state with that particular POA.
Having a non compliant parent is so frustrating! The morphine eases the 'breathlessness' that people experience. Both my dad and my FIL took it and it didn't make them drowsy, really, but it helped them to oxygenate better and they actually were much more verbal and felt so much better with a dose on board.
You really can't sneak that into your mom--can you? I know daddy got his benzos in ointment form and I'd rub a dose into the thin skin of his forearm. I remember one day forgetting to wash my hands afterwards and was rewarded with a very pleasant slightly 'stoned' afternoon b/c I also had gotten a little dose of the Valium. (Wasn't the worst feeling, to be honest!)
If you can get mom to take the morphine just once and let her see how much it helps that anxiety of feeling breathless--it would be great.
I really feel for you. Hope things get better soon.
Just reading the various comments on this thread from the beginning.
I am so impressed by your growth in how you are handling your dad. You are handling everything in stride.
I can certainly tell that your stress level has gone way down.
It’s amazing isn’t it, how much stress affects someone from being rational during their caregiving days?
My stress level was through the roof when I was a caregiver. I look back now and realize where I went wrong. Hindsight is 20/20!
I don’t know how I survived so many years of at home care. I found this forum way too late. I was already deeply embedded in my caregiving.
We all have our own stories that brought us into caregiving and how we moved forward to a better place.
If I could go back in time and take back my excessive worrying during my caregiving days, I would do it in a heartbeat! I drove myself crazy.
It’s wonderful to see that you are able to relax and think more clearly after placing your dad.
Trying to do everything on our own truly becomes counterproductive. We need help. We need rest. We need to live our own lives while being an advocate for our family members.
Please keep posting on this forum. You are a wonderful example of how caregivers can succeed after placing their family member in a facility.
But yes, I was completely blindsided about how mom going to hospice in her own home would blow up my life. Just like MidKid and her family.
In fact it wasn't until the discharge papers were already signed by Mom that the HOSPICE agency informed me that the discharge planner told THEM that "I" was providing 24 hour care. She played both sides. She told both of us whatever it took to get mom out of there before her Medicaid payments ran out.
It makes my blood boil remembering back to all of that now.
My dad spent a year caring for my declining stepmom at home, having no idea her lung cancer had returned. (Side note the great MD Anderson missed this). She was in massive pain. So at the end they finally did a PET scan, found the cancer terminal, and she was admitted after a volunteer at her palliative radiation said take her to ER. So she’s admitted to a palliative care floor. Her end is near, and they start talking discharge . We all said NO, my dad can’t care for her anymore. I had young kids back then and I really couldn’t help that much. They were going to send her to a hospice house. She ended up passing the night before she was to go.
But we had no clue at first how it all worked, and were shocked they were trying to discharge her at all! Why can’t people just stay in the hospital if they wish?
In my case it was family trying to make me a nurse. I care, I am female (yes I know there are male nurses too, but mostly female) I work in health. A natrual fit.
Yet it ATE UP my own life.
That line jumped out at me today.
I have been not been enjoying work & it's same underlying problem! Other people trying to turn me into something to fill a gap, to solve their problem.
Boundaries. I have them yet the constant warfare to them this last year has taken it's toll.
Time to reassess my plan.
Sorry to derail, just that line really stood out.