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You are marvelous. You have taken on such a big load and you are doing it for the love of your mom.

But the burden is so huge, it’s essential that you find respite and support. Try to determine what finances, if any, you have that can be applied toward in-home care, respite care, day care for mom, etc. Other people have made great suggestions about contacting Agency on Aging or similar groups for resources. “Caregiver Burden” is a real social/psychological concern that must be managed, along with and despite your mom’s illness.

We all share your sufferings.

You are marvelous. Your mom would be, in all truth, very proud of you, if she could gain perspective.
-hugs-
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You are only human. I know you say it’s been a couple of weeks, however it looks like you were “introduced” into caregiving in the advance section!

Some of us caregivers caregiver quiet a while before those issues. You have been thrown into the deep end.

There’s a book called The 36 Hour Day that you may want to read. And this forum here will give you encouragement and at least show you these feelings of anger and resentment are actually normal. Not great, yet very common. Also, your mothers behavior is very common. Seems like she hates you…but the disease is messing with her mind. She doesn’t know up from down, real from fake - most of the time. Yet she does have her good moments and yes, cherish those.

What I’m finding out is caregiving is the most thankless job out there. It’s like you volunteered to be someone’s punching bag. Someone who used to love you, but for unknown reasons, now wants to make you miserable. However the reason for the caregiver is known…it’s the dementia. You know your mother does love you, she just can’t tell you/show you they way she used to. Her world is upside down and she doesn’t even know it.

For the long term, if there’s any support you can rustle up…a local support group, in person, online or phone. Forums like this one they will help take the edge off. Educate yourself with online reading about dementia, caregiving whenever you can.

For the short term, take a deep breath. Remember it’s the disease treating you like crap, not your mom. Get some fresh air. Put on some music. Splash some water in your face. Pet your dog/cat…pet the neighbors dog/cat…just one positive thing, no matter how small. It won’t seem like enough, but do it anyway. Go into another room and cry until you can’t anymore. Just know you are not alone and what you are experiencing all of us on this site have been thru or are currently going thru. Look into hiring help to take some of the weight off you, look into financial assistance. I totally relate to the red tape…that’s stressful enough. I blew off a Dr appt that we’d had for months because I had the time wrong! They sent at least 4 reminders…yet I still got the time wrong! At times I think I’m getting dementia! I have so much paperwork….it seems like I’ve been doing paperwork for 2 yrs now! However, if you can get some help, it’ll be worth it.

You are only human. You feel angry when not treated right. Who wouldn’t? Don’t beat yourself up for feeling normal. I wish I could make all this go away, but no one can. Find ways to get caregiver support. It’ll be your lifeline now that you’re in the deep end. Yeah, I’ve told you some things to do….as if you don’t have enough to do already. Do the best you can…you are only human.
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Oh wow. Dealing with all of this at one time has to be so overwhelming. You have a mountain ahead of you for the short term. Hire 8 hr. day help for a couple of weeks, go to a library with your laptop where it is quiet, and address everything you need to address (medicare, social security, assisted living or skilled nursing home for Mom, Will, POA and anything else that needs to be done). Treat it as a full-time job OUT of the house. You can't take care of Mom and do all of this at the same time. I know, I tried to and it drove me insane. Take it one step at a time. You can do this.
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Get your mom into a facility ASAP. I'm dealing with my bedridden mom in our rental apt. whose 92 and feel totally burned out and no siblings will even come to give me a break, plus she's been a hoarder for years!
Since Oct 5th it's 24/7 with no life for me. Lost my job and had to sell my car just to be able to afford food etc. Have to wait 3 months until I can prove to the state she's eligible for medicaid due to them wanting her last 3 bank statements. Then once she qualifies hospice will proceed to get her in a Long Term Facility before I'm totally broke at 65 yrs old. :(
The only help I'm getting right now is a Hospice aid that comes to sponge bathe her once or twice a week in her hospital bed and a nurse visits to see her vitals and order her meds.
It's time to take care of you and avoid what so many of us are dealing with.
Good Luck
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I understand your pain. Im 38 only child and we have no family in SC. Its just me and mom. I have recently lost 2 jobs because I had to take care of mom. And I had a really bad anxiety attack at work. They let me go till I got everything in order. I have thought about being my moms full time caregiver. Im going to talk to Medicade today about being a paid caregiver. Its hard! Me and mom dont see eye to eye. Never have. But the thought of me putting her in a home breaks me down! Mom has no other income but her little SS. And her Medicare. Im waiting on Medicade. Im now her POA. If you feel burned out. Call for a in home care nurse to come in a couple times a week. Medicare will pay for it. Making all these decisions on your own is mentally exhausting. I really feel like im losing my mind at times. But I can say im grateful im here to help my mom. I wouldnt want anyone else to do it. Look up Teepa snow on you tube or Facebook. Also look up groups on Facebook(if you have it) there is a bunch of private groups on there to help you get things off your chest. Good luck to you
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You can not do this alone period!
You will get Burn Out!
You have to get Caregiver Help before both of you end up in a Nursing Home.
Check with her Insurance and see what is available.
You might could have her put on Home Health where she would have Aides coming 2-3 times a week to help her shower and a Nurse come 1-2 times a month to your Home.


You need someone to give you a 8 hr break 2-3 times a week Minimum.
You might check with Free SeniorAdult Day Care and see if she can go somewhere for a few hours in the mornings.
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You are the best daughter in the world! But please listen to this story. A young man...slightly older than you, an only child, gave up his job to look after his parents. Eventually his parents died and the young man was 60. Because he had paid the rent and bills from his parent's social security and pensions, which terminated at death, he became indigent. He found housing at one point, but it was short lived and he goes month to month wondering where he will live. Don't let this be you.
You must find a job, if only to earn Social security when you are older and to interact with others. Get mom on SSI and Medicaid. She is already eligible for Medicare. Care for her but don't die doing so. Btw, it's normal to feel like you're drowning. It takes a while before you can get the paperwork and schedule in place. Hugs to you. You are doing great!!!
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A great resource for coping is Leeza's Care Connection! Fortunately it is local for me but the Pandemic has led to them providing most of the services virtually which have been extremely valuable. They have various support groups that meet in person along with a zoom link to involve anyone who can not attend.
Check out...
https://leezascareconnection.org/programs
It was fouded by Leeza Gibbons whose mother died with Alzheimers so she totally understands the stress of caregiving.
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You MUST put your financial needs ahead of all else. You can’t care for anyone until you care for yourself. You have to concentrate on your own financial solvency. THEN investigate all means of getting help for her because <one person cannot do it all.>Not without serious consequences. She risks losing you as a caregiver if you continue to do it alone. Ask family &/or friends for some assistance. I think your reaction to this situation is related to your (well-founded)
concern for your own health & wellbeing. Good luck:( I was in your shoes, but did not quit working until I was eligible for retirement) take care of yourself!
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I can relate to a lot of what you said. You're not alone, but you need a better support network around you. Maybe contact services near you for some help and/or counseling services so you can take some you time.
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You sound a lot like what I've gone through. Let me tell you - if you don't get out of this situation - it's going to get worse. Eventually she'll be bedbound/incontinent/etc and you will be trapped as her 24/7 Caregiver.

Let the hell I live inspire you to better your situation. You are still young, there's still hope for you to have a good life. Find a way to get out - away from Caregiving for her the rest of your life.

As an only child, over time you will wind up isolated with her. without help. At least you have other family members to speak to.
Call the Area Agency of Aging, find a Social Worker to help you with advice.

Talk to them, see how they can help you re-start your life before it's too late for you.
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There is a lot of desperation in your post (rightfully so). You are way too young to give up your life to be your mother's 24/7/365 slave, don't you think?

Do you have POA/HCPOA for your mother?
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This has to stop today. It's time to start looking at handicapped housing communities for your mother. There are many nice places, and the rent is based on a sliding scale. So there are people of mixed incomes living in these places. They also allow home/health aides and usually have some of their own staff.
If your mother possesses no independence, then look at some care facilities to place her in.
Start doing this now. I'll tell you what will happen if you don't. Not what might happen but what WILL happen.
You become a slave of sorts and lose your own independence. Then because mom is paying the rent that will turn into her having to support you because you don't work and do nothing for her. If you think your life is a misery now, just wait. Let your situation continue until weeks turn into months and months turn into years. Then you become me. There is no joy or hope. You live as a slave and at the mercy and whim of the person you're forced to take care of for free. You can look forward to them grinding you down into dust because they're the one paying the rent and "letting" you live in their house out of the goodness of their hearts. This is what your life will become. You become a loser in the eyes of everyone you know including yourself because you've been discounted, devalued and abused for so long that it's become a way of life for you. Whatever love you had for mom disappears and turns to anger, resentment and guilt. You will beat yourself up with guilt because of the anger you feel because the love you had for your mom is replaced with resentment and dread. This is where your life is headed if you let this caregiving situation continue as it is.
Be your mother's daughter not her caregiver. You will both be far happier in the long run. Good luck to you.
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I'm 65 also, and cannot FATHOM asking any of my kids to step in and take care of me. I'd live in the streets first, seriously.

You quit your job to care for her? Are you concerned about your long term finances? You cannot be very old, and probably have 20+ years still to work and save.

It is NOT your fault your mom ruined her health with poor choices. She should and could be living independently with some help and you could oversee that--all the while having your own life.

My mother also tells me about all her aches and pains and whatnot. I truly don't know what is REALLY wrong with her (aside from being 92!)..she plays a good game, for sure.

I'm sorry mom had strokes. But they're not your problem to fix, not can you. And as far as FT CG, it gets 'better' but not really. I think you just kind of sigh and give up.

How about you take an afternoon off and go sit somewhere that's NOT home and gather your thoughts. Is mom going to get 'better' enough that she will be able to live alone? Or do you need to start shopping for an ALF for her? Look at getting back into the workforce, maybe just PT right now, or even from home. Then when you leave, placing mom or not, you won't be totally broke. Do it slowly and tell mom as you go what you're doing.

Yep-the SS thing is a pain to navigate! I swear they make it harder and harder on people who have less ability to navigate it!!!

You have potentially 25-30 more years of the same old, same old. If you can handle that, good for you. Few people can.

Most of all--DO NOT LET GUILT GET TO YOU!! You have nothing about which to feel guilty!

((Hugs))
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If this arrangement is to be successful, to either of you, I think it would help to establish some parameters.   E.g., if she argues or refuses, explain to her what the consequences could be, and that you aren't the person who could control them w/o her cooperation.  Then leave the room and let her contemplate what you've just said.  If polite conversations can't be had, just withdraw whenever that happens.   Don't engage.

Consider what your own parameters of participation will be.

Also, treat this as a job.   Outline your tasks for the day, work on them, take breaks when needs, especially when she's being difficult.   

I do understand the immediate immersion into caregiving and how overwhelming it can be.  But remember, you're caring not only for her, but for yourself.   You're ENTITLED to have down time.
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Rone, welcome!!

Please tell me (I'm genuinely curious) what your plan is for
1. Supporting yourself
2. Being able to retire
3. Having a social life
4. Being able to maintain your health, physical and mental?

It doesn’t seem like this is a viable caregiving situation for you OR your mom.

I think in your shoes I would reach out to the local Area Agency on Aging and get her a "needs assessment" and possibly case management. You leapt in to care for her during the "emergency" phase; now it’s time for a long term solution to her needs.

The long term solution cannot be you sacrificing the rest of your life.
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Stroke is a game changer. It can steal a person's independence in an instant.

After a stroke, if going home after hospital/rehab to live independant again is not possible, the options I can think of are A. live with family (if you have one & they agree), B. move into supervised living (AL or NH). or C. hire a fleet of aides (if financially & mentally able).

You choose A. as a gut reaction, to help - from love & duty.

But if A. doesn't work out to be a workable plan... what's next? What other options are available to you?

Maybe A. plus as much hire help as can be obtained & afforded? But the stress & financial insecurity for you will continue. Tell me why B. is off the table?
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Your feelings are normal.
Sometimes, when elderly people have aches and pains, they want others to feel their pain.
It's very draining. Maybe hire a caregiver to help with mom. So you can ha e some respite.
Please take time for yourself too. Big hug.
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