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If that doesn't get me kicked out of here nothing will.........
(5)
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Lady (possibly blond lady) walks in an ice cream joint. Kids says WHAT'LL YA HAVE?

She says, A WAFFLE CONE PLEASE.

He asks, HOW MANY SCOOPS?

OH, ID LIKE THREE PLEASE.

WHAT FLAVORS MISS?

OH LETS SEE....VANILLA, STRAWBERRY AND CHOCOLATE.

IM SORRY MAM, WERE OUT OF CHOCOLATE

OH, I SEE. WELL MAKE THAT ROCKY ROAD ROAD, VANILLA AND CHOCOLATE THEN

LADY, LIKE INSAID WERE OUT OD CHOCOLATE!

OH, RIGHT. THEN I HAVE BUTTERSCOTCH, PEPERMINT AND CHOCOLATE

LADY..CAN YOU SPELL THE VAN IN VANNILLA?

OF COURSE....V...A...N

VERY GOOD. CAN YOU SPELL THE STRAW IN STRAWBERRY?

SURE...S..T..R..A..W

HOW ABOUT THE F....... IN CHOCOLATE?

THERE AINT NO F..... IN CHOCOLATE?

THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU LADY

THERE AINT NO F.....IN. CHOCOLATE!!!
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Loved that birth story - so hilarious, and so comical in the typical fashion of a child interpreting adult events. I think that little girl might have a future as a comedienne.
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Book that baby stoy is to die for if only you had a camera, that would have gone viral for sure. Thanks for the laugh
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A young girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy woman' & started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house & asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed & told her that the paint brushes & everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it 2 coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."
(5)
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Teacher's story on Show and Tell....

I've been teaching now for about 15years. I have 2 kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own 2nd-grade classroom a few years back.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn & waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy & Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, & Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh & wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then about 2 Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Erica puts a hand behind her back & groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back & groaning.

"My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lay down in the bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, & it just blew up & spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

The kid has her legs spread & with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10. Then all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow & returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell-day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
~~~~~~~~
FB poster Jane commented: "Is this how it happens Becky?"
Becky replied: "She made it sound bloody quick..."

Another poster: Absolutely brilliant. I am going to change my title to a middle wife.
(4)
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Har de har har.
Love how, with such little encouragement, you all are going to make life funnier and funnier.
Then, with so little effort on my part, I come back here after a difficult day, and see how funny you are!
Thanks!
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today it is in common usage to some people ( not you send bless ya) you gotta love her xxxxxxxxx
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The joke actually went like this a long time ago

what does this sign mean:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Well the sequence does not have the letter L (pronounce EL) in it so the sign means NOEL NO EL
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Send, now you have me scratching my head! Maybe you are making this too hard?
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Yes, I understood that No "L" makes reference to "Noel", Glad.
But what does it mean when you just don't have an "L"?
Like, no L, no noel, or anything like it?

Maybe I should google it (no, not it, but L or, No L).

Dumb blonde here.
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I didn't either until I googled it, Send.

Noel. No "L". LOL or no l then we have an "o"
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There is a joke going around on Christmas cards for years, and I just don't get it. It simply says: No "L".
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Sorry peeps dumb brit here!
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wag = funny guy, smart-aleck in Britspeak.
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Book, knowing some of the drivers in Michigan, this sign is definitely needed!
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Windyridge, OBVIOUSLY some driver must have tried to pass when opposing traffic was present. Hence the sign - which anyone with some common sense would have known this.
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Thanks cwillie!
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Glad, a wag is a prankster lol
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Stupid road sign in northern MI:

DO NOT PASS WHEN OPPOSING TRAFFIC IS PRESENT

Intelligent response someone spray painted on sign:

NO S....T!
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What is a wag? Someone that defaces signs? i don't think we have a special name for them here.
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Amused by a wag who decided to tamper with a road sign over here. The sign said Speed kills and some wag had written underneath
SO DOES DRIVING TOO FAST
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I just watched a YouTube video that had me laughing so hard that I had tears in my eyes. I have never seen this comedian act before. I plan to share her link to my siblings (who don't have FB.) I just kept laughing throughout the video, even to the end. The title sounds very derogatory towards men, but after watching the video, I didn't think it was. More like a light bulb moment for the husband - when it was too late...

Google:
Jeanne Robertson "Don't send a man to the grocery store!"
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Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond at the back. It was suitable for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts & some orange & lime trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting & laughing with glee.

When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, & they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast!!
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There were two brothers, Bob and Bill, who lived out in the country. Bill was slightly crippled and walked with crutches. They were simple folks, lived together in the old family farm house, did a little farming and worked as hired hands on other farms occasionally. The entered and won a raffle at their church for a trip around the world.

When they retuned from their trip Bob was at the feed store and a neighbor asked him about the trip. Bob said they went to New York City and he went to the top of the Empire State Building and enjoyed the nice view. The neighbor asked how Bill liked the view. Bob said Bill didn't go up there cause he's crippled ya know.....

Bob told of going to the top of the Effiel Tower but Bill couldn't make it cause he's crippled ya know.........

They made it to the Leaning Tower of Pizza, but alas, Brother Bill, he's crippled ya know.

The neighbor asked where Bill was. Bob replied that he was in the hospital with a broken arm. How did that happen asked the neighbor. Well, said Bob, right after we got back from our trip we went to see one a them faith healer fellars down at the church. He was a healing people left and right and he called to brother Bill to come up to the stage. He put his hand on bills forehead and yelled Come to Jesus Brother and throw you right crutch away! And then he yelled, Come to Jesus brother and throw that left crutch away!

The neighbor was astonished. He asked, Well what happened then? Bob replied, Well he fell down and broke his arm. He's crippled ya know.......
(4)
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A spinster church lady type gets a job in her uncles hardware store. Her very first customer is a burly, gruff construction worker. He asks he to show him the files. She asks him what kind of file he is looking for and he tells her he needs a Bastard file. She is very offended, tells him she is a good Christian and will not permit that type of language in her presence and tells him to get out. Her uncle hears the commotion and asks her why the guy is leaving in a huff. She tells uncle he was cursing about a Bastard file. Uncle explains that there is indeed such a file, flat on one side, half round on the other. He tells he to calm down, they can't afford to lose business like this. The very next day another construction worker comes into the store and ask her to see some files. She leads the fellow down the aisle where the files are located, picks up a file and says, "Would you like this little bastard?" He replies, "No, give me that big M F....er up there".
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One Winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob & his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out & moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out & moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, & with a worried look on her face, says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With love & understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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I remember watching that show. It's so funny. Then they changed the schedule and I can no longer find it. Our cable provider display the program show on a certain channel that scrolls through the channels titles for 7 and 730pm. Very time consuming and too fast for me to read the whole title. Sometimes I have to wait for it the 2nd time. I rarely go there. Gives me a headache with all that scrolling... I miss that show!
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Ever watch Hot in Cleveland, tape to watch every morning, get my day started with a laugh. Betty White is 90 and still going strong on the show. If i live that long I hope thats how I'll be at 90. Her humor keeps her going! Great thread!
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