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Smeshque,

Thanks so much for your encouragement and kindness. It means the world to me. I miss everyone too. Support is helpful.

I did so much for so long on my own and was on autopilot. Compassion from others is a beautiful gift and I truly appreciate it.

I do believe that God designed us all to be family and it’s comforting to know that people are kind and helpful. Thank you.
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Thanks Shell,

There is so much wisdom in your comments. It’s true we question why things happen the way they do. There are things that we don’t understand. We do need to be willing to move forward in a healthy way. I appreciate your kindness.
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NHWM, I will not give up on you and you are not a failure, if anything you are stronger then you think. You took care of your mom for 14 yrs and you are still here! Your cheese did not slip off your cracker! You are still able to put one foot in front of the other no matter how slow it is...you made it to the other side! I think everything happens for a reason...reasons we may not understand...reasons we may not know! I believe that God will bring us to our knees because we are so hard headed that He has to to get our attention! He does it out of love and to take us to where He wants us for His plan. Look to Him!

You will raise out of these ashes and be made new...I have a feeling something amazing will happen for you, but first you must go through this pain and then heal! You are a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for!

Good to hear from you and you are in my prayers!🌈💓

Hugs!!
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NHWM- So happy to see you. We all missed you.

Keep talking.
We will never give up on you.

Prayers for you
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Thank you, Barb

I like your suggestion about the name. It’s about time for some positive changes in my life. Actually, long overdue. Just so new still, I lived for many, many years planning or coordinating my life in accordance with mom’s life, daddy’s life, my deceased brother’s life. I am definitely not used to putting myself first.

I would also like to be able to trust again and not feel like I have to fight to control. Not sure if I am wording it correctly, but to surrender and not be scared of the outcome. I’d like to be willing to welcome good surprises in my life.

Oh gosh, when I was young I thought ‘variety was the spice of life.’ Surprises were fun! Afterwards in caring for mom, every single day was a repeat of the day before and surprises were rarely fun, usually something like an ER trip or another fall.
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It's so good to "hear" you writing so compassionately about yourself!!

You are so correct, as CW confirms, that when you are in the midst of the chaos, it's impossible to see that the need to change is in your hands, and even that change is necessary.

I know you feel fragile now, but you will get the tools to regain your resolve and strength. If you change your screen name (some of us have done that a couple of times) something referring to strength, resilience and phoenix come to mind.

((((((Hugs))))))))
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cwille,

First of all, thank you for your kindness, honesty and wisdom in your answers. Yes, a weight is lifted even amongst the pain. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I need to be reminded of what is most important. It helps.

Sometimes we have to stop something to begin again and not look at it as quitting. I wouldn’t give myself permission to stop. Ultimately I had to hear it from me. My heart wouldn’t allow me to say it. It’s not good to sacrifice ourselves. I guess I wasn’t a good martyr. Or maybe it just wasn’t my calling to do so. For some it is. All situations are unique to that individual and their caregiver.

Crippling is a very accurate word to describe what can happen in certain situations.

I don’t feel like I have risen above anything just yet but I’m going to try as much as possible to do so.

Will take some reprogramming but I have a great guy, two beautiful daughters, others and special people on this forum beside me so all is not lost.

Transitioning times are the hardest. I’m grieving for my mom who isn’t even dead. She’s gone without closure.

I wish things would have ended differently, peacefully in a natural manner. I wish we were able to have a healthy relationship. The future is full of uncertainties. In spite of it all I owe it to myself and others to move forward.
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My story is so different from yours but there are similarities. I too felt as though it was my destiny to care for my mother, it seemed as though all my previous life experiences had equipped me for the task. The feeling of release when she went to the nursing home did literally feel as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, one that had increased so gradually that I couldn't see how crippling it had become until it was gone. Yours is a very complicated history with your family but you have risen above it all and have a good heart.
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It’s early in the morning here. I didn’t sleep well. I will try to rest later. I realize it hasn’t been all that long and it will take time. Things don’t heal overnight. One day at a time for now.

I have not been able to speak on the forum for a few reasons, mainly because of being in shock, dealing with anxiety, depressed, confusion, hurt and anger about the circumstances. Unpleasant endings are hard. I also tend to isolate myself when upset. Something I have done since childhood.

I want to thank every single person that private messaged me to help. It means more to me than you could ever know.

This may sound silly but I also can’t stand to look at my screen name anymore so I want to delete it and register with a new name.

Certainly NeedHelpWithMom doesn’t apply anymore and it makes me very sad. I can’t think of a new name and I am open to suggestions because I may be tempted to choose something negative like Lost-And-Afraid and I don’t want to do that. I want something positive, a fresh start of sorts.

I hate the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop because of not being able to predict other people’s actions but I do know that I am doing all that I can to be prepared. I have not spoken to my brothers or my mom. I feel that is best right now.

Even if both of my brothers suddenly disappeared we would not allow her back into our home because it was too hard for us. Everyone has to make their own decisions about these situations. It’s not a ‘one size fits all’ kind of thing.

This may be hard for some people to understand but I don’t think I even realized just how difficult it was.

Yes, my husband and children tried to tell me that it was becoming too difficult. A few other family members and friends did too.

My therapist absolutely told me in the past that my mother was a burden on me. Many of you told me.

I did not know how to accept that she could possibly be a burden and felt it meant that I was a failure.

My mother always expected me to be the perfectionist that she was and I suppose that is something that was drilled into my head from very young so it was hard for me to easily shake off. My children would not refer to me as a perfectionist. I did not want to pass that onto them. I taught them to be responsible but no one is perfect.

I must admit the advice not to continue caregiving in my home fell on deaf ears due to being so committed to mom and the memory of my sweet father, also the memory of my mom’s parents. I adored my grandparents. I truly felt compelled to care for mom out of obligation and initially. I really did feel that it was the right choice for all of us.

As time went by I saw it was wrong but felt trapped. I questioned myself. I felt as if I was broken and had to ‘fix or adjust’ my attitude.

I was wrong. My attitude wasn’t broken. I was breaking. Honestly, I am still broken. I still feel that I could break into a million pieces and I absolutely hate being that vulnerable. I want to feel strong, not fragile. I want to feel peace, not anxious. I want to feel certain, not confused.

I do want to heal. I have to believe that is possible because of all the kindness that I have felt from all of you. I have to listen and learn.

Sometimes it takes being away from the chaos to see it. I couldn’t see it when I was in the middle of it.

Everyone has their own story. It’s called life, not a fairytale. Believe me, I learned that the hard way.

Because of the difficult struggles in my past I felt that come hell or high water that I would create my fairytale ending and ‘live happily ever after.’ I know better now and hopefully one day will be a little bit wiser.

Promise me that you won’t give up on me and I promise all of you that I will sincerely try. I may stumble for awhile. Sometimes we are lucky enough that when we fall we get thrown a lifeline. I am grateful to each and everyone of you. Thank you.
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NHWM, I am so very sorry that the 3 of them feel that it's appropriate to treat you this way. You've done your time with caring for her. Let them figure it out. I agree to pack her stuff up ASAP, if local you can hire someone to deliver her items to your sibling's home cheaper than ups or usps. Take pictures of everything including the last piece of used Kleenex before boxing and after placing in box. Create a list of box contents, keep a copy for your records. Could you maybe have a friend help you by signing off on packing list too? Non interested party (not family), looks better for you. Hard to say and deal with this situation. I think your brothers and mother are attempting emotional blackmail by wanting to file elder abuse charges against you, thinking that you will fall in line and obey all of their demands. Not this time. They have all shown their true colors. Glad to hear you have a lawyer and your husband's support. It is now time for you and your family. Enjoy time with your grandchild. Do something fun with your husband. You are coming out of a war zone, as others have suggested get some help dealing with the fallout. It's almost like a death without the closure. Block calls and texts from the 3 of them. If they try to contact you thru other means refer them to speak with your lawyer. If they attempt to contact you via us mail, certified or not have the post office stamp return to sender, do not write on envelope yourself nor accept anything from them. They will want to dump mom back in your lap, please don't let it happen. You have taken great care of her for many years, their turn now. Dont forget to change your door locks, you really don't need anymore surprise visits from them (assuming mom has a key) or god forbid they drop her off and run while you're out. That would be the time to call authorities and tell them she's lost, she doesn't live with you any longer and due to family conflict they need to take her back home, that you dont feel safe doing so, and have no idea how she even arrived because you were out. Also forward all of HER mail to brother's home. This will now establish residency for her elsewhere. Contact doctors, dentist, and anyone else involved and give them his number as contact. BTW a hot dog is not a bad lunch, just not what you would normally do for her. She did eat, was not deprived of anything. Let us know how you are when you are able. You're in my prayers, you've been thru hell and back, time for you and yours. Sometimes you need to remove family members from your life like you would a bad tooth. Yes it hurts initially, but after healing you wonder why you let it fester for so long. Hugs to you and yours.
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They can do as they see fit as can you. Let them bluster, if there was never any hints of abuse, nothing will happen. Is your brother a retired cop? Last time I checked, they can only arrest a person for warrants or crimes but not for the fun of it. Document every contact with the 3 of them. The day, the time, what was said, etc. Then a pattern of mental abuse can be established. You don't have to allow anyone to move back into your house or allow anyone on your property.
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NHWM, we are here for you! Take any in-person support you can get (your H) and know that it will be all right (heck, more than all right...FINE) for you once you get through this, the difficult part of the journey.
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NHWM-
We all love you and are so sorry you are going through such things. It will all be ok. Take care of yourself, everyone here will be keeping good thoughts for you, praying for you and waiting for you to smile again.
You are a strong lady and you will get through this. You will, believe it. Don't allow fear to steal your hope, your faith, your joy.
As was said the Lord works in mysterious ways, this is an answered prayer. And soon you will see it too.
Take care of yourself, you have nothing to worry about. You have gone above and beyond especially for the one you were providing care for.
There is no shame in your game.
Hang in there. We love you.
You are in my prayers
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Need is doing okay but feeling extremely fragile. Sends good wishes and thanks to everyone.
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My dear, this is a gift. Just wait until your brothers find out how difficult and painful it is to take care of her. DO NOT let her back in the house, you will be on the hook forever. Money be damned if there is any. She has showed you what you could expect for the rest of her life, so be happy. Take your life back and live it. You have done the best you could. Best wishes..
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I am concerned that once your brothers see how difficult it is to take care of your mother, that they will try to get you to take her back in. I'm concerned that you will take her back in.

Please do not do it!
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What sneaky, manipulative, cowards your brothers are that they actually made a plan with your mother behind your back. The three of them are despicable. And chose to implement this plan when your husband (or whoever is really supporting you) was not there.

Let her go. Pack her stuff and ship it to his house.

For 15 years you took care of your mother and this is how it ends?

None of the three have any respect for you or the sacrifices you have made over the years.

Look at it this way, they solved your problem. She is their problem now.

It appears that you as well as your mother has had enough & both of you need a change.

You’ve repeatedly said that your mother does not have Dementia - thus you realize she made the choice to leave. Your brothers agreed with mother & took her out.

Its irreparable now due to their decisions and actions.

Let it go. Your brothers don’t have a leg to stand on as far as reporting you to APS. For what? You are your mothers slave & have been for years.

Retained a lawyer for what? I would just watch & wait (and clean out her room).

Again don’t allow them to threaten you! Realistically what could they possibly cite as elder abuse? Come on now...

Hold the line. You are free. It’s what you wanted. She’s out! And guess what, she will be ok. As will your brothers. Life will go on.

I would think you’d be rejoicing today but no, more drama.

Whats the real worry now other than idle threats to call APS? I think something is missing. Is it an inheritance issue? You weren’t getting income from her and she won’t spend any of it on caregivers. Does mom have a nest egg? If she does, it’s because YOU,NHWM, have supported her and gave her the opportunity to save.

And now you can’t communicate via an anonymous Internet forum - why? Do you actually think your brothers & mother will spend resources on paying to subpoena your social media sites? Pay an attorney ~$450/hr to do so? Not likely.

You are not thinking of pressing charges for kidnapping, are you? That too will cost you attorney fees. Geez I hope not.

Today get busy and stay busy. Go get your hair done. Binge watch “Frankie & Grace” on Netflix and spend the day laughing on your couch. I myself am stifling a giggle thinking about what the three of them

Don’t overthink. It’s simple. You have won.
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NHWM,
You will have questions about the care of your Mom that will go unanswered.
Your siblings basically came and kidnapped your Mom from your care.
It happens. More than you know. Of course you are upset, and after being sick just days ago.
Your Mom may try to call you and complain about your brothers soon.
It is up to you how you choose to avoid more drama at that point, or even if you will take her calls. Have a plan, work it out with your therapist.

Acting in such a way as to avoid legal issues may help. I have heard people say,
"I cannot comment due to pending litigation". Your attorney can advise you.

It will all work itself out. Hold your head up high, for all you've done for Mom.

I had a hot dog for lunch today. Hot dogs are an excellent lunch!
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Oh, and NO ONE comes back into your house for any reason. Not to pick up a toothbrush, nothing. They can text you and you will put it on the porch. And you will arrange to get the rest out in the next day or two.

Your house is now Fort Knox. I’d be willing to bet your DH would be on board with keeping it that way;)

Remember not to defend yourself. They have broken trust and you will not open your family up to another situation like what happened today. Period.

And, my dear, of course no one is mad at you. Your job #1 is to take care of yourself and your family. You don’t have to take care of us, lol.
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NHWM,

I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you have been given a great gift.

You are no longer trapped!

Think about it. All of the stress, the anxiety, the bullying... it was all just pulled out of your lap and out of your home.

Do NOT let it back in.

Bros have given you the perfect excuse. You will not put yourself and your family back in the path of unwarranted and unreasonable accusations again. You will now protect your immediate family and your home.

Your home is now peaceful again. Talk through with hubby how to box up and deliver stuff. Let him deliver if necessary. Then, stop talking about it. Talk about something joyful, something completely unrelated to this hot mess that you have been handling for years. It will be hard at first, but push yourself to the good.

This is a release.

Say that over and over again in your mind. Then just smile. And keep smiling until you feel like smiling, lol.

Methinks bros are blowing a lot of smoke. But, Mom isn’t living in your house as of right now. If APS shows up, you tell them that she is no longer living there. Then you say calmly that it is so sad what happens with dementia. Stay calm and speak little.

If there is anything else, have an attorney handle ALL communication.

Don’t over dramatize. You will very likely see your mother again. And if you don’t? What is the worst that comes out of that?

You did what you could for someone difficult.

Not to sound cold, but people through the centuries have said goodbye way earlier than this and lived to tell the tale.

And honestly, the likelihood of that is teeny tiny.

You are ok. Cognitive behavioral therapy would probably be much more helpful to you at this point than talk therapy. Validation is great but you, sister, need tools. Use what people have told you on this board. You have a lot of tools here, if you pick them up.

I repeat, do not even entertain the thought of letting her back in. DH can help you by refusing;)

No tears, no anger, no fighting, no self-justifications. There are consequences for actions. They pulled her out and falsely accused you. The consequence for that is that they now have full responsibility AND they no longer have your trust. Period. Say nothing more.

Now go cuddle your family and smile.

This is a release. Your life is your own again!
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NHWM,
I would agree with the others here that they are playing you! You have done nothing wrong. This was probably the plan the whole time and Cwilly is right, your mom was telling your brothers the half truths and the woes me on them...my mother did the same thing and I am sure there are many on here that could say the same.

Your mom program you as my mother program me...We are Not Broken...we just need to be reprogram! And I was and you can be too! You are not broken! You were a kid when your mom started programming you; how were you suppose to know?

Your mom is out of your house, don't you see what she has done to you she will do it to them?

You are going to be okay...it well work out at the end you'll see.

I wish I could be there with you and help you, but we are all here for you.

Just breath!
Hugs!!!
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Hi I've been reading through your responses, and you said that your mom pits siblings against each other, and there is an "adored brother". This sounds like a narcissistic family pattern with you in the worst position as family servant and scapegoat. Do you recognise the narcissistic family pattern in your family such as a golden child and scapegoated child dynamic? Have you been in the servant role your entire life and treated like a nobody and manipulated to feel bad if you don't cater to your mom's needs? Do you have to drop your life and do what they want? Do you feel guilty all the time that you're not doing enough? Do you feel you can never please your mother? Do your brothers never acknowledge that you are being used? Are you not allowed to have any needs? Is your family in "your head" most of your waking life? If this all sounds familiar, my suggestion to you is to research narcisistic family patterns as much as you can so that you can break free from the toxic enmeshed family dynamic and free yourself. You never deserved to be treated like this, ever!
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What Send just said!!!

It's okay to be angry at your dysfunctional family!!!!!!!
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It is okay to be angry NHWM.
It is okay to express anger.

Do not be concerned about us, your caregiver friends.
You know by now that we can carry the conversation a long time without hearing from you, because many of us have been through what you are going through, and come out the other end better than before!

You will take care of yourself, as evidenced by the fact you have reached out.
Good on you!
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NHWM just sent me a PM; she is concerned that we will be upset that she's not responding to us. Her husband has contacted a lawyer.

NHWM, if you see this, please know that you don't need to be concerned about US!!!!!! Be concerned about YOU!!!!!!

((((hugs))))))))
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"My fear, I am so upset about a lifetime of crap that I would stay angry and she will die and I will regret being mad."
I feel the same. I have a lot of build up resentment towards my parents for the way they've treated me. Plus the adoration of my good for nothing brother. But the past few months, as they've declined, I've come to terms with it. It does't mean I won't spend the rest of my life in therapy, but I've reconciled they are damaged people themselves and probably just did the best they could over the years. We are all products of our circumstances. After the dust settles I hope you can visit your mother and have at least a cordial relationship with her and your brothers. And once she's gone, you don't have to deal with them any longer.
But right now you are too (rightfully) upset. Give yourself time to reconcile your feelings and take the time for yourself. You can dive back in when ready.
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It will be okay.
It is good that you told someone that you were this upset.

If it helps, I hate your brothers for how they handled this.

Recalling how no good deed goes unpunished.

Come back tonight or tomorrow, when you have regained your composure, keep talking it out, that will help you I think.
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Oh {{{hugs}}} to you Needhelp. Slow down, take a deep breath, drink a cup of tea. Or go walk around the block. Settle your nerves.
I know how you feel. I went through a very similar experience with my father. He would call my brother/cousins and complain I was mistreating him and abusing him. They eventually reported me to APS. I had a full investigation done.
My father's "abuse" was simply my drawing boundaries (no smoking in the house!), but any request was considered abuse to him. APS found nothing wrong, no abuse and the case was closed.
Does your mother have dementia? It turned out my father likely was showing early dementia signs, he really has no recollection of all those phone calls he made.
I'm not sure you shouldn't be the one calling APS. If you feel your brothers may not be providing the care your mother needs you have every right to have APS assess the situation. But please don't worry about your getting in some kind of trouble. Let APS investigate , you have nothing to hide.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard isn't it?
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There is no shame in getting burned out as a caregiver. It happens to the best of us. It does not mean that you are crazy. (If that is what has happened to you, burn out).
It is more likely that it was intolerable having Mom and your bully brothers mistreat you, as you have described.

I agree with Becky, and the good advice of Barb and CW.

Do call your therapist, getting an emergency appointment if needed.
Of course you are upset, that is understandable. But this does not have to undo
You. Try to take 3 deep breaths, this is not the end of everything.

Your thinking, while this upset, cannot be trusted as totally reliable. For example, when you say: " I will never see her again". To explain....these thoughts are not unusual. We learn in cognitive therapy that is called "All or nothing thinking".
Try to avoid that. Understand, that right now, no matter what your brothers have said, or how your Mom feels, that you may see her again. You just don't know for right now. And for you to recover your stability after this upsetting incident, not knowing has to be okay with you. Sit with not knowing, try to calm yourself.

I know you can do this. So sorry that the goal of getting Mom to move out had to end in anger and a dispute with drama. The goal has been met, not what "they" wanted, obviously, but Mom has left. Carefully pack up her things, and forward them timely. When this happened to a relative, each move his belongings were left behind with each sibling, until he finally made it to a safer place in a nice AL.
Your Mom will make it also, it just takes time. She will likely not get the good care you gave to her. But she will manage. You know why she will have to move again? Because no one will tolerate how she treats you or others....Imo.

So, do what you need to do today, to take care of yourself. Maybe shower. Take some medication if that has been prescribed. Give yourself some time to calm down.

You deserve a break today!
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Barb, please read private message
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