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I agree that you are in a difficult situation living with a mom with dementia (the tirades are because she "forgot" where she placed things) and paranoia (the constant accusations which are fueled by fear and anxiety). She also appears to be outspoken and demanding - which are hard to handle in a home situation 24/7.

I know you didn't ask for advice, but may I make some suggestions?

Mom could be evaluated by a psychiatrist that specializes in older people. He/She could prescribe medications that might calm her anxiety and make her easier to live with.

Talk with a counsellor about your situation with the goal of creating better ways of coping with mom's negative behavior. I am concerned that you keep retreating into more and more isolation instead of mom experiencing consequences for her negative behavior.

Start reaching out and create a network of loving, supportive people who nourish your soul. Caregiving is HARD - as you already know so well. I applaud that you are trying to provide a good life experience for your mother. You deserve the same.
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I am so sorry .
We know what you are going through so you have us here to vent to at any time ( as well as your friend ). I wish you the best , keep on in that strength that you clearly have .
You can make it . You've been a good son, don't forget that and that you are only human . Some people abandon their elders and care about nothing but themselves . Not you and that's wonderful though it may not feel that way right now .
Everything ends eventually . This hell is "now " for you but it isn't forever. Keep that in mind . Don't feel guilt about wanting to feel alive and free. Someday you will have those feelings again .
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It is hard but you are doing a great job. So many caregivers are going through this and every one of you are heroes and heroines. The world is a better place for people like you who take care of family members as they decline due to age or ill health or both.
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People should not be kept alive by medications. Meds are not God. If God had God’s way, people would die naturally. No one should have to endure life with dementia, neither the patient nor the far-more-patient caregiver. My mother, at 94, wanted to die, my brother (POA) said, “Wait until God takes you.” She finally refused her meds and was gone in a week. Her life was torture. No one deserves what you all are going through! “”Emerging a stronger person “ is bs. You are already strong enough and how much life do you yourself have left? You don’t need to be an emotional Mac truck to enjoy it!
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I don't feel like I have a life anymore either, and the depression is strong. I sometimes don't know anymore if I'm isolating because of covid or depression, I guess both.

I've been trying to help myself, mentally, by thinking of ways to help the depression, and being mindful to not blame (for a lack of a better word) my mother for things that are not her fault.

For example, it's not her fault that I couldn't get myself out for a walk this morning, even though I know it would be good for me. There is enough that IS her fault, but in the end it's up to me to cope.

So, I'm trying to take responsibility for this depression, but it's hard when I am so terrified of the future that I obsess about it 24/7. I'm terrified of every aspect of this dementia. How she is now, and how bad it will still get!

I find myself hanging around this forum a lot. It feels like a safe space where people get it, and that makes me feel less alone. In real life I don't talk to anyone about my mom's dementia except to my husband and doctor. I gave up on my siblings being any kind of support. It's just a lonely journey.
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Year 8 of taking care of my ailing spouse. This is my retirement, my golden years. Now my few escapes have been taken away by Covid. By the time there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I will be too old to do anything about it. Just venting.
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What blows my mind is that SO MANY of us are going through this. Taking care of our parents ourselves (alone) instead of putting them in nursing homes - which would probably be the best thing for our own health.
I too feel like I haven't had a life in years. First with my Father who had Dementia. And now with my Mother. She doesn't have Dementia, but is very demanding and controlling - as usual.
I feel cheated. I do. I love her, but I feel cheated. You're lucky you have someone to talk to who LISTENS. My so-called friends who btw didn't go through this, tend to not want to hear anything. So, I keep my mouth shut. All I can do is dream of a day when I will be free to live my life. Hang in there. :)
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It's hard to gain perspective when you're locked into it. The long term stress takes its toll in many ways. On some level your mother probably does understand the incredible gift of service you choose daily to perform. The Alzheimers Association has online support groups now for covid caretakers stuck in isolation. It can be any type of dementia. If you call them, they have a terrific hotline too and can give you some resources to add to your toolkit of self care. Good luck, we are with you!!
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Your mother is probably frustrated with her life as well. Maybe it is time to consider moving her to assisted living. She might enjoy being around other people her age. This also would give her care should something happen to you.
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Just a thought.... Some of us are more sensitive to electromagnetic frequencies (EMF) than others. EMF are thought to affect health and mood. Certain metals and stones/crystals are said to help protect the body from EMF. Some people say copper jewelry helps. Hematite, which has iron in it, is favored by others. You might Google "EMF protection" and see what you find.
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Artist,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with your situation. Caregiving is very isolating.

It is wonderful that you are comforted by your faith.

Wishing you all the best. Take care. Many hugs.
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I feel like I'm reading my own story. My bedroom is my haven to get away from my mother's constant demands. I know that's a terrible way to deal with my circumstances but it's all I have. I know about isolation and no social life. I feel very lonely at times and tend to over sleep. My mother is 95 and has cancer, and has a pacemaker to help her Congestive heart failure. I feel like I'm on call now everyday tending to her needs. I do have faith in God. I'm working on praying more and finding solace in him. Good luck you are not alone!
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I personally went through dementia with my mom and unfortunately I was in no position to have her stay at home. I commend you for taking care of your mom. You are doing the best you can and you need not beat yourself up at all nor feel any guilt because she is not herself. Dementia is a cruel and heartless disease :-(. Just remember to do take care of you and do NOT feel guilty for doing so. I am praying for you.
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I am so sorry that you are struggling with this.

Vent all you like! Sometimes it feels like there are no answers and we must learn to cope in the most difficult circumstances. It’s hard.
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I hope you’ve discussed the paranoia with your mom’s doctor to see if there’s a possibility of a med to help calm this. And I’m glad you reached out here, there are many that are coping the best they can with such difficult circumstances. Good for you on keeping up the walks and bike rides. And chocolate has gotten me through many a hard day!
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Thank you!
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You are doing the very best you can. That's all any of us can do. Is it hard to be a caregiver? YES!!! Does it take it's toll on us eventually? YES!!! Do we all get angry about our situations at times? YES!!! Do we all feel guilty at times for the way we feel? YES!!!

So as you see, you are not alone. Those of us that have been caregiving for years, feel your pain, but know too that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass. And when it does, you will emerge a stronger and better person, and your life will go on. So please continue to take care of yourself the very best you can, and may God give you the strength and courage to carry on.
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