Sue Maxwell, MSW
Director, Gerontology, Lee Memomorial
Sue Maxwell, MSW developed the Memory Care Clinic at Lee Memorial Health System. The Memory Care clinic provides evaluation, diagnosis and treatment services, as well as family counseling and community outreach for people affected by memory loss.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
Since Dad died, Mom's okay during the day, but very lonely at night. Any advice?
This is just a part of the grieving process. There isn't much you can do so stop feeling guilty. I suggest that you mother seek help... This is just a part of the grieving process. There isn't much you can do so stop feeling guilty. I suggest that you mother seek help from a support group so she can learn about the stages of grief and know that what she is experiencing is very normal. Nights are always hard and she will adjust. Just be there to listen to her concerns and understand that she lost her partner of many years. Be a supportive daughter as I know that you are. see more
Question
Is it bad if the patient is taken away from the caregiver an told the caregiver just left them?
I too need more information--just off the cuff, I just can't believe that someone would do that for a positive reason. Hope to hear... I too need more information--just off the cuff, I just can't believe that someone would do that for a positive reason. Hope to hear more!! see more
Question
How do you handle taking care of someone who is 91 and work a nine hour day also?
Not possible to do and stay sane. There is help in the community and I would suggest that you seek some really good advice before you... Not possible to do and stay sane. There is help in the community and I would suggest that you seek some really good advice before you completely burn out. This is not a win-win for anyone. Call you local Area Agency on Aging (these agencies are in every state and provide great information) and help both of you out of a very difficult and non-productive situation. One last bit of advice start today! see more
Question
I find it challenging to keep my patience with my Mom. Any advice?
I know your anxiety as I experienced some of the same things that you are. Stress levels do become higher than expected, but I did make it... I know your anxiety as I experienced some of the same things that you are. Stress levels do become higher than expected, but I did make it and I believe that both my mother and myself were able to be winners. Since I work with these kinds of situations on a daily bases, one would think that when I was dealing with my role as caregiver that I would know exactly what to do. So I really feel that I can offer some sound good advice.
First, I realized that my mother was angry at getting older and having to give up her independence. Once I "got it" I was OK and begin to listen more. I always realized that my mother was really not ready to die--just was afraid. So she found comfort in going to the hospital almost every month with a major illness. So I let her have back her independence and a real reason to keep living by moving her out of the house and into her own little place where she could putter around--she still drove as that was something she was not going to give up. But she drove only to the grocery store and MacDonalds, which were a few blocks away. She lived far enough away and yet close enough that she drove over for dinner every night. Her aches and pains were there, but less now that she was able to have some of her dignity back by being independent.
As I have grown older, I do know some of the feelings that she had--She was a tough lady and didn't want to ever give up and that is really not a bad trait. Actually, I am her daughter so I might be the same when I really get to the same point in my life. Take her by the hand, I give her the last chance to feel alive and the chance for the two of you to be friends. Look at this situation as a learning experience for when you go through the stages of aging. You will see and understand so much. One more thought about this situation--learning from our families as they age helps us to learn about our own aging process--look to learn so that you can grow old gracefully. Peace. see more
First, I realized that my mother was angry at getting older and having to give up her independence. Once I "got it" I was OK and begin to listen more. I always realized that my mother was really not ready to die--just was afraid. So she found comfort in going to the hospital almost every month with a major illness. So I let her have back her independence and a real reason to keep living by moving her out of the house and into her own little place where she could putter around--she still drove as that was something she was not going to give up. But she drove only to the grocery store and MacDonalds, which were a few blocks away. She lived far enough away and yet close enough that she drove over for dinner every night. Her aches and pains were there, but less now that she was able to have some of her dignity back by being independent.
As I have grown older, I do know some of the feelings that she had--She was a tough lady and didn't want to ever give up and that is really not a bad trait. Actually, I am her daughter so I might be the same when I really get to the same point in my life. Take her by the hand, I give her the last chance to feel alive and the chance for the two of you to be friends. Look at this situation as a learning experience for when you go through the stages of aging. You will see and understand so much. One more thought about this situation--learning from our families as they age helps us to learn about our own aging process--look to learn so that you can grow old gracefully. Peace. see more
Question
What can I do when my siblings are against me regarding my Mom's care?
One lesson that I have learned early in the caregiving game is to make sure that you have those family meetings when things are not so... One lesson that I have learned early in the caregiving game is to make sure that you have those family meetings when things are not so stressful for everyone--it is the first event that has to take place. So I suggest calling in all of the siblings and have that talk. Better yet, try to get someone who can facilitate the discussion so that personalities are taken out of the mix. At that meeting set the goals for your mom's care--write it down as if it were a plan for an organization--be clear about responsibilites as well as who controls the finances and who has the power to make final decisions. This is a time when you all should come to gether as one--I am sure that your mother would want her children to be a team for her care as she really doesn't have the mental or physical ability to make that happen. Put away all of your sibling issues and make this about your mother. Be mature and make sure that mom gets and receives the best possible from everyone. This is not about you it is about the most important ever in your life--your mother! Go and work to make it happen. see more
Question
Mom has declined over the past year living with me. What is the next step?
You have certainly bee a great son and deserve lots of pats on the back. However, time has come for you to take care of youself--get some... You have certainly bee a great son and deserve lots of pats on the back. However, time has come for you to take care of youself--get some respite health. I think that Day Care is one of the best options for you--mom can go to the daycare a couple of thre days per week, giving you time to do what you need to do. Also mom might even begin to thrieve if she is involved in some activities. Then you need to begin the process to get your motheer Medicaid eligible for a nursing home placement. See assistance from you local Area Agency on Aging for information on the process. Once that is in place you can see if there are programs and services in the area that assist you. Even though your sibling is not a part of the picture, it is time to make them--What if something were to happen to you! Your sibling would be the next of kin and the person to care over her care.
Take time to get the right answers and have plan A and B ready--but really have your mother go to Day Care--remember she doesn't make the decision you do and this is best for both of you. I am sure that she might able to understand that you need some respite or you won't be able to continue to care for her. Remember you are a good son and deserve some time to yourself. Peace! see more
Take time to get the right answers and have plan A and B ready--but really have your mother go to Day Care--remember she doesn't make the decision you do and this is best for both of you. I am sure that she might able to understand that you need some respite or you won't be able to continue to care for her. Remember you are a good son and deserve some time to yourself. Peace! see more
Question
Mom refused to stay at nursing home after begging to go. How much do we owe our parents?
I agree with Carol's response--You need to take care of yourself and your daughter--Only a few hours in a nursing home is not be the... I agree with Carol's response--You need to take care of yourself and your daughter--Only a few hours in a nursing home is not be the best way to judge the success of your mother's willingness to stay. Your question about how much do we owe our parents does beg an answer. It is my belief that we owe our parents respect and dignity as they age. How do we begin that discussion? Simply, when our parents can logically discuss some of the concerns as they age. So many times, family members don't discuss some of them most important issues about life--many skirt those hard to talk about issues. So to all of you who are reading this, please have discussion with the family regarding end life issues, nursing home placement, POA, and anything else so you to provide respect (pay back) to your parents so that when a issue arises you don't feel unprepared to assist and that you have beeen given "permission" by your parents to move forward with their wishes. Take care of yourself and get mom the help that she needs-- see more
Question
What to do about a parent who refuses to see a doctor?
Getting an older person to realize the importance of going to a doctor when they are 85+ is difficult because most say that they can't... Getting an older person to realize the importance of going to a doctor when they are 85+ is difficult because most say that they can't do anything about my problems and I don't want to spend the time and money. SOOOOO you have to make going to the doctor a payoff for them. Here is what I suggest: Tell you mother that your problems are not getting better and she will need to know what to do just in case something happens to you--you may not always be able to care for her. You have to let her see the importance of her making the move to go to the doctor. Tell her that if something does happen to you then you are not sure what will happen to her--she might have to go to a nursing home or move somewhere to get help--Don't make the conversation sound negative or punitive, but a fact that she will have to deal with. She has to understand that you may not always be there for her!!!! And now is the time for her to get some help while you are still there to assist. I believe that once older adults have a good reason to see the doctor they usually go. Before you talk to mom, practice what you are going to say--try to avoid any kind of blaming conversation--you phrases like "I feel . . " Don't agrue, scold, or get angry as you are just stating the obvious, which is "I really feel that you should see a doctor not just for you, but for me. If something were to happen and I am not here, then a person would be able to know about your and give your help. Impress upon here that you want to make sure that she is taken care of in case of emergency." The conversation may not stick with her the first time she hears it--try again latter. Now if that doesn't work, I want you to remember that you are the important one in this role--You are the one giving the care and need to make sure that you take good care of yourself. Stop the chatter with your mom and take some positive steps for the good of you both. You have to be ok, rested and ready to get and provide care. I would seek assistance from the community for campions and many of those services are free--call the local Area Agency on Aging to get answers to some of your questions for assistance--Be resolute, strong and assured that you are doing the right thing for you and your mother. Peace! see more
Question
How do I maintain a relationship with a caregiver who's father rules over him and only lets us see each other...
Ditto to the answers--start a new life!!!
Question
My Mom has become angry and takes it out on my wife. Any advice?
Your wife deserves to be treated better and it is time for your mother to live elsewhere. Even though she is physically in good shape, it... Your wife deserves to be treated better and it is time for your mother to live elsewhere. Even though she is physically in good shape, it is her behavior that will soon take the toll on all of you, if not already. I am certain that she would be better of in a dementia specific kind of facility where she can get the right kind of care for her behavior and monitor the medications. The abuse will continue and the anger toward your wife will not stop until you take matters into your own hands and decide what is best for the whole family, just not one person. If you really don't want mom to go to a facility, then I would ask another sibling to take mom and let your wife have some rest from the abuse of your mother. I feel that you really need to act now rather than wait until both you and your wife suffer from "caregiver burn-out." Remember this is not your wife's mother it is yours and you need to take the responsibility to care for both of them appropriately. Don't wait, act now! Mom will be perfectly fine so not to worry! see more
Question
How do you not feel resentful to older sister who isn't much help in caring for our mom?
So now is time for another family meeting to make future decisions about your mother's health care. Don't be quiet about your... So now is time for another family meeting to make future decisions about your mother's health care. Don't be quiet about your situation as in many families, siblings will not step up to the plate unless there is a reason or someone asking for assistance. I would have the family meeting and set up a common, agreed upon plan to allows for all of the siblings to provide some kind of care on a regular bases. You will have to be vocal enough to bring about such a meeting. I would also have a schedule for regular meetings as things to change and families do have some priorities. So don't be silent--ask for that so-deserved team meeting very soon. One last item, your mother deserves to be involved with everyone in the family not just one person--she is mother is each and every one of you and each and everyone should be responsible for her care--Love is not one-sided when caring for a parent. Peace! see more
Question
Feeling guilty about Mom in nursing home, Dad still at home and lonely. Any advice?
Dealing with parents and making those tough decisions are never easy. Stop feeling guilty about mom as she is being taken care of the best... Dealing with parents and making those tough decisions are never easy. Stop feeling guilty about mom as she is being taken care of the best way and you did the right thing for your parents. Take this time to really begin to enjoy the time with your mother at the long term care facility. Get involved witht he resident council, join in on special functions with your mother, and have lunch with her as often as you can. She will always ask about going home and you may not be able to change so let her ask and you smile and say, "This is your home now." It is very difficult to see your loved ones grow old. Remember, aging is the part of life that plays a very important role in the human life cycle. This is the time to heal some of the hurts from an earlier part of your life with your mother and a time to help her see you as her wonderful daughter. Please, please take care of yourself and get help for your depression, but at the same time, enjoy the remainding days of your mother's life with love, caring, and laughter. see more
Question
I have found caregivers napping when my Mom's asleep. Should I be upset by this?
BUT DEFINITELY--NO SLEEPING!!! I would talk with the agency and let them know about your concerns. From the agency that I have worked... BUT DEFINITELY--NO SLEEPING!!! I would talk with the agency and let them know about your concerns. From the agency that I have worked with in the past, I have never heard of an employ napping especially during the day time. Diplomatically, call the agency and let them know of your concerns as you are paying for an alert staff person. see more
Question
My elderly father is getting so mean. Any advice?
Personality usually does not change as one gets older, but some behavior traits may become more pronounced--sounds like that might be one... Personality usually does not change as one gets older, but some behavior traits may become more pronounced--sounds like that might be one reason. However, I would seek another opinion concerning your father. I would look for a very good Geriatrician as they might be few and hard to find. Set an appointment and have a very good workup from head to toe and look at every possibility--make sure that check all of his blood levels from some kind of deficiencies. If that appears to be negative, then I would look to psychology for therapy.
As the child I would have a face-to-face talk with dad and let him know some of the conseuqences if this continues. And he cannot behave, then I would take action that might require the authorities as I do feel your mother needs protection--shaking and shoving is just appropriate in any situation and should not be tolerated. After all, your mother has endured some abuse most of her life and deserves not to have to any longer. This is time to be tough and stand by your mother. Wish I had better advice, but you are the one who has to step in and really begin to take action. I feel when someone safety is involved we have to be held accountable. Be strong and resolute!!! see more
As the child I would have a face-to-face talk with dad and let him know some of the conseuqences if this continues. And he cannot behave, then I would take action that might require the authorities as I do feel your mother needs protection--shaking and shoving is just appropriate in any situation and should not be tolerated. After all, your mother has endured some abuse most of her life and deserves not to have to any longer. This is time to be tough and stand by your mother. Wish I had better advice, but you are the one who has to step in and really begin to take action. I feel when someone safety is involved we have to be held accountable. Be strong and resolute!!! see more
Question
Taking my Mom to a nursing home. How do I cope?
She will be fine because she will receive good care. Your work is done and you have done a great job. Now is time for you to sit back and... She will be fine because she will receive good care. Your work is done and you have done a great job. Now is time for you to sit back and visit her on a regular basis and that does not mean every day. Mom has Alzheimers and will not remember. So stop feeling guilty and were and still are a great caregiver--only in a different setting. Most of important of all is take care of yourself because you deserve it!!! see more
Question
How do you handle adult 'temper tantrums'?
Child-like reactions are a part of the symptoms of this disease. I know that it must be maddening due to the frequency of the tantrums. ... Child-like reactions are a part of the symptoms of this disease. I know that it must be maddening due to the frequency of the tantrums. But maybe you can establish some information that might help since mom may not be able to communicate effectively. Are these happening at the same time of day? Did something happen prior to the tantrum that set you mom off? Ask yourself some questions and maybe there is another story to why she is behaving this way. If there is a common denominator, that might the answer to your situation. Perhaps, she doesn't know how to communicate her frustration with her stituation and she simply has a trantrum to relieve some of her stresses. Put yourself in mom's shoes as dealing with the lose of memories and the ability to communicate is a terrrible for her. She surely knows that she is having problems and doesn't know how to deal with it. I guess I too would yell, scream and cry. This fact finding mission might reveal some obvious issues that mom cannot deal with. But on the other hand, there may not be common denominator. In that case, I would try some of the solutions that others have given to you and through the process of elimination determine the best course of action to deal with her tantrums. Just remember this is only the beginning stages of her dementia so you want to solve this problem before others come forward. Try to remind in the moment and be positive. see more
Question
How do I handle death topic?
Death is not always an easy topic to address with anyone. BUT sounds like Mom has opened the door and it is time to take a step into the... Death is not always an easy topic to address with anyone. BUT sounds like Mom has opened the door and it is time to take a step into the subject. At this point I would not get "hung up" on whether Mom is trying to manipulate your, but take her hints as serious and really begin the discussion. I know from pesonal experience it is hard to know when to really talk with a parent or loved one about death--my father never wanted to talk about it so he died without a will and that caused a lot of problems and hard feelings. I only wished that we could have had that discussion when he was alive, even though I know it would have been so very emotional. SO take the time to talk with Mom and find out her feelings or her fears about dying. Many elderly people tell me the only thing they fear about death is that don't want to be alone. Let her tell you her thoughts and this is the best time to really listen to Mom and try not to judge. Sometimes, these kinds of conversation can be so revealing about one's feelings, especially for you. Take the risk and begin that dialogue. You both deserve to share in the moment!!! see more
Question
Mom is never happy. How can I get her to go to respite?
Your deserve a LIFE so don't place on the responsibility on your shoulders to make everything right for everybody. First, stop... Your deserve a LIFE so don't place on the responsibility on your shoulders to make everything right for everybody. First, stop worrying about making Mom happy because it is not going to happen--I would try to make yourself happy and move on. You have been the best daughter a mother could have so now the time has come for you to step aside and begin to think about yourself. I would begin to look for placement for your mother in a nursing home. She needs lots of care and the long term care facility can provide those 24 hours hands-on kind of care. No matter where or what you do for your mother she will continue to be unhappy. I am firm believer that we make our own happiness and someone else can not. Your mother is frail and ill so it is very hard for her to be happy about much. So you need to stop all the "guilt" and get ready for your mom to move. She will not like it, but she doesn't like anything that you do for her--it is a no-win situation so stop trying to make miracles. She will adjust because she has no choice. Don't mean to sound "heartless" but if you died tomorrow, life would go for your mom no matter what. Just know one thing is that you have done a great job caring for mom and your time has come to an end. Let someone else continue her care. Be strong with your decisions and get your hair and nails done and be the beautiful 54 year old woman that you have been all of these years caring for your mother. It is now about you!!!! see more
Question
Feels like there isn't enough time in the day to keep up w/ two households worth of errands, appointments, dai...
I would suggest that you look into some kind of private caregiving company or a federaly funded program called Senior Companion to give you... I would suggest that you look into some kind of private caregiving company or a federaly funded program called Senior Companion to give you a break on driving to appointments and being on hand to simply help out.
The private caregiving companies charge an hourly fee and can help when you are too stressed. Don't think about the cost of the service, instead think about the time you will have to do want you want to do. If you get sick from the stress of caregiving, the cost of your care will be much, much more since the family depends upon you for so much. I would also ask some of the families members to assist also and give you some extra time.
Senior Companions is a federal program in many communities throughout the US--contact your local Area Agency on Aging to find the nearest site to you. If there is one, call and make arrangements to enroll your mother into the program. Companions can drive her to the doctor's office for an appointment or wait until she is completed her therapy. If not located in your area, then still call the Area Agency on Aging to see what other kinds of services are available to you--many of there are free.
Get some addtional help so that you can minimize your stress levels and take time for your family--asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of a person who values her family and time for herself-- see more
The private caregiving companies charge an hourly fee and can help when you are too stressed. Don't think about the cost of the service, instead think about the time you will have to do want you want to do. If you get sick from the stress of caregiving, the cost of your care will be much, much more since the family depends upon you for so much. I would also ask some of the families members to assist also and give you some extra time.
Senior Companions is a federal program in many communities throughout the US--contact your local Area Agency on Aging to find the nearest site to you. If there is one, call and make arrangements to enroll your mother into the program. Companions can drive her to the doctor's office for an appointment or wait until she is completed her therapy. If not located in your area, then still call the Area Agency on Aging to see what other kinds of services are available to you--many of there are free.
Get some addtional help so that you can minimize your stress levels and take time for your family--asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of a person who values her family and time for herself-- see more
Why is my Mom getting crankier day by day?