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I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years now since I was about age 16 and she started getting older.,I dropped out of highschool and got my ged and still taking care of her,she's 300 pounds and 63 years old,suffers from incontince due to butt surgery and she's absolutely frightened of outside world, she suffers from agoraphobia and hasn't been outside the house these last ten years unless it's with ambulance people . I love her to death and over the years I didn't mind taking care of her as with it I had a roof over my head,warmth,food, a somewhat stable life I run the house,pay bills,cook,clean,pick up her pills,dishes,laundry,everything . a therapist I visited once told me I had unhealthily codependency and I had a bout of very bad depression and so I tried to come up with hobbies to keep me going, bike riding,reading, spending lots of time online. About a year ago she threw her hip out and couldn't walk the distance to the bathroom anymore and thus had to start using a commode chair which I cleaned and would wipe her butt and change her diapers , again I didn't mind, it was depressing though and I felt burn out massively . Then not to long ago she developed cellulitis leg infection was admitted to a hospital and that infection turned into sepsis. She got better but sadly she came home to soon and thought she could do simple rehab at home. Once here though she discovered that she just didn't have the strength to stand at all, so now she sits on the couch with a bunch of underpads under her and when those pads get dirty I try to sorta tilt her and put new ones in, but I'm a 25 year old woman clocking in at a weight of 174 trying to move around 300 pounds by myself. I'm also now wiping her butt every single time she poos , I have her lean forward and I use baby wipes. It's so exhausting and my back hurts and i put icy hot on at night to sooo my joints. We had home healthcare services out here and since my mother can't stand they've declared her unsafe and won't come out anymore, I've been in contact with department of social services aging and they are looking for a nursing home place for her but they say because she's on Medicaid, is 300 pounds and incontinence, the available places are slim and right now there's nothing available and some places just flat out won't take her.i feel such a burnout, I know I'm depressed, I don't have anyone else to help with this , I'm all by myself and have no other family, I know we can't afford a caretaker program to come in because at her size she's going to need atleast two , i miss the days when she could stand, it was so much easier then, I cry at the drop of a hat these days and then we argue at the fact I'm crying when she's the one who can't get up. We nitpick and argue and then we cry and apologize to eachother. I got accepted into a college but I don't even know if I could dedicate any time to it with how she is now. I just needed a place to vent and whine and not feel so alone in this.

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You are not tied to this house! You make a choice everyday to stay and take care of her. Comb tact the health department and tell them that you have been caring for her for ten years and you will not give up the rest of your life. If your mom is on Medicaid, call the social security office and ask for a case manager to assist you in finding appropriate living arrangements. Give them a deadline. Tell them you are moving and can no longer care for her and she needs to be placed by a certain date. Do not give them an open ended situation because you will be left on the bottom of the pile. Let them know that you have tried to place her by yourself, but have not been able to. They have a little more power because they pay the bills for many people in the nursing homes. If she does go to the hospital before you get her plAced, immediately ask to see the discharge social worker. She is going to try to put you off and tell you that she needs to she what the reccomendAtions are and they will not know that u til she is ready to go. Tell her that going home is not an option. Many times they assume discharge back home. That will give her time to find a bed.
Do not feel guilty. Ask yourself, do you want to have a family of your own? Well your chosen one is not going to knock on the door, see this situation , and say,"wow, I want some of that!"
If you are concerned about housing, reapply for financial aid. If they know that you have no home to stay in, they most likely will provide for meals and dorm. Make a plan do not let time fritter by while your life is frittering by as well.you will not be able to have children no matter what age you are.taking a page from TV, an old soap opera, "like sand in an hour glass, these are the Days of Your Life".
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I posted a few days ago but I can't get you off my mind. I was a nurse before having to medically retire a few years ago. I've taken care of many patients the size of your mother. The reason I retired early is the condition of my back after 15 surgeries on various parts of it. I can still walk, but not without pain. I am 61 but often fear for what may come in my own future due to just not having any help turning and changing diapers of the obease patients I cared for. I did not have to do this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I can well understand the damage you are doing to your own body. Let's fast forward a year into your future. You are still taking care of your mom at home, but not without much damage to your own physical and mental health. She has become weaker making your job harder and you both are deeply depressed. She has pressure sores on her back and bottom just because she can't get off of it. They have become so deep that you can actually see bone there. She continues to go to the emergency room at times, but they seem to always send her home to your care just because you haven't spoken up loud enough to the right person. I know you love your mom and have much gratitude to her for being there for you as you grew up. You may have even promised her that you would always take care of her and never put her in a nursing home, but what if you had stood your ground and gotten her the real help she needed? She may have been healthier in that next year, able to walk and do some things for herself, even though she is in a nursing home. You are in college, have a life of your own, but go by and visit with her as much as you can. You and your mom's depression and physical health are being dealt with. You both have settled into the changes in your lives and are much happier. She may not live much longer in either of these instances, but you would not be carrying the guilt around with you knowing that there were professionals out there that could have taken care of your mom. She doesn't want to be the way she is and you don't want it for her, either. This situation is much bigger than anyone can handle on their own. Go right now to the emergency room by ambulance with her and as she is being checked, you tell everyone that is checking on her that you are not able to do this any longer. You don't have to do it in front of your mom. Ask to speak to them in private if you would feel better doing it that way. She may get mad at first and say some very mean things to you, but I would be willing to bet that somewhere down deep, she knows what has to be done. Your life is not going to be easy for the first few months, but I believe you have it within you to go get that college education and be happy. I did not start college until I was 32 and had 3 children. I am still married to the same man I married at 18, was the first person in my family to have a college degree and had lots of obstacles in my path to do so. I know you can do it. I am praying for you and will not forget about you. Please come back here and let us know how you and your mother are doing.
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Dear anonymous, this is your life. You are a giving and loving person but this is YOUR life. Read all the suggestions and make plans for yourself--good and positive plans. Seek to have hope again. You have given your mother your life and it is time for you to find yours. Get someone or an agency to take over. Find yourself and live the life you were supposed to have as a lovely young lady. This will not be easy -- it will be very hard but very very worth it. God bless you!
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Have you tried getting a Joerns Hoyer Lift? Medicare would probably purchase it for you. You can leave her in the cloth seat all the time, and even use it to lift her legs when you change her diaper. You are in full control of her food volume and content so you could help her lose weight without her knowing. The weight loss would help her get her walking back. You would probably have to go on it with her. Be sure to take a multi-vitamin/mineral You should go to college even if it is only one class at first. Nursing would be a good pick as you seem to have the gene for it.
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I am 60 years old and I would never would want my children give up their lives for me. I believe that your mother feels the same. Talk to her and I believe that she would tell you to move on with your life.

A lot of great suggestions have been provided in other comments.

Please be strong and take the steps that are needed so that both you and your mom can move forward into your "new" lives.

For her , it could mean moving to an assisted living facility, where she get the help and nutrition she needs. For you, it could be having a life going to college or just a life that only involves taking care of yourself.
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This post breaks my heart. I am praying for you to get whatever help you can in this situation. Because you loved your mom, you have dedicated 10 years of your life to caring for her. I can't imagine the different feelings you are going through. It's okay to vent and cry. I don't know how you do it. I am going through something similar to your situation. I am 39 and my husband is 63 years of age. He suffered a stroke two and a half years ago. Since then, I have been his sole caregiver. I was in nursing school for my nursing degree and couldn't finish. I worked full time from 3pm to 11pm. In the mornings, my time is dedicated to caring for him. Sometimes I feel like I can't do it anymore. I told him if he gets so sick to the point that I can't care for him anymore, he needs to go into a nursing home. In the last 3 months, I have made 4 hospital runs and it was stressful on me. I have lost weight, gotten too many gray hairs to count and physically I am drained. I go into my room and cry because I feel all alone. I am angry and I feel like I am missing out on life. I want to go back to school. Sometimes I think he takes advantage of me because the little things he can do, he calls on me to do. He is paralyzed on one side of his body, can't speak and uses a walker. My husband used to pick me up from work because I couldn't drive and was I fearful of driving. While he was in the hospital, I made the decision to get a few lessons and took my driving test which I passed, and because I thought I was superwoman. Within 2 months I wrecked the front of my car and hit another vehicle. Thankfully no one got hurt. I had to step back and slow down. My driving has been great since then. Thats was during the time I was taking him to his therapies, rushing home to make sure he was ok then rushing to work. I could have killed myself or others. Sometimes we do it out of love for our love ones, but we also need to step back and take care of ourselves. At the beginning of this year, I made it a mission to take care of me. I had my physical done and even had eye surgery. Last July, I went home to my country and spent my birthday with my family and I left him in an assisted living facility. I felt guilty leaving him but I had to take a break. Caregiving is not an easy job. Do what's best for you. Seek help for your mom so she can be where she needs to be and get the medical care she needs. Hope everything works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
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You had your childhood taken away from you. You missed going to school and graduating with your class. It is a terrible burden to put on a child. I had sick siblings growing up. There was a lot of guilt put on me to help take care of them. People do not think of children when they talk about caregiving. Praying you can find the help that you need.


The Overlooked Caregivers No One Ever Talks About

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-no-one-ever-talks-about-165631.htm
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Another thing, I do understand that your heart is breaking wide open. You love your Mom and you have been doing this for so long. Things will work out and you will have a happy life. Consider all of us to be your posse!
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I'm not going to judge your weight....everyone has a different weight at which to be healthy. 174 is not huge, by any means, but you do have the genetics staring you in the face. If you can live your own life, you can take care of yourself and learn to love yourself..whatever weight you are. You have enough to worry about right now with your mom to be worried about your weight. One thing at a time.
I agree with simply calling an ambulance for something--breathing issues was mentioned. Get mom in "the system" and let the case workers see her. ASK for a home visit. Turn yourself into APS. Whatever it takes to get attention.

DO NOT turn your life into one caring for your mother. I am 60, and the thought that one of my girls would have given up college, dating, travel for me makes me stomach turn. I will put MYSELF in a facility before I'd do that to any of my kids. You mother could well live for 20+ more years. Please, please get counseling and check back in. Your story has haunted me all day.
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At this point, I don't think pointing out OPs weight is of any help to the immediate situation. When you are so buried in a situation this is useless advice. Well intended maybe, but of no immediate value.

I agree that based on the information you shared, your mom requires professional assistance - not because you've failed in any way - but because it is beyond the scope of what any one person can possibly do. It's clear your heart is in the right place, but you have to separate yourself from this role because there are too many risks to your own well being. Think about it...Have you not grown into a woman who's identity is entirely defined by caregiving? You're too young and have far too much untapped potential to be sentenced to a life of martyrdom. Imagine your peace of mind knowing that your mom is well cared for by a staff of providers, the feeling of a very heavy burden being lifted and letting go of any guilt you may battle because couldn't do it by yourself. There are so many issues that need to be sorted through and all your well-intended caregiving in the world isn't going to treat things that require professional attention. As a caregiving daughter, I personally would harbor serious resentment toward my mom - whether I showed it or not. How unfair that your mom has been complicit in your slogging through life for her personal benefit. Next time there's any question whether or not your mom requires a trip to the E.R., have a solid plan for yourself in place. Do NOT let anyone talk you into her being discharged home. Be strong, be firm and stand your ground - with discharge staff and your mom. Brace yourself for the guilt trip that may be laid on you. You have to extricate yourself and get your life on track. I wish for you the strength to see this is not your purpose and find comfort in knowing you're saving both you and your mom..
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Dear anonymous432, your post has me crying and I'm praying for you today. I hope you can feel the love on this forum. You have done the very best you could for your Mom for so long. You are to be commended. I agree with all the posts and sassyisie said what I would. Please consider having your Mom go to the ER by ambulance and tell them she must be placed. Both of your lives depend on it and it's the responsible thing to do. I hope your college has free counseling for students. We are all on your side and care.
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After she was in the hospital with sepsis, why was she discharged home & not to a rehab facility, and then into a long term care facility? Did you say that it was okay for her to come home because you would take care of her? That, my dear, is something you should not have said.

You are in a bad situation and it has to stop. You are 25 years old, having dropped out of high school to take care of your then 53 year old mother who was obviously disabled due to her weight. The fact that she weighs 300 pounds is a major problem, not your fault & you shouldn't have to take care of her because she is unable to adopt a healthy lifestyle to lose weight. The morbid obesity is the #1 problem here. She has to help herself---you simply CANNOT ruin your body at 25 years old taking care of a 63 year old, 300 lb woman. It also sounds like you do not have any social life, friends or family to go out with, talk to, vent to. That is VERY UNHEALTHY. Your entire life is wrapped up in a morbidly obese woman who is completely dependent on you---at 25 years old, this is not a lifestyle you should be living.

One thing to know is that it takes much longer for long term care facility placement from outside of a hospital----placement occurs much faster if a person is in the hospital & ready to be discharged because insurance will no longer pay for the hospital stay & the hospital wants them out. A bed is found pretty quickly when a person is to be discharged from the hospital. Perhaps she should go to the emergency room for something---shortness of breath, chest tightness, etc.----just to get seen & possibly admitted, and then when she is to be discharged it must be determined that she has nobody at home to take care of her & she cannot take care of herself.

It sounds like she does nothing to help herself either----that is a big problem. And not to be mean or rude, buy you are also very overweight, and this is also a big problem. You don't want to be headed in the same direction as your mother. Since you are in control of the food shopping, cooking, what your mother eats, etc., you can control what she is consuming. Do not buy junk food, fast food or processed food. Your mother must be put on a calorie restricted diet. Do not buy chips, cookies, cake, candy, ice cream, etc. Buy fruit & vegetables, low fat meats. Have your mother drink water instead of sugary sodas or juices. She must be put on a diet that burns more calories that she is taking in----and with her extremely low activity level & slow metabolism, we are talking somewhere around 1,100 to 1,300 calories daily.

You need a life. You need goals. You have done nothing but take care of your mother for 10 years. I assume that you have not had a "real" job. You state that you were just accepted into a college. DO NOT FORFEIT THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO COLLEGE BECAUSE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER. That would be a colossal mistake. The reason your mother is in this condition is her own, and you should not be held accountable to responsible for her. I am assuming that both your mother & you are on social services assistance---food stamps, Medicaid, welfare. Do you want to live that way for the rest of your life? Or do you want to have a job, make your own money, be independent with your life? I can't imagine that you want to continue to live on welfare for the rest of your life. Your mother must put some effort into helping herself, which she is not going to do if you are there 24/7 wiping her butt, changing the underpads. If you go to classes, study & get a social life, your mother will have to sit in her own excrement unless she helps herself or until you come home. She probably doesn't want to sit in her own excrement so she's going to have to learn how to do something for herself----get to the commode or bathroom, clean herself up. Basing my judgment on your post, you probably are at her every beck & call, clean her up immediately after she pees or poops and she doesn't have to worry about sitting in her own excrement. If home care services will not come back because it is an unsafe situation, that says something----and you are putting yourself in the middle of that unsafe situation. You are going to get hurt trying to lift her & if she falls, she is going to take you down with her, which is not going to be good.

You mother may also be a candidate for bariatric surgery. She simply MUST take that extra weight off. Sitting on her butt all day, not moving is only going to make her fatter & more difficult to move around. Stop caring so much about your mother & start caring about yourself. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. You are 25 years old with no life other than wiping your mother's butt. Your mother is on welfare so it's not like you are even getting paid for it. That roof over your head, food & warmth are being paid for by the taxpayers, not your mother.
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PS--
I re read your post. Please get BACK to the therapist ASAP. You are going to need the emotional support. I'm no pysch dr but I can see you in fact DO have an unhealthy codependency problem with mom. Your therapist can help you walk the path of having a healthy relationship--trust me.
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Oh, honey, your post broke my heart!!

I too had to "drop out" somewhat, of college (really just curtailed my hours) to take care of my mother who had severe depression and wouldn't leave her room. I had 3 younger sibs and no one to take care of them. Daddy paid me for quitting my job and basically dropping out of college to run the house and try to care for mother--but it was SUPER unhealthy, both mentally and physically.

Crawl, beg, plead and never take "no" for an answer as to getting your mother help. You are still so young and still have a whole life ahead of you. You've done 100xs more than was "expected" or required.

Keep seeing your therapist. Get out as much as you can--try to do online college classes if you can't get mom moved...I'm so sorry to hear all this. She is only a few years older than I am, and I would NEVER ask or expect ANY of my children to give up their lives for me!!
You are at a point now where not being able to keep mom clean is going to cause more infections, less mobility, more problems. Lying still in bed, with ANY weight on the joints can quickly wear the skin down..and THAT is nasty.
Please try to get an advocate in your corner. Sounds like you are worn to a nub. Even when mom is in a care center of some kind, you can still see her as much as you feel you want. Her physical care is just simply too much for one person at this point. (Even IF you had a "lift" installed, they are NOT easy to use and a lot of training would be needed to help you. They are also no easy to use by one person, in NH's usually 2 people are needed, esp with your mom's weight issue.)
Vent away and don't be a stranger here. You can't say anything that we've not heard already.

Good luck--and prayers coming your way!!
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commenter 'sassyisie' has the solution for you.
You have gone way beyond caregiver here. This is not only not good for you, but it is not good for your mother.
If she is admitted to a nursing home for respite she can be considered for long term care at that facility. In order to get respite you need to contact nursing homes in your area and tell them you need have her there for a specified amount of time. Yo do not need to give them a reason.
The other option is to have her enrolled in a " medicaid managed care" program. If she is on medicaid - there are many insurance companies who get money from the medicaid system for her home care. You will get a case manager, physical therapist, nurse, and be entitled to home attendant services.
Though all of this is available I still believe that getting her to a hospital is critical. She will eventually develop many medical problems which I won't go into here but if you cannot care for her ( and you can't) let the hospital get her in satisfactory medical condition to have her go to a nursing home. All hospitals must make " safe discharges". It is their responsibility to place her in a safe environment. ( that does not mean you) .You can let the staff know that you are unable to care for her. You are not obligated to do that. You can love her but that doesn't mean give up your life for her. This is not healthy for either of you, Your own situation is another story. One for which you might want to seek out help . Be strong and brave and do right by both of you. Call the ambulance...
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I would do all of the above, and in the meantime, I would only feed her chicken, veggies, maybe protein bars, some fruit and see if she can drop a few of those pounds. That is what is keeping her in one place. With a drop in pounds she might be able to do a bit more for herself. If she wants something bad enough, maybe she will figure out a way to get up and get it. My mother had alzheimers and I was able to take care of her for the last 5 years of her life. I kept her in her own home, and to keep her weight down, I would buy all the groceries and snacks. I went over every day to get her day started and she did great. But keeping the weight off her was important to me so I could move her.
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I'm sorry for everything you've been going through, and I hope you at least know you've been the saint who has made your mom's life better! You need regular counseling, and some of that is available on line. Try to do something nice for yourself each day, even if it is something tiny like painting your nails, curling your hair, or watching a favorite movie. When you go outside for anything at all, stop and inhale the fresh air, look around at the beauty of the outdoors, and try to feel the awesomeness of our world. It will not always be like this for you; at some point your mom will be in a nursing home, or will pass. Just hang in there and try to find a new normal. I would hug you and pat your hair if I could. Keep posting here, and accept all of our love and support and positive vibes!
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*I meant "incontinent"--not "incompetent"! And others posted very helpful advice while I was typing my own response.
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I rarely post comments here, but your post and your situation really disturbed me. You sound like such a sweet, smart, and wonderful young woman, and you sound so alone in all this.

All I can say is that my own son recently turned 18, and I would honestly rather die than have him give up his young-manhood (or any part of his life) to take care of me the way you take care of your mother. I want to see him out in the world, living and enjoying his life, doing what he loves--all the things you should--you MUST--be doing now. You deserve a life. You deserve to go to college, fall in love, find a career you enjoy...whatever. If you were older, and had had a chance to do all those things and then really felt that you wanted to be home to care for your mother, that might be different. But now you need to get out.

I know that you love your mother, and I'm sure that she loves you and appreciates all you do. But I can't imagine that she really wants you to give up your life for her.

When she was discharged from the hospital where she had the surgery that made her incompetent, did they not discuss options for homecare, etc., with you? The "discharge plan" they're required to provide should not include a young woman wiping her overweight mother's butt for the foreseeable future. Where does she go for follow-up care now? There should be a social work department there--as others have said, you need to make it very clear to them that you need to get away to go to college and that your health is failing from trying to take care of your mother on your own, and that they need to find a way to help you.

Others here on the forum probably have better, more specific information on what steps you need to take, but please listen to them, and take them. I don't like telling people what to do, but you're concerned enough to have found this place and posted about your situation, so I'm giving you my opinion.

One question that came up for me (and I'm sorry if it's too personal or intrusive, but it seems like one you might want to ask yourself)--do you have anxiety/fears about your ability to negotiate college and the "outside world", or interacting with peers, at this point? Is there any possibility that something like that is holding you there with your mother? It's not unusual, and if it's the case it's nothing to be ashamed of, but if you think it might be the case then please try to address it with a therapist so that you can move on.

Again, you sound like a wonderful person. The world is waiting for you, and I KNOW that there's a solution to your mother's situation that is loving and caring but doesn't require your giving up your own life.

Love and all the best to you and your mother over the holidays.
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Wow, you are under so much stress. When is the last time you saw a doctor for your aching joints? I am sure after 10 years of taking care of your mother you need some help from a physician yourself. You must also find a therapist that you can easily talk to and stick with it. Do you have any friends that you are able to see on a regular basis? College is hard within itself and I personally am proud of you for trying to go. If your mother is ever admitted to a hospital again, refuse to take her home. Tell the doctors and nurses that you simply cannot take adequate care of her anymore. Tell them exactly what you have written. Be firm and refuse to do it. Don't take her back home and the social worker at the hospital will have to find placement for her. Nursing homes have special lifts that they can use to get your mother up. The staff is trained on how to turn a person her size. Call an ambulance soon to have her evaluated for something and simply refuse to take her back home from the ER. Although you have taken excellent care for your mom, once she gets in a long term care facility, starts to get some rehab, and gets settled in there, she may tell you that she hates it each time you visit, but she will be getting the therapy, the diet, the medications, and sooner or later some socialization she so desperately needs and you will be free to do the things for you that you so desperately need. Don't put this off and please let us know how things are going. This is a good place to get things off your chest no matter what you are feeling. Keep reading other's posts and you may find things that you can help others with. This is a good place to be. Welcome, and I am glad you came here.
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Both of you need to stop eating so much unhealthy foods to reduce the weight. At this rate you won't live long enough to care for your mother, and 300 lbs. is putting a lot of stress on her heart as well as internal organs. Ask the therapist to recommend an agency to get you some help whether it be financial and nutritional. If you have been accepted to college, how will you pay for it? Once enrolled you would have access to the student clinic. Apply for a Pell grant or other financial assistance (FSAL - Financial Student Aid Loan run by the government and it is not based on income). I am not exactly sure if that was the correct acronym, but the financial aid office at the college/univ. will know. You can always reach out to your church...Best wishes.
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While I was writing my post, DrowningDIL made a post. I concur with what DrowningDIK has posted. Very good advice.
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You my dear have did all you can for you Mom.You need to call an ambulance
& have her put in the hospital & let the proffetionals take care of your Mom & have the hospital place your Mom in a nursing home.You have to stand your ground & not take her back home!!
Your own health is deteariating .You are burning the candle at both ends.
You also need to get some help for yourself.Don't let guilt get in the way.You have did your best all these years..
I had to place my sister in the hospital & walk away.They then had to find a nursing home for her.My sistuation was different then yours .Good Luck to you
& your. Mom.Your Mom needs medical help that you no longer can provide to her.
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First, know that I am praying for you, and I will keep praying for you, and I doubt if I am alone. If one day you were in a car accident and were killed, what would your mother do? I am not saying this to be an alarmist but, instead, to point out what a 25 year old might not think of but what a 66 year old like myself would. Things happen. Since you are young, I am going to assume that your mother is not old either. Nevertheless, try seeking out an Office of Aging in your area an ask them if you could meet with them to simply ask for some advice. They work with difficult cases all the time and might have some ideas. Another person posted that obesity is a disease and must be treated. Has your mother sought out help for this? Remember, this is her problem; not yours. You can help her, but she must be willing to agree to help. It should be obvious, but you yourself must take care of your physical wellbeing and not let yourself become as your mother. Get outside and walk every day! You have done an amazing thing taking care of your mother like this, and to the point of sainthood. But sainthood is not all it is cracked up to be. Again, you must ask the question...what would happen to your mother if something should happen to you. Keep that question before you at all times as you seek out your solution, and I believe you will find the answer. Be kind but be tough in your resolve to find an answer. If your mother does not agree, then ask her if she has thought of a solution, especially if you are no longer there. If she is totally resistant, then start making plans for yourself. If those plans are to go to, let's say, an out of state community college, then explain that come next September that this is what you will be doing. Her response may not be an easy one for you, but always say everything in kindness. She will either have to agree to help or face living alone and dealing with the consequences. By the way, I went to a community college out of state, as it was cheaper. Also, I did not go to college until I was 30. So hang in there. Be strong. Get the answers. Make decisions based on facts only. Be kind. But, move on with your life.
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What an increbible person you are! You have provided care for your mother under extremely difficult circumstances for a long time. Now, it's time to care for yourself. I understand how difficult it is to navigate the system. My mother in law also has agoraphobia, and didn't want to go into nursing care. She fell and broke her hip, and also didn't want to go to rehab, but we wouldn't give her the choice. We told her she had to go and that was that. It's much easier to transition to a nursing home once someone is in a rehab unit. Those social workers do placements every day.

Something to consider if you haven't already yet is getting a "court appointed guardian" for her. If you google it, and your state, there is information about what it is and how to get it done. You have to let people know that you are no longer capable of providing care for her, because your own health is poor. Mental health is equally as important as physical health. Just because you can physically provide care, doesn't mean you are healthy enough to continue. Long-time caregiving can cause a kind of post-traumatic stress like syndrome. You need to really consider seeking mental health care for yourself for this. You're not going to be any good for your mother if you have a breakdown or develop other physical health issues from continuing to care for her.

It sounds like whichever social workers you've dealt with don't understand the breaking point you've reached. You have to decide that you're not going to take no for an answer, and not leave them alone until they find placement. Social workers are often overburdened with cases, and if there is a family member who they believe can provide care, it's easier for them to just leave it up to you. I would become incredibly persistent. I would tell them the situation, exactly as you have told it here, I would tell them that you are no longer physically or mentally able to care for her. I would call them every day to see if they have a placement for her. Out of sight, means out of mind. You have to make yourself a consistent presence and let them know you won't stop until they place her. It sounds like nonsense to me that they can't find a bed for her. Nursing homes care for incontenent overweight people all the time. They are taking their time because they lack a sense of urgency. Tell them that if they don't find a placement for her by the end of January, that you are just leaving and will call adult protective services. Then call them every single day. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

If she has Medicaid already (home care option), then she may qualify for respite days in a nursing home. See if you can take advantage of that. Sometimes, once you are in a place, it's easier to transition to the long-term care section. If the home care agency you dealt with has determined it's unsafe for her at home, then they have to find a placement for her somewhere.

If that doesn't work, the court appointed guardian would be the next best route. It may be a good option for you anyway, because even if your mom gets placed, you will still have the burden of managing her financial situation. A guardian can be appointed to do all of that. This may be the way to go. Then you can be free to care for your own needs and work on your own health.

My heart really goes out to you. The hardest part may be examining yourself and figuring out how you are enabling this situation to continue. What have you said no to that you could have said yes to? What have you hidden to show you are capable of caring for her, when you no longer can? How have you been emotionally manipulated by your mother to keep her in her current situation? You have to be real with yourself and ask yourself these questions. Then, you have to claim your power in this situation, and move forward with determination to create a new one.

I understand the guilt and obligation that can keep you stuck. You have to gather your courage and fight for what YOU need to be healthy. I have a good feeling that once you decide to do this, the way out will become more clear. Be persistent. You can do this!
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Hi, I feel like I'm reading about myself here. I'm 38 but I've been nursing my mum for 6 years - my dad is 80 and he helps so much however so it's better, I identify with u in arguing and crying and feeling guilty. It never gets easier. I'm supposed to do a master I already postponed it one year and this year I can't do again but I don't know either if I have time to dedicate . I'm completely depressed to.!my family dynamics are a mess of other siblings resent my help but do nothing to help situation. We can't help each other but maybe you'll want to know there are others in a similar situation ... your too young and it shouldn't be this way but as we all know 'should' is not what is and we have to deal with it. You sound very loving and caring, your mum is lucky to have you and I'm sure she feels terrible you are losing your young life too. Be very proud of yourself.
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Also you probably are eligible for grants that exceed tuitionamd books. You can probably get your housing and food covered.
I will pray that they find help for you. Cheryl is right. If you left, and poice were called to do a wellness check, they would not be allowed to leave her there as she was.
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Poor Honey! This is such an awful situation for you. You need to take care of yourself now. Your Mom has taken the best years of your life and left you near breaking point. She has made poor decisions that made her end up where she is today. No loving parent would burden a 16 year old with such responsibilities. Put yourself first this time. Make the phone call today and say you are not able to care for her any longer. They must place her. Don't let anyone give you any nonsense about waiting for a space to open up. They can find temporary placement for her. No facility wants the burden of taking care of her but they don't mind placing that burden on you. You have waited long enough. Please call today and start putting yourself first for a change. Don't feel the least amount of guilt for placing her in a home. You have kept her out of a facility for ten years. This is the time for extreme self - care. Put yourself first from now on. We love and support you, Honey. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
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Oh, also it sounds like your spot-visit to a therapist wasn't so helpful or positive for you, hope you'll find another one and go again. Labeling you is not their primary function, it's to build you up and help you gain perspective, tools, and strength.
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anonymous, it looks like you're new, and is this your first post? I'm glad you found this site and I hope you'll keep coming back, and put a little more info in your profile. Maybe you haven't reached the right municipal agency yet, please do some more Google searches and calls about support services in your area. You're such a good person, you've learned some amazing human skills that leave many of your peers in the dust!
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