Follow
Share

Sent her an email over ten days ago and she hasnt responded to anyone. She has never been good to my mum and a bit of a drama queen mum loves you more? Shes a born again christian BUT doesnt even react over her own mums decline?
I am getting palpatations thinking about this and the anger I feel is not nice. How do you move on from this OR worse face her when the time comes?
My bro is bombarding her with emails about dementia WHY? i wouldnt bother.
She was told the situation and hasnt even the decency to respond.
She was never really involved with mum as she was too selfish BUT my mum deserves better than this she helped us ALL out and we owe it to her to be there for her now.
Im in shock as shes selfish but this is just unbelievable im ashamed to even be her sister.
How do you move on and ignore this behaviour? Am I very naive to think that anyone could be this heartless?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Oh my brother and sister know how she is its my sister who refuses to any real help always plans made to meet friends etc....things are going to be very different now as mums finally got a diagnosis my sister refused to believe mum had dementia even though ive been telling her for months she caused so much trouble here its unreal and its not over yet? shes demanding POA funny isnt it never wanted to know or get involved with mums care but now demanding she have a say in her welfare as ive said if she gets to be even joint POA i will walk away as i couldnt bear her questioning my every move re mum. Last time i spoke to her i told her to join a forum and speak to a doctor and google as much as you can about dementia shes done nothing. I suppose she thinks that things are going to be the same as before she flits in meets her friends then heads home until another visit?
Ive had a very bad stomach all week just the thoughts of her coming she always finds a way to wind me up. As my friend says "how come theres always trouble when she arrives" my sisters excuse for doing nothing is that she works hard all year?
(0)
Report

Kazzaa- Maybe you shouldn't tell your mum your siblings are coming, just let them show up so they can see how your mum really is?!
(0)
Report

Even though my mom made my sister's life a living Hell, when I would arrive, she would be on "show time." It is hard for a visitor to know or accept what a full time care taker goes through. I still can't figure ouat how a women can go from being totally dependent on someone to able to walk, get coffee, and go get in the car, when I was there.

Whatever happens, you can take a break, Kazzaa. Do not answer the phone over once a day, read, go see a movie and breath. (Oh, that poor cat!)
(2)
Report

Oh i will not be around just to have a discussion re mums future care. I have 2 friends who have given me their keys so I can go there. Trust me if i could afford it id be gone away somewhere also and dont think im "nuts" i have a cat whom ive left here before and he wasnt looked after my sister being the prime suspect our cleaning lady told me the last time I left my sister here alone with mum that the cat wouldnt eat my sister never told me this so never again. My brother is better and makes sure the cats ok. I know you look after their mum all year and all you ask is that the cat is well cared for BUT no i have to worry about him aswell. I did put my cat in a cattery one wkend and he was traumatised and very badly cared for I was so angry. I will find a better cattery in the future or pay someone to look after him as i intend having a long holiday soon and my sis will have to be here to care for mum that shoud be fun!!
(0)
Report

Kazzaa,
I would make sure you leave when they are here. Let them know how it is all the time. As long as you are there, you are the anchor for your mom. You might be surprised at how she is without you around, as will your siblings.
(1)
Report

Brother and sister arriving here next week brother the eldest is VERY supportive little sis has her head up her ass! She will have a schedule spend as little time with mum as poss and go off and meet friends for dinners and coffees while telling them "yeh im home to see mum and help out" shes gets alot of sympathy from her friends as she fills them full of crap. "its so hard for me being abroad"???????????????
Thankgod my brother is coming as i cant be the same room as her i have made 2 apts for mum flu jab and doc so my sister can take her! next weekend im doing NOTHING i will not even wash a cup of course no matter what happens mum will be on best behaviour and doing things basically acting normal around them? Yes siblings coming is always even more stressful then actual caregiving ive learnt not to argue with them dinner needs to be cooked and house cleaned its not a hotel here i will just dissapear for the day and come back when all is done. Going to be tough as we have to discuss with mum that she cant live on her own here anymore and that she moves with me to care for her or she had to go to a NH. Today she refuses to wear her hearing aid this is just ongoing but you can bet your bottom dollar shell have it in all next weekend!!!!!!
(0)
Report

I also think siblings who live out of town need not bother to come for a "visit", that is just more work and disruption for those of us who are the live-in-caregivers. If you want to come and see your elderly parent(s), then come and HELP.. not visit. Offer to stay with the parent for a week or two so the primary caregiver can go away or take a much needed break! Most elderly parents who have health issues do not want to "visit" all the time, it's exhausting. Ask the primary caregiver how you can be of help! They will tell you :)
(1)
Report

Chicago, after reading 63% of us caregivers die first, your post scares me when you said taking care of your Mom contributed to our sisters death, omg!
Zazza, I agree, why not "offer" at the least to help out. If someone were giving my Mom the care that I am, I would be bringing them meals, sending them support cards and a weekend or 2 a month off, people just dont realize and never will, how hard it is to caregive 24/7. At least I have a clear conscience.
(1)
Report

Because when my sister would go uninvited, Mother and the sis (living near by) complained about it. But, they were both in ill health. Sometimes, people just like to complain and they really don't want someone helping. Mom and sis, were in IL. I am in AZ. and the sis that would help is in WY. So, we couldn't just drop in.

My situation is a little different, because taking care of my Mother contributed to my sister's death. Now, mom is peachy keen and none of us have been back since last Dec.

All of our situations are different. I am sorry that I went OT.
(1)
Report

Unfortunately free will means a person is free to chose where they want to help just as those of us chose to help. Asking a sibling to help who refuses...that is their choice and those of us who chose to help....well, we have to see it for what it is . We can't force caregiving on family members any more than they can force it on us...we chose for what ever reasons are behind it and our conscience is what we go by. Hugs all!!
(1)
Report

Why do siblings think they should be asked to help? by whom? do we not have free will?
(1)
Report

I am not one to run and help. I always thought that my Mother needed more help than my sister could give her. But, if I had ever been asked to come, I would have been there. My other sister would go help and then, I would get calls "Why is she here, it is messing with our routine." Sometimes, you just can't win.
(1)
Report

I agree macada but shes not even that much of a mother herself. Her two beautiful girls have fallen out with her they told me that no matter what she has shes never happy and wants more.
My sister is a christian and I think is upset that mum hasnt given her a share in the house as she owns 2.
How christian of her?
(1)
Report

OH TDH havnt begun down that road yet? Bumped into my sisters friend a few days ago (she lives in Paris) she asked how mum was I said fine one day at a time..... well isnt it great your sister will be home soon "give u a nice break" I wanted to let rip at how useless and selfish my sister really is BUT no i smiled and said yes.........I cursed myself all the way home.

TDH thats bad she works and cares for strangers in a home then treats her own like that incredible.

One post i saw on here was the sister who was a counsellor but never helped out her own family?

So sad.
(2)
Report

I agree with you Kazzaa- as someone who doesn't have children I have constantly had to bear the additional burden of dealing with people in my life who have used their children as a reason to be irresponsible in other areas of their life. Having children is a choice and not having children is a choice for some of us too, that should not absolve those who do have children of their duties and responsibilities that they have toward other people and situations. It is not fair but it is their right to not step in and help, as unfair and selfish as it is. I just wish elderly parents would stop handing out money to their kids that don't do anything for them, that is what really ticks me off!
(1)
Report

Similar situation here with my grandmother who passed away in May. She lived with our husband and I since May 2011 and was 95 when she passed. We bought this house so we could be closer to my sister who is a nurse and said she would visit /assist. She came only if we were having a family dinner, I asked her to come when I had a specific health question about my grandmother' care, or if my sister wanted money from my grandmother. When confronted after my grandmother passed away, her response was "I should have made time, I didn't, and I'm sorry." That's all she would say. I decided I was on my own and felt better about it...except when I saw comments on Facebook about how blessed she was to have the patients she had at the nursing home that she worked at. How mind blowing would it be for her friends and coworkers to know she had a grandmother that she didn't visit unless she needed money?
(4)
Report

Ten years ago mum had a mild heart attack my brother was here on his own my sister lives 2hrs away he rang and told her she said " well id come up and help but my daughter has a sailing lesson this weekend"
Last year I came home and within ten minutes of arriving my mum was an the sofa having a "seizure" thankgod I knew what to do half panicked half in control I saved her from a coma.
Rang my sister and told her while sobbing uncontrollably as it all just hit me after 24hrs of hell she said " well id come up but i couldnt get the time off work"
She teaches art to kids privately??

I rest my case!
(4)
Report

A&A-
My attitude is the same as yours. I used to let sibs know via email about each doc visit, etc. I really think they are in denial over moms condition. It got to the point that I wouldn't even receive any sort of response to these emails, so I stopped sending them. They never contact me to ask how she is doing, nothing. They can take their so called love and concern .....
(7)
Report

Personally I don't send emails etc.. to my absent siblings, if they can't call either Mother or me obviously they are not concerned about her health or well-being.

Move on...
(2)
Report

In reality, though it was up to you to give your sister the information the rest is between your sister and her mother. Even though your mother has dementia and may not be functioning normally, you have no control over your sister or her actions. It's frustrating, yes. You WANT to support your mother and make your sister do the right thing. But once you give the information and provide a way for your sister to respond you are out of the loop. You have to let it go - you have no control or responsibility over her actions, either.
(2)
Report

Kazzaa- I understand your anger and frustration. I was giving my opinion based on 26 years of being a geriatric caregiver as well as being the caregiver for my mum for the last 14 months. My mum does not require financial help from anyone so my situation is different from yours in that respect.
We can agree to disagree on the reasons that siblings react or don't react the way we feel they should. As I said in my first comment, I am just giving my opinion based on my personal experiences with people. Nobody has to agree with me.
(0)
Report

The way I see things is that if my siblings don't help out financially,physically or emotionally then they not only don't care about my mum but couldn't careless about me and if this happens to me when mum dies I want nothing more to do with them.
Noone can DEAL with dementia its not easy even for professionals so I totally agree with Fitz im sorry there is NO excuses they don't want to help period.
(4)
Report

Thank-you Fitzgerald, I appreciate the compliment.
(0)
Report

macada, I respect and admire your choices and your fortitude, and the way you have set boundaries with these siblings. If they are the sort of siblings who will keep from challenging or even transgressing those boundaries, then you may indeed have an upside to your situation.
Your mother is a very fortunate woman to have you for a daughter.
(1)
Report

Fitzgerald- I never said it was an excuse, I said it was a reason.. there's a difference. Most siblings who are emotionally fragile when it comes to their ailing parents probably would not admit that they can't deal with it.
I have first hand knowledge of being the one who does it ALL. I gave up my life 14 months ago, locked up my condo, gave up my business, gave up my social life and moved in to be my mum's live-in- caregiver and I am her POA as well. I know my sisters can't handle my mum's dementia so they call long distance and make their conversations short and light. They are who they are. Is it fair? No. Life is not fair, but I am not the type of person who is going to use up my emotional energy trying to change, control and mold my sisters into the people I think they should be. When it comes to my mother.. nobody makes decisions about her health or finances except for me, I set those boundaries right at the beginning, everybody knows where I stand and there are no problems. I have now reached the point that I am grateful nobody is injecting their two cents into the situation, it makes mum's and my life easier all the way around. I don't need their "help".
(3)
Report

macada, with all due respect, there is NO EXCUSE for people who claim "they just aren't strong" or "just can't handle" or "just can't deal" -- these are nicey-nicey phrases that seek to put lipstick on the selfishness pig. After all, someone else will be stuck having to take up their part -- will have to be extra-strong, extra-required to handle, extra-required to deal, because the hothouse orchids are too delicate to care about anyone but themselves.
(6)
Report

My brother refused to accept the news that our mom's dementia was worsening. He was never interested in the results of her doctor visits or medical tests. Became especially irate when I asked for his help convincing her to give up driving. During his rare visits he was too busy talking about himself to notice much how distracted she has become. When I took her to a gathering at his home this past summer it was obvious she could not be oriented to where she was or to many people there. Dear brother's response? The next day he phoned and angrily quizzed her about the previous days event. (One can hear him bellowing from across the room). She could barely recall even being there. He shouted the crudest insult at her and hung up on her! Then he immediately sent me a text informing me he was reporting me for neglect. Apparently I must not be taking good care of her if she has become so forgetful. Never heard any more about that nor has he visited since. He calls mom occasionally. Sometimes she doesn't know to answer her cell phone. He will leave a scathing voice mail demanding that she return his call and a text message to me threatening to send the police. I'll help mom call him back if she wants to talk to him but otherwise I just ignore him. I have learned from him and most other family that people will go to great lengths to avoid being involved with care of an elder parent.
(3)
Report

Life expectancy in Nigeria is 51.8 years. Most people there don't have to take care of elders at all. Japan has the opposite problem - long lives and low birth rates. More and more elderly Japanese find themselves with no one available to care for them.
(4)
Report

You are right there I had 2 nigerian carers they couldnt understand why FAMILY dont look after their parents like in thier country??

Also I think in asia its a done deal parents get old they move in with family its the way it used to be here but times have changed and not for the better. I suppose its easier when all family are living locally then they can all help but when they dont it always falls on one! Im not angry at my sister I will forgive her one day BUT just so sad for mum she deserves some respect. I see so many daughters here on this site who were abused by thier mums and treated badly BUT they are the ones there caring no matter what to me that takes great courage so what does that say of my sister?
(0)
Report

Yup, same thing here. One brother and one sister, neither one care about their Mom at all. Mom just had eye surgery, not a phone call nothing. The surgery has really taken a toll on my, I slept lots this weekend but I'm still tired. By Friday, I crawl into the house, collapse on the couch and sleep for 2 or 3 hrs. Believe me dear, this is a very tough job, and wasting energy being angry is not going to help. One thing that I've been telling myself is this: I do All things to Serve the Lord. Right now that is the only thing keeping me going. Church, Bible Study, Christian Radio/TV really help me too. There are so many of us in this same situation, and has been a problem in our society for a very long time, generations of siblings not caring for their parents. Hang in there my friend, your Mom needs you!
(3)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.