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Blue pearl, you have much to learn if you think her husband’s hand is a solution here. It’s not just the act of getting off that we humans need.
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I don't usually post, but your letter and some of the comments got me riled up.

I am glad you realize your value and what you are contributing to the relationship. You are in an extremely stressful time and need the SUPPORT of your husband. You do not need another person or situation sucking the life out of you. I find your husband's self centered attitude absolutely unacceptable. Poor thing isn't getting enough attention. Well BOO HOO. For people to suggest he needs more sex, I say he's got a hand, doesn't he?

I have been in an extremely stressful caregiving situation for 5 years. I am so lucky my husband does what he can to take some of the stress off of me. If your husband can't be supportive in your time of need, is this someone you want to spend your life with? Is he only there for you in the good times?

You are a strong, kind hearted woman. I am so upset with your husband.

Sending hugs your way!!!!!
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Some of these responses.....are ew. This one side of the story. And it’s self-centered. All about the OP and what she does and yet some of you have decided the husband is the bad Guy here? Maybe just maybe the OP has been consumed with her mother’s situation and her husband has been left to deal with everything else? You all are so quick to judge someone without actually knowing anything about them....

and as far as the husband & registering camp, maybe he doesn’t have the information necessary? Cut him some slack please. There are certain things some of us handle because WE have the information and know how to do it and our spouse doesn’t.

There is something bigger going on here and we shouldn’t be crucifying one party to it. What the OP needs to do is listen to her husband and have a discussion to find out where this is coming from and how THEY can work through it. She doesn’t need to hear negativity about her husband from a bunch of strangers.
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Wubba, Show him what you just wrote and see what his reaction is. He needs to know if you haven't already told him. If we could all just disappear for about one week and let everyone else do what WE do, then they'd understand better. He needs to see your words and let them sink in. Good luck.
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Wubba, first and foremost, I am sorry for all of this. It sucks.

Second, all the posters here telling you to take care of yourself and your family are absolutely correct. Caregiving can be overwhelming and consuming and you have to try to not let it take over your life. That is absolutely true.

Third, maybe, just maybe, your husband needs to understand the relationships in his life. You are his wife, not his mother. He's supposed to support you, not get snippy, when you're taking care of someone besides him. Maybe he could try to be there emotionally for you, for a change. Maybe, just maybe, you deserve one single break from being Superwoman and automatically knowing and balancing everyone's needs and juggling your caregiving for everybody.

I'm just saying I'm not going to tell you one more thing you need to do. You are doing enough. I think your husband needs to grow up and step up.
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Why can’t he register your daughter?
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And what was he doing when you turned to him to show him the article? Besides judging you, I mean. If he was my husband, most likely watching TV and not doing anything else. Unlike me who multitasks when watching TV ... and everything else.
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Step Back & Just Breath (you should have this sign hanging in your home). Four years ago I moved both my parents (mom has dementia) into assisted living. The first 6 months I was consumed with paperwork, financials, medical forms, Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security, taxes, and so much more...if you are only beginning the POA process, hang on! It is overwhelmingly time-consuming and frustrating; not to mention, the personal time I spent with my parents as they adjusted. Looking back now I can clearly see that my family took the back burner, and I was not taking care of myself either. This process will wear on you and everyone around you if you let it. The best advise I got (and still get) comes from those who have been through this. "Do not let your parents needs come before your family. Take care of yourself first." This is not selfish advise, it is sane advise. You may be responsible for making sure your mom gets good care, but you are not responsible for her age or the fact that she has dementia. Accept all the help you can get from agencies, doctors, and caregivers. Get her settled someplace where the staff can care for her and meet her needs. Let the nursing home handle as much of the paperwork and medical needs as possible. Try to be the daughter, visit your mother but do not "parent" her. Your mother probably spent her life caring for her family and you must do the same...she would want it that way.
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You are doing multiple jobs right now: attentive wife, caring mother, and dutiful daughter. Seems hubby is stressed over your mom's situation. Probably all the conversations, your research, etc. have been focused on mom's needs. Your hubby wants to get back to your normal family dynamics - caring for him and your daughter. Say you're sorry to your hubby so you can soothe his feelings. Talk to your daughter too and make sure she isn't feeling like she's last priority. Talk to social work at the facility for any help they can give you.
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Show your husband this posting! It clearly expresses your feelings and YOU’RE disappointment in HIM. He sounds like he’s jealous and immature. Does he contribute anything to the care and attention your daughter receives from you? For the first time, Maybe you’re seeing the situation for what it is.
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Wubba,

First of all you ARE a good mother. I think those of us who have mothers who weren't so good have this fear of doing the same to our own kids, when really we over compensate if anything. I can see your daughter is well taken care of and you are doing a lot! So please, no worries there.

I agree with those who felt your husband's comment was more about HIM feeling neglected. I'm going to be super blunt and I hope this doesn't offend you because that is not my intent at all, but in my experience men can get really cranky and feeling deprived if they are ignored sexually for too long. For some men "too long" can be like a week.

I've noticed this with my own husband. He's a kind and supportive man and has put up with my depression and anxiety over my mom and all the crap we've dealt with and continue to deal with and never complains. But when I sense a shift in his mood, 90% of the time if I think about it, I'll see that we haven't been intimate lately. So I make a point to shift my focus and spend a quality night with him. Problem solved.

Not saying that's your husband's issue, just throwing it out there in case.

Or maybe he just needed to vent because he's tired, or feeling a stress of his own from work, or something else, and picked the wrong time and words.

Good luck and I hope the two of you are back in sync soon. Also good luck with Medicaid and getting your mom placed, once that is over you will likely feel much better!
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Polar bear has a good point. They have needs. Intimate needs to be exact. If you are anything like me the last thing on your mind is sex when you are anxious and consumed with your mother and filling out Medicaid and then your exhausted and then there is no time. Men are simple creatures. They only have one thing on their mind. Just something to think about. Have a heart to heart talk with him or see a therapist to help you work through it.
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Elaine is right. Sometimes people don’t realize how horribly consuming caring for a parent becomes. It happened to me as well. Lives become so habitual that to the caregiver it’s the norm but others feel neglected. They still love you but want the person they had before all of the mayhem.
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Therapy for both of you might work such as couples therapy. You say you have been anxious and your mother was in a hospital for a whole week and then taken to a dementia facility. My guess is you have been focused on your mother especially since she was in the hospital for a whole week. I’m sure when he blew up with you in his mind it was the last straw. Probably in his mind you have been neglecting him for quite some time. You don’t realize it intel they come out and tell you. Try couples therapy where he can get out what he is feeling and you can get out what you are feeling. I’ve been there. Believe me. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has cooked dinner just for me to say I have to go to my mothers tonight. Sometimes it snowballs into having to go over there 3 or 4 days in a row. Then he will say I never see you anymore. Your constantly at your mothers. Or my son coming home for thanksgiving and him telling me all I do is talk about my mother. Just saying, I’ve been there.
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I think it’s good to hear it from a mans point of view. Captain hit the nail on the head. You don’t know when to disengage from an elderly parent. You need to be present with your daughter and your husband. I know people won’t agree with me but I see it happening to me and also my best friend. My best friend spends all her time taking care of her father she is certainly not paying any attention to her boyfriend. We are all friends and he told me she is never around. I keep telling him to talk to his girlfriend about it. Communication is key.
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Wubba,

When I read your post I was mad at your DH. Then I remembered some things that went on in my life while I was a caregiver.

I kinda did everything in overkill mode. I over thought everything. I was researching everything Medicaid even though I had professional help. And I was trying to manage my Hell Cat of a Mother’s Care.

My kids were out of the house but in hindsight I was totally NOT emotionally there for them or my husband.

The first time DH tried to get me to get away for a couple days there was a big fight. I could not. Everything was such a big mess. During the fight he said I was destroying myself. I didn’t admit it then but he was right. I did almost destroy myself and our marriage.

Yes, definitely, it appears your DH should carry his load when it comes to your daughter.

I have no magic answer as to what the right balance is as far as you are concerned because I definitely did it wrong.

Just be careful.
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No problem - you are a great mother!   Do you think this is really about how your husband feels?
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I see a lot of assumptions here about where the husband is coming from or what the poster might be doing or not realizing.

Bottom line - there was unexpected emotion coming from the husband. There is a cause. Until the poster sits down to discuss/listen to her husband there will not be a resolution. He needs to express himself. She will need to express herself.

I'm the one in my marriage that gets bogged down at work or in tasks and my DH will alert me to my emotional disengagement from him and my son - that I am not aware of. It has been hard because I tend to get very defensive, but when they express emotion and I think it is unfair - I have learned to take a breath and try to sit down and listen. More often than not DH has a valid point / reason for the emotion, but he is also extremely supportive and willing to look for solutions that work for both of us.  I hope you are able to learn what is behind the emotion and then decide how to support each other.

Hopefully with patience and open mindedness on both sides - they can come to a mutual path forward.

Poster - hope you come back to update us. Good luck!!
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I think men and women have to meet in the middle somewhere. I'm basically a work widow. My hubs goes away for weeks at a time to work. He tells me that the men he works with quite often say to him "wow, you have an understanding wife" It's not that I'm that understanding. I just know this is what he has to do. If I whined and complained all the time it wouldn't change anything. It would just mean that he'd go to work and feel resentful that I'm not more understanding.

There will always be marital discord of some sort unless you live in "Leave it to Beaver" world.
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Countrymouse: Um. I should think as a woman you would realize that this husband is expecting a little tooooooooooo much from his wife. Why should she stop 'dillying about' on the internet and drop everything to fill out a camp application THIS VERY SECOND? Come on.

Captain: sometimes husbands are the ones who are SO damn 'preoccupied' all the time that they can't possibly even spare ONE minute to listen to what their wives, OCD or not, have to say. Like maybe put down the newspaper for a moment?

To the OP: I'd say your husband is having a serious hissy fit over the fact that you can't be All Things to All People at All Times, but Mainly Him. Just using your daughter as an example because HE himself is feeling a tad neglected because you're doing SO MUCH for SO MANY so often. Wearing SO many hats but not the one he wants you to wear at this very moment. How about HE get off his sorry arse and fill out HIS daughter's camp application? Or his mother in law's Medicaid application? Or better yet, how about if he stops complaining if everything in his world isn't 100% perfect 100% of the time? Men like this (which is MOST men) get me seriously irritated, expecting us to do absolutely everything and then complaining when we don't show them enough attention. Boo hoo. Get a grip and man up, I'd say.
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Have him read your response. I saw nothing wrong with telling daughter you would get to it when u were done. Did she whine about needing it done now? No, she said OK Mom and walked out. Jumping every time she or anyone wants something is not good. I think it shows that you haven't spoiled ur child and she has trusts u enough to know it will get done.

I don't think ur problem is ur daughter, I think the problem is Dear hubby is feeling unloved. But...he is a big boy and should understand what you are going thru at this point. Who else is going to do it. Have you spoiled him a little😊.
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You know, I think being married is a challenge. I am sure that you love your husband but feel disappointed. He may feel the same way. He may also be disappointed.

He may want the wife back that wasn’t preoccupied with her mother. That’s understandable, isn’t it? It’s not any different than a wife who feels her husband is married to his work or a football game. They either enjoy football with him or become a football widow.

Do I think there are advantages of being single? Hell, yeah! Hahaha

Others may say there are many advantages of being married and indeed there are. The truth is that both have challenges, single or married.

In marriage though, we have to compromise and it goes both ways. Otherwise, resentment does set it.

You have your story. He has his and the truth may lie somewhere in the middle.

Personally, I think men and women are wired differently and that’s okay. We aren’t going to care about everything they care about and they aren’t going to care about everything that we do and they don’t have to. Nor do we.

Sometimes we need to feel free to have our own thoughts. No one else can make us happy or steal our joy. We can be disappointed but let it end there.

My husband doesn’t like shopping. It’s not about spending money because I am perfectly happy window shopping. Once he told me if he were a shoe salesman that had to wait on me he would kill himself! LOL. He asked me how could I try on six pair of shoes and not like any of them. The truth is we are both a tough sell. We buy, we can’t be sold.

But I like considering all my options. If he finds something he likes, he is in and out of the store. He doesn’t browse for fun, like I do. How did he settle it? He told me not to ask him to join me when shopping. Hahaha. I get it. My feelings were not hurt.

Maybe you haven’t realized that you have been more preoccupied with your mom. I know that happened to me with my mom and my husband took a hit from it. Trust me, all marriages take hits from time to time.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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having been married to an OCD wife for many years i can say there are many times you wish a spouse would cut all the ' preoccupied ' crap and get back to the present evening and family .
anybody can say yes or no but proportion takes some thinking .

i know im not explaining myself well but my ex would do everything BUT sit down and engage with her family . mom needs your help but maybe you dont know when to disengage from it .
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Um.

You weren't solving the Medicaid issue - filling out a form, submitting an application with a deadline to it, taking guidance from a qualified professional. You were dillying about on the internet reading articles, which may or may not be enlightening about the issue you're uncertain about; and you did say, in terms, to your daughter that this research came first, ahead of her application for a summer camp which a) does have a deadline to it, and b) is in high demand apparently.

DH didn't say you were a neglectful mother, by the way. He said you were putting your mother ahead of your daughter, and so you were. Perhaps when she talks to him in private, not wanting to burden you, she isn't smiling.

I think, if you didn't already know that your husband had a point then what he said wouldn't have upset you so much. I should sleep on it, if I were you.
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worriedinCali: I searched for the daughter's age. How old is she? She's playing what sounds like organized basketball.
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He sounds like a very cold spouse. Is he often that way with you?
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Mountainmoose, her daughter can’t fill out the summer camp registration. You realize she’s a young child right? She’s not a teenager.....
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I think DollyMe is probably right that your husband is not getting attention from you. Everything you listed above, you've done for your daughter or the household. You didn't list anything that you did for your husband personally.

I heard a very wise therapist once said that "men's needs are few but not to be ignored." Intimacy is very important for men's well being. Perhaps, that's his issue? I recommend you find a quiet time when you both are calm and have a heart to heart, pillow-talk with your husband. Find out why he's angry and what you can do to help and what he can do to help you.
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If you've hired an attorney to do your mother's Medicaid application, why are you spending your time researching and reading articles about your mother's Medicaid application?

All of those things that you do for your family are part of the responsibility of running a household. You do them well. You have every right to feel proud.

When was the last time you had date night with your husband?

I am the wife of a caregiver who has both medical and financial POA. I understand where your husband is coming from when he said "wrap up this mother business" because, like your husband, I have lost my cool when my husband was lost in the weeds of caregiving.

Let the attorney wrap up your mother's business. That's what you are paying him/her to do.
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It sounds like he is not getting the attention that he wants, he is just using your daughter as the deflector.

I am not saying that you are spending too much time & effort on your mother, he just sees it as that. Although, I have seen many caregivers really go overboard in that area, they get lost in another's issues and feel the need to handle everything for them, things that they can actually do for themselves.

I would sit down with him and talk it out.
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