Well it's been almost 3 1/2 months since we managed to get mom into the NH.

About 3 weeks ago they were freaking out because mom's long term Medicaid had not been filled out right and the NH was not getting paid!

Well I went down and spend a couple of hours with the accounting department and we got it all straightened out...sigh...amazing how this information wasn't stated to any of us.

We were told over and over again by all departments that everything was A OK and nothing more needed to be done, then bam all of a sudden they are going to close her file (Medicaid) because the paperwork wasn't right.

Thank Goodness for the accounting staff at the NH...otherwise who know's what would have happened.

Anyhow all is well on that front now!

Mom has really settled down in the Full Lock Down's smaller and less residence and the Court Yard is nicer (I'd show you pics but can do that on here).

She has finally stopped asking to come home and in fact I don't think she remembers being here anymore.

She does remember all of us however, although I think names elude her some...but is forgetting about anyone that isn't around much.

I've been getting down for visits about every 2-3 weeks and finding that I dread them before hand...although it is all good when I get there.

Finally been feeling some guilt or something of that nature...not that I put her into the home, but rather because I don't get down every week and dread doing it.

She is very well cared for and a couple of the nurses/Aids have really taken to her and have learned how to get her motivated to a degree.

Mom has been giving them fits with eating however...LOL...but the staff is finding ways to get her to eat her meals...or at least some of them. Of course she is loosing weight...but I think it's par for the course.

She has one or two nurses that sit with her during meals to make sure she eats and gives her praise when she does.

So she is well cared for, does not remember much at all anymore and isn't trying to get out as much.

My household is finding it's new norm...which is really good...but now I'm having my emotional issues that don't seem to be resolving so easily.

I'm finding myself sabotaging my attempts to get my health back...feeling low in some ways, so I think I'm having a low grade depression, but even then...when I look within it seems as though I've lost some of the ground gained over the years in my self confidence...also I think some underlying programming to punish myself for not being able to fix silly as that is because I know better in my head, but perhaps it's something that is very basic and has been with me for many years.

I think the fact that while mom is still physically here ... I will never be able to resolve or effect a resolve concerning our relationship...sigh...and that is hard to accept and hard to figure out how to resolves those issues without her involvement.

For those that have never read the mom is a sociopath and her mom skills were not the best.

I know all of the answers it seems to self esteem...I have come a long ways with it...I guess what it comes down too is finding a way to let it go...let those old deep emotional wounds go...and make the choice to finally and completely move on. you can see I am pretty much just rambling. LOL...I guess just trying to work it out and I feel comfortable sharing here...also I don't think that I'm the only one that has gone through or is going through these things.

It is truly amazing how much we are effected by parents and their actions, opinions etc.

Writing this down, I suppose that really it comes down to accepting that in no way will I be able to resolve these things with my mom in this lifetime.

The only really good course of action is to simply accept it and move on...sigh.

Thanks for letting me ramble...again.


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I know what you say is truth emjo...I thought I had let go of the Fantasy, but then things like this come up and blam...I discover hidden underneath it still remains.

After all of these years...I don't know why I care so darn much...I really don't, but I have to say it tugs on my heart strings, beyond the other issues.

I was talking to my husband about it and told him what I wrote about feeling horrible about visiting, but it's OK when I get there. He say's to your are better when you get there, but you are not OK. He's right of course, and mostly it is the unpredictable nature of my mom to begin with and now it's even worse because I can't read her at all any longer for obvious reasons.

Argh...I know I'll get through it and then be a wise women for it!! Thanks for the reminders.

Shannon - good to hear from you and that your mother has settled in and that your family is healing. It is possible to resolve the issues without her involvement and in fact, impossible to resolve them with her involvement now or earlier. The scars will always be there, and may hurt still sometimes, but that should improve with time and distance. Please work on letting of the guilt. It is hard I know, but we have to give up the fantasy of any type of "normal" relationship with our mentally ill mothers and accept that was and is not possible, nor is "normal" contact or visiting possible now. Whatever society sees as the normal pattern for daughters to visit their mothers in facilities does not apply to us. Do what works for you and know that that is good enough, in fact, it is wonderful if you to still give her support, all things considered. Grieving the lost or absence of the mother you never had and needed is part of this process and it s painful as any loss it, but you can get through it. (((((hugs))))

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