People are struggling with the decision of placement or home care.
There are valid reasons for both sides. In some cases home care works out well. Other cases facility placement is the better option.
All situations are unique and should never be lumped into one category.
I made the choice to do home care with my mom and while it wasn’t as difficult early on, later on it became quite a challenge.
Mom had Parkinson’s disease which is progressive and has no cure.
I did not realize how difficult it would be to care for my mom in the latter stages of a disease.
Caring for her became more than I could handle.
It is an emotional and physical roller coaster.
I took care of mom for 20 years, with 15 of those years in my home.
I felt obligated to care for mom because my father asked me to care for her after his death. I promised him that I would. I love my mother and truly wanted to do it.
I don’t think a parent even realizes what they are asking of a child when they request the promise to care for loved ones.
I seriously doubt that my dad would have wanted me to continue to suffer as caregiving became harder. He loved me very much.
My parents never cared for their parents so they did not have any first hand knowledge about caregiving.
I didn’t have a clue as to how hard it would become to care for her in my home.
I wish that I had known about this forum years ago so I could have been warned about the difficulties that would lie ahead.
When parents are living in our home the parent/child relationship changes, becoming complicated and stressful.
I regret having mom live with us. Temporarily would have been fine, permanently was very hard.
"What’s truly baffling is that it’s other women who are often doing the criticizing, shaming and guilting of women."
It is often baffling, but from some of the responses in this thread, some seem to be confusing "opinion" with "guilting". I tried to make that distinction by suggesting making your "opinion" known (keep LO home), which is FINE, IF you state it as your opinion, but acknowledge that sometimes it just doesn't work. Suggestions from these people as to how they made it work might be useful as well, but they seem to just want to state their "opinion", which comes across to others as telling the OP and others that their "opinion" and/or plans are WRONG!
All we can really do is keep trying to help whoever seeks help here and avoid feeding the opinion-makers. If enough of us are supportive of a person's need to have the LO move, we should be able to override the few dissenting opinions...
Adding to this: Moving isn't always the answer. There have been cases I've read that the OP was helped (usually UTI) resolve an issue allowing them to keep the LO home for at least a little longer! Sometimes moving might be the best answer, but finances get in the way - suggestions have helped a few there also.
Good job taking care of Auntie!
"As a side note, I was able to accomplish taking care of all her financial business as her POA even before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Having said that, getting a diagnosis from a Geriatrician would be a good idea!!"
Same here - no one questioned the DPOA I had. SS (and federal entity) doesn't accept it, you have to apply to be rep payee. The only time I needed something from a doc was for mom's pension, because it was federal - they have their own requirements. BUT, other than vaguely stating that she had cognitive issues and couldn't manage her affairs, there was NEVER any kind of "real" diagnosis. The nurse who came before the aides we hired DID test mom, more extensively than the test the doc office does (tried to keep mom in her own place longer - didn't work, thanks to HER!) This test was done in my mom's condo, which was more "familiar" for her, and with 2 of us present.
But, as you say, getting a good Dx can't hurt!! If it can be done, certainly go for it! If the POAs require it, then you have no choice.
I would agree that all too often the financial aspect of any kind of facility care is a barrier. I was hoping more might check the links I posted for reading and taking action regarding care-givers:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/suggestion-to-become-active-in-promoting-caregiver-help-not-a-question-463299.htm
So far only 2 have posted (no way to know how many might have read it and taken action!)
Your additional observations are also factors:
*willingness to move
*when they aren't willing (most) then you have to wait until they are declared incompetent
*then if you have a DPoA then you can act on your mother's behalf and place her into care even if she doesn't agree.
The last one is a bit of a sticky point. THIS is what landed me on this forum. We had all that paperwork (wills, trust, POAs, etc) done before dad passed (2008.) Although mom's plans included moving to AL when she felt it was necessary, dementia throws a monkey wrench into everything! Nope. Wouldn't consider moving anywhere, esp not any kind of AL. We tried bringing in aides, to keep her in her condo longer, but less than 2 months, refused to let them in. The sticky point - atty told me we could NOT force her to move and said we would need to get guardianship. The facility we choose would NOT take her if we did that. It is also quite possible they wouldn't consider her in that much need at that point (but THEY don't see everything! a test isn't always the right way to make a determination.) So, we had to go with a plausible fib - enough to make her move, angry as a disturbed nest of bees, but she went with the bros (I stayed out of the move, did all the prep work!)
"..the anger I am feeling right now towards both of my siblings." This has been discussed often, and I was there too, but finally realized that anger doesn't affect them, only me.
"We just had an incident that was a "last straw" moment for me but even prior they were both very uninvolved. Fine if you want to Grey Rock our mother but throw me under the bus and I'm ready to wash my hands of both of them."
"Ready" should not be used in this situation! They were already uninvolved and whatever they did or said should be that last straw! Maybe sometime in the future, when all this has passed, you all can rekindle a relationship, but don't consider it absolutely necessary! If they are the type who will bring up old crap, stay away! My OB was abusive to me when we were kids (verbally AND physically.) What I didn't realize is that this IS who he is, it never really went away. After physically man-handling me, I AM DONE WITH HIM! Thankfully he lives far enough away and won't be visiting mom (couldn't handle it!!!) YB always made the few things I asked of him sound like huge imposition. By the time he can retire, mom will likely be gone, so HIS retirement will be free and clear! Now that she's had a stroke, I don't need his "help", so I am basically done with him too. Not as bad as OB, but for all his "smarts" he is pretty stupid.
"...needing to be declared incompetent before you can activate your DPoA"
It may be stipulated in the document. I never really had to do anything, I just used it when it was needed and never got any crap.
"...my mom is now refusing to go to doctors if she thinks they know about her dementia. The other day I reminded her she had an upcoming appointment with her primary care and she told me she didn't like him anymore and was going to cancel the appointment." Maybe she says she is going to cancel, but does she actually follow through? If so, can you contact them to keep it open and use some ruse to get her there? On my way one time to take mom to appt, she told me she cancelled it. I called them and they said she didn't. She had it on her calendar, but didn't follow through!
Your plan to consult with atty is probably best, so you know where you stand!
"And I need to accept that people will say/ think horribly of my for doing so but they do nothing for me anyway."
What matters is what you do to help your mother, NOT what others think. It's none of their business. You will find some of them here, thankfully not too many - it's one reason why NeedHelpWithMom wrote this! But, you do what's right for YOU AND YOUR mother! Not what someone else deems is "right."
As you noted in the same sentence, "...they do nothing for..." you anyway (and that includes family members who do nothing, but feel they have to say bad things or criticise!!!)
Hopefully you will be able to sort out how to get your mother into a good place and have the means to pay for it. There are many suggestions, here and in other postings, that might help you. Not knowing where you are located and what resources (assets/income) your mother has, it is hard to point you in the right direction. Could be Elder Law atty (if she has the means), could be Medicaid (they sometimes provide limited in-home care too.)
Again, WELCOME TO THE FOLD!
Want to hear something funny?
When my mom was in the nursing home for rehab, the DON was a man. Her doctor at the facility was a woman.
She kept calling the doctor a ‘nurse’ and the DON a ‘doctor.’
My mom has no dementia! Sexist? Oh, yeah! So she automatically assumed the woman was the nurse and the man was the doctor’
I corrected her, saying, “Mom, he is the NURSE! She is the DOCTOR!” Sometimes it’s hard for her generation to accept that women are equals!
Oh, and the modesty issue with women her age. Oh my word!
She had a bed sore that I knew nothing about because she wouldn’t let a man look at it! This is a woman who had four kids with a male doctor!
When her male doctor retired she had me find a woman doctor so she could have a woman look at the bed sore.
The doctor wasn’t that good about treating bedsores. She was great in other areas, just not wound treatment. She said to put Neosporin on it.
A nurse from home health was excellent in wound care treatment and it healed.
The sore was very low on her butt and she washed her private areas herself so it went undetected by myself and aides who bathed her.
Mom was embarrassed to mention it. She only mentioned it after it starting hurting her. I hated that she was in pain and didn’t mention it.
Her generation is so modest!
I think it would be helpful if doctors and nurses would make an inquiry about bedsores a routine question, just like asking about any recent falls. Then the elderly wouldn’t feel awkward or embarrassed to speak about it.
You are correct that things are changing. But with almost all changes of this type it is slow. Years ago when I traveled to Europe for vacations I noted that the Dads had their children out of the house to playparks and walks, where in the USA it was always the Moms. Now I see many Dads having the kids out in the last several decades here. So things are changing. Just so slowly, and too late to help so many.
How many times have we read about the man being the golden child in the family?
What’s truly baffling is that it’s other women who are often doing the criticizing, shaming and guilting of women.
Enough! It is 2020! We should not even be having gender equality conversations!
Women should support fellow women.
How can we motivate others to break these unhealthy cycles?
I am thrilled that my daughters only date men that are respectful of women. Oh, like many others, they kissed a few frogs before finding a prince.
I have raised them to know that they are equally important as men.
I hate that women feel that they must be a caregiver simply because she is female.
No! No! No! This is wrong.
I have already told my girls when they said to me that they will care for me like I cared for my mom, that I did not want them to have that burden.
Do you see the burden on caregiving ever moving away from women? I have seen more male nurses. That’s encouraging.
Welcome! Vent away. We understand. We are here to listen if you want to join in.
If not, browse around the forum. There are many good posts to read.
Your aunt is blessed to have you.
It’s truly sad when a person has no one to look after them to help them become comfortable in their senior years.
When I realized that my Aunt in a different state, was no longer safe in her own home and refused to move near me, I toured many different facilities.
Keeping her finances in mind, I took her back to view the one I felt was the best.
Her home was in serious disrepair!! Mold, rats, mice, leaky roof and a family of raccoons in the attic. That was just the tip of the iceberg!!
I had to tell her a "therapeutic fib"(yes an actual term) to get her to vacate her home. I told her that the house was unsafe and needed repairs(the truth) and that she couldn't live in the house while repairs were being done (also the truth). So she needed to stay at ALF for awhile(the fib). I knew she would be staying permanently!
She couldn't afford the repairs, so her house was sold to pay for her care.
That was just over a year ago! And although it's still very painful and I still feel the guilt, my Aunt is very happy in her new home.
It gets a little easier as time goes on! Don't beat yourself up or let anyone else beat you up!! You're doing what YOU feel is best!!
Only you know what's best for your LO. You'll get lots of advice!!
I could have walked away, but the thought of leaving her in her home without the ability to care for herself was criminal!! She couldn't drive so she couldn't even get her basic needs. Locked away alone in her house!! Nothing short of being a "latchkey kid ".
As a side note, I was able to accomplish taking care of all her financial business as her POA even before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Having said that, getting a diagnosis from a Geriatrician would be a good idea!!
Sending prayers and ((((hugs))))!!
It was hard before Covid. Since Covid it is a bazillion times harder!
All I can say is that you are equally as important to your mom. You really are.
You have to take care of your physical and emotional health too.
Geeeeez, we have done so much for our moms that we become invisible to ourselves. At least I felt as if I was invisible at times.
You do what is right for you. The rest will somehow fall into place. Since my mom is no longer living with me, I feel like the weight of the world is off of my shoulders!
Many hugs!
From my understanding so far (and I hope others will chime in and correct if I am wrong) but the main considerations for facility care seem to be- financial (sad that this one has to sit at the top), the level of care the person will need, their willingness to move, when they aren't willing (most) then you have to wait until they are declared incompetent and then if you have a DPoA then you can act on your mother's behalf and place her into care even if she doesn't agree.
How far advanced is your mom's dementia? Do you have a DPoA?
I feel paralyzed too right now for the reasons you mentioned. Trying to hang on for the covid vaccine to restore some normalcy at least in that area. Then there is the continuation of dealing with my mom, the anger I am feeling right now towards both of my siblings. We just had an incident that was a "last straw" moment for me but even prior they were both very uninvolved. Fine if you want to Grey Rock our mother but throw me under the bus and I'm ready to wash my hands of both of them.
BTW- on the point about the person with dementia needing to be declared incompetent before you can activate your DPoA..... I'm not sure how that process works. I don't know if my mom's primary care can do it or not? Then there is the issue that my mom is now refusing to go to doctors if she thinks they know about her dementia. The other day I reminded her she had an upcoming appointment with her primary care and she told me she didn't like him anymore and was going to cancel the appointment.
So sorry to ramble, but sometime in early 2021 I plan to consult with an elder attorney about future placement for my mom and ask what will have to happen.
I need to wrap my head around the fact that my misery may be alleviated if I accept placing my mom in a home. And I need to accept that people will say/ think horribly of my for doing so but they do nothing for me anyway.
Where do I even start? How do you even get a person into a nursing home?
My mother would do the same thing.
My daughter’s university was a little over an hour away from our home. She came home for the holidays and on some weekends.
My mom and my daughters have always had a good relationship but they did resent that they didn’t have more time alone with me.
It’s sad because my children did not ignore my mom.
Mom would do this when my friends stopped by too.
My friends adored my mom because she was always charming in front of them!
I know my mom was lonely but she refused to participate in any activities at our community senior citizens center.
It is frustrating not to be able to have time alone at home.
I totally agree with Piper! If you can get out of the house, do it! Take a break and enjoy your visit with your son.
Please don’t feel any guilt about taking time away from your mom.
I miss my son terribly, and I would be feeling just like you are if he was coming today and my mother was trying to hijack the day which she surely would! I hope you can brush off your mothers BS and enjoy hearing about your son's college experience!
Good luck and I hope you have a great day with him!
Also hang on girl, four weeks!!!
Yes, we can.
I pray all of you stay safe!
Pampering?
I would not let her go to your home!
Geeeeez.
Well said and so applicable to my current situation!
My DH is a physician. 10 % of his office staff has contracted Covid. We're holding our breath that he doesn't bring it home!!
NHWM, I very well could be the daughter in the "I raised my daughter to be my caregiver " post! Lol
Despite the Covid threat in my own home, NM still wants to come from ALF for a couple days over Christmas. She tells me that she "Needs some pampering " after what she's been thru!!
REALLY???